Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

DS wouldn't sleep age 3. Yes he did this. It was a nightmare.

I'd be more than happy to take a day's leave to look after my DC - I've done so regularly.
My wife needs a break as much as I do, and my view is that my annual leave is there for us as a family, not just stuff I want to do.

I think it is within the range of normal. Everyone is different but I don’t think I would been comfortable leaving my 3 year old for a weekend. A child that age would definitely be upset about their mum being away.

And as I said fair enough if the friend doesn’t want to come but that doesn’t warrant the OP being called an abuser for making a suggestion on what she would like for a hen night

I just thought it was laughable to say it’s not all about YOU (capital letters of course) when it’s about her hen night. Who else is it going to be about?

I was replying to a post who wasn't specific to ONE mother, but if you want to be so rude, while I suspect she doesn't, do YOU even know if the friend works?

It must touch a nerve if you are unable to have a simple discussion without being so abusive.

Another reason it's quite hard for mothers of young children in their 30s, OP, is that most of us have quite a few friends getting married at the same time. I've already been on two hen weekends this year and I dreaded both, spent both doing activities that I didn't find all that fun (again, stuff I would have found hilarious at 18 but just find a bit silly and boring now), missed my kids like mad by the second/third days, and now I'm honestly dreading being invited to any more.

To you it's now "only" one night away, but if she's the average person with lots of other friends in their 30s, it's one of many requests for time away from family.

It’s really not normal to be unable to leave your kids with their dad for a few days.

So you're just making stuff up then. Good-oh.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here!

Would I want to leave my 3 year old for a few days? No I wouldn't. I get that so the weekend away idea was never going to work. But her friend can't even make the effort to do dinner 1:1 a couple of times a year who has a husband in toe who could look after HIS children for a few hours. Nah, sod that! All feels a bit one sided OP, time to make some new friends! I say that as someone who has been the child free friend and someone who now has 3 children so can see both sides.

Its quite normal especially if you work full time. I don't get to spend loads of time with my kids mon- fri due to work/school, our weekends together are precious family time. If someone asked me to go away for the weekend i might get talked into it but I'd be quite grumpy and my youngest who's 4 would really miss me, she's SO ready for time with mummy at the weekend after a long week at school.

YANBU OP. I don’t have any friends who couldn’t leave a 3yo to do bedtime with Dad. I feel really quite sorry for your friend. Either she has a completely useless DH or she’s conditioned herself to total martyrdom.

that said, I would probably leave it alone at this point and just invite another friend. There may be other reasons your friend isn’t telling you about (money, marital issues, etc.).

it was bad enough with the "cool wives" but now we must have the "cool mums".

So yes, you were lucky to have the time, the funds, the support network to go away leaving your babies/toddlers/ children for days to go on holiday abroad.

Brilliant. If it was so great, why the need to look down and insult mothers who are not as lucky as you? Some of you are protesting a bit too hard on how easy and fabulous their independent life can be.

Honest reality op - once you have kids, they matter more to most women than other things. Your friend will likely always prioritise her kids over you.

On MN you get posters like @Needeyebrows who are codependent on their husbands and can't imagine doing anything outside their family unit.
In the real world though OP, of course you're not being unreasonable. A weekend is hardly her abandoning the kids, and they have Dad at home. A lot of posters project their own clinginess onto their kids.

its probably normal in the sense that there seems to be a hell of a lot of women with this attitude towards their children… but I don’t think it’s healthy. I could understand a week but 2 days?! Very OTT.

I loved weekends away when I worked full time! There really isn't a normal, everyone is different.

I've got a 2yo and 7yo and I have left them to spend an evening away with friends before... but a UK trip. And both my kids slept fine. Would have been much more stressful (and not worth it tbh) if I knew I had a clingy, sad, poor sleeper at home.

For me, I'd prefer to be in the UK as it's less travel time so doesn't mean reshuffling an entire Friday's plans and childcare as I can just pop along later on Fri. I also would be close by in case something went wrong - eg if husband became ill I could get home easily by car and pick up the slack. Solo childcare when you're poorly is hell!

DH and I work Ft. The weekend is literally the main time we spend with the kids so I do have to prioritise that 100%. It just isn't fair on the kids otherwise. I am generally happy to meet friends locally for dinner after the kids are in bed though... again, easier for me as my kids settle well at night so I can meet a friend at 8pm and know that both kids will be happily in bed.

Some people are comfy with it, some aren’t.

I have found it depends on their partner - usually the ones with useless partners are reluctant to leave the kids with them.
If they have a good partner it’s not a problem generally. Or some people have a good support system that can lend a hand while 1 parent is away.

You're right; you don't know what it's like. You'll remain clueless until/if you have children of your own. And, it's different for everyone.

With me, I enjoyed the occasional night away when my twins were younger. Now, they're a bit older (albeit 5.5), I don't leave them, even for a night out. Again, this may change.

Each woman, each Mother - indeed, each parent/carer - is different.

If you want to do Paris unburdened by child focused conversations, go with child-free friends.

If you'd really like to do something special with your friend, perhaps a day out, just the two of you.

Btw, I would have been pissed off if my friend had brought their young child to an 8pm dinner, but I would have actually said something and cancelled/rescheduled.

I was going to say, I work FT and still enjoy a weekend away. One so far since DC was born 10 months ago.

Reverse the thread... you will find plenty on this forum.

"I work full time from home, my husband has decided he's going away on Friday on a stag night so I have to work, do the full childcare on Friday and spend the weekend alone with no break. "

See how different the replies are.

Time with daddy is important too. It as a different kind of fun having dad care of us whilst mum went to visit her family.

You don't have to reverse the thread because there are plenty of those thread on MN.

And the difference with those threads is that the husbands are regularly going off on weekends and leaving their wives alone with kids.

She does sound a bit OTT, OP.

Bringing her child to your dinner was very odd. I'd have been pissed off with that unless very specific circs.

Many women would love to go away for a few days without their kids. Many wouldn't.

It's not a mum thing, it's a personality/situation thing.

I'll come with you!!

@Womencanlift

Its not about what YOU want”

erm It’s OP’s hen do not her friends so yes it IS about what Op wants