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Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 01/10/2023 23:57

OP this is clearly more than about the will.

Feel free to vent about it here if you'd like. Plenty of women here to listen.Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2023 23:58

Could you speak to FIL separately and say "I know you asked me to check the will in front of DH to check your intentions were clear, but why did you actually want me to check it? Was it so DH would know in advance he was excluded so it was less of a shock at your death? I'm just trying to be clear what role you used me for"

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2023 00:00

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:38

@anon12345anon because my DH would divorce me.

Because the wider family would hate me. Isolate and ostracise me. So that's why I can't ask.

Honestly if your marriage is that fragile, perhaps get out now and divorce before you inherit from your own parents as you seem clear he's keen to get his hands on their money

Nanaof1 · 02/10/2023 00:02

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:25

@BarbieKew it's all those things. Again - DH happy to take money from my parents and for me to know my parents are splitting everything equally and we're open with each-other about everything but I think he thinks his family are better than mine.

He treats you like crap, you have very little "value" in the family and you are staying, why?
He doesn't even really value your parents, except to take their generosity for granted.

I don't understand why some women (or men) take this kind of treatment.

GrannypantsMagee · 02/10/2023 00:03

Oh god. They sound like an absolute nightmare family. It's not about who gets what in the will, although that's pretty weird it's their call. Just the situation you describe. So many levels of weirdness and manipulation. Look after yourself and keep your boundaries strong

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 02/10/2023 00:04

The same thing happened to FiL. That's the odd thing also. Almost everything was left to one of his brothers and he doesn't get on with that brother at all and it obviously relates to that. So it seems odd and perhaps (and because I can't talk about this irl he isn't aware) but he's doing exactly the same thing in his own family.

Is it some kind of mad belief whereby he thinks it's the traditional done thing to leave your family with a legacy of bitterness and disharmony when you die?

Does he not understand that most families split everything equally between their children and leave them just as happy and close as they always were, albeit all grieving their deceased loved one together?

I also don't get why, if he wants to keep his house 'in the family' - i.e. owned by a member of the family, but basically a stranger's home - he wouldn't give anything at all to his other son? Not even a favourite watch or something else sentimental?

user1492757084 · 02/10/2023 00:07

It's not unusual for people to follow that type of will. Especially wealthy people or people with farming land where they want to protect an asset that has taken generations to build up.
Often a family educates all of the children well, helps all the kids as much as they can without selling assets and leaves a Will that is not necessarily equal - sometimes with generous donations to charity.
Also there might be financial interactions between the oldest child and the parents of which you are not aware. Did he give them a loan against their home? Did the previous generation leave assets with specifications as to the oldest child etc. etc.

Tbry · 02/10/2023 00:07

If you are new there is a stately homes thread for people with a variety of family related problems. I have just started posting in there after many years of reading as a bit of a support. Many people are LC or NC with their families or in-laws. So that might be a help.

I presume there may be a similar thread on here, someone else maybe able to advise (ladies is there?) for people realising they are in a coercive or abusive relationship. I have also sadly been in that situation many decades ago without any support or anyone to turn to. There are all sorts of forms of abuse and it is very hard to realise that is what is happening when it is you it is happening too.

Terrribletwos · 02/10/2023 00:08

You say you are controlled. In what way exactly?

SequentialAnalyst · 02/10/2023 00:09

You seem to be enmeshed with a toxic family.
Please get out. MN will help you. Do not show this thread to anyone. Especially not your husband.

Tbry · 02/10/2023 00:09

Nanaof1 · 02/10/2023 00:02

He treats you like crap, you have very little "value" in the family and you are staying, why?
He doesn't even really value your parents, except to take their generosity for granted.

I don't understand why some women (or men) take this kind of treatment.

Show quote history

It can be far more complex than that….somehow not sure how I am a survivor of DA and many other things. I don’t even know how I was ever in that situation but one day you just find yourself there and there is no way out of it.

Jap26 · 02/10/2023 00:09

Is it possible Fil was coerced into writing this will and it was a strange way of asking for help?

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:13

It's a not a well off family. Certainly not some landed gentry by any means.

No coercion at all

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 02/10/2023 00:16

Will you and your husband be expected to provide care for his parents?

Are you committed to your husband? He doesn't sound very nice to me.

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:18

Thanks @Tbry it is complex and it sounds like you've come through it? It a control where you feel like a pillow is slowly covering your face (not literally) but the more out of line you get the harder the pillow is pressed until you can't breathe . So you smile and you don't complain and you know areas not to go to or talk about. The other person would have no idea what you're talking about if you told them this. I thought all marriages were like this?

OP posts:
Grumpusaurus · 02/10/2023 00:18

Well, he is entitled to do what he wants with his belongings, so is MIL. I sure hope they do not expect you to help care for them when they get older. They can use their assets or have the brother getting the inheritance do that.

PastelLilac · 02/10/2023 00:18

It's not about whether you need the money. It's the fact this man went to his son's house so his son could overhear that he means nothing to him. I'd honestly go NC if one of my parents favoured one of my siblings in their will. Your Fil was cruel for rubbing it in your DH's face like that. Your DH has to say something and you need to stop helping your Fil and be honest about why.

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:19

@OhComeOnFFS there's been no discussion on that. X who is inheriting everything doesn't live nearby and is a genuinely lovely person.

OP posts:
Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:21

It didn't occur to me before that perhaps FiL was taking the piss out of me by asking me to interpret his very straightforward will for him when actually it was his method of communicating to me and DH what was in the will.

OP posts:
EachandEveryone · 02/10/2023 00:22

You say you are in the UK but, is there a cultural aspect to this?

Tbry · 02/10/2023 00:23

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:18

Thanks @Tbry it is complex and it sounds like you've come through it? It a control where you feel like a pillow is slowly covering your face (not literally) but the more out of line you get the harder the pillow is pressed until you can't breathe . So you smile and you don't complain and you know areas not to go to or talk about. The other person would have no idea what you're talking about if you told them this. I thought all marriages were like this?

I was very very young at the time. Now I am definitely not so young and in a healthier relationship and no I don’t think that’s how marriages are. All relationships have ups and downs as life is very complicated. You need to be able to be yourself and say how you feel not have to keep it all in and smile and people please. Just to let you know you count too 💐

Wingedharpy · 02/10/2023 00:23

EachandEveryone · 02/10/2023 00:22

You say you are in the UK but, is there a cultural aspect to this?

I was about to ask that very question.

PastelLilac · 02/10/2023 00:23

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:12

@Aquamarine1029 I know. However I would be ostracised and isolated if I did. Perhaps DH would even divorce me. Painted as greedy and grabby. I'm controlled. I can't say anything in these circumstances hence I'm telling Mumsnet.

What do you mean by 'controlled'? By your husband? Stop helping out the parents in laws. They probably get some kind of kick out of your husband knowing that he means nothing to them.

What do you mean by ostracised and isolated? Do you have family and friends that would support you?

Original poster
EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:25

Thanks @tbry

I'm white British so I guess that's my cultural aspect

OP posts:
WomanHereHear · 02/10/2023 00:26

Sounds cultural. But no excuse to make you feel this way. You live in the U.K. you aren’t trapped. Have you told your own family? What would they say? Maybe call women’s aid.