...to believe that my DH's female colleague has ulterior motives?

[Icantbelieveitsnotcrap]

Name changed for this one.

I know this may be hard to believe as many men are not, but my DH is a lovely, sweet, shy and innocent man. He was surprised once before when a woman he was in an orchestra with developed a crush on him and he had to let her down gently.

The woman I am probably unreasonably worrying about this unnecessarily has been working with him for about 7 years now. Without wanting to say anything to identify any of us, she is an equal at work, no career climbing thing going on and it's not that kind of environment anyway.

She always seems to be somewhere in his close vicinity when I see them in a big groups (ie when out at restaurants with colleagues, etc, or when I drop into the office at lunchtime...)

I asked my DH about this last night, as he failed to mention that he was playing Scrabulous against her amongst the few other people he is playing that he did reel off (he's only playing about 4 games, and one of them is against me). I happen to know that he is playing this woman because he left himself logged into his scrabulous page on my computer the other day.

I should say that I do not think there is anything untoward going on between them at all.

I just get the very strong feeling that she is ready and waiting should anything go wrong between my DH and me. My DH said last night that she wonders why I am frosty with her. I wondered that might bother her in the slightest since I hardly ever see her, and frosty only inasmuch as I do not want her to be in possession of any more information about our family than she already has.

My DH says that they are just friends, that he does not speak to her about anything personal apart from "why Icantbelieve doesn't like me". He also said that he does not understand why I do not like her.

I want to know if this seems as mad on the outside as it's beginning to feel on the inside, or whether in your collective experience a vague feeling can be more often right than wrong. I have NEVER felt this way about any other person with whom my DH comes in contact- I am really not a serial jealous person.

No, it was a weekday, but I work from home not very far away so it would have been easy for me to go too.

My feeling is that she is blathering on about men dating etc in an attempt to make him jealous/ gauge his reaction. What does anybody else think?

i only read your o/p but i think when you do see this woman again you need to act friendly and happy towards her. if she does have ulterior motives, seeing you as frosty and maybe her thinking that you think she has designs on him, might only add fuel to her fire. If you come across like butter wouldn't melt she's more likely to realise she hasn't got a hope in hell because you're so fab she can't possibly compete, iyswim?

agree with totalmisfit that if you have any cause to suspect, then you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer.

Kill her with kindness. The supper invite is a step in the right direction. Invite her over for lunch in your house, to 'repay' her for the previous one. And keep inviting her

Whatever her motives, this should put things to bed.

worst case scenario is that she does fancy him - but that's OK, isn't it? It's not a crime to find someone attractive. She hasn't done anything wrong.

I also agree with those others who have said that you're not helping matters by being frosty with her. It's obviously going to look like jealousy so you're making this a issue between the three of you even if it doesn't need to be.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

It sounds like this woman does have some ulterior motives but blueshoes had a v good suggestion in inviting her over (if you can stomach it) and next time she invites your DH to her home, turn up with him!

meggle, agree that if OP's Dh is going to stray, he is going to stray. But my feeling is that her dh is innocent. And so my advice was in relation to the woman.

Inviting her and being in her face is just to put her off, if she needs putting off. Of course, the OP looking good and being fab and utterly lovely on the surface is a great strategy and the best revenge. I mean, if everything is above board, nothing wrong in inviting this woman out for lunch ALONE - aren't we all being Friendly

If the woman is innocent as well, then the OP would have made a friend. So nothing to lose. In both cases, the OP can put her demons to rest.

I can't abide by powerlessness. I believe in bringing things to a subtle head.

Oh, OP should invite this woman to confide in her (after all OP and Dh talk, shouldn't they?), offer relationship advice, set up dates. All good stuff, friendly-like.

Agree with blueshoes. I really think this is the best plan.

I disagree. Why cultivate her? Do you play happy friend games with all his other colleagues? Cut loose and be confident that DH is not interested - and I agree that he's probably not. However, if he's as nice as he sounds, he won't want to hurt her feelings (why not? bitch! )so he's unlikely to tell her to get lost in quite the way we all might like.

It's just a waste of time though, isn't it? the op is feeling upset and spending time thinking about this. Her dh should be able to say 'if it bothers you, then I'll stop seeing her out of the office. It's not important.' A work colleague would understand that.

I thought you were over-reacting initially but WTF is your dh doing going to her house for lunch? She's certainly not innocent even if he is. I think you have to tell your dh that he is not to see her outside work on her own at all.

I did that to DH once. It was innocent enough, but my point was that while he and I knew that, she might not have, nor might all his work colleagues. I said I felt it potentially humiliating and that I would prefer him not to pursue it. He chuntered a bit about it all being unnecessary, but did it anyway. As I would have for him. Our loyalty is ultimately to each other.

If OP spent 7 years brooding about this woman, it is time for action IMO, not speculation.

Agree also she should also be able to dictate to her dh. If I a male colleague called time on a work relationship in terms of cosy lunches and meeting alone in socially dubious circumstances (not that I would do any of that), I would understand as his first priority must be his family.

I think she's confiding in your dh, which is a step further than I'd like if it were my partner. She obviously 'likes' him and the more she confides the closer, she thinks, he'll become. That's what women do and by stretching the boundaries she is making you look unreasonable or rather trying to.

The thing that would bother me here is that she feels free to discuss you with your DH, as in 'why does your wife not like me?'. It's inappropriate - because by answering her at all, he's got to be disloyal to you basically.

i certainly wouldn't 'cultivate' her and ask her round etc etc etc - shouldn't be necessary. Direct chat with DH really OUGHT to result in him not allowing this sort of level of intimacy any more; I'd do it for my DH if he was uncomfortable with good reason; which I think you have here.

Now before I say anything else I have to explain that I discussed this with DH and this is his suggestion and his alone. So please don't have a go at me!

DH doesn;t think that the OP has anything to worry about with regards to her DH (as the OP has already said) however he also says that the OW may have ulterior motives. If another lunch thing comes up, a work do or something similar, he thinks that if the OP were to give her DH a BJ the morning of said event, he will only have one thing on h is mind that day and it will not be the OW. Shallow approach but he thinks he's onto a winner - hang on maybe he has something he needs to tell me!!!

Sorry tried to read most of thread, but went very dizzy, my advice would be always trust your gut instinct, mother nature gave it to us for a reason, and just because she may be overstepping the mark doesnt mean that dh has or will. I would also try not to alienate her from conversation, if he feels it upsets you he may start to keep parts of their relationship from you and you dont want that.

Be positive about your dh, tell him how much you love him want him etc, romance him a little bring the focus back around to you two, and she will fade away. quints dh is not wrong imo,men are men after all, make your dh all yours again, dont share, reassert your position with him as numero uno.

what was her reason for inviting him round for lunch on his own at her place, I haven't read all the posts

Thanks colacube was worried about writing that, however DH is thrilled that you agree with him!!!!

quint- your DH's principle is the one I was ahem working to on Tuesday am. Apparently one of the Edwardian Prime Minister's wives (can't remember which) used to work to the same one with her slightly roving husband. Sensible lady.

And thank you everyone for taking the time to respond- it really helps to know that it's not just me having doubts about her behaviour. I've tried to explain everything as levelly and in as balanced a way as possible, but obviously the view on here is going to be slightly skewed in my favour since I'm telling it!

DH did look a little taken aback when I pointed out yesterday that she had invited him alone to her house when they could have arranged to meet in a cafe or pub halfway, or she could have nipped into work. I think maybe he is starting to see my way of thinking... He said that she had made no moves at all, but I pointed that she could be just softening him up and getting ready to strike -possibly at the conference they're both going to at the beginning of June?.

Whoa! Conference? Get on with Quint's plan.