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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 02/10/2023 07:54

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:42

@User3735 form my experience of Mumsnet very few people on here seem to have healthy marriages where their DH is their best friend and they have lots in common and share childcare and householder chores 50/50. So I didn't think it was absurd that to keep the peace there were things you don't talk about

But how would you know that the contents of a will was something that wasn’t talked about? Is there a list of taboo topics or something you have pinned on a wall? Not being flippant but I’m trying to work out what are the subjects within a marriage that can’t be talked about.

Applelogo · 02/10/2023 07:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AgnesX · 02/10/2023 07:58

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:21

Wasn't my place. I mean it's his money and assets to give away as he wants and it reflects his interns. Just a bit odd he asked me to review it. It wasn't a complex will so pretty easy to understand. My husband was next to me and he just stayed silent. We're not crabby but just felt a bit odd.

Of course it was your place. It was your place the minute you read the thing.

How unfair of your PILs. I would suggest asking at some convenient point. Not in an accusing way just in a puzzled fashion.

efeslight · 02/10/2023 08:01

When I first started reading the thread, I thought that FIL was being pressured to write the will and wanted to prompt a conversation or ask for support to change it.
However the suggestion from a PP that it is a fake will designed to hide OP's husband's inheritance from the OP makes sense as more info was given.
OP, I would protect your own money and inheritance as your husband sounds extremely difficult and controlling.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 02/10/2023 08:01

I’d be thinking by FIL asking you to do this, it’s some sick, twisted way of him telling you both (but his son) that he’s left out of will, so power play.

He could easily take his will to a solicitor and for a fee they’d check it over and advise him if he asked them to.

It’s very manipulative what FIL is doing here, especially as your DH is said to be his favourite son.

bridgetreilly · 02/10/2023 08:03

But you were already talking about money. FIL brought it up by showing you his will. Of course you should have said something then. But you can still say it now: ‘We were just wondering if there’s a reason you’ve left all your money to X?’

VisaWoes · 02/10/2023 08:06

He 1000% wanted you to know the content of his will. You specifically rather than your dh. Or he'd have asked dh to check it. And yes, why would he need either of you to check it if a lawyer has drawn it up?

So either the will is real and he wants to make sure that you (and also your dh) know the content. Or the will is a crock of shit and he wants you to think you're not inheriting.

Dogfureverywhere · 02/10/2023 08:07

So your FIL has left everything to your BIL, not your MIL? Have they got mirror wills?
You say that 'D'H thinks his family are better than yours. Maybe its FIL's way of finding out if you're a "golddigger" and by him not leaving his son any money he thinks you'll leave him -which by the sounds of it you should plan for and consider anyway?

I'd be putting any inheritance from your side of the family in an account only you can access so your DH can't access it. You may need it for your own future.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 02/10/2023 08:10

I missed this a bit as it’s hidden in the thread though other posters did mention it, if you’re in a controlling marriage then your views are skewed a bit. It sounds like both your DH and his father (your FIL) are controlling.

You are not in a happy marriage and should probably consider separating and then divorce but it sounds like you’re not going to do that (generational thing?) so what more can be said really?

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 08:10

OP, I can't for the life of me understand why FIL would do something like this if the relationship is as good as you say it is.

Cutting one child out of your will is one thing, but to effectively inform them that you have cut them out of your will by asking their spouse to "review" the will in your presence, when there has been no falling out, strikes me as deliberately cruel. Even if this isn't your FIL's final intention and he is just testing your husband somehow to see how he reacts, it's twisted.

It's strange that you say your husband thinks his family is better than yours when his father has done this. I suspect there is a lot more to this than meets the eye, some sort of old quarrel for which your husband is still being punished, and which he has never told you about because he is ashamed, or because he is all about keeping up appearances.

If your husband is hurt and does not understand why FIL has done this, he would be well within his rights to tell FIL how he feels. But as many others have said, no one has the right to inherit anything, and FIL can leave his estate to whomever he likes. You and your husband might want to bear this in mind when deciding how much help and support you are willing to give your PIL in the coming years. I'm not saying that we should only care for our parents in the hope of one day inheriting something, but if there is potentially something to inherit I would take a very dim view of a parent who, years before the event, informed me that I was being cut out of the will for no apparent reason.

But this is your husband's family, not yours. So all you can really do is keep your own counsel.

tanstaafl · 02/10/2023 08:20

Haven’t read over 300+ replies so this may have been said already.

Is that you Meghan?

Milliondollars · 02/10/2023 08:21

What’s your theory on what is happening here and fil’s motives op?

TheGander · 02/10/2023 08:25

Something isn’t adding up here. No issues, lovely family yet one son is being disinherited. I sometimes think the Scottish/ french system where you can’t disinherit your kids ( unless for good reason) has its advantages. My uncle has just disinherited his daughters in favour of their stepmother, does not seem right to me.

TheGander · 02/10/2023 08:25

tanstaafl · 02/10/2023 08:20

Haven’t read over 300+ replies so this may have been said already.

Is that you Meghan?

😆

Dibbydoos · 02/10/2023 08:28

Hi did this purposefully so your DH would know.

I hate that old school 'leave it to the eldest son' shit.

I'm so sorry x

Palmasailor · 02/10/2023 08:30

What part EXACTLY are you supposed to have “checked”

what he was doing with the money / estate / or whether it had been drawn correctly?

if he saw a probate lawyer then it was probably drawn correctly.

so I’ll say again, and you need to say to him “which part of this am I ‘checking’”

you also have to ask what his intentions are otherwise you can’t “check” anything.

he’s either :

  1. A miserable scheming old bastard

  2. Being put under pressure by the other brother and needed help

  3. Lost his marbles and doesn’t have the agency to make a will.

Im astonished you sat there like a pair of mutes and didn’t even have the wit to ask him if this was what he actually wanted.

I mean he asked you to check it, what on earth did you say?

seriously what did you say? “Looks fine to me” or what? Did you actually say anything?

Rainbowraisin · 02/10/2023 08:33

Op, it sounds as if you are being abused by this family. From what you say your DH isn't particularly nice to you either. Think carefully about that, and think about how you want the rest of your life to be. You have some independent means, is it worth just taking a quiet trip into town one day to get some legal advice about what would happen if you divorced?

Rainbowraisin · 02/10/2023 08:40

Imagine moving closer to your family. To be with people you are comfortable with, to be in a situation where you are not frightened to speak up and ask perfectly normal questions. If you didn't feel you could pipe up and say something simple and unconfrontational after being asked to read this will there is something very wrong.
'FIL, I've checked and it says that you are leaving all of your estate to x. Is that right? If it is then I'd say it's worded fine.'

Igneococcus · 02/10/2023 08:41

It doesn't sound like a close and loving family, it sounds like a suffocating one.

butterpuffed · 02/10/2023 08:43

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:21

It didn't occur to me before that perhaps FiL was taking the piss out of me by asking me to interpret his very straightforward will for him when actually it was his method of communicating to me and DH what was in the will.

I don't think he was taking the piss due to what you've said about his character , he was letting you know [unfair will] before the time comes .

PostOpOp · 02/10/2023 08:43

tanstaafl · 02/10/2023 08:20

Haven’t read over 300+ replies so this may have been said already.

Is that you Meghan?

😂😂 Brilliant!

StarlightGin · 02/10/2023 08:46

Mummy08m · 01/10/2023 22:19

Seems like this was his awkward way of ensuring your dh would find out...?

This, surely? If you have no legal training there couldn't be any other purpose to having you have a sneak preview, so to speak.

Jibo · 02/10/2023 08:47

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:06

@Thebigblueballoon i haven't told anyone IRL. My DH was with me. It was in my house and no discussion about confidentiality just asked to ensure will reflected his intentions

So did FIL also share his intentions with you verbally? Or do you now have to go back to him and say I don't think this will can reflect your intentions as it doesn't mention DH?

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 02/10/2023 08:48

I think that your FIL must have wanted either you or DH to ask why their wills are made in this way. Either that or he's doing a King Lear (it's some sort of arcane test to see which one of you asks why he's cut them out and therefore Only Loves Him For His Money)

AgentJohnson · 02/10/2023 08:51

I’m calling bs on the close loving family narrative. The fact you can’t even discuss it with your H, says all you need to know about his weid family dynamic impacting on your relationship. Your FIL was calculating when he asked for your ‘help’, he didn’t, he just used you to inform his son he was disinherited.

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