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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Age gap argument

158 replies

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:03

We are a big group of friends ages 22- 27. We are all childless so socialise almost every weekend. We went for drinks last night and I ended up in a disagreement that got a bit heated.

One of the guys (22) said he would like to go to a certain bar as someone he’s been chatting with let him know she was there last night. He then divulged she was 18 and turned 18 just 2 months ago.
I said I thought that was a bit grim if I’m honest and he could not see the issue. I pointed out that it was in my opinion a bit strange to be a 22 year old that has been an adult for 4 years to find someone attractive that only a few months ago was legally a child.

He then got in a bit of a mood and said I made him feel weird about it now and was in a mood with me all night.

WABU? Yes, I know this girl is now legally an adult but she has only a few months ago left sixth form?! We are all working adults with careers and I definitely would have viewed an 18yo as still almost a child in regards to dating when I was 22!

OP posts:
Petunia90 · 01/10/2023 20:29

Didn't quite word it very well, meant to say we all thought she was so old compared to us.

5128gap · 01/10/2023 20:38

I have a DS the same age as your friend. This subject came up a while ago when one of their friendship group was interested in a young woman he didn't know the age of. When he found out she was 18, he immediately lost interest, and was subject to a lot of teasing. He's now earned himself a nickname no man would want. So while there isn't anything officially wrong with it, and in my day it wouldn't have raised an eyebrow, many young people these days would see it as inappropriate, so I get where you're coming from OP.

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 01/10/2023 20:41

A 4 year age gap is completey normal and very typical in male/female relationships. In gave I think it's the average.

There's 11 years between me and my DH

autumnpleasestay · 01/10/2023 20:44

Hardly surprising that your friend didn't like you suggesting he was a creep. She's only a few years younger than he is. She's an adult. Doesn't matter if she's been 18 for a day or 11 months. Some people become a bit obsessive over age gaps. The fact is that some people at 18 are more mature than others will be in their 50s.

Redwinestillfine · 01/10/2023 20:44

I was 22 and DH was 19 when we met.....

HerMammy · 01/10/2023 20:48

My DD18 has a bf who is 21, they're a great couple, very mature and sensible (sometimes) no concern here whatsoever.

butterpuffed · 01/10/2023 20:50

Poniesandrainbows · 01/10/2023 19:57

She'd say the older one groomed the younger one as she said this about my parents.

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Ridiculous point of view .

fettuccini · 01/10/2023 20:51

How old are you exactly OP?

JustAMinutePleass · 01/10/2023 20:52

18 & 22 is fine. 18 & 27 isn’t.

MrsRandom123 · 01/10/2023 20:54

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 19:38

I’m really not with an engagement ring on my finger 😂

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Poor guy!

Pushkinini · 01/10/2023 20:57

I was 20 and DH was 28 when we met. 18 and 22 is fine.

LimeCheesecake · 01/10/2023 21:11

It’s a “life stage” issue isn’t it? The OP being mid-to-late-20s is very far from student life, but could be seen as same life stage as someone early 20s who has started working.

but someone in their early 20s who’s not long left education (if they went to uni/other post 18 education) could easily see themselves as same life stage as someone who has just left education in school and is newly working.

it does carry on through adult life that life stages being similar even if ages are different can be more important than being the same age.

4 years isn’t a big age gap though.

B1993 · 01/10/2023 21:17

I agree, YABU. I think the 'grim' comment was unnecessary. Even if you didn't agree with the gap, there would be a better way of phrasing this.

nokidshere · 01/10/2023 21:56

For goodness sake. 18 & 22 are in the same age group. There's nothing grim about 2 young adults dating. You need to get a grip. And you were very rude to the young man. 18 is an adult. And if you feel it's that big a bridge to cross why aren't you concerned about 27yr olds socialising with 22yr olds.

nobodysdaughternow · 01/10/2023 22:03

It wasn't fair to voice your opinion op. You can think what you want, but to voice your criticism (rather than concern for her) was really just a power play by you.

You should think about why his choice irritates you so much?

nobodysdaughternow · 01/10/2023 22:06

My theory btw, is that you are part of a big, social clique and you felt threatened by someone new being included who didn't 'fit' the group age criteria.

Ponoka7 · 01/10/2023 22:08

It depends on the people involved. Teens have to work and pitch in, in the area I'm from. I don't recognise the young/incapable descriptions given and defended on here. There's little difference between 18 and 22 years old. There's no difference in appearance. It's around 25 that starts. The only thing I find frustrating is when men get with younger women and then criticise because they are acting typical of their age group. As long as there's no pressure, especially to get pregnant. OP I'd put you into two age groups up. So you aren't looking at your friend to be as young as he is because you are thinking of him as your age group.

SingingNettles · 01/10/2023 22:22

I’m with the vast majority who doesn’t perceive an issue with the age gap.

Presumably even those who think it is objectionable must view it as very borderline. I can’t imagine anyone would object to were the ages 18-20 or 18-21.

Having a go at your friend and insinuating that they’re a creep, in these circumstances, was unpleasant and unfair.

Original poster
Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 22:23

When I was about a month away from 18, I got involved with a man who was 23. He attended by 18th birthday. No one said anything about his age to me or that it was strange. But looking back what the hell was he doing with a girl who was only just turning 18. I think still think it’s a bit icky.

OP posts:
Zingy123 · 01/10/2023 22:44

You're weird. Nothing wrong with age gap relationships.

BettyBoobles · 01/10/2023 22:49

I went out with a 25 year old when I was 18. I was waaaay more mature than him! Didn't tho k it weird in the slightest. My husband is 3 years older than me and we met when I was 23.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/10/2023 23:17

Well I also agree with you @Queseraseraa. She's still at school and he's completely out of education? It's too much. IMO.

And girls do not mature faster than boys Hmm.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/10/2023 23:18

Zingy123 · 01/10/2023 22:44

You're weird. Nothing wrong with age gap relationships.

I think the total opposite and you're weird.

FunnysInLaJardin · 01/10/2023 23:20

meh, I was only just 17 when I met DH aged 21. We have been together for 35 years, so...

Lostcotter · 01/10/2023 23:25

Queseraseraa · 01/10/2023 18:15

Like this is my point entirely. How can someone who has lived an adult life for 4 years think that it’s normal to be with someone who was just turning 18 on them leaving sixth form! 2 months ago she was at school. That’s insane.

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I do think it’s a bit off and not great but it’s not a massive concern IMO since he’s 22 as opposed to say 28.

Sometimes men of 22 who date 18 year olds are predatory but often they’re not.

It depends on if there is a pattern and how they treat said girl.