Page 12 | Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

Whattodo17xx · 2023-10-02T09:19:19+00:00

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8! I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays. She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her. Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like. AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 02/10/2023 12:30

@Whattodo17xx it’s a shame your friend has said no to your offer of a trip, but you just have to accept that she doesn’t want to go away to Paris and leave her children for a few days.

As you’ve realised by now, there’s no such thing as ‘normal’. Some parents will happily go away without their young kids and others absolutely won’t.

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 12:31

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 12:28

Just for the record there has been no pressuring considering now I've been referred to as an abuser for asking...I asked about the weekend away. She said no basically. I said ok and suggested the 1 night trip away. She said she would have to wait and see what her kids are like nearer the time.

I'm more inclined now to ask other friends who don't have kids and go to Paris as the original plan...and then I'll hopefully be able to see other friend for a local dinner.

I think this is the right approach, OP.

Remember this if you have kids in future and she complains that you won't do things with her.

BungleandGeorge · 02/10/2023 12:31

I think your new plan is the best idea OP. I personally wouldn’t be offended if I got invited to the hen and not to the very small wedding. It would have to be something I really wanted to do though if it was abroad due to cost and hassle etc. leave it nearer the time and you can easily take a night away with your friend as an extra.

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 12:32

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 12:26

read all the thread about hen nights, I am not the "unhinged" one, but you sound charming 😂

I quite like hen weekends personally, so I find the threads highly entertaining. Yours on the other hand, very selfish and not so funny.

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maybe you're not unhinged but you do come across as someone who's a bit strange.

MrsLeonFarrell · 02/10/2023 12:32

What were you expecting when you posted? If every response had said that her reaction was abnormal were you going to use that information to try and change her mind? She has said no, surely the correct response is to respect her answer?

And as to your question, it is normal to leave children and it is normal to not want to leave children. We are all different, we all parent differently and we should all respect each other's parenting decisions.

BubziOwl · 02/10/2023 12:32

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 12:28

Just for the record there has been no pressuring considering now I've been referred to as an abuser for asking...I asked about the weekend away. She said no basically. I said ok and suggested the 1 night trip away. She said she would have to wait and see what her kids are like nearer the time.

I'm more inclined now to ask other friends who don't have kids and go to Paris as the original plan...and then I'll hopefully be able to see other friend for a local dinner.

I don't think the poster who mentioned about abuse was referring to you, but rather other posters on the thread...

ThinWomansBrain · 02/10/2023 12:33

maybe she can't afford it, or would prefer to spend the time/money with her family?

TTCnewbies · 02/10/2023 12:35

Op in my circle of friends and family this would be a completely normal ask! I think it's really sad when mum's feel their own partners (the child's other parent) can't cope with 1 or 2 nights of looking after their own child. I bet the husband wouldn't even bat an eyelid about going away with a mate.
It's really healthy and important to have time out to yourself.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/10/2023 12:35

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 12:25

YANBU at all, OP.

There is some absolute batshittery on this thread.

Yeah this.

I cannot think of one single mother I know in real life who wouldn’t be up a for a weekend away. Thank goodness. I can’t think of anything more dull than refusing to leave my kids for a couple of nights.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 12:35

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 12:32

maybe you're not unhinged but you do come across as someone who's a bit strange.

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I am fully aware of that, aside from this thread which is an excuse to mock and insult struggling mothers, enjoying hen nights and weddings is considered most unusual on MN.

I also celebrate adult birthdays and I love them ! I fully expect to be reported for being a "troll" now 😂

RedToothBrush · 02/10/2023 12:36

waterrat · 02/10/2023 10:26

This is her setting a boundary. What has it 'being normal' got to do with it?

One of my children would not cope well with this - I really hate the thought that people would judge me for that.

Her life, her children, her boundaries. And with a 2 year old - maybe it's her who helps the child sleep.

Not for you to judge.

This.

Its her choice. Shes not comfortable going. Not all children are equal and able to cope.

I wouldn't have left DS at 3 and I wouldn't have appreciated a friend trying to bully me into a trip I didn't want to go on.

And even if I did go, I wouldn't enjoy it as I'd spend the entire time worrying about my kids.

So BACK OFF. Its not about what YOU want. Be a supportive friend and go when you are BOTH ready.

Nosleepforthismum · 02/10/2023 12:36

I think it’s fair to say every mum is different and it also really depends on their kids. Personally, I’d be skipping out the door with a bottle of wine in each hand but mine are pretty chilled kids and settle just as well for their dad as they do for me. If I knew they would be tearful and upset about me leaving/wouldn’t be comforted in the night by their dad I would be more hesitant to go.

Two nights away is too out of her comfort zone and you need to respect that. I’d message and ask if she fancies a one night in a city not too far away but say there’s no pressure if she’s worried about leaving the kids. It gives her an out and allows you to make other plans for your hen.

allhellcantstopusnow · 02/10/2023 12:37

YANBU, unless there's something going on behind the scenes that you're unaware of, 99% of the time it's women being martyrs. You're also not being unreasonable for not wanting an evening dinner with a small child once in a while.

If you can't trust your husband to look after HIS OWN children for a couple of days without you then the problem isn't your friend asking you on a hen weekend.

Also, "it'll be two weeks before I can connect properly with my husband again"...ok? Presumably he's not going to melt in the rain over the next fortnight and you're being asked to go away for a one off event with a friend you've have since you were a fairly small child - I would wager well before you met your husband.

It's this kind of thinking that's shrinks women's worlds and you get spat out on the other end of child rearing and relationship peaks and troughs, illnesses or death and you find yourself having to build a network from almost nothing.

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 12:37

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 12:15

funnily enough she hasn't come up with any examples...

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She's still going off on a tangent I see...

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 12:37

fruitbrewhaha · 02/10/2023 12:35

Yeah this.

I cannot think of one single mother I know in real life who wouldn’t be up a for a weekend away. Thank goodness. I can’t think of anything more dull than refusing to leave my kids for a couple of nights.

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Really? you cannot think of a single person who can't afford a weekend away, who has limited funds and would rather spend them on a family holiday?

You cannot think of a single person who actually enjoy spending time with their kids? Some of you are so depressing.

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 12:39

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 12:35

I am fully aware of that, aside from this thread which is an excuse to mock and insult struggling mothers, enjoying hen nights and weddings is considered most unusual on MN.

I also celebrate adult birthdays and I love them ! I fully expect to be reported for being a "troll" now 😂

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Strange because you have such a bee in your bonnet with the OP, and strange because you claimed the OP was being bitchy but despite a few requests you've failed to come up with any examples.

That's all.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/10/2023 12:40

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 12:37

Really? you cannot think of a single person who can't afford a weekend away, who has limited funds and would rather spend them on a family holiday?

You cannot think of a single person who actually enjoy spending time with their kids? Some of you are so depressing.

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Why does it have to be one extreme or the other? It's perfectly possible to enjoy spending time with DC but also enjoy having some time away from them too.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 12:40

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 12:37

Really? you cannot think of a single person who can't afford a weekend away, who has limited funds and would rather spend them on a family holiday?

You cannot think of a single person who actually enjoy spending time with their kids? Some of you are so depressing.

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Here's your handy reminder that the world is not divided into "people who would be up for a weekend away without their kids" and "people who actually enjoy spending time with their kids".

I actually enjoy my kids a lot more for not spending all my time with them.

Rewis · 02/10/2023 12:40

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 12:28

Just for the record there has been no pressuring considering now I've been referred to as an abuser for asking...I asked about the weekend away. She said no basically. I said ok and suggested the 1 night trip away. She said she would have to wait and see what her kids are like nearer the time.

I'm more inclined now to ask other friends who don't have kids and go to Paris as the original plan...and then I'll hopefully be able to see other friend for a local dinner.

Sounds like a good plan. But don't not-invite other friends with kids (if you want them there) just because of this one friend. Out of my friends majority have regular evenings and weekends without their kids.

HeyThereDelilahhh · 02/10/2023 12:41

I think some people here are being a bit harsh. Completely fine to ask the question as it sounds like you’re coming from a place where you want to understand from her perspective.

Its a year away, so if her youngest isn’t even 2 yet she might be in that headspace thinking her youngest “wouldn’t cope” but a year is a long time for a child and they could be more than fine in a years time in reality! She just might not see it being feasible right now.

I’ve been away numerous times from my 3 year old for work / hen parties / trips with friends. Mine is completely fine with me being away - couldn’t be less bothered! My husband is an equal parent so I’m sure that helps with my child feeling that way too. However, I do try and plan trips or overnights during the week or at least between Thursday - Saturday rather than occupying the entire weekend where it’s more tricky without childcare / school and means I can still spend the weekend or some time as a family too before back into another busy week. I love going away as it resets me even if just a night! However I appreciate everyone is different and some wouldn’t like being away from their kids for their own reasons.

That being said, it may also be a money thing and she is using the children as the reason to avoid mentioning it.

Might be worthwhile suggesting a few different options day trip / one night with different price options too and see what she thinks.

Womencanlift · 02/10/2023 12:41

Its not about what YOU want

It kinda is when the OP is talking about HER hen 🤷‍♀️

If the friend doesn’t want to come then fair enough but the OP shouldn’t be made out to be difficult/an abuser/selfish or any other ridiculous phrases that have been put to her

Olika · 02/10/2023 12:41

Personally I wouldn't want to leave my DD for all weekend either.

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 12:42

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 12:37

Really? you cannot think of a single person who can't afford a weekend away, who has limited funds and would rather spend them on a family holiday?

You cannot think of a single person who actually enjoy spending time with their kids? Some of you are so depressing.

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You got us. All of us who will go for a weekend away with our friends...we HATE our kids. We don't enjoy spending time with them at all. The other 51 weekends of the year are pure torture.

Depressing is your complete inability to understand how life works.

Cornflakes44 · 02/10/2023 12:43

I think it's common for many women to feel like this. But personally I think it feels like these women have a anxious/ insecure attachment to their children, that they can't leave them at all. You're only talking two nights not weeks. I think it's healthy to have some time away from your kids by the time they are that age. For them and you. Shows them you always come back, shows you you're a actual person not just a mother. I'd be disappointed if my friend said no to this reasonable request.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/10/2023 12:43

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 10:36

It's not! Please do not lump us all in together, all the mothers I know are perfectly happy to leave their children for a few days, and why wouldn't they be?

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It is normal for the majority though and the replies on here seem to reflect that.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to if that's what you choose but the OP asked if it was normal not to leave them and it seems most wouldn't want to.