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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Age gap argument

158 replies

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:03

We are a big group of friends ages 22- 27. We are all childless so socialise almost every weekend. We went for drinks last night and I ended up in a disagreement that got a bit heated.

One of the guys (22) said he would like to go to a certain bar as someone he’s been chatting with let him know she was there last night. He then divulged she was 18 and turned 18 just 2 months ago.
I said I thought that was a bit grim if I’m honest and he could not see the issue. I pointed out that it was in my opinion a bit strange to be a 22 year old that has been an adult for 4 years to find someone attractive that only a few months ago was legally a child.

He then got in a bit of a mood and said I made him feel weird about it now and was in a mood with me all night.

WABU? Yes, I know this girl is now legally an adult but she has only a few months ago left sixth form?! We are all working adults with careers and I definitely would have viewed an 18yo as still almost a child in regards to dating when I was 22!

OP posts:
truecolour · 01/10/2023 18:04

It’s not a problem. She is an adult.

You have an issue with it because I imagine you’re closer to 27.

No issue with someone who is up to 24 I’d say, being with someone who is 18. It’s all about the people involved. YABU

gerrithedom · 01/10/2023 18:04

I don't really see a problem, and don't think that's particularly unusual.

If they were 14 and 18 it'd be completely different.

Bluelightbaby · 01/10/2023 18:06

I really don’t see an issue with a 4yr age gap ?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 01/10/2023 18:06

YABU. 18 and 22 is not a big deal in my opinion.

Persipan · 01/10/2023 18:06

Well, The Ratio says the youngest age of person you should get involved with is half your age plus 7.

Nannyfannybanny · 01/10/2023 18:06

Yabu,look up the different ages male and female brains develope.

KajsaKavat · 01/10/2023 18:07

I think people are faking this a bit fat nowadays. 18 and 22 is not that far apart. Do you fancy him yourself?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/10/2023 18:08

I don’t think that 18 and 22 is a huge deal tbh. It would have been totally the norm when I was young. I know she gaps are more frowned up on these days, but still could get worked up about that one. It’s not like he’s 30.

Original poster
Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:11

KajsaKavat · 01/10/2023 18:07

I think people are faking this a bit fat nowadays. 18 and 22 is not that far apart. Do you fancy him yourself?

Why is it women on this site can’t disagree with a man in relation to a woman without being accused of fancying him herself?

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 01/10/2023 18:11

Nope, not with you. That age gap is totally fine. Do you fancy this chap? Or is it the opposite and you’re looking for something to moan about re him?

Also, what would you think if a 22 year old from your group got with a 27 year old?

Flavabobble · 01/10/2023 18:12

So your group of friends has a five year age difference, but you're fretting and getting into a heated argument over a four year difference?
How long has he been part of this social group?

You're overinvested.

Alargeoneplease89 · 01/10/2023 18:12

You are out of order to make a grim comment it's only 4 years ... grow up - are you at high school?

MermaidEyes · 01/10/2023 18:13

Another one saying nothing wrong with that. When I was 18 my boyfriends were all early 20s. Boys of 18 are still pretty immature compared to girls.

gotomomo · 01/10/2023 18:13

4 years is fine 18+. As long as she really is 18 (a friend then 24 thought the person was 19 in a nightclub, 18+ venue and em she wasn't quite 15!

thecatinthetwat · 01/10/2023 18:13

I agree with you op.

the difference between me at 18 and me at 22 was huge. It’s a big jump in development for a lot of ppl, especially if she just finished school.

Original poster
Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:15

thecatinthetwat · 01/10/2023 18:13

I agree with you op.

the difference between me at 18 and me at 22 was huge. It’s a big jump in development for a lot of ppl, especially if she just finished school.

Like this is my point entirely. How can someone who has lived an adult life for 4 years think that it’s normal to be with someone who was just turning 18 on them leaving sixth form! 2 months ago she was at school. That’s insane.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 18:15

Yes, YABU.

Maybe you are the 27 yr old, and feel that is a bigger age group ?

I'd have no issues with a couple who were 18 and 22. It's a very normal age gap.

muddyford · 01/10/2023 18:15

I had my first serious boyfriend when I was in the upper sixth. He was 25. We had a blissful time before I ended it. Afterwards my mother said she had been a bit concerned but he was a really decent bloke.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 18:16

I think it’s commendable to think about these things OP, but 18 and 22 seems fine to me - at 18 you’ve been over the age of consent for 2 years, and could have been living independently and working for the same time.

16 and 22 I would be concerned about in principle.

This is a really hot topic at the moment, as it’s been so neglected for so long and that’s a good thing. But as a PP says there are times people over worry, and I think this is one of those times.

UndercoverCop · 01/10/2023 18:19

I think it's more about life stages if she's a first year and he's in final year both students meh, when I was working in a bar at 18 most of the staff were under 25 lots dating, is she's 18 left school at 16 been working full time since, lives in her own or in a house share and he's similar, again no issue.
If he's in a professional career living on his own and she's at sixth form and he's picking her up in her school uniform, I find that a bit off

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 18:21

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:15

Like this is my point entirely. How can someone who has lived an adult life for 4 years think that it’s normal to be with someone who was just turning 18 on them leaving sixth form! 2 months ago she was at school. That’s insane.

Show quote history

They are both young adults OP.

There will be examples when people of those ages will be at very different development stages and examples when they aren’t.

On the whole women do mature earlier. Especially if this chap is still living at home, or at least in his home town, lots of their life experiences and references will be very similar.

It’s good to question these situations as they arise, but step back now and leave them to it.

BuffaloCauliflower · 01/10/2023 18:23

18 and 22 is completely fine and normal

KrisAkabusi · 01/10/2023 18:30

It's completely normal. You're just looking at it from an older point of view.

Japaneseflower · 01/10/2023 18:30

Very rude the people asking 'do you fancy him?' why so aggressive.

I do get what you mean but the adult age cut off is somewhere so if she's an adult, she's an adult. I'm 25 now and met my husband when I was 19 and he was 22. Only in hindsight did I realise 22 is also still quite young. I think it's okay. It's more if he was expressing weird statements about how he was attracted to her because she is 'of age'. But if he just likes her, then I think that's okay x

Dramatic · 01/10/2023 18:30

Yeah I think 22 is fine, 25+ would be where I'd start thinking it's a bit grim. Anything closer to 30 would be a big no-no, which is probably why you're thinking the way you are, don't forget he's 5 years younger than you