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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:
Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:44

No not JV. Not fishing thread I'm British white Christian not from a cult or minority

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 02/10/2023 00:45

I would be furious at FIL. He used you to inform his son of his intentions in an underhand way.

I would be tempted to go round without DH and tell him that I considered his behaviour - using me like that - to be despicable and that if he’d wanted to tell his son that he he favoured his brother he should have had the guts to do it himself. Things might blow up but I really would not be prepared to be treated like that and not say something (I probably wouldn’t marry someone who would be fine with their parents acting that way either, though, so it’s not necessarily a recommendation that you do the same).

PandaExpress · 02/10/2023 00:45

SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 00:40

I’ve been mulling over that element.

There are white cultures that operate differently to the norm. Traveller culture, for example.

Show quote history

As @Isthisreasonable says, maybe a religion thing. If they have a home to leave, they probably aren't travellers. It says everything that we are trying to work out who these people are, that a wife can't talk to her husband over such a big thing.

bombastix · 02/10/2023 00:46

Well he's done a right number on you both. I guess FIL doesn't like you too much OP.

SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 00:46

WomanHereHear · 02/10/2023 00:41

Do travellers call themselves white British? Genuine question

Show quote history

No, usually they describe themselves as being Traveller, but op very much sounds as though she has married in to a different culture.

shams05 · 02/10/2023 00:46

It's a cowardly act by both your mil and fil to get you to read the will Infront of your dh. Neither wants the other to deal with the hassle and shame and embarrassment when one of them passes away so made sure you and dh already knows.
They know your dh won't rock the boat, wouldhe ever consider challenging it after his dad's passing? Could he?

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:48

@shams05 he wouldn't challenge it. He's already got my inheritance planned on a camper van. So we're not talking six figures here just a normal family.

OP posts:
Mountainsnowdrop · 02/10/2023 00:48

Royalty?!

Tbry · 02/10/2023 00:48

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:38

Thanks @Tbry and @Pallisers this has been really helpful. That I'm not mad and irrational. You're right about Mumsnet helping you get a different perspective. This isn't normal. And I'm not mad for asking or thinking that.

@Pallisers your relationship with your DH sounds great - to be a unit. I'd love that. I think at best we're lodgers who share bills who happen to have kids together but with the added pressure of having to act a certain way to keep up appearances. There's no unit here. He doesn't have my back and hasn't for a long time of ever.

That’s very sad to hear your partner/husband/wife should be your friend and the person there to get you through all the highs and lows in life. You are a team. Myself and my partner have very very difficult family setups and at times we may snap at each other from the pressure but we are always there for each other to get the other one through the really bad parts and to confide in.

Both of you sound trapped, you should both be enjoying life and not having to act a certain way. It’s possible both of you would be a lot happier living separately which in turn would mean your children would be happier.

You should ask yourself would you want your children to have to live like this when they grow up? Or what advice would you give a best friend or sister living like this?

And btw it does not matter what culture you are or aren’t from or your husband and family are or aren’t from. What matters is how you are being treated.

SequentialAnalyst · 02/10/2023 00:51

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:42

@User3735 form my experience of Mumsnet very few people on here seem to have healthy marriages where their DH is their best friend and they have lots in common and share childcare and householder chores 50/50. So I didn't think it was absurd that to keep the peace there were things you don't talk about

What you have read are posts from unhappy people in unhealthy marriages who are asking for help on MN.

I was one of them. I understand how this completely fucks up your thinking - spaghetti head, we used to call it on the long running Emotional Abuse Support Thread in Relationships. It takes time to unravel your mind. It is a rare person who understands this without having gone through it themselves.

We all supported each other. It is because of MN that I was finally able to see how messed up my marriage was, and because of MN that I managed to divorce Ex and find freedom and happiness.

By that time I was 59. Don't wait that long, I beg you. Take some time to process what the people on this thread have told you. Let your mind find reality again. Trust your own truth, and your own process. But don't wait too long to start to formulate a plan of action BrewBrew

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:51

Thanks @Tbry what you describe is always what I hoped to have but somewhere along the way it seems that that expectation or hope seems to have gotten lost or forgotten

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
PandaExpress · 02/10/2023 00:54

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:48

@shams05 he wouldn't challenge it. He's already got my inheritance planned on a camper van. So we're not talking six figures here just a normal family.

Don't let him anywhere near your inheritance! Say its going into an investment plan for your retirement. I'd tell him that tomorrow, actually! You've read about terrible relationships on here, because it's the people struggling most in life who shout out for help. The rest of us who are in relationships are happily plodding along. My DH and I talk about everything. Nothing is a taboo subject. That's what a normal, healthy marriage looks like.

Gagaandgag · 02/10/2023 00:55

Hope coming on here has helped you Op, you haven’t wasted anyone’s time. You aren’t alone x

Tbry · 02/10/2023 00:56

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:48

@shams05 he wouldn't challenge it. He's already got my inheritance planned on a camper van. So we're not talking six figures here just a normal family.

That’s truly awful. Your inheritance should be yours. For you to do as you please with, especially if you have children, it would not be your husbands.

If my partner ever said anything like that to me, even joking, we would split up.

I was fortunate to inherit a very small amount from a relation a long time ago (well not fortunate as I lost my wonderful family member). But that was entirely my money and I have spent/saved/invested it as I have seen fit. My partner had no say.

AndWordsWhen · 02/10/2023 00:56

My dad let me know that everything was going to my older brother, leaving us 2 younger siblings nothing. My theory is he was 1) trying to get to us to react and ask him to change it, and 2) trying to get us to fall or with our older brother. He achieved neither.

Either way, the only reason for your FIL telling you was so that he could get a kick out of the power play. He'd miss all the fun if you didn't find out until after he'd gone.

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:57

Thanks @SequentialAnalyst glad you got out. Your post made sense. When you don't have any esteem it's easy to be controlled and to think you're the problem. How could you not be the problem and the maker of problems. So when your Fill takes the piss out of you and makes you read their will then you don't speak up.

OP posts:
WanderinStar · 02/10/2023 00:58

It's strange to see that you're as compliant and passive with your husband as he is with his family.

SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 01:01

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:48

@shams05 he wouldn't challenge it. He's already got my inheritance planned on a camper van. So we're not talking six figures here just a normal family.

That is not for him to plan.

How dare he!

Quite frankly I would ask your parents to alter their will very specifically so only you can inherit that money.

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 01:01

Good observation @WanderinStar

He is very compliant to them but definitely not with me (not saying he should be) but he's a different character with them - John boy from the Waltons and yet with me he doesn't give an inch.

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 02/10/2023 01:02

So when your Fill takes the piss out of you and makes you read their will then you don't speak up.

Exactly so. This is a text book case of a mind-fuck strategy. No normal person would do as your FIL did. Hence you being struck silent by bewilderment. And not for the first time by a long chalk, I'll warrant...

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 01:03

Thanks again everyone I've really appreciated your time this evening. I didn't expect to gain the insight and lovely advice that I have. Thanks so much. I'm going to try to sleep now. Things are starting to appear a bit different.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 02/10/2023 01:04

Take care op, I hope you’re ok and will be back posting, if not on this thread, then others 😊

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2023 01:04

British, white, christian, not minority, not gentry, not farming and yet it's cultural to leave estate to eldest son only. Chinese?

Cailleachian · 02/10/2023 01:05

Hmmm....you say he is close to his parents, but that you and he are distanced.

I wonder if the will that your FIL gave you was only for show. That the real will does provide for your husband, however he wants you to believe that he will not inherit and your husband is aware of the deception and intends to hide the assets.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 02/10/2023 01:05

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:42

@User3735 form my experience of Mumsnet very few people on here seem to have healthy marriages where their DH is their best friend and they have lots in common and share childcare and householder chores 50/50. So I didn't think it was absurd that to keep the peace there were things you don't talk about

Well it's not rocket science to work out the the happy people in strong respectful marriages aren't the ones posting on the relationships or AIBU board asking for help, views or to vent. We hear all about the bad side of marriage here but that doesn't mean it's the norm, the standard or what you should be prepared to put up with.

Lots of us are here with life experience to try to help others see the light and save them from some of the horrors we or people we love have been through with vile, abusive and controlling men.