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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:
WhistPie · 01/10/2023 23:40

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:38

@anon12345anon because my DH would divorce me.

Because the wider family would hate me. Isolate and ostracise me. So that's why I can't ask.

That sounds like a positive result

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2023 23:41

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:38

@anon12345anon because my DH would divorce me.

Because the wider family would hate me. Isolate and ostracise me. So that's why I can't ask.

Your husband divorcing you would be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

How you're this wet and brainwashed is beyond me. You act like you have zero agency in your own life. The regrets you will have later in your life are going to be absolutely crushing.

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:41

@SemperIdem parents come first where I am. You don't upset the parents however valid your concerns or criticisms

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 01/10/2023 23:41

You're really close but you can't ask why your FIL has left nothing to your husband in his will? That doesn't sound really close tbh.

Why don't you ask your FIL why he asked you specifically to review his will..if you're so close?

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 23:42

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:37

Sorry yes @SemperIdem

I can't mention this irl to anyone.

I can't comment on it or refer to it on passing so I just needed to say it here - that it was odd.

I'm hurt for my DH

I'm angry I can't say to FIL that I think he could've handled this differently

I'm angry DH has no balls with his DF to say he is hurt but has balls to challenge me and so it's a no go area.

I'm angry and I can't tell anyone in irl.

Sorry if I've wasted anyones time here.

I get it. The need to say it somewhere.

I don’t understand why you can’t anyone in real life, because I am not in your situation, but I am a bit worried for you, in all honesty.

LuluBlakey1 · 01/10/2023 23:42

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:06

@Thebigblueballoon i haven't told anyone IRL. My DH was with me. It was in my house and no discussion about confidentiality just asked to ensure will reflected his intentions

It was an opportunity to say to him 'So is this your intention- that BIL is left everything and nothing is left to DH- because that is what it says?' If he said 'Yes' then it's clear that he hasn't got it wrong and that's what he wants. You could just have said 'I had no idea. I am quite shocked by that.'

Bellyblueboy · 01/10/2023 23:43

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:41

@SemperIdem parents come first where I am. You don't upset the parents however valid your concerns or criticisms

You said you are in the UK. Can you contact women’s aid for help?

fo you have children? Can you leave?

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:43

@Aquamarine1029 true but I dont live anywhere near my family I live near his family. I have kids. I'm isolated and exposed where I am so I don't rock the boat. I can't afford to. The alternative is being alone with no help far away from family.

OP posts:
anon12345anon · 01/10/2023 23:44

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:38

@anon12345anon because my DH would divorce me.

Because the wider family would hate me. Isolate and ostracise me. So that's why I can't ask.

In that case op, I genuinely feel for you. It sounds like a very unhealthy family set up, and as another person said, ensure you look after yourself and make sure you put yourself first financially.

Also, I have to say it, but would it be that bad if your husband did divorce you?
A marriage should be a partnership, and a shared loving relationship - if you can't talk to him about things like this, well, it's not right......

Flowers for you xx

ThinWomansBrain · 01/10/2023 23:45

He obviously wanted you both to know.

I'm not saying you'd provide care/assistance as they get older for the future inheritance benefits - but this would make me leave it all down to the older brother should it become needed - or they can pay for care so that there will be sod all left.

Bellyblueboy · 01/10/2023 23:45

Being alone isn’t the worst thing in the world.

please speak to someone - Thai sounds like a horrible controlling family. Your husband sounds very controlled by them.

is this how you want your children to grown up? Seeing their parents too scared to speak infront of their grandparents

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:46

Thanks @anon12345anon it means a lot just to be heard.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 01/10/2023 23:46

Bellyblueboy · 01/10/2023 22:24

This is unspeakably cruel. He wants his son to know he hasn’t left him anything - wants to enjoy the impact while he is alive.

he has created this drama and is now sitting back and enjoying it.

awful man

Agree. Really quite sick.

Tbry · 01/10/2023 23:47

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:37

Sorry yes @SemperIdem

I can't mention this irl to anyone.

I can't comment on it or refer to it on passing so I just needed to say it here - that it was odd.

I'm hurt for my DH

I'm angry I can't say to FIL that I think he could've handled this differently

I'm angry DH has no balls with his DF to say he is hurt but has balls to challenge me and so it's a no go area.

I'm angry and I can't tell anyone in irl.

Sorry if I've wasted anyones time here.

But you should be able to do all of those things.

Geppili · 01/10/2023 23:47

Jesus! A cruel narcissist who is scapegoating your DH and maybe unsure of his paternity? Horrible, just, horrible. I would have freaked out in defence of my DH.

Tbry · 01/10/2023 23:48

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:41

@SemperIdem parents come first where I am. You don't upset the parents however valid your concerns or criticisms

This really does not read as in you live in England?

pizzaHeart · 01/10/2023 23:48

I think it’s not about the money in reality, his will shows his real feelings towards his children. He doesn’t put them equally, that would be my problem.
I understand when parents put some special provision for a disabled child or when one of the children does actual caring later in life and receives more but that’s about it. It’s not about sense of entitlement, it’s about fairness. My parents can spend all their money on whatever they want, I don’t care but if they favour my sibling in their will without no reason of course it will be upsetting. And it will affect my relationship with this sibling for the worse.
It’s a pity you didn’t question the will OP but you probably were a bit shocked. You have to talk to your DH about it, it’s not the way to live - keeping himself bottled up all the time.

givemeasunnyday · 01/10/2023 23:49

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 23:38

Most parents would not want their last act to be one that would leave their bereaved child confused and hurt.

I don’t care if my parents spend all their money having a great time in their retirement years, good on them quite frankly.

I would however be massively hurt if they left everything to my sibling, and nothing, even sentimental things, to me at all.

Show quote history

I agree with this. I also wouldn't care if my parents spent all their money, but to leave a child out of their will for no good reason is just downright horrible.

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:50

Thanks all.

The same thing happened to FiL. That's the odd thing also. Almost everything was left to one of his brothers and he doesn't get on with that brother at all and it obviously relates to that. So it seems odd and perhaps (and because I can't talk about this irl he isn't aware) but he's doing exactly the same thing in his own family.

OP posts:
Tbry · 01/10/2023 23:50

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:43

@Aquamarine1029 true but I dont live anywhere near my family I live near his family. I have kids. I'm isolated and exposed where I am so I don't rock the boat. I can't afford to. The alternative is being alone with no help far away from family.

There are many women’s charities you can contact for help. This sounds very abusive and you should not have to live your life being controlled. I feel very worried about you.

Original poster
EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:51

Thanks @Tbry

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 01/10/2023 23:55

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:41

@SemperIdem parents come first where I am. You don't upset the parents however valid your concerns or criticisms

It sounds like some sort of religious sect. Maybe instead of posting about FIL’s will you have to think hard about your own situation @EE1980.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2023 23:55

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:25

@BarbieKew it's all those things. Again - DH happy to take money from my parents and for me to know my parents are splitting everything equally and we're open with each-other about everything but I think he thinks his family are better than mine.

Warm this room a twist.
From FIL had cut DH from the will, aibu to be upset to DH wants to take my family for what he can get yet thinks we're all beneath him.

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 23:56

@EE1980

I know you posted for a specific reason, but I think it would be worth you staying on MN to get wider perspective and support.

Tbry · 01/10/2023 23:57

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:50

Thanks all.

The same thing happened to FiL. That's the odd thing also. Almost everything was left to one of his brothers and he doesn't get on with that brother at all and it obviously relates to that. So it seems odd and perhaps (and because I can't talk about this irl he isn't aware) but he's doing exactly the same thing in his own family.

This may actually be relevant. Does he regard himself being disinherited as a good thing? If so maybe, not sure why, this is the reason behind it.

As for everything else also mentioned in this thread I really think you should contact some women’s charities or read some of their leaflets. There is a lot of support and help out there as this does not sound like a healthy situation for you or your children to live in. 💐

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