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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:
rileynexttime · 02/10/2023 06:10

Could the Fil have hoped to prompt a conversation between his excluded son and the son that benefits?
To avoid a repeat of his own estrangement from his brother ??

rileynexttime · 02/10/2023 06:11

@EE1980 and absolutely make sure any inheritance from your family is not available to your husband.

Princessfluffy · 02/10/2023 06:12

Loving fathers do not behave like this.

Dery · 02/10/2023 06:32

@EE1980 - not read the full thread but no, there is nothing normal about this.

You say: “It a control where you feel like a pillow is slowly covering your face (not literally) but the more out of line you get the harder the pillow is pressed until you can't breathe . So you smile and you don't complain and you know areas not to go to or talk about. The other person would have no idea what you're talking about if you told them this. I thought all marriages were like this?”

All marriages are not like this. If you think this is normal, I wonder whether it’s the same in your parents’ marriage. What you describe is hideous. It’s the boiled frog syndrome. Your husband would know. He sounds skilled in this. And happy to take your parents’ money. That is significant.

Marriages are supposed to be equal partnerships where each partner gets an equal say. Your DH’s family is not lovely. Have you seen the Stepford Wives? That’s what this sounds like.

Your description makes me think you’re being physically abused. You’re certainly being emotionally terrorised if you feel unable to speak up.

The will thing sounds nasty.

Please stay here and post all you like.

WanderinStar · 02/10/2023 06:34

I think you should find something to buy with your future inheritance and explain to your dh that you won't be getting his camper. That might focus his mind a little

IncompleteSenten · 02/10/2023 06:39

He wanted you to know.
Why is anyone's guess

IncompleteSenten · 02/10/2023 06:45

If I was you I'd talk to my parents and ask them to leave what they were going to leave to you in trust for your children that they can't access until they're 25.

jeaux90 · 02/10/2023 06:45

OP your posts made me sad, you sound resigned and lonely.

You don't have to live like that. Flowers

AliciaLime · 02/10/2023 06:53

Oblomov23 · 01/10/2023 23:10

Oh ok. At least you've told him. You hadn't made that clear before.

"he thinks his dad had got it wrong."

That's very naieve. Of course his dad hasn't got it wrong. 🙄

Yes she had. It’s in her earlier posts.

GnomeDePlume · 02/10/2023 07:03

It sounds like a test but one which you can never pass.

  • speak out and you will be labelled as grabby
  • say nothing then you will be labelled as weak
  • leave your DH then you will be labelled as a thwarted schemer

But this does mean you have nothing to lose.

How old are your DCs? It sounds like you are starting to realise that your marriage is unhappy. What you can do is start to make plans. Where you are now doesn't have to be forever.

Boysnme · 02/10/2023 07:04

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:38

@anon12345anon because my DH would divorce me.

Because the wider family would hate me. Isolate and ostracise me. So that's why I can't ask.

This doesn’t sound like a family I’d want to be part of.

Yes it’s their money to do as they please with but to ask you to read it and then not be able to have an opinion on it is cruel. It sounds like there is a huge back story here with the family. I’d want the divorce.

Gillypie23 · 02/10/2023 07:04

What a mean thing for him to do. I'd definitely have said something. He's a coward.

whatchagonnado · 02/10/2023 07:11

This is awful OP. FIL knew exactly what he was doing. The question is why?
What reaction does he want from his son (your DH)?
What reaction does he want from his other son (who will inherit)?
He's put you in a rotten position.
I can only think he wants to create drama and division between all of you.
It's a very deliberate act and he wanted to see you all flounder with his decision while he was alive.

Incredibly mean

LakieLady · 02/10/2023 07:11

Bellyblueboy · 01/10/2023 22:24

This is unspeakably cruel. He wants his son to know he hasn’t left him anything - wants to enjoy the impact while he is alive.

he has created this drama and is now sitting back and enjoying it.

awful man

My thoughts exactly.

Bloody horrible thing to do.

TheaBrandt · 02/10/2023 07:11

Definitely weird. I work in this area and it’s not in common to cut a child out but there is always a reason. Most common scenarios

  1. left out child is loved but is significantly wealthier. Usually left sentimental items and a letter explaining. Parent feels v sorry for inheritor
  2. left out child has done something awful - stolen from parents / ignored them for years
Beautiful3 · 02/10/2023 07:14

I think he showed you the will, to communicate the updated will with you both. It's harsh and upsetting. I would refuse to offer care in their old age because of it. Husband should talk to his dad about it, so he knows how he feels.

TheaBrandt · 02/10/2023 07:19

It’s common and decent advice to tell family in advance what your plans are so it’s less of a shock on death. Also they are less likely to challenge if they’ve got their heads round the idea (though knowing in advance doesn’t preclude a claim). Agree it’s mean here from opsfacts. Well golden boy can do all the old age care then can’t he?

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/10/2023 07:23

No matter what you say this will change the relationship between your husband and his parents. They know it will have and yet they still did it. This is not a close family it's a cruel family.

2jacqi · 02/10/2023 07:28

well that would be one less christmas and birthday present in my book!! and no more trailing over for visiting in laws either!!!! as a result I have no pictures of me growing up and no school certificates and certainly no reminders of my lovely dad who died many years previously!!!!! I have become very, dont know how to describe it, but hard since the same thing happened to me and my older sister!! myself and younger sister were left a nominal amount and older sis got the house and all the rest of the savings, right down to the last tin of beans in the cupboard!! I felt really undervalued and when my older sis died neither me nor my younger sis went to the funeral because we knew that she had planned this with my mother! for about 35 years I had the feeling that this was probably going to happen because I wasnt the golden child.

Dobbyismostaggrievedsir · 02/10/2023 07:35

Have you spoken to MIL and BIL about what the plan is if FIL predeceases MIL? She will be left homeless and with only the money that is currently in her name won't she? Where will she live? How will she afford to live?

TerfTalking · 02/10/2023 07:39

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:48

@shams05 he wouldn't challenge it. He's already got my inheritance planned on a camper van. So we're not talking six figures here just a normal family.

What am I reading here. This must stop now.

Watchkeys · 02/10/2023 07:44

but I think he thinks his family are better than mine

What makes you say that? It sounds like your relationship with your husband isn't great.

If your FIL is such a lovely bloke, he would have lots of people to ask to check his will, wouldn't he? Didn't you suggest he checked with one of them?

ShitMermaid · 02/10/2023 07:52

It’s bizarre he did this but it’s equally bizarre that you let him.

2jacqi · 02/10/2023 07:52

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:48

@shams05 he wouldn't challenge it. He's already got my inheritance planned on a camper van. So we're not talking six figures here just a normal family.

so if you have a working knowledge of the law then you do know that the inheritance from your parents would be yours and most definitely not his to decide what to do with?? I would certainly not be letting him get his hands on it because, reading some of your responses, he does not really seem like a loving husband who treats you well and has your back!! you may very well need your inheritance to safeguard you future if and when you separate and he can do nothing about it because inheritance does not form part of matrimonial assets!

PearlClutzsche · 02/10/2023 07:52

What a horrible, shit stirring old bastard.

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