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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:

willWillSmithsmith · 02/10/2023 00:26

For heaven’s sake why are you both walking on eggshells around him. I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet and would have said something there and then. How come you didn’t say something as you were reading it (before you even knew whether your dh would want you to or not). You both sound very meek around fil.

Tbry · 02/10/2023 00:28

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:21

It didn't occur to me before that perhaps FiL was taking the piss out of me by asking me to interpret his very straightforward will for him when actually it was his method of communicating to me and DH what was in the will.

You were probably in shock and not knowing how to react. I would probably have been the same, most of us would.

But yes having this done to you in your own home with you reading it means it’s all been made very clear in a really nasty way. It sounds as if it has also highlighted some issues as this is not an ok way for the IL’s to treat you or your husband especially in your own home. And it’s not OK for your husband to not want you to say anything. All of it reads as very controlling. Just sounds like there’s other things also at play.

Pallisers · 02/10/2023 00:31

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:18

Thanks @Tbry it is complex and it sounds like you've come through it? It a control where you feel like a pillow is slowly covering your face (not literally) but the more out of line you get the harder the pillow is pressed until you can't breathe . So you smile and you don't complain and you know areas not to go to or talk about. The other person would have no idea what you're talking about if you told them this. I thought all marriages were like this?

This is why MN is so useful. You can post things here that you would find it hard to share in real life and the responses will give you a different perspective on what is happening to you.

This is not how most marriages are. Certainly not good ones. You shouldn't be avoiding topics, smiling at stuff you think is serious. If what happened to you with FIL happened to me and dh, we might also be shocked enough to say nothing but afterwards we'd be "what the hell just happened there?" Basically the two of us are the unit that matters most in the world. No way would my dh get angry if I expressed anything against his parents (and vice versa). We are respectful (and we both genuinely loved each other's parents) but not being able to criticise when they do something wrong? That isn't good.

I know you say these are lovely normal loving people. But there is something wrong with this family and I think you spend quite a lot of time and headspace trying to pretend there isn't. I think your dh knows it too which is why he can't tolerate criticism about them even from his wife. The way your FIL roped you in to check his will so you'd have to read about your dh being disinherited and his son would have to hear it as a by the way --t hat isn't a normal, loving family. They just tell you they are.

Is your husband going to do the same with his kids? leave everything to one of them? I think that is a question worth asking. Also I'd be tempted to tell him it is funny this arose because your parents recently told you they are leaving you nothing as you are so well settled. See what his reaction to that is.

Tbry · 02/10/2023 00:31

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:25

Thanks @tbry

I'm white British so I guess that's my cultural aspect

As am I but this sounds very unusual. Your own upbringing I presume was not like this? Which means you will realise deep down that something seems skewed?

User3735 · 02/10/2023 00:32

Are you not mentioning something like you are Jehovah's Witnesses or some other religion or culture?

FrogFairy · 02/10/2023 00:32

Does your BIL know the contents of the will?

If I were in his shoes I would vow to split equally with my brother after inheriting.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 02/10/2023 00:33

jlpth · 01/10/2023 22:55

You absolutely must stand up for yourselves. Or things will just happen to you. Because people can. You let them.

You both need to sit down with MIL/FIL and say: look we were too shocked to say anything at the time, but why are you not leaving your stuff equally to your children? If they say it's their business, you say NO it isn't because you asked me to look at it and you knew that would expose the contents to us. So please explain why you would hurt us like this.

You both need to bloody well say it, not pussyfoot around. You sound too nice. This world is full of people who aren't nice and they eat nice people for breakfast.

Agree with this!

felisha54 · 02/10/2023 00:33

I'd assume this is cultural and db is older?

Mountainsnowdrop · 02/10/2023 00:33

Hi EE
I've read the whole thread and it does all seem very strange.
I hope you don't mind me saying, but is it definitely for real?
Not a wind up?
On the other hand, if you are being controlled and in a difficult situation I want to help you.
At first, I thought maybe farming or even Irish links.
There still seems to be gaps in your story.
Are you possibly in a religious sect or cult of some sort?

TheLadyofShalott1 · 02/10/2023 00:34

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:06

@Thebigblueballoon i haven't told anyone IRL. My DH was with me. It was in my house and no discussion about confidentiality just asked to ensure will reflected his intentions

I am trying to understand this correctly but I am quite puzzled @EE1980 I'm sorry if I am just being thick.

You were just asked

"to ensure will reflected his intentions"

So did you just tell your FIL
"Yes, it reflects your intentions"
without asking your FIL any questions to make sure that it does indeed reflect his intentions?* *

Without delving further into your FIL's thought processes when he wrote the Will, how can you possibly know if the Will reflects his intentions correctly?

In your position I would consider myself to be not doing as my FIL requested if I did not say to him something like this after reading the Will:

"So your intention - insert name/FIL/Dad - is to leave everything to - insert BIL's name - ? If you can explain to me why you do not want to leave anything, even something of purely sentimental value, to - insert DH's name - then I will know whether the Will reflects your true intentions or not."

You can say that to him politely, and without it sounding controversial, as you are doing exactly what he has asked you to do. I don't see how your DH could be upset by you fulfilling your FIL's wishes. You do not need to say that your DH is hurt by his dad's Will, just stick to the requested input.

Assuming that your FIL does explain his thinking - including the fact that he is not even going to leave his second son his much loved watch or such like - you and your husband can then discuss whether your DH wants to tell his father of his disappointment and why. If your DH still doesn't want to take it (nicely) any further, then you should respect your husband's wishes on this matter, although you might want to just mention to your husband that there is a chance that after his father dies your DH might start to dwell on it more, and realise that actually he does want to understand what is going on in his father's brain, but by then it will be far too late to ask him.

EE1980, you sound afraid that your husband will verbally abuse you, and maybe even divorce you if you do ask the questions that your FIL has actually asked you to ask him. If this is the case OP, I think that it might be the right time for you to divorce your DH? This is no way to live OP, no way at all. Good luck x

user1492757084 · 02/10/2023 00:34

Anything left to anyone in a Will is a bonus. One should live one's life like they will inherit nothing. Don't worry about it.
Maybe the parents want a family home available for next generations, who knows. It's their choice.

Hankunamatata · 02/10/2023 00:34

It's common in place I live especially farming families or large plots of land. One family left to eldest grandson as they had all daughters.
I don't get it but talking to older generation they say that's just hownits done.

PastelLilac · 02/10/2023 00:35

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:25

Thanks @tbry

I'm white British so I guess that's my cultural aspect

Is your husband also white British? I ask this because I'm mixed race. My non-White family are from a culture where one son is favoured over the rest of the children.

User3735 · 02/10/2023 00:37

It a control where you feel like a pillow is slowly covering your face (not literally) but the more out of line you get the harder the pillow is pressed until you can't breathe . So you smile and you don't complain and you know areas not to go to or talk about. The other person would have no idea what you're talking about if you told them this. I thought all marriages were like this?

Oh come on OP. You've lost me now. No you didn't.

Landladyissues · 02/10/2023 00:37

About contesting if someone is left out - are you sure. I thought you were able to contest if someone with a reasonable expectation (son) had been overlooked - but by showing you the will, it looks as if his decision is quite deliberate. I wonder if he is saying quite deliberately that you don't stand to get anything when he dies. Is it you he's trying to hurt?

PandaExpress · 02/10/2023 00:38

I can't believe what I'm reading here. This is bizarre! Not the fil and will business- It's obvious that he expected DH to ask why he wasn't included, it's your attitude I'm finding strange. Why aren't you allowed to talk about it with DH? That's not normal. I was surprised when you said you're white British, the way you say 'Where I am' I thought this was a cultural thing. There's no part of white British culture, where this wouldn't be talked about.

Original poster

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:38

Thanks @Tbry and @Pallisers this has been really helpful. That I'm not mad and irrational. You're right about Mumsnet helping you get a different perspective. This isn't normal. And I'm not mad for asking or thinking that.

@Pallisers your relationship with your DH sounds great - to be a unit. I'd love that. I think at best we're lodgers who share bills who happen to have kids together but with the added pressure of having to act a certain way to keep up appearances. There's no unit here. He doesn't have my back and hasn't for a long time of ever.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 00:40

PandaExpress · 02/10/2023 00:38

I’ve been mulling over that element.

There are white cultures that operate differently to the norm. Traveller culture, for example.

WomanHereHear · 02/10/2023 00:41

You don’t sound white British are you saying that so you’re not outed or stereotyped. I’m south Asian and even I don’t know many British born south Asian women who would think this is normal so I find it odd you’re saying this now and then saying you thought everyone’s marriage is like this. Bollocks sorry.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 02/10/2023 00:41

@Oblomov23 have you been on the sherry? in OP's second post she says:

My husband was next to me and he just stayed silent.

So I don't know why you keep saying she hadn't told her husband or made it clear he knew. It's right there in her second post.

WomanHereHear · 02/10/2023 00:41

SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 00:40

I’ve been mulling over that element.

There are white cultures that operate differently to the norm. Traveller culture, for example.

Show quote history

Do travellers call themselves white British? Genuine question

Original poster

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:42

@User3735 form my experience of Mumsnet very few people on here seem to have healthy marriages where their DH is their best friend and they have lots in common and share childcare and householder chores 50/50. So I didn't think it was absurd that to keep the peace there were things you don't talk about

OP posts:

Isthisreasonable · 02/10/2023 00:42

Assuming you are JW (or similar religion) and that is why you are away from your family and can't face being ostracised. Is FIL expecting that your inheritance from your family will balance out what your BIL will inherit?

Whatever your FILs intentions this is a very unhealthy situation you are in. No one has any regard for you and you'd be well advised to really consider if this is the best life for you. Would they insist on your dc remaining with them if you got out? Talk to women's aid.

Original poster

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:43

I don't want to out myself but I'm white british. Not traveller.

OP posts:

Tippexy · 02/10/2023 00:43

User3735 · 02/10/2023 00:32

Are you not mentioning something like you are Jehovah's Witnesses or some other religion or culture?

Yep, a fishing thread.

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