DH & sex… | Mumsnet

BetterWithPockets · 2023-10-01T15:14:38+00:00

So, I’m menopausal and my sex drive has hit rock bottom. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. DH is still keen and unless we have sex twice a week, he gets grumpy. To be fair to him, he’s brilliant in so many other ways. And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate. And I get that. I really do. And I do try. But sometimes I’m tired or the timings just don’t work or — well, a thousand different things. I guess the issue is that he wants it; I don’t. I do try but I hate feeling under pressure. Similarly he tries to mask his disappointment/annoyance if it doesn’t happen. (He’s not very good at masking it tbh, but I do think he tries.) I just don’t know what the answer is. I’ve even considered suggesting an open marriage but I think I’d find that too difficult to navigate if it really came to it. The thing is it’s only twice a week — how difficult can that be? (That’s certainly how he regards it.) But I HATE feeling compelled to do something I really don’t want to do and honestly think I’d be more amenable if if I didn’t feel under pressure. He, on the other hand, doesn’t feel loved/valued etc if he’s not getting it. And neither of us want this to be the thing that ends our marriage — we both love each other — but neither of us know where to go from here. I’ve just realised this isn’t really AIBU, so apologies. It’s more DYHAA (do you have any advice)…?

00100001 · 01/10/2023 16:15

Have you been to the doctor's about your libodo?

DustyLee123 · 01/10/2023 16:16

Does he know that it’s not a turn on to be expected to perform twice a week ?
You can try HRT, and testosterone is said to help

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2023 16:16

How does he enjoy it when you're clearly not interested?

Would you be more interested if it were less frequent?

AlwaysFreezing · 01/10/2023 16:18

Hang on. So it's a list of chores and sex is on that list. He does the dishes and you do the blow jobs?

CurlewKate · 01/10/2023 16:18

Sex should NEVER be a transaction!!!!

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:19

No idea because we’re in exactly the same boat. I’m on HRT too and done all the usual checks etc. I do think for a lot of women we just completely lose interest. It’s difficult.

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:20

No, although I have been about HRT, which I thought would help, and it hasn’t.

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jeaux90 · 01/10/2023 16:21

Testosterone as part of HRT massively helps but this doesn't seem to be the issue.

I don't think the transactional view of this is healthy at all.

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:21

I’m on HRT. Hasn’t helped, sadly.

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WhateverMate · 01/10/2023 16:24

And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate. And I get that. I really do.

WTF have I just read?! 🙈🙈

Is it not his duty as a husband and father to do a lot for his wife and family?

Christ.

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:24

jeaux90 · 01/10/2023 16:21

Testosterone as part of HRT massively helps but this doesn't seem to be the issue.

I don't think the transactional view of this is healthy at all.

In some ways though I think long term relationships are transactional. Not just sex but everything. It’s all compromise and doing things you perhaps wouldn’t choose to do to make things comfortable to live together. You’ll probably get a load of replies telling you that I’m wrong for saying that and surely your dh knows you don’t fancy it blah blah but I don’t think they do, not if you’re good at feigning interest. And to be fair when I get into it I don’t mind it, I just wouldn’t really be bothered if we just had a cup of tea instead!

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/10/2023 16:25

Please think about going back to your doctor to revisit your HRT medication. It can take time but it definitely helps

icelollycraving · 01/10/2023 16:25

Sex shouldn’t be a transaction, to feel that way is a big turn off surely. Sulking isn’t attractive but we are all human and he may not want to be a sexless marriage.
IF you want your desire back, would seeing the gp help? (I’m not suggesting he’s hot but maybe some kind of meditation!)

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:25

@Nanny0gg I think I’d enjoy it more if it felt more spontaneous, more mutual. But he’s hesitant to initiate anything because he’s scared of rejection/putting me under pressure (although he does that anyway, inadvertently, by being grumpy if it doesn’t happen), so invariably I have to initiate it, but I’d happily never initiate if left to my own devices!

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Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:27

@WhateverMate Ah, but that isn’t how it is. It’s more that if you love someone you try to do things that will make them happy. And this is one (big!) thing that makes him happy…

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WhateverMate · 01/10/2023 16:27

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:25

@Nanny0gg I think I’d enjoy it more if it felt more spontaneous, more mutual. But he’s hesitant to initiate anything because he’s scared of rejection/putting me under pressure (although he does that anyway, inadvertently, by being grumpy if it doesn’t happen), so invariably I have to initiate it, but I’d happily never initiate if left to my own devices!

Edited

although he does that anyway, inadvertently, by being grumpy if it doesn’t happen

Please don't assume this is inadvertent rather than controlled, manipulative behaviour.

Noname99 · 01/10/2023 16:30

But how can it be more spontaneous if you are saying left to your oven devices you’d never initiate it/want it? I think you need to think about why you don’t want to have sex with your husband? Sex is the most wonderful intimate thing and the only thing (hopefully!!) that is exclusive to you both. I’d be utterly devastated if my partner did not fancy me, was not attracted to me and basically wanted a live in friend.

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:31

jeaux90 · 01/10/2023 16:21

Testosterone as part of HRT massively helps but this doesn't seem to be the issue.

I don't think the transactional view of this is healthy at all.

It’s not really as transactional as I’ve made it sound. It’s more that he loves me so tries to do things that will make me happy, and hopes I’ll do things (have sex!) that will make him happy.

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Freezingcoldinseptember · 01/10/2023 16:32

Tell him to have a wank and you will participate by suppling the tissues..

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:34

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:24

In some ways though I think long term relationships are transactional. Not just sex but everything. It’s all compromise and doing things you perhaps wouldn’t choose to do to make things comfortable to live together. You’ll probably get a load of replies telling you that I’m wrong for saying that and surely your dh knows you don’t fancy it blah blah but I don’t think they do, not if you’re good at feigning interest. And to be fair when I get into it I don’t mind it, I just wouldn’t really be bothered if we just had a cup of tea instead!

Show quote history

I agree with this. He does things to make me happy and would like me to do things to keep him happy. He’s really not a bad person. And I’m probably similar — I don’t mind it, but could just as happily have a cuppa!

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Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:38

Noname99 · 01/10/2023 16:30

But how can it be more spontaneous if you are saying left to your oven devices you’d never initiate it/want it? I think you need to think about why you don’t want to have sex with your husband? Sex is the most wonderful intimate thing and the only thing (hopefully!!) that is exclusive to you both. I’d be utterly devastated if my partner did not fancy me, was not attracted to me and basically wanted a live in friend.

Edited

You’re right. The reason I don’t want it is that since the menopause I just never feel like it. I know he feels unloved and unattractive as a result which is why I try to make it happen. But because I don’t really want it, it doesn’t always happen. I’m really not suggesting it’s all his fault (although I know this is MN so there are always going to be some people who jump in saying how terrible he is. But he’s really not.)

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Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:39

@Pumpkinpie1 @icelollycraving youre right. I will go back to the gp. I wasn’t like this pre-menopause. Thank you.

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Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:40

Noname99 · 01/10/2023 16:30

But how can it be more spontaneous if you are saying left to your oven devices you’d never initiate it/want it? I think you need to think about why you don’t want to have sex with your husband? Sex is the most wonderful intimate thing and the only thing (hopefully!!) that is exclusive to you both. I’d be utterly devastated if my partner did not fancy me, was not attracted to me and basically wanted a live in friend.

Edited

The thing is, this is how I suspect ops dh feels - and my dh. And others in a similar situation. But the flip side of it is that the other person literally couldn’t care less about it for various reasons. (In my case I feel like I’ve had a very high sex drive most of my life and now I’m getting older it’s just dropped off a cliff, it’s like I feel like I’ve had enough of it thanks, I’m sure menopause is a big part of it but all the HRT and testosterone in the world doesn’t help). So it’s either making it another tick off the list chore that you have to pretend you enjoy and are really into, or you face splitting up your otherwise perfectly lovely family for. At the end of the day it’s either he’s miserable or you are. It’s shit but I suspect a lot of couples are in exactly the same boat.

Hygeelady · 01/10/2023 16:41

Is there intimacy at other times? This is a big deal to me, i can't just jump into bed and be ready for sex. We need to be having cuddles and the odd kiss here and there, holding hands on a walk etc and alot of communication. If this doesn't happen, I can't do it! What can he do to make it better? What can you do to help? The thing is although you shouldn't have to do something you don't want, most marriages don't last without the only thing keeping you as a couple, it won't be fair to your husband either. Is this a new thing? How long has it been since you got on hrt?

Original poster

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:41

Pigeonqueen · 01/10/2023 16:19

No idea because we’re in exactly the same boat. I’m on HRT too and done all the usual checks etc. I do think for a lot of women we just completely lose interest. It’s difficult.

Ah, @Pigeonqueen. I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same boat and although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, it is comforting to know it’s not just me.

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