Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH & sex…

137 replies

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:14

So, I’m menopausal and my sex drive has hit rock bottom. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. DH is still keen and unless we have sex twice a week, he gets grumpy. To be fair to him, he’s brilliant in so many other ways. And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate. And I get that. I really do. And I do try. But sometimes I’m tired or the timings just don’t work or — well, a thousand different things. I guess the issue is that he wants it; I don’t. I do try but I hate feeling under pressure. Similarly he tries to mask his disappointment/annoyance if it doesn’t happen. (He’s not very good at masking it tbh, but I do think he tries.) I just don’t know what the answer is. I’ve even considered suggesting an open marriage but I think I’d find that too difficult to navigate if it really came to it. The thing is it’s only twice a week — how difficult can that be? (That’s certainly how he regards it.) But I HATE feeling compelled to do something I really don’t want to do and honestly think I’d be more amenable if if I didn’t feel under pressure. He, on the other hand, doesn’t feel loved/valued etc if he’s not getting it. And neither of us want this to be the thing that ends our marriage — we both love each other — but neither of us know where to go from here. I’ve just realised this isn’t really AIBU, so apologies. It’s more DYHAA (do you have any advice)…?

OP posts:
parameciumparty · 02/10/2023 15:24

Try taking Ashwaghanda. It might take a few weeks to start to take effect, but it really helps.

Alleycat1 · 02/10/2023 15:42

I used to love sex and was always in the mood.....clue is in my user name.Then came a hysterectomy at age 38 (cancer) and my libido has slowly died over the years. I have tried everything to ramp it up but nothing works. My lovely husband is wonderful about it and he knows that it is a tragedy for me as well as for him because we have lost such an enjoyable part of our lives. I am now 72 and still feel upset. Now and then the urge takes me and it is still great but most of the time my body just doesn't respond. So lucky to have a man who understands.
I hope, OP, you find something that works for you.

Original poster
BetterWithPockets · 02/10/2023 15:59

Thank you for the comments here. Lots to think about. For the posters who’ve said it’s rape — it’s really REALLY not. (I say this as someone who has been raped and tbh I find the suggestion quite offensive although I’m sure a, it was well intended, and, b, someone will jump on here to explain why I’m wrong.) For the record my DH makes me very happy (and I hope I do him), generally. And the reason I’m the one considering taking (more) medication etc is that pre menopause, we had a fairly good and mutually enjoyable sex life. I still mostly enjoy sex when we have it but not like I used to and I’m never in the mood, which means it rarely happens. But it’s me that’s changed, not my DH, so it makes sense (I think) for me to be the one to look at what I can do. I will also look at what we — and he — can do. We’ve definitely let the affection slide; it’s not non existent by any means but as some PP have suggested, affection is a big part of sex for me, and I think we’ve got ourselves into a bit of a vicious circle.
Finally, thanks to those who have said they’re in the same boat. I’m sorry you’re here too, but it is sort of reassuring to know I’m not alone… Thanks again.

OP posts:
Thisistyresome · 02/10/2023 16:30

Ohhbaby · 01/10/2023 16:48

No suprise why our divorce rate is sky high if you read some of these replies. Of course any loving wife wants to be there for her husband sexually! 'it sounds transactional etc' bugger off. It's normal and healthy to want to do this for your spouse even if you don't feel like it. I would much rather not stand up in the middle of the night when my husband is sick, but do it because I love him.
OP, I'd also maybe try a few things, lube, GP?

I also had a friend give me advice. 'start before you're ready' meaning sometimes we don't feel like it, but if we start, halfway through we end up enjoying it even if we didn't necessarily think to do it ourselves. I don't know if this is true for you?

Good lick to you guys and good on you for acknowledging the problem and not trying to sy 'dh should just accept it' but actually making an effort!

It is certainly amusing to see a certain type coming out. Someone asks about a sensitive subject and how they are trying to navigate it. But can’t have that without those who have no first had experience here to say he is a rapist and an abuser. While others say any expectation of a physical relationship is unreasonable.

Hard to know if these types actually understand how unhelpful they are…

Thisistyresome · 02/10/2023 16:36

PermanentTemporary · 02/10/2023 08:14

In this decade I have a high sex drive and I'd be devastated if dp became uninterested, though in the nature of life I do expect one of us to lose interest at some point. Between 35 and 45 I really wasn't very interested at all and it was always an issue.

Of course do all the helpful things that have been suggested and I hope it works out.

Just to be perverse though I do wish that he could visit the GP for HIS libido... that there was a simple pill he could take that would sort it out for him. (There is, of course - men who have hormone treatment for prostate cancer apparently lose their libido).

I don't think you're in an open relationship space at all. But there is more than one way to do that, if it ever feels more possible in the future.

“Just to be perverse though I do wish that he could visit the GP for HIS libido... that there was a simple pill he could take that would sort it out for him. (There is, of course - men who have hormone treatment for prostate cancer apparently lose their libido).”

There are multiple types of chemical castration that will remove a man’s libido, but as with the pill and HRT when you start to mess around with people’s body chemistry you don’t know what outcome you will get.

Ohhbaby · 02/10/2023 17:25

Thisistyresome · 02/10/2023 16:30

It is certainly amusing to see a certain type coming out. Someone asks about a sensitive subject and how they are trying to navigate it. But can’t have that without those who have no first had experience here to say he is a rapist and an abuser. While others say any expectation of a physical relationship is unreasonable.

Hard to know if these types actually understand how unhelpful they are…

Show quote history

I'm amazed really. Don't know how anyone is a in a relationship these days with this me - me - me attitude.

fufulina · 02/10/2023 18:30

Like the people who just want sex regardless of the partner is up for it?

Defiantjazz · 02/10/2023 20:36

Of course any loving wife wants to be there for her husband sexually! 'it sounds transactional etc' bugger off. It's normal and healthy to want to do this for your spouse even if you don't feel like it.

Don’t get lost on your way back to the 1950s 🤣

Macaroni46 · 02/10/2023 21:22

SHM2407 · 02/10/2023 15:07

I'm quite shocked by some people's attitude to sex within marriage. Surely if you marry someone and they're expected to remain faithful to you then you should be open to having sex with that person rather than just handing them a box of tissues!

It sounds like some people feel that wanting sex with your spouse is a step too far even though it's pretty much the only thing that sets a romantic relationship apart from any other type of relationship.

Totally agree

Macaroni46 · 02/10/2023 21:25

psyonicwaves · 02/10/2023 12:56

I'm a man and definitely sympathise with OP's husband here. My fiancée is the most wonderful, beautiful woman and I love her, but she's also perimenopausal and has zero sex drive. I am doing my best to be very patient with her, but I'm also younger than her and a relationship with zero sex is not something I want. We have a lovely life in every other way. I go out of my way to make her happy, but it feels like she won't do the same for me and that's incredibly hard to handle.

It wasn't like this when we first met, but it's been like this for a few years now. We probably have sex three times a year at most and only ever when I initiate. It's incredibly difficult to believe she loves me and finds me attractive when she apparently has zero desire for sex with me.

Whenever I bring it up, she gets defensive because she feels like I'm saying she's somehow faulty. I'm not - I just need to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I've tried to gently suggest HRT (for her other symptoms as well as lack of libido) but she doesn't believe in it and won't talk to her doctor about it. I don't know what to do.

Ignore the posters who've written catty comments. I think your situation sounds very difficult. A serious conversation is needed as ultimately your sex drives are not compatible.

GalaApples · 02/10/2023 21:39

I felt like this for a long time with exH. What changed it completely was feeling fancied and adored by someone else later. If your DH could stop the dreary expectations and do more to make you feel really special and gorgeous, you are much more likely to feel sexy.

K8ate · 15/04/2024 19:41

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2023 16:44

Sexual coercion is rape op. He coerces you by making it clear it’s part of your “duties” and you’re so brainwashed that you think this is normal or acceptable. His behaviour is abusive; if you don’t recognise that then we can’t help you

Oh, here we go……..

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread