Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

but you can't comprehend that a full-time working mother, who barely sees her kids has no interest for a weekend away without them?

Does everyone has to be the same as you?

God yeah, I wondered if “reconnecting” was a euphemism. What’s the next excuse? They’d be too much laundry when I get home? I’ll miss the eastenders omnibus?

who are you to say its normal for the majority? You have no idea. You only know you, and the people you know, who are likely to be like you as you self select.

You can't possibly say its normal for the majority, My experience suggetss the opposite

I totally get it that you want to have dinner with your friend from time to time, but if not even that works for her at the moment, then a weekend away will definitely be out if question.

AIBU to think she could EASILY have a few days away with me with a years notice?

to go back to the OP's question, yes YAB massively U to think it's so easy for a start.

1. I think YANBU but also, nor is your friend. It's really hard to leave dc when they are young; I was terrible at it. The idea would have made me feel stressed and I would not have enjoyed it. In fact dh and I went to Paris for a night and left dc with my parents. We didn't especially enjoy it and we didn't sleep well, and it was 1 night!
2. your friend was being ridiculous bringing her child out to dinner with you
3. I like your suggestion that you book somewhere closer to home and maybe just do one or two nights.
4. her dh might be a bit useless, or maybe resent her being away, esp if he works from home. I don't know, but maybe he makes it a bit more difficult for her, and tbh when you're a bit stressed about something like this, dh being anti it can feel like a major obstacle
5. ignore the people who just want to say mean things to you anonymously from behind a keyboard. You are highly unlikely to canvas their opinion in rl, so don't let it bother you on here. Mn can be really harsh.

Go with a friend who will enjoy it OP!
Ours are grown up now, but when they were small I’d have shoved them at DH and skipped out the door if invited to something I wanted to do…invited to something I wasn’t keen on - “oh dear, I couldn’t possibly leave them, they’re so small still” they were a fantastic excuse no one could argue with!

Children aged nearly 3 often sleep in the same bed as their mum for at least some of the night. Children don't usually sleep for more than three to six hours without waking for a drink/food etc but really need to know that mum is close.
It's very healthy to be that concerned about the welfare of your children at night if you are the main carer during the night.
Your friend sounds like her children have a very healthy attachment to their mum.

I don't have kids but I think this is one of those things where you just have to accept that it's the parent's choice and it's about what feels right for them. Some parents would feel fine about it, but that doesn't mean that a parent who doesn't feel fine about it is in the wrong. It's such a personal thing and I think you have to accept her choice.

It doesn't sound like you are being a bad friend, you sound like you are trying to do something nice and I'm sure it would be lovely!

That being said, I did something similar recently and I jumped at the chance, it was only 1 night away but in all honesty I was desperate to get home in the morning. It spoilt it a bit because I didn't enjoy my break to its full extent because I just wanted to get back and squeeze him.

My other friend does all sorts away from her children and she's happy for the space.

We are all so different and people might think I'm ridiculous but they are only little for such a short amount of time.

As a previous poster said, perhaps do an all day thing with no overnight? Head out early for breakfast, spa day, theatre, meal and then home?

Hope you find something that suits you both

I don’t think it would be impossible but tricky for me with kids that age

my husband wouldn’t have particularly appreciated being left with the kids for a weekend after working a full week. And to make it fair I would have had to agree to the opposite which I would have tolerated but hated! Age 3 is full on still. 8, less so.

Also money is always tight with kids. And days off (assuming the Friday is needed) need to be strictly rationed.

i’m now contemplating similar to you but my youngest is 8. Feels doable now.

in your shoes I’d suggest a spa day possibly with an overnight stay, not too far from home. Easier to agree to.

Bringing a kid to a dinner at 8pm when its father has cordially discouraged her to do this makes her sound a bit anxious and overprotective tbh. I’m not sure she’s doing the kid any favours either, unless there is genuinely something wrong with it.

But she is how she is. You probably just need to accept it. You can put your own boundaries in place though - you’re not obliged to have your evening spoilt by the child.

Ps yabu to suggest it should be “easy”. Feasible, perhaps, for some mums. But rarely easy.

YABU,
She's said no and cited the reason of her youngest not being able to cope without her. Her youngest is 2. You wrote "nearly 3" which makes the child sound older....

Whether that's the real reason or not, who knows?
She has said no so that is the end of it.

3 year olds often wake up every 3-6 hours to eat or drink? Not even my 10 month old does that.

People have different levels of comfort with leaving their kids. It’s not really about what’s “normal” as there’s no such thing.

It might be that her husband is crap and refuses to look after them, or he never has and that’s why youngest is uncomfortable.

Or it might be that she doesn’t have the money. Kids are expensive!

Does the OP actually say that her friend works full-time and barely sees her kids, or have you pulled that out of your arse?

My DC1 is 5 and I've only left her once overnight, when I had a c-section for DC2. She'd be fine now if I went on a short holiday without her, but at 3 we'd have both missed each other, and I wouldn't enjoy it. I'd feel a bit resentful if I felt pressured into going away without her. Ultimately it's about priorities, and I wouldn't prioritise spending time with a friend over my family.

Like I already said, the majority of the responses on here for a start. My own experience and that of my friends and family also.

Perhaps normal is a bit inflammatory. Typical is possibly better fit.

You do you. I'm not judging your choices, no need to be defensive.

OP I’d really consider asking another friend or friends to go instead. They’ll understand if they’re all not invited to the wedding. Although are you sure you really want such a tiny wedding when clearly this one friend you’re inviting doesn’t sound like she prioritises you much? I have two very young children so I know the pull of being away from them but one night away a year in advance is hardly a crazy suggestion. I’d only say no if I didn’t want to come in the first place.

YABVU

I think it's a bit ridiculous she won't go away but that's her preference. I happily went away when my son was 2 for a girls trip for 5 nights. I had a wonderful time and my very clingy toddler survived with his dad just fine. People seem to be very precious about their kids these days.

I think you are getting a tough time OP. I'd definitely go away, and have gone away with friends for a weekend abroad and left my kids with DH. He's a perfectly capable adult and their father! We both agree its important to have child-free time to enjoy and future relationships with our friends as it makes us happy and a better parent and partner.

I do however accept that we are all different. Perhaps she doesn't have a supportive DH, perhaps its financial, perhaps her or her DC have difficulties settling/ medical/ emotional issues. Who knows. But I would invite a different lucky friend, have a fabulous time in Paris and do a lunch with your other friend at a later date.

No is a perfectly valid answer though.

She shouldn't be pushing it or applying a guilt trip. No is an acceptable answer. It doesn't mean the friendship means less to the invitee.

OP can be disappointed, but thats it. Anything more is unfair.

The adage about its an invite not a summons applies. And no thanks is an acceptable response.

End of conversation.

If the OP wants to work out doing something separately to accomodate friend thats a completely different conversation.

How condescending and only partly true. Some women are capable of being away from their kids for a few days.