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AIBU?

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Original poster

Age gap argument

158 replies

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:03

We are a big group of friends ages 22- 27. We are all childless so socialise almost every weekend. We went for drinks last night and I ended up in a disagreement that got a bit heated.

One of the guys (22) said he would like to go to a certain bar as someone he’s been chatting with let him know she was there last night. He then divulged she was 18 and turned 18 just 2 months ago.
I said I thought that was a bit grim if I’m honest and he could not see the issue. I pointed out that it was in my opinion a bit strange to be a 22 year old that has been an adult for 4 years to find someone attractive that only a few months ago was legally a child.

He then got in a bit of a mood and said I made him feel weird about it now and was in a mood with me all night.

WABU? Yes, I know this girl is now legally an adult but she has only a few months ago left sixth form?! We are all working adults with careers and I definitely would have viewed an 18yo as still almost a child in regards to dating when I was 22!

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/10/2023 23:29

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/10/2023 23:17

Well I also agree with you @Queseraseraa. She's still at school and he's completely out of education? It's too much. IMO.

And girls do not mature faster than boys Hmm.

She's not still at school if she turned 18 two months ago

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/10/2023 23:30

Oh beg pardon.

She was at school only two months ago, when she was still 17.

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 23:31

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/10/2023 23:17

Well I also agree with you @Queseraseraa. She's still at school and he's completely out of education? It's too much. IMO.

And girls do not mature faster than boys Hmm.

Except, she's not 'still at school.

OP states that in the OP.

I don't believe we have any idea if the lad is at University, working, unemployed, on an apprenticeship or what. Not that it really matters.

KimberleyClark · 01/10/2023 23:33

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 01/10/2023 18:06

YABU. 18 and 22 is not a big deal in my opinion.

She could be still at school/sixth form college. Would it be a problem then?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/10/2023 23:36

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 23:31

Except, she's not 'still at school.

OP states that in the OP.

I don't believe we have any idea if the lad is at University, working, unemployed, on an apprenticeship or what. Not that it really matters.

Show quote history

No, none of it really matters. I personally think that 18 and 22 is too much of a gap. You don't.

TeenLifeMum · 01/10/2023 23:49

It’s only just occurred to me that dh and I met when I was 17, started dating when I was 18 and dh was 21 he’d just finished uni and I’d just dropped out of uni. We’ve been together 22 years now and at no point did he take advantage of me. He didn’t even realise I was flirting until I outright told him. The more I think about the op’s view the more absurd I think it is. A bit like the op the other day who found condoms and seemed shocked even though her dd was 17.5. Have people got very different memories to me of being in your late teens?!

Sapphire387 · 01/10/2023 23:55

Why does it bother you so much? Honestly, you don't sound much of a friend. It's none of your bloody business tbh.

ItStillWasntMe · 02/10/2023 00:13

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:11

Why is it women on this site can’t disagree with a man in relation to a woman without being accused of fancying him herself?

Show quote history

Because it’s hard to believe that your ostensible complaint is real.

10HailMarys · 02/10/2023 00:38

You’re being really weird about this. They’re two adults close in age. You do know 18-year-olds and 22-year-olds could easily be at university together, right? Would you expect a third-year student not to date a first year student even though they were part of the same friendship group and living in the same halls and socialising at the same student union bar?

it is completely normal and fine for a 22-year-old to date an 18-year-old. Maybe you were immature and childlike at 18 but plenty of 18-year-olds aren’t and some 18 year old girls find they are way mature than boys the same age, so it really isn’t an issue for them to date someone in his 20s.

10HailMarys · 02/10/2023 00:39

KimberleyClark · 01/10/2023 23:33

She could be still at school/sixth form college. Would it be a problem then?

Show quote history

No. She isn’t somehow less of an adult because she’s studying.

givemeasunnyday · 02/10/2023 00:43

YABU - 18 is an adult, and he's only 22. Completely normal.

jolies1 · 02/10/2023 07:17

Whatever your personal views on this if you work together it’s unfair to imply this young man is doing something inherently wrong and risk damaging his reputation at work. If you don’t agree with this age gap, fine. But the majority of people will have experienced a gap like this themselves or in their friendship group / family and seen it go absolutely fine.

loislovesstewie · 02/10/2023 08:02

Could you explain to me when this became a thing? I'm older and when I was young it was completely normal, no one thought an age gap of 4 years was abusive or problematical , or weird. I often went out with boys older than me, because frankly the ones of my age still acted like adolescents. It's not the number as in age ,but whether the people concerned are at the same level of emotional maturity, surely? And18/22 seems to me to be about the same level.

5128gap · 02/10/2023 11:40

I think a lot of people responding are not in the age group you're talking about OP and are speaking from a perspective of being that age in a time when attitudes were more relaxed. Also past a certain age, under 25s often get lumped together as 'young' by older people, and the nuances of the differences between 18 and just left school and 23 and living a fully adult lifestyle are lost. Certainly your view point is shared by the young people I know and they are also pretty vocal about it.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 02/10/2023 12:19

KimberleyClark · 01/10/2023 23:33

She could be still at school/sixth form college. Would it be a problem then?

Show quote history

No

DuploTrain · 02/10/2023 12:24

Not many 22 year old women want to date 18 year old men do they? They would be considered immature probably. That’s why it’s icky… the immaturity is viewed negatively for young men but positively for young women (by the older man).

Although saying that I was 19 when I met my 24 year old now DH, and I was at uni. I think that’s different to someone who has literally just turned 18. Or maybe times have just changed.

PinkRoses1245 · 02/10/2023 12:28

YABU that age gap seems fine. You know 16 is the age of consent; right?

Maireas · 02/10/2023 12:30

Grim? Is this the most overused word on MN?
It's not grim, nor is it inappropriate, it's perfectly fine between two consenting adults.

pantypant · 02/10/2023 12:33

fionaapple · 01/10/2023 19:35

@Aprilx most 18 year olds are still in some form of education and most 22 year olds will either be in or will have finished further education or they will have been working in the adult world for 4 years. Some 18 year olds are still in school uniforms. It makes me wonder why these men can't attract women closer to their own age and why they're going for freshly 18 year old girls who probably have little experience with boyfriends.

Do what about 2118? 20/18?

Or do people have to be exactly the same age for you to feel satisfied?

20 year olds may well have been in the work force for a couple of years. 22 year old May not have left education.

At 18 many girls will have had loads of boyfriends. They may have been locked in a convent or may have travelled the world whilst being home schooled or escaped a war zone. They may be the baby of the family or the responsible carer of their disabled parent.

People have such limited views it's astounding.

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 12:35

Maireas · 02/10/2023 12:30

Grim? Is this the most overused word on MN?
It's not grim, nor is it inappropriate, it's perfectly fine between two consenting adults.

Grim and vile. Everything is grim and vile on MN.

An 18 yo and a 22 yo together is neither. Just not a big deal in any way.

Maireas · 02/10/2023 12:37

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 12:35

Grim and vile. Everything is grim and vile on MN.

An 18 yo and a 22 yo together is neither. Just not a big deal in any way.

Show quote history

Quite

Katiesaidthat · 02/10/2023 12:42

No big deal whatsoever. I remember being 18 and dating several 21 year olds. The 18 year old men where immature babies. I remember one of us dating a 28 year old, we did raise an eyebrow at that one and called him an "old man almost at incontinent age".
But 18-22? totally normal and ok.

MaybeSmaller · 02/10/2023 12:51

YABU

She's an adult, not even that much younger, and you're being really weird about this. Even by today's standards.

You sound judgemental of others and a party pooper. It's not surprising he got in a mood with you. You probably ruined his night.

People have such limited views it's astounding.

This.

fettuccini · 02/10/2023 13:13

5128gap · 02/10/2023 11:40

I think a lot of people responding are not in the age group you're talking about OP and are speaking from a perspective of being that age in a time when attitudes were more relaxed. Also past a certain age, under 25s often get lumped together as 'young' by older people, and the nuances of the differences between 18 and just left school and 23 and living a fully adult lifestyle are lost. Certainly your view point is shared by the young people I know and they are also pretty vocal about it.

Yea the old biddies couldn't possibly know anything about being teenagers and young adults could they. How dare people over 30 comment on young peoples issues. Silly old women.

PatchouliOilandRoses · 02/10/2023 13:13

My boyfriend when I was 19 was 31....I dumped him because he was too immature 🤣
18 and 22 isn't even remotely an issue.
Just out of interest how long would she have had to have been out of school to make it acceptable?
You do realise that technically she could study until her 30's and not leave education....should she put adulting on hold?

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