Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

Could there be another reason too? Like money or if she can get time off work? And her husband time off too on the Friday?

I don't think it's "not normal" for her to not feel happy about leaving her children. It won't be the same for everyone which is fine but everyone's dynamic is different.

I would prefer not to myself I think, though I'd be willing to consider it if things worked out. My reasons won't be the same as other people's. I work FT and long hours so a weekend away from my children is not what I would want. I have to travel away from home overnight sometimes for work, which is fine, but means I'd rather avoid doing it by choice. My kids have different clubs and activities over the weekend which need two parents to be dropping off in different places, and no grandparents/ family to help. Having said that though, I wouldn't make an effort for a best friend and in fact have had the odd night away. My husband hasn't! Though I've sometimes taken the kids for short breaks in my own so he gets a peaceful break at home.

My post was in reply to a specific post first of all.

The meals are one thing, I would feel just sorry for a mum who is clearly struggling, but I am less bitchy than some posters on here.

Then going away for several days abroad has nothing to do with putting a friendship first, it's ridiculous to pretend a hen night, whatever shape you give it, is doing the bare minimum.

We don't know the working situation, we don't know the financial position, you expect the other parent to just take annual leave to accommodate their partner going away with a friend.

And yes, breaking news, your kids become more important than your friends. If they are not, I'd seriously question your parenting.

It's funny, a thread about a bride expecting her friends to go away for a hen weekend on the beach will receive screams of "bridzilla, how dare she expect for friends to pay for this, how entitled, in my time we only bought a sandwich from Aldi and a pint from the pub down the road and the rest of it, hen nights are so tacky anyway, I would NEVER accept to go on a hen ever"...

but THIS thread about a woman just saying, no thank you, I am not going, is abuse right left and centre because said woman is a MOTHER.

She doesn’t want to go OP. That’s the end of it. It doesn’t matter if someone else would love to leave their kids for a few nights, or someone else could never even sleep under a different roof to their crotch goblins. She’s declined and that’s it.

I hope you have another friend to invite, and that you have a wonderful wedding. Congratulations!

Are you unhinged?

I’m answering the question asked by OP, based on my experience. I don’t know any mums who wouldn’t go for a few nights.

which ones?

And OP, I’m so sorry for you. I’ve been ditched by friends like this, and it’s heartbreaking. I hope you can find some other friends to do something fun with

YANBU at all, OP.

There is some absolute batshittery on this thread.

i don’t think you’re unreasonable to ask at all and personally i would happily (assuming I could afford it) go away for a hen do and leave Dad in charge. And he does the same, for stag dos and also for work trips. He tried to keep these to a minimum when the children were super small and it is admittedly easier when they are older than two years old. We also go away a bit just the two of us and leave the kids with grandparents (both uk trips and abroad).

but I can also imagine a scenario where it might seem daunting to leave the kids for more than one night and out of the country so perhaps a one-night UK break might be a happy medium.

I also think sometimes people would rather say it’s the kids than allude to not being able to afford something.

I don't think she's fobbing you off with an excuse if that's one of your concerns, everyone is different and some are fine to leave their children whilst others aren't.

I personally love time away with my friends, for me it's really important to have a balance in life- but DH is an equal parent and I trust him as much as he trusts me with our DS; he also doesn't view it as something to hold over my head (and neither do I when he goes away which admittedly isn't often). I have friends with feckless partners who are hesitant to leave them which is sad and a shame. Others simply don't feel comfortable for various reasons, and whilst that'd okay of course it's understandable if friends don't want to wait around forever.

Yes this is what I meant..we are a partnership, we try and do 50:50 so yes if I wanted to I could swan off for a few days but then at some point I'd expect him to be able to do the same without recourse. If I'm going to do that I want to do it for something worthwhile (something that I wanted to do rather than was obliged to do).

read all the thread about hen nights, I am not the "unhinged" one, but you sound charming 😂

I quite like hen weekends personally, so I find the threads highly entertaining. Yours on the other hand, very selfish and not so funny.

Depends. If in going to leave my kids for the first time, I'd rather it be when it's something me and my partner can do together without them. Once kid is ok with being left then yeh maybe branch out to going away with friends.

Its different for all people. You have to consider that this is where her priorities lie, and its nothing to do with you or your wedding. You are both in different stages of life so have to respect her wishes as a parent

I don’t think yabu to ask. Neither is she to reject. She’s not willing to leave her kids for a few days. I’d not neither. I’m doing it for the first time after 5.5years when I’ve prepared mentally and I know my son will be able to cope , and not when someone outside of my family setting decides that I should be ready.
yogve asked. She’s declined. It might be normal for others but it’s not for her and that’s what you’ve to accept

Not healthy why?
I was very attached to my primary carers growing up and suffered when they were away. As an adult, I am extremely independent. I moved overseas on my own age 17 and have been living far away from my family ever since.
Having that close, secure bond when I was small gave me the confidence to be independent as an adult.

Just for the record there has been no pressuring considering now I've been referred to as an abuser for asking...I asked about the weekend away. She said no basically. I said ok and suggested the 1 night trip away. She said she would have to wait and see what her kids are like nearer the time.

I'm more inclined now to ask other friends who don't have kids and go to Paris as the original plan...and then I'll hopefully be able to see other friend for a local dinner.

I think different parents will give you a different response here and there's a pretty big range of "normal". I would go away for a weekend but I wouldn't want to go to a different country with kids, just in case for some reason there was a problem and I couldn't get back to them. I realise many parents do go away on work trips or social trips abroad. I don't think there's a wrong or right necessarily.

I wouldn't have at that time either tbh, not because I didn't trust partner, it just did't feel tight. There is no normal, I have friends who went away with friends for a few days a few months after having a baby, I myself didn't fly while pregnant, we all worry and justify different things!

Also just to add, I'd still go away, just take someone else if possible. And congratulations on the upcoming wedding x

Don't automatically not ask other friends who have kids. Others might jump at the chance for a weekend in Paris.

I think it sounds like youve been thoughtful to offer to tweak plan for her, there will be some people with children who would probably love to go though I wouldn't discount them all just because she doesn't.

I couldn't have left my children at 3 for the weekend. One of mine would not have coped. I'm really not sure why you are so upset about her saying no? It's not a total rejection of you- in fact it doesn't sound like it's about you at all.

have you consider asking for lunch rather than dinner? It might be easier specially if one child doesn’t settle well without their mum around