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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to believe that my DH's female colleague has ulterior motives?

191 replies

Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 06/03/2008 10:18

Name changed for this one.

I know this may be hard to believe as many men are not, but my DH is a lovely, sweet, shy and innocent man. He was surprised once before when a woman he was in an orchestra with developed a crush on him and he had to let her down gently.

The woman I am probably unreasonably worrying about this unnecessarily has been working with him for about 7 years now. Without wanting to say anything to identify any of us, she is an equal at work, no career climbing thing going on and it's not that kind of environment anyway.

She always seems to be somewhere in his close vicinity when I see them in a big groups (ie when out at restaurants with colleagues, etc, or when I drop into the office at lunchtime...)

I asked my DH about this last night, as he failed to mention that he was playing Scrabulous against her amongst the few other people he is playing that he did reel off (he's only playing about 4 games, and one of them is against me). I happen to know that he is playing this woman because he left himself logged into his scrabulous page on my computer the other day.

I should say that I do not think there is anything untoward going on between them at all.

I just get the very strong feeling that she is ready and waiting should anything go wrong between my DH and me. My DH said last night that she wonders why I am frosty with her. I wondered that might bother her in the slightest since I hardly ever see her, and frosty only inasmuch as I do not want her to be in possession of any more information about our family than she already has.

My DH says that they are just friends, that he does not speak to her about anything personal apart from "why Icantbelieve doesn't like me". He also said that he does not understand why I do not like her.

I want to know if this seems as mad on the outside as it's beginning to feel on the inside, or whether in your collective experience a vague feeling can be more often right than wrong. I have NEVER felt this way about any other person with whom my DH comes in contact- I am really not a serial jealous person.

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 22/04/2008 15:16

Why did he go?

Keep trying his mobile - try the reception in his office too, maybe they can track him down.

He's probably in the loo after the dodgy food she fed him

WinkyWinkola · 22/04/2008 15:19

Have you got hold of him yet? He could have had lunch, gone back to office and in a meeting?

It is odd that she invited him for lunch at her house though. What's wrong with a caff or Pizza Express?

I wouldn't like it or her either. Trust your instincts but trust your husband too.

FluffyMummy123 · 22/04/2008 15:20

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 22/04/2008 15:23

Just tried both again. I'm pretty certain the most likely thing is that he's in a meeting and that I'm freaking out over nothing.

But...but... but, what if she's got him tied to a bed and has crippled him in some way and is keeping his captive? What if she's gone mad and poisoned him?

What indeed is bleeping well wrong with an effing cafe?

I'm trying to call him to tell him arrangements for picking up our children from school this evening have changed. I don't think that's unreasonable Cod.

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 22/04/2008 15:24

I think you have been right all along to have some sort of feeling about this woman being not quite right in her intentions. If it's not in your nature and you aren't jealous of other female colleagues / friends, then trust your gut. Don't freak out. DONT' sstart trying to track your husband down like a demented person. Just keep an eye on things.

Disenchanted · 22/04/2008 15:26

Why did he go?

expatinscotland · 22/04/2008 15:28

7 years?!

she's a fecking stalker.

why the hell would you force youself to 'be nicer' or friendly with someone you don't like?

talk about being manipulative and game-playing.

if she were a he would you feel the same? well, that makes no differece because she isn't a he?

so you don't like her. and she doesn't get that? yeah, right! bullshit. she's playing the 'poor me' card.

and let's see. your 'sweet' husband. he talks to her about how you don't like him? he knows how you feel about her and he doesn't do anything about it?

what's that say about him?

yes, we all have friends of different genders and what not, but if my husband were truly honest with me about the gut feeling he got from one of mine i'd at least do him the courtesy of fecking listening to his concerns and addressing him and not making him out to be some sort of insecure freak.

expatinscotland · 22/04/2008 15:30

and if i went to some bloke's house in a similar situation alone for lunch he'd be furious.

and i wouldn't blame him one bit.

becuase it's disrespectful to your spouse given that they've been upfront about how they feel.

LazyLinePainterJane · 22/04/2008 15:37

you know....he could have said no to lunch.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/04/2008 15:38

She goes to lunch at home with a woman he knows has a crush on him? And he jokes that you will have to come rescue him if she makes a pass?

Of all things insensitive and dumb, your dh takes the cake, doesnt he?

Why did he go?

I would be hopping mad if I were you.

Lunch at home, that is such a cliche, that is where her BED is.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/04/2008 15:39

sorry HE goes to lunch....

expatinscotland · 22/04/2008 15:39

in a nutshell, Lazy. so much for his being 'sweet and shy'.

he admitted he likes her having a crush on him.

that's manipulative.

i think he also, on some level, whether conscious of it or not, enjoys how you feel about it.

otherwise he'd put a stop to it all once and for all.

because as dr phil says, 'people do what works.'

Original poster

Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 22/04/2008 15:40

expat - he is slightly Aspergic I suspect, and often just doesn't "get" subtleties, especially when it comes to seemingly "irrational" feelings.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 22/04/2008 15:41

And why does it bother her that you dont like her? Why does she need to chat to your dh about that?

Why should you like her, she is his colleague!

Up til this point I thought your dh was an innocent party to this, now I am not so sure anymore.

expatinscotland · 22/04/2008 15:41

icant, he gets it enough to know she has a crush on him, admit it to you, AND admit he likes the feeling.

Original poster

Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 22/04/2008 15:43

Quint- I am kind of oscillating between hopping mad and letting him dig himself out of this one himself with a knife and fork if necessary. An actually I believe him incapable of manipulation. He just doesn't believe what I believe because he does not have the evidence for it.

Of course, if I am wrong (bearing in mind I've known the man more than half my life), he will be singing in a different register very soon, I'll make sure of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 22/04/2008 15:44

expat- no, no, he doens't believe she has a crush! it was the 68 yr old neighbour who said that. My husband doesn't believe it at all. I can't have explained it properly, sorry.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 22/04/2008 15:44

Well, he might have the evidence he needs to see it himself today. Lets hope he is sensible with it....

expatinscotland · 22/04/2008 15:47

Well, what gives, Icant, because in another post you wrote:
'He said he does in any way think she is after him. I believe that he believes that. He also acknowledged that he had missed the last time someone had a crush on him.'

And again he told you: 'He said he'd ring me to come and rescue him if she made a pass at him. He joked that he'd hide in the loo with his mobile phone or feign a death in the family or something.'

You asked if you were being unreasonable to question this woman's motives. People told you no. But somehow now you're talking yourself into believing you are unreasonable.

Original poster

Icantbelieveitsnotcrap · 22/04/2008 15:50

Ah- there was an erratum post straight after that one, where I corrected the Freudian typo I'd just left- to "he doesn't".

OP posts:

WillyWonka · 22/04/2008 15:50

It would have to be a really good mutual friend for me to be happy for dh to go for lunch at another woman's house & I'd think it reasonable for him to feel the same. At best, a solo invite for your dh to lunch at her house is odd &, out of respect to you, he should never have accepted.

LazyLinePainterJane · 22/04/2008 16:26

So the two of you are making jokes about the crush she has on him. Fair enough, if there is nothing going on but does he really think it is appropriate to go to lunch alone with her? Surely she is making an offer and he is saying yes in her mind?

bonkers. Agree with expat.

Quattrocento · 22/04/2008 16:41

Altogether too much uptightness on this thread for me

Is it impertinent of me to wonder whether this is a sahm/wohm thing?

I mean I work and I had a lunch with a perfectly charming chap today. I'll have a lunch with a perfectly charming group of people tomorrow. Thursday it's a dinner and another lunch with a different but equally charming man on Monday - and that's just checking my diary forward 7 days

My DH just doesn't bat an eyelid - why would he? The same is true in reverse. I have no idea who he is lunching with in any one week - for sure there will be some solo lunches with women.

The only thing I do know for sure is that he ain't shagging them ...

You worry too much

fieryfiery · 22/04/2008 16:52

I suppose it's different when you feel your husband is a catch.
I wouldn't put up with it for a minute. Tell him you don't like it and he is not to do it again.

WillyWonka · 22/04/2008 17:01

Quattro - so are all of your lunches at these people's homes? Of course many of us will meet people of both sexes for lunch at a restaurant/bar/café, but at their house?

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