...to believe that my DH's female colleague has ulterior motives?

[Icantbelieveitsnotcrap]

Name changed for this one.

I know this may be hard to believe as many men are not, but my DH is a lovely, sweet, shy and innocent man. He was surprised once before when a woman he was in an orchestra with developed a crush on him and he had to let her down gently.

The woman I am probably unreasonably worrying about this unnecessarily has been working with him for about 7 years now. Without wanting to say anything to identify any of us, she is an equal at work, no career climbing thing going on and it's not that kind of environment anyway.

She always seems to be somewhere in his close vicinity when I see them in a big groups (ie when out at restaurants with colleagues, etc, or when I drop into the office at lunchtime...)

I asked my DH about this last night, as he failed to mention that he was playing Scrabulous against her amongst the few other people he is playing that he did reel off (he's only playing about 4 games, and one of them is against me). I happen to know that he is playing this woman because he left himself logged into his scrabulous page on my computer the other day.

I should say that I do not think there is anything untoward going on between them at all.

I just get the very strong feeling that she is ready and waiting should anything go wrong between my DH and me. My DH said last night that she wonders why I am frosty with her. I wondered that might bother her in the slightest since I hardly ever see her, and frosty only inasmuch as I do not want her to be in possession of any more information about our family than she already has.

My DH says that they are just friends, that he does not speak to her about anything personal apart from "why Icantbelieve doesn't like me". He also said that he does not understand why I do not like her.

I want to know if this seems as mad on the outside as it's beginning to feel on the inside, or whether in your collective experience a vague feeling can be more often right than wrong. I have NEVER felt this way about any other person with whom my DH comes in contact- I am really not a serial jealous person.

So, to revive an old thread- what would the MN collective think if they knew that every time husband, who is away for work, emails me, he also emails her? Totally harmless anodyne work-related stuff, but still...

It's not harmless if it their relationship (work or otherwise) is troubling you still, over a year on from your last post.

Has he talked this through with you? What does he suggest to help you feel more comfortable about this?

I would feel uncomfortable with the way she and your DH have behaved in all this, has it got any easier for you or changed in any way in the last year?

Well, since last year she has lost an old and gained a new boyfriend. I have felt less threatened by her since this time last year (cannot explain why, just a gut-feeling), but this email thing is unsettling me again. Not as badly unsettled as I was last year though.

No, he hasn't really addressed my concerns in any way. He just avoids mentioning her and she avoids me conspicuously, behaving in an off-hand way if our paths do cross. Which just makes the elephant bigger. I have my theory about why this is, but I can't reveal it as it may identify me.

Well if he only has a certain window of time to email anyone and he needs to email her for work and he wants to email you then it's not surprising they would coincide, surely?
That said, I don't think you were wrong to have your suspicions originally.

Well, that's just it you see- he has my phone with him because of its extra widgets (world maps, triband etc) and the fact that he can email from it. So he can email any time during the day when he's near an open wifi network. And they don't even work in the same department, so it's more general work stuff than nitty-gritty. To me it feels like he contacting her to contact her iyswim. It's nothing that can't wait till he gets back to find out about.

She probably suspects that you're suspicious of her and perhaps enjoys that in some way.

That could be why she avoids you - to add drama/intrigue to her life.

I used to get on very well with a male colleague when we were both in relationships - go out for lunch/drinks etc and there was nothing in it. Well he did try it on once but was drunk.

His partner knew it was innocent/was fine with it but i got on well with her too. However when he started new relationship it did change as she was very jealous and so i backed off because i'm a nice person and didn't want to cause any problems .

Its funny though how some women do just make our hackles rise. DH had someone like that in his office - she's left now but still does things like put pictures of herself in her bikini on her facebook account which her colleagues have access too. I just find it amusing/strange . . .

Hmmmm, I'd have to have words about that then. It's probably be innocent, but it's still inappropriate and insensitive if it's upsetting you when it is not in the least bit necessary.

how do you know that he emails her when he emails you? does he cc her in?

Honestly, if they aren't fucking like rabbits by now it's just not going to happen. They are friends. That's OK.

YANBU

To be honest I would be fuming if I had a husband who went to a flirtatious colleague's house for dinner. The elderly couple could tell she was after him and you know it too.
WHY do men not see these predatory bints? I had a mate at uni whose boyfriend worked with many scantily clad women (it was a bar). They all fancied him and tried it on and he just defended them by saying they were nice girls. Ugggrr. Your dh has admitted he likes the attention, no? No wonder you are frosty with her. I don't blame you.
I think that if she wasn't a threat then you would have no problems with their friendship.
Friends would know that such an arrangement is inappropriate.

I would not have a problem with my dp having a friendship with another woman btw UNLESS I had that instinctive feeling that I couldn't put my finger on. You do have that gut feeling. Don't ignore it.

Thing is, she may well be 'after' him. SHe may well be selfish, desperate and predatory. BUT if your DH was actually interested, he would have slipped her a length by now. He really does sound pretty much oblivious to the fact that she fancies him, and an utterly trustworthy man. And he probably, fundamentally, doesn't fancy her. Remember it's his behaviour that concerns you, not hers. She's not going to rape him. He has no track record (from what you post) of getting pissed and whoops-his-cock-landed-in-her.

"slipped her a length"

snooort

snooort?are you on the lemsips again?