...to believe that my DH's female colleague has ulterior motives?

[Icantbelieveitsnotcrap]

Name changed for this one.

I know this may be hard to believe as many men are not, but my DH is a lovely, sweet, shy and innocent man. He was surprised once before when a woman he was in an orchestra with developed a crush on him and he had to let her down gently.

The woman I am probably unreasonably worrying about this unnecessarily has been working with him for about 7 years now. Without wanting to say anything to identify any of us, she is an equal at work, no career climbing thing going on and it's not that kind of environment anyway.

She always seems to be somewhere in his close vicinity when I see them in a big groups (ie when out at restaurants with colleagues, etc, or when I drop into the office at lunchtime...)

I asked my DH about this last night, as he failed to mention that he was playing Scrabulous against her amongst the few other people he is playing that he did reel off (he's only playing about 4 games, and one of them is against me). I happen to know that he is playing this woman because he left himself logged into his scrabulous page on my computer the other day.

I should say that I do not think there is anything untoward going on between them at all.

I just get the very strong feeling that she is ready and waiting should anything go wrong between my DH and me. My DH said last night that she wonders why I am frosty with her. I wondered that might bother her in the slightest since I hardly ever see her, and frosty only inasmuch as I do not want her to be in possession of any more information about our family than she already has.

My DH says that they are just friends, that he does not speak to her about anything personal apart from "why Icantbelieve doesn't like me". He also said that he does not understand why I do not like her.

I want to know if this seems as mad on the outside as it's beginning to feel on the inside, or whether in your collective experience a vague feeling can be more often right than wrong. I have NEVER felt this way about any other person with whom my DH comes in contact- I am really not a serial jealous person.

It's very tricky this one. I remember when I got engaged to DH, his room mate flouncing up to me at a firm Christmas party saying, "Yes, but I'm his work wife," I was amazed and sniggered. But I only sniggered because I didn't feel threatened at all by the silly mare.

Be confident. If your marriage is strong, you don't need to worry about this daft woman.

If you'd rather your DH didn't have lunch with her at her house, then say so. If you'd rather he wasn't so friendly with her, say so but don't rant - choose your words carefully.

I love the kill-her-with-kindness sentiment. In fact, get her over for dinner/lunch whatever a couple of times before the conference. Make sure you are amazingly nice and get her to confide in you. Anything. She'll see you as a friend. And do you know what? Maybe you could be friends?

winky, i think you're of your head, be her friend, behave, she like a bloody cobra waiting to pounce, agree with your forthright approach, say what you want him to do and not do though. I think op dh is just oblivious, women have a radar for a competitor, whereas men dont notice as much as we do, until pointed out.

I think this will work out fine, your dp sounds like a good man, and ow is wasting her time.

This is the most extraordinarily sad thread.

OP, you are OBSESSED by this, it must be exhausting for you AND your husband.

You sound like you have really low self-esteem and a lot of the responses sound like other women do too. I think it would be GREAT if some of you tried to extend your own social / working / leisure lives instead of trying to control other people's. And I mean that in the nicest way. You'd enjoy life a lot more.

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"She is like a bloody cobra waiting to pounce"

I'm amazed you lot don't drive yourselves utterly mad

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I think the suggestion of giving him a blow job in the morning is appalling

Smacks of desperation IMO

Surely blow jobs should be given without ulterior motives in mind otherwise you are only one step removed from a prozzer imo

Sounds like she might be a bit lonely and enjoys your DHs company whilst her love life flounders. Dunno if she is predatory or not. might well facncy him, wno knows? Might be a bit jealous of your relationship. (How long was she with her ex?)

You started the thread convinced there is nothing untoward going on but that this vaugue feeling on unease had been there a long time. Yet, now you are waking him up in the middle of the night to quiz him.

What's changed? Why has your worry quota gone up so highly? It sounds as though your DH really does have no intentions towards this woman so try not to get yourself too wound up. That said, you are right to warn him about behaviours/kindnesses that SHE could misinterpret and he could end up in an uncomfortable situation where everyone gets hurt.

It's always tricky to separate instinct from paranoia but I would go with pointing out to DH that she may be feeling too close to him and so may get hurt - he should try to consciously put some emotional distance there. - Not because you mistrust him but because we know whow women's emotions work!

Failing that - turn up at the conference!

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oh STOP IT cod

it's horrid innit

and why is a blow job supposed to stop men from 'straying' exactly? Surely it would only prevent them from 'straying' for about 15 minutes? I mean by the time they've had their Cornflakes they'd be ready to start drooling over the young ladies on the train on the way to work all over again?

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Oh don't be ridiculous no-one would say "if I give you a blow job will you buy me these shoes"

That is a prostitute
ffs

I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep an eye on a situation like this. Obv this woman is a bit of a troublemaker and I think pointing out her interest in op's dh is a good idea.

If my partner was analysing every interaction between myself and my colleagues I would want to pack a bag and leave.

I agree with cod - if he is going to have an affair - he will. DON'T start phoning him and hounding him at the conference - you'll look like his mad mother. You've made your fears known, you trust him. As I say, you could point out to him that he may not be seeing the whole picture but do not send yourself (or him) insane.

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ok
Cod and MP

If your dh suddently started hiding his phone, staying out late/away, being distant and all the other things men do when thinking of embarking on affairs

would you
(a) think oh well he's a man if he loves me he won't do it so I'll shut ut

or

(b) communicate your fears to him and talk it through

I agree stalking, turning up at confreences/work is mad thogu

i simply don't believie it
will start a thread

Blowjobs for shoes? Can I get that backdated?