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AIBU?

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Original poster

Age gap argument

158 replies

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:03

We are a big group of friends ages 22- 27. We are all childless so socialise almost every weekend. We went for drinks last night and I ended up in a disagreement that got a bit heated.

One of the guys (22) said he would like to go to a certain bar as someone he’s been chatting with let him know she was there last night. He then divulged she was 18 and turned 18 just 2 months ago.
I said I thought that was a bit grim if I’m honest and he could not see the issue. I pointed out that it was in my opinion a bit strange to be a 22 year old that has been an adult for 4 years to find someone attractive that only a few months ago was legally a child.

He then got in a bit of a mood and said I made him feel weird about it now and was in a mood with me all night.

WABU? Yes, I know this girl is now legally an adult but she has only a few months ago left sixth form?! We are all working adults with careers and I definitely would have viewed an 18yo as still almost a child in regards to dating when I was 22!

OP posts:
CobbldyCook · 01/10/2023 19:28

YABU. I think you have overreacted and your friend deserves an apology. 18 and 22 is a total non issue IMO.

SomeCatFromJapan · 01/10/2023 19:29

I was 18 and my first boyfriend was 22 when we got together. I'd not have appreciated you calling him grim or strange.

fettuccini · 01/10/2023 19:29

55larry · 01/10/2023 19:24

I was 18 and Dh was 23 when we started going out, we married 18 months later and have been married for 51 years so you wouldn’t approve our relationship but it was very usual to have even bigger age gaps then.

Be careful. The OP will accuse your husband of grooming you now!

BasicDad · 01/10/2023 19:30

22 yo men are rarely as mature as 18 year olds at the best of times. Both adults though, YABU.

Petunia90 · 01/10/2023 19:30

I don't think it is that bad at all, as somebody said, he could easily be a final year uni student and her a fresher. It's a shame if he now feels bad. They are likely very similar in terms of maturity.

PinkMoscatoLover · 01/10/2023 19:32

truecolour · 01/10/2023 18:04

It’s not a problem. She is an adult.

You have an issue with it because I imagine you’re closer to 27.

No issue with someone who is up to 24 I’d say, being with someone who is 18. It’s all about the people involved. YABU

I’m 24 and if a friend of mine who was 24 went for someone who was 18 I’d actually be disgusted.

I’m with you OP. A 22 year old and a 18 year old? Nope. A 22 and a 26 year old is more acceptable imo

jolies1 · 01/10/2023 19:32

I think it’s completely fine. By 18 she might have been working for two years if she wasn’t at college, might be away at uni living independently from parents. There’s not a huge difference between 18 & 22 even if one working full time and socialising with older adults - most 22 y/o I know are living at home, or just finished uni, going out, enjoying their life, not that different from an 18 year old. Like many posters I dated a 22 year old who was a masters student when I started uni. Guess who was more mature?! Many of my friends dated friends of their older siblings. We lived in a small town if you only went out with people your age it was slim pickings!

Fair enough when you get to around 25 and the gap starts getting a bit more icky

They are just chatting, not even dating. All I would do in your place is remind him to double check she is the age she says she is as teenagers sometimes fib about that without knowing the risks.

Original poster
Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 19:34

do you fancy him? You’re age range in the group varies so is it strange to you that a 27 year old is friends with / has stuff in common with a 22 year old?

Our age range varies because we actually have several sets of siblings within the group.

OP posts:
Poniesandrainbows · 01/10/2023 19:34

SomeCatFromJapan · 01/10/2023 19:29

I was 18 and my first boyfriend was 22 when we got together. I'd not have appreciated you calling him grim or strange.

Op called my dad a groomer earlier upthread so you might get the same Grin

ahtred · 01/10/2023 19:34

I'm with you OP, I think that's a really difficult age range where 18 is still very young (presumably still in education if just turned?) and 22 is just out of that coming of age period of 18-21, so maturity should theoretically be quite different. It depends on the people obviously, but I wouldn't be thrilled as the parent of either the 18 or 22 year old. Just as I wouldn't if a 12 year old was seeing a 16 year old. I think when the youngest one is 21 is when it starts to get less contentious. I will put my hands up and say I do have opinions on age gap relationships where others don't.

fionaapple · 01/10/2023 19:35

@Aprilx most 18 year olds are still in some form of education and most 22 year olds will either be in or will have finished further education or they will have been working in the adult world for 4 years. Some 18 year olds are still in school uniforms. It makes me wonder why these men can't attract women closer to their own age and why they're going for freshly 18 year old girls who probably have little experience with boyfriends.

SomeCatFromJapan · 01/10/2023 19:35

Op called my dad a groomer earlier upthread so you might get the same

That's quite something to say to someone about their own dad.

TeenLifeMum · 01/10/2023 19:35

At 18 I dated a 25 yo and I was definitely more mature than him! Over 18 dating someone less than 10 years older is totally fine. Stop making out men are paedophiles for dating anyone you personally disagree with. Your view is weird.

Allthingsdecember · 01/10/2023 19:36

I’m not a fan of teens/early 20s dating older men/women but 18 and 22 seems ok to me.

At 22 I’d just graduated from university. I was an adult, but not an adult adult.”

I don’t think there would necessarily be a power imbalance there.

Obviously awkward if he wants her to hang out with his friends though… I wouldn’t have wanted to go drinking with an 18 year old at 27.

fionaapple · 01/10/2023 19:36

OP you don't sound jealous btw.

Original poster
Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 19:38

fionaapple · 01/10/2023 19:36

OP you don't sound jealous btw.

I’m really not with an engagement ring on my finger 😂

OP posts:
EdgeOfACoin · 01/10/2023 19:39

15 and 19 would be a definite issue.
16 and 20 would be somewhat of a concern.
17 and 21 would probably be just about okay.
18 and 22 is fine.

Everyone is mocking the 'half your age plus 7' rue, but actually it's a pretty good guideline for teens and twenty-somethings.

jolies1 · 01/10/2023 19:44

ahtred · 01/10/2023 19:34

I'm with you OP, I think that's a really difficult age range where 18 is still very young (presumably still in education if just turned?) and 22 is just out of that coming of age period of 18-21, so maturity should theoretically be quite different. It depends on the people obviously, but I wouldn't be thrilled as the parent of either the 18 or 22 year old. Just as I wouldn't if a 12 year old was seeing a 16 year old. I think when the youngest one is 21 is when it starts to get less contentious. I will put my hands up and say I do have opinions on age gap relationships where others don't.

I think this should be clearer that it depends on the people. An 18 year old is an adult, you can’t arbitrarily decide they are ‘too young’ for a decent bloke who is 22 and just entering what most of us consider ‘proper life’ eg out of full time education and starting to stand on own two feet.

People mature at different rates! By 18 I’d nursed my mother through cancer and supported my dad through bereavement. He was delighted I was dating someone a few years older that might have the maturity to support me.

butterpuffed · 01/10/2023 19:46

OP, if you met a married couple who were , say , in their fifties , and they told you they started dating when she was 18 and he was 22 , what would be your thoughts on that ?

Poniesandrainbows · 01/10/2023 19:57

butterpuffed · 01/10/2023 19:46

OP, if you met a married couple who were , say , in their fifties , and they told you they started dating when she was 18 and he was 22 , what would be your thoughts on that ?

She'd say the older one groomed the younger one as she said this about my parents.

CKL987 · 01/10/2023 20:09

You are being really ridiculous. Girls generally mature faster than boys. When I was a teenager my friends and I would more often than not be with an older boy/man as the maturity levels fit better.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 01/10/2023 20:21

CKL987 · 01/10/2023 20:09

You are being really ridiculous. Girls generally mature faster than boys. When I was a teenager my friends and I would more often than not be with an older boy/man as the maturity levels fit better.

I don't actually think that's true. Saying girls mature faster than boys means older men can shag teenagers without looking like pervs.

TheMurderousGoose · 01/10/2023 20:23

I don't think I'd give a second thought to an 18yo being with a 22yo.

TheMurderousGoose · 01/10/2023 20:27

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 19:38

I’m really not with an engagement ring on my finger 😂

Show quote history

Do you feel because you're a 20-something engaged woman that it gives you more authority to lecture people on what is and isn't permissible in a romantic context? I can see why it got heated.

Petunia90 · 01/10/2023 20:28

I remember being a 18 year old in first year and we had a 23 year old on our course. We all thought she was so much older! Now I'm in my early 30s and have a 23 year old colleague, 23 feels like a lifetime ago.

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