...to believe that my DH's female colleague has ulterior motives?

[Icantbelieveitsnotcrap]

Name changed for this one.

I know this may be hard to believe as many men are not, but my DH is a lovely, sweet, shy and innocent man. He was surprised once before when a woman he was in an orchestra with developed a crush on him and he had to let her down gently.

The woman I am probably unreasonably worrying about this unnecessarily has been working with him for about 7 years now. Without wanting to say anything to identify any of us, she is an equal at work, no career climbing thing going on and it's not that kind of environment anyway.

She always seems to be somewhere in his close vicinity when I see them in a big groups (ie when out at restaurants with colleagues, etc, or when I drop into the office at lunchtime...)

I asked my DH about this last night, as he failed to mention that he was playing Scrabulous against her amongst the few other people he is playing that he did reel off (he's only playing about 4 games, and one of them is against me). I happen to know that he is playing this woman because he left himself logged into his scrabulous page on my computer the other day.

I should say that I do not think there is anything untoward going on between them at all.

I just get the very strong feeling that she is ready and waiting should anything go wrong between my DH and me. My DH said last night that she wonders why I am frosty with her. I wondered that might bother her in the slightest since I hardly ever see her, and frosty only inasmuch as I do not want her to be in possession of any more information about our family than she already has.

My DH says that they are just friends, that he does not speak to her about anything personal apart from "why Icantbelieve doesn't like me". He also said that he does not understand why I do not like her.

I want to know if this seems as mad on the outside as it's beginning to feel on the inside, or whether in your collective experience a vague feeling can be more often right than wrong. I have NEVER felt this way about any other person with whom my DH comes in contact- I am really not a serial jealous person.

his girlfriend might be niggled to death by your friendship for all you know OverMyDeadBody - she may just be extremely good at hiding it.

Excellent post, skidoodle.

I don't think that you have any choice other than to trust your DH. Especially if he has given you know reason to doubt him in the past.

You should know in your heart that if this women did make a move then your DH would reject her and deal with the situation. If you don't know this, the problem is more likely to be with you or your relationship.

There are lots of man chasers out there and I'm a great beleiver in if they are going to stray they will.

If you don't have trust then this situation will drive you nuts and there may well be no situation. i.e you could be driving yourself nuts over nothing!

Good luck

what might be the seed of jealousy that was planted years ago?

OMDB:
"Why do so many women always see other women as the enemy or a threat when it comes to their DPs? Can't men have social relationships or colleague relationships with women if they have wives/girlfriends? "

But this is not a woman who always sees other women as they enemy or a threat when it comes to her DP. She has no issue with her DH having social relationships or colleague relationships with women.

She is not comfortable about the way she feels THIS woman acts around her DH.

Must her individual case be tarred with the "most women (except me) are jealous and unreasonable harpies" brush?

Do you believe that it is never, ever the case that a woman who is jealous/suspicious is right in what she thinks?

That is a very very good point Catzy.

You see, this is why I decided to post this on MN. I need to unload it and have a really good look at it instead of bottling it all up.

"...when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it."

"Anchovy I find the fact that you would be angry with his wife if she was uncomfortable with your splitting off to have dinner alone slightly weird. It speaks of a sense of entitlement to his time that, to me, belies your claims that all is completely above board with this colleague. If it really were then surely if you found out it made his wife sad or insecure you would pull back rather than getting angry with her?"

Sorry - it was clear in my own mind but may not have been in how it came across. We have to go to work things that involve a weekend in a separate country - no spouses. Maybe twice a year. There are usually "arranged" dinners with lots of other collegues from around the world - dull as ditchwater and food of the "rubber-chicken-local-equivalent". Me and my mate colleague often see if we can slope off and find a restaurant where we can have real food of our choosing. So its not as though his wife would be having dinner with him and I am not having an entitlement to his time. Usually one or two other people come along as well - he and I being the constants, because we are less scared of getting in trouble if we get found out .

I said I would be pissed off if his wife was feeling "sad or insecure", not angry. Of course I would pull back - he is a mate and I would not want to cause any concern. But she would have to be highly interpretative of my behaviour or his to have any concerns.

Who knows - she could be a mumsnetter -.

I had a best mate (in a work colleague sense) that happened to be a happily married man. We used to spend lunch hours together and would often end up together on evenings out. We talked about lots of things - quite personal things too. He had no female friends that he talked about such stuff with. Should his wife really have been the only one he could talk to? I was very fond of him. But I'd rather have chopped my own leg off than sh*gged him. And I suspect the feeling was mutual. It simply was not sexual.

I know the OP isn't thinking along those lines skidoodle, I was just making a generalised statement, not about the OP's feelings, and perhaps I shouldn't have.

To Icantbelieve, I guess the important thing here is that you trust your DH implicably, and you mentioned he had to let someone else who had a cruch on him down, so presumably you're not at all worried about anything actually happening here right?

I did lol at her having the same colourings as his mother, that's not a reason why he'd fancy her though, in fact it might just mean he sees her as someone like his mother, whcih is good right!

Binke yes she may be very good at hiding her feelings, but that's a good thing. We all have feelings, irrational at times, that are best kept hidden. I know she has nothing to worry about, so hopefully that comes across when she sees me. I did help set them up together too

Same here Orm...as I've said, I stronly believe in trusting your instinct however instinct isnt the same as letting a little niggle fester and grow and this seems to be the situation here. Also, I think attraction in the workplace tends to come about quickly and not go on for years unaddressed (if there was anything between them) unless both parties have excellent morals which override any desire to take things further.

I truly think it is innocent - I do think you are naturally envious of the friendship she has with your dh and also that she is obviously accepted as one of the lads, whereas you are on the outside of that social group as it were. Almost like she is his 'substitute wife' in his worklife IYSWIM

DP works in a team of about twelveish people, the one person he is really close to is a guy, who is leaving next week, the person he closest too after him and he talks about quite often is a female, same age as me, in fact, pretty similar to me on paper and he obviously gets on well with her. Are you and lady in question similar? Maybe that's why DH gets on well with her, because she reminds him of you?

I know that they have spoken about her pregnancies and the fact that she too has had 2cs's because he ahs told me, they've also spoke about how he is with my DC's and how her fella is with hers because we are in a similar situation with step-parenting, so I know they have personal in-depth conversations.

However I also know her relationship is pretty crap, DP has told me this and I do sometimes get a bit jealous and thnk that they have a great relationship, she isnt happy with her fella, she knows that her situation wouldnt bother DP as it's so similar to how I was when we got together, and it's horrible.

It's not a nice feeling, especially when I'm at home all day every day doing feck all and heavily pg!

TBF, I don't think of him and any other woman as a threat, just this one, and it is purely the fact that they have a good relationship that does it too me. So I know exactly where you are coming from, but I also know that I am just being silly and insecure, because that's what people do, we get silly and insecure over people we love, it's natural, especially when we aren't feeling the greatest in ourselves.

Are you maybe feeling unhappy with yourself? and that's what is bringing these feelings out? I would also say though, that it's probably nothing, and even if she does have a bit of a crush on him, well, crushes are harmless and there is nothing we can do to stop them, as long as you trust him that's all that matters.

1. When your time comes you will be a better mother than her.
2. Age doesn't matter, she may have no eggs or might never want children.
3. It's good to have differences, else how would you learn and grow from each other.
4. This is mad. If it was a problem he wouldn't be with you in the first place.

I'm not saying ignore the feelings. But if did or said anything stupid you could damage your relationship. If you speak to your DH make sure he knows you trust him.

My DH works away and has plenty of time to cheat on me. But if you reverse that I have plenty of time to cheat on him. I never have and have to believe the same of him or if would never work.

xx

BTW, I've just read the rest of the thread, sorry, I really should read before I post!

You say she is always there when they are in big groups. Do you feel strange about the other people in the groups you see her in? Why is it just her you worry about? Does she make you feel inadequate or insecure?

Perhaps you just think she is attractive, nice, etc and so you are worried that your husband thinks so too?

I think Facebook can cause a lot of problems if you let it. Perhaps you are being frosty with her and perhaps it might be better if you tried to be more friendly. That way if she does have designs on him she might feel more guilty about it and may take a step back.

binkle

"Also, I think attraction in the workplace tends to come about quickly and not go on for years unaddressed (if there was anything between them"

yes, that's true. seeing someone every day means little crushes can come and go quite easily and never cause a bit of harm.

I guess the thing is that I don't think you're being unreasonable at all Icantbelieve but I don't think you need to do anything about it or dwell on it either.

love the pooh quote

What you say makes a lot of sense, Binkle. Especially the "work wife" bit. I know how accepted and protected by colleagues some workplace relationships (even flirtations) can be, and for people to believe them a workplace "item" would make me very sad.

fwiw, she is unmarried, and has just come out a two year relationship which seems to have foundered (based on reported information via DH) because the BF felt that she did not love him enough to uproot herself for a year back in his native country (true) even though he uprooted himself for 2 years to be in hers.

My DH cited this relationship as proof of her not fancying him as she is saying that she is really upset about the relationship breaking up even though she showed no signs of wanting to settle down with him (they are both in their mid 30s) and apparently did not love him enough to even look for a job in his country when he got really homesick. I think (in my deluded state) that this relationship was a smokescreen/ genuine attempt to get on with her life, but now she is "back on the market" as it were.

I know its a bummer but I suppose its that old 'reverse the sexes' thing again - ie if she was a man she would just be considered his best workmate and not work wife.

Not that she is considered that I'm sure.

So, in conclusion, I let it be, try to be friends with her, and trust in my DH. I am glad I spoke to him about it though.

And many thanks to all who have taken the time to respond to my ramblings...

I don't see any particular reason to try to be friends with her.

You don't owe her anything and I'm not convinced that bringing her closer to either of you is sensible given your feelings towards her.

You obviously do trust your DH and it's really good that he knows how you feel about this.

Except that it's quite out of character for me to be quite so spiky about anyone. I usually manage to be quite nice to people, but I just don't feel in any way disposed to be nice to her. Just wish I could be more gracious about it all. I think that this all just blew up again because a friend's husband just left her all of sudden without any warning and for no apparent reason.

I've only once felt jealous re my DH. A woman in his pool team. And it made me very spiky. I hated her guts even though I knew she was OK and there were no grounds for my feeling as I did.

I think trust your instincts. If she's asking your DH why you're cold towards her it sounds like she does fancy him. Doesn't mean he fancies her though but you're right to be suspicious of her.

I can sympathise. I am a jealous person and would probably be in a sticky situation having to say something, but looking unreasonable.

BUT, with a sensible head on, you sound like you trust him. He is not hiding the converstations or games. Try to focus on making the relationship great so that it won't break donw. And try not to make a big issues. But don't be 'cool' and encourage him to spend time wtih her or something like that.

some women are like vultures - they can't help but be attracted to the unavailable. I had a friend who only went after married/attached or gay men - totally mad. But she was successful many times. She was not a happy person though...

OK, so...update.

I invited this woman for supper along with a number of other people including our lovely 68 yr old neighbours. We all had a family supper with the children etc.

Colleague ended up sitting directly opposite my husband for the meal, just by chance...

Later 68 yr old neighbours both said, unprompted and not warned of this situation at all (even the man! and they are often not so observant) that they thought she had a crush on my husband, that she was being quite quiet and a little withdrawn as though she was trying to make a impression of someone who does not have too many opinions of their own. Man neighbour said that she "was making eyes" at my husband.

Long and short of it is she has gone for a few weeks to work in another location, across town from where my husband works, supposedly to get over the sadness at seeing her ex with his new flame just a few desks away.

I woke my husband up in the middle of the night the other day and had a really good chat with him cos this was all bugging me big time, and we talked very frankly about a lot of things. He said he does in any way think she is after him. I believe that he believes that. He also acknowledged that he had missed the last time someone had a crush on him.

But... she's bloody invited my husband for lunch today... at her house... alone!!

When he told me about it on Friday all I could was snigger evilly. He said he'd ring me to come and rescue him if she made a pass at him. He joked that he'd hide in the loo with his mobile phone or feign a death in the family or something.

But I just tried to call him at work (at about 2:20 and he didn't bloody answer his phone. And his mobile was switched off.

So good ladies of MN, please tell me the most likely scenario because I am slightly freaking out here and need a reality check...

he doesn't in any way...

Freudian slip there...