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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to believe that my DH's female colleague has ulterior motives?

191 replies

Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 06/03/2008 10:18

Name changed for this one.

I know this may be hard to believe as many men are not, but my DH is a lovely, sweet, shy and innocent man. He was surprised once before when a woman he was in an orchestra with developed a crush on him and he had to let her down gently.

The woman I am probably unreasonably worrying about this unnecessarily has been working with him for about 7 years now. Without wanting to say anything to identify any of us, she is an equal at work, no career climbing thing going on and it's not that kind of environment anyway.

She always seems to be somewhere in his close vicinity when I see them in a big groups (ie when out at restaurants with colleagues, etc, or when I drop into the office at lunchtime...)

I asked my DH about this last night, as he failed to mention that he was playing Scrabulous against her amongst the few other people he is playing that he did reel off (he's only playing about 4 games, and one of them is against me). I happen to know that he is playing this woman because he left himself logged into his scrabulous page on my computer the other day.

I should say that I do not think there is anything untoward going on between them at all.

I just get the very strong feeling that she is ready and waiting should anything go wrong between my DH and me. My DH said last night that she wonders why I am frosty with her. I wondered that might bother her in the slightest since I hardly ever see her, and frosty only inasmuch as I do not want her to be in possession of any more information about our family than she already has.

My DH says that they are just friends, that he does not speak to her about anything personal apart from "why Icantbelieve doesn't like me". He also said that he does not understand why I do not like her.

I want to know if this seems as mad on the outside as it's beginning to feel on the inside, or whether in your collective experience a vague feeling can be more often right than wrong. I have NEVER felt this way about any other person with whom my DH comes in contact- I am really not a serial jealous person.

OP posts:
fieryfiery · 22/04/2008 17:03

I never eat lunch away from my desk- I would get fat!!
I take something healthy from home

Chequers · 22/04/2008 17:05

Message withdrawn

WillyWonka · 22/04/2008 17:06

fiery - I too try to take something healthy to eat at my desk but then feel the need to pop along to Krispy Kreme for my pudding...

CountessDracula · 22/04/2008 17:07

Well she may have ulterior motives but it doesn't sound like he does!

He sounds like he can handle himself in these situations though I am surprised that he would go to her house for lunch knowing how you feel.

fieryfiery · 22/04/2008 17:09

Oh wiily wonka- self control!!
Take a delicious piece of fruit such as mango or passion fruit, that's what I do.
I must admit though, a couple of days before my period I don't know if I could resist a Krispy Kreme

noddyholder · 22/04/2008 17:11

If my dp knew I had a problem with someone like this he certaqinly wouldn't go to her house for lunch if it bothered me.I'm not saying it would because I think you need to be in the situation to see the whole picture but it does sound like she fancies him and he is probably secretly flattered but not interested But female intuition is sometimes very accurate so who knows?No real help sorry

mum2sons · 22/04/2008 18:13

YANBU in the 1st thread and YADNBU now. A single woman inviting a married colleague to lunch at her home, just the 2 of them... She is a predator!

Quattrocento · 22/04/2008 18:53

You are increasing the OP's paranoia ...

Lauriefairycake · 22/04/2008 19:20

is he back - everything sorted out ??

sparklesandnowinefor9months · 22/04/2008 19:34

everything ok?

Trolleydolly71 · 22/04/2008 19:52

Message withdrawn

Chequers · 22/04/2008 20:08

Message withdrawn

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 20:21

I think that I would be really pissed off if my dp was discussing things like why I do/do not like a collegue with said collegue, it makes you the outsider in that triangle, if you see what I mean. I would like to think that people think my dp are such a close couple that things like that are not something that they could bring up. What does he say when she asks why you don't like her? Anything is a bit shitty, whether it's jealousy, you being unreasonable or whatever it is. And I would never assume that your dh is completely unlikely to ever have an affair, he is human afterall. It's not the most unlikely thing in the world for a close friendship to become more.
I think you need to discuss this further with your dh let him know that you trust him but you have a hard time with his friendship with this woman. Obviously you couldn't ask him to stop his friendship but maybe give it a little more space for a bit. You sound like you have a great relationship with your dh and I wouldn't resort to game playing 20 years into a relationship with the man I loved, who gives a shit what she thinks about you? Work on this with your dh and things may well improve and maybe with space he'll understand how close this other woman has been allowed to get.

PosieParker · 22/04/2008 20:32

Unless Ican'tbelieveitsnotcrap thinks her husband may be bisexual it is not like discussing a male friendship. Her dh is confiding in a woman and having lunch at her house, I would be hopping mad. I am assuming she finds her husband attractive and there's sometimes nothing more attractive to a single girl than a committed man who has proven he can do commitment. My dp is the boss and that has it's own appeal and so when I discovered a 23 year old leggy blonde calling him for a chat at the weekend I went crazy and he ceased being 'friends', my feelings were of the upmost importance. I just don't men and women are the same when it comes to affairs...
My uncle, complete womaniser, used to tell his wife of mini silly rumours about him that were 'funny and untrue' about his behaviour and activities with other women so when she heard them she dismissed them as rubbish.... they were all true. After 33 years of marriage my father cheated on my mother because he could.

Original poster
Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 22/04/2008 21:21

Sorry, was parents' evening. He rang me back at 4pm. Had been in a meeting since getting back.

Apparently lunch happened entirely in the quite nice back garden, but I am still finding the whole thing fishy as hell on her part.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 22/04/2008 21:25

And Posie you are so right I think about the single women/ committed men thing. Ultimately all many of us really want in a life partner s someone fairly dependable with whom to have children (or choose not to).

OP posts:
PosieParker · 22/04/2008 21:28

I guess the worst outcome, apart from the obvious, would be for you to completely wreck the trust your dh may feel you have with eachother or make this a self fulfilling prophecy. 'eh? I just think without opportunity men don't cheat!

quint · 22/04/2008 21:44

I didn;t think much about her motives beforehand and thought that maybe you were being a bot paranoid (though to be fair, I would have probably felt the same as you in those circumstances!), however inviting him to lunch at her house - NO WAY!!! That is not on, why could they not have had lunch in a cafe or pub nearby, the home is far too personal.

If I were you I wouldn't go on about her too much now as you don;t want to draw attention to her, just be aware that she could be up to something so you can make sure it doesn;t happen.

LouiseAnn · 22/04/2008 21:54

I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if I am repeating.

I think you need to recognise your feelings as real and have a chat with your husband about your feelings. Even if it is all innocent, you feel upset and worried. Keep the communication channels open.

Squiffy · 23/04/2008 09:36

So...

HE is thinking 'daft old wife, love her to bits but she does get some strange ideas in her head' and wanders off into the lion's den (alright, pedants, 'lioness's' den) in all innocence, thinking nothing of it because in his mind nothing untoward is in the air.

SHE is thinking 'Well, I fooled them all at the dinner, the wife obviously doesn't suspect anything. Coast is clear, so I can up my game and finally nail him'

And I'm sitting here thinking this will all end in tears, and/or deep embarassment for the two of them.

You know that your DH is being daft and you know what she wants. Definately time to say that enough is enough. Regardless of whether he believes you, the situation is making your life miserable and the only way to resolve that is by him putting clear blue water between himself and his colleague. He needs to start being much cooler and treat her as vaguely toxic. That is the only way in which he can start to show that he has proper respect for your concerns. He won't want to do it because a teeny part of him thinks he is a romantic hero in a comic strip, but you need to give him a dose of reality.

Megglevache · 23/04/2008 09:45

Message withdrawn

Trolleydolly71 · 23/04/2008 10:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 23/04/2008 11:26

One of the final nails in her coffin as it were for me was the topics of conversation over lunch yesterday.

Let me run this past the good ladies of MN:

She is "supposed" to be still suffering from the break up from her boyfriend, so much that she had to go and work somewhere else for a month to avoid seeing him.

So why then discuss with my husband the bloke that from a dating site that she went up to London to see the other day? Or tell him about hte other man friends she is seeing occasionally? Why would she do that?

OP posts:
clam · 23/04/2008 11:45

Umm.... what was this lunch for? Business? in which case it should have happened on neutral ground. Pleasure? In which case he shouldn't have gone, out of respect for your feelings, rational or not.
I have read all the posts here and have the same niggles the OP. Female intuition is a powerful thing, and usually right. The OP doesn't seem to have form for paranoia.
And the response DH should have given when asked why you don't like her should have been a vague "What, Crap not like you? No idea. We've never talked aout you" as in, you're so inconsequential to our relationship you don't make it on to our chat list.

blueshoes · 23/04/2008 12:47

OP, I am feeling uncomfortable about your DH having lunch in her home. Was it on a weekend? Was there no other place more convenient? Why weren't you invited, seeing that you have already invited her for supper previously?

The fact that your Dh told you probably means he sees it as completely innocent. I think you are fine on that as far as Dh is concerned.

But I would not accept a lunch in someone's home who was of the opposite sex, especially if it was an otherwise empty house, as opposed to say a busy one with children and adults coming and going. It is just too weird.

That is asking for trouble. Setting the stage for a seduction? You should have a few gentle words with your Dh as to how the home lunch invitation came about. Maybe he really does not see it as unusual (AS-like), but it needs pointing out.