DH & sex…

[BetterWithPockets]

So, I’m menopausal and my sex drive has hit rock bottom. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. DH is still keen and unless we have sex twice a week, he gets grumpy. To be fair to him, he’s brilliant in so many other ways. And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate. And I get that. I really do. And I do try. But sometimes I’m tired or the timings just don’t work or — well, a thousand different things. I guess the issue is that he wants it; I don’t. I do try but I hate feeling under pressure. Similarly he tries to mask his disappointment/annoyance if it doesn’t happen. (He’s not very good at masking it tbh, but I do think he tries.) I just don’t know what the answer is. I’ve even considered suggesting an open marriage but I think I’d find that too difficult to navigate if it really came to it. The thing is it’s only twice a week — how difficult can that be? (That’s certainly how he regards it.) But I HATE feeling compelled to do something I really don’t want to do and honestly think I’d be more amenable if if I didn’t feel under pressure. He, on the other hand, doesn’t feel loved/valued etc if he’s not getting it. And neither of us want this to be the thing that ends our marriage — we both love each other — but neither of us know where to go from here. I’ve just realised this isn’t really AIBU, so apologies. It’s more DYHAA (do you have any advice)…?

I can’t take Ginseng as I feel too horny on it, (I’m single) so might be worth trying out!

Testosterone worked magic for me. It doesn't have a massive effect on everyone but I would say it's definitely worth a try.

Sexual coercion is rape op. He coerces you by making it clear it’s part of your “duties” and you’re so brainwashed that you think this is normal or acceptable. His behaviour is abusive; if you don’t recognise that then we can’t help you

Has anyone tried 'HANX Libido Lift' - I keep seeing it on Instagram, thought it maybe good, but haven't tried it

They really aren't - or they shouldn't be. You shouldn't have to do things that make you uncomfortable to keep the person you're married happy. I'm never having anal sex with OH, he can like that or he can leave, I won't be compromising.

The idea of having to fake my enjoyment of sex is almost as bad as the idea of having sex with someone who was faking their enjoyment in it. What a horrid, horrid way to live. I'm not going to be faking my orgasms to please a man.

OP he is grumpy because he thinks he is entitled to sex. He is doing his role and he sees the woman's role as servicing her man. It's misogynist pig territory. He's not interested in what he could do to help or improve things, I bet he hasn't even asked - because he sees this as his right. You owe him.

He's also emotionally manipulating you into initiating sex - he can persuade himself that you must want it because you initiated it. It's just all vile, coercive, abusive behaviour. Do you not see - he has manipulated you into not just agreeing to sex, but actually initiating yourself, every time.

If you wanted sex and he didn't could you imagine behaving this way? I can't think of anything that would be a bigger turn off. Is he this manipulative in other ways if you think carefully about it? Do things run smoothly - as long as they're running his way? Have you moulded yourself into what he wants thanks to all his subtle manipulation?

The thing is OP what do you want. Personally I'd not be letting him anywhere near me but do you want your desire for sex back again? If so I think it would be a really good idea to speak to a doctor and see if there's anything else they can suggest - isn't there a female viagra? But this is not a good guy you're with no matter how you convince yourself otherwise.

I don't really find that HRT has made any difference, apart from the cream making things more comfortable!
I certainly don't get the urge anymore....I do it cause I feel I should and I love DH ( who I have to say, never puts the pressure on)

No suprise why our divorce rate is sky high if you read some of these replies. Of course any loving wife wants to be there for her husband sexually! 'it sounds transactional etc' bugger off. It's normal and healthy to want to do this for your spouse even if you don't feel like it. I would much rather not stand up in the middle of the night when my husband is sick, but do it because I love him.
OP, I'd also maybe try a few things, lube, GP?

I also had a friend give me advice. 'start before you're ready' meaning sometimes we don't feel like it, but if we start, halfway through we end up enjoying it even if we didn't necessarily think to do it ourselves. I don't know if this is true for you?

Good lick to you guys and good on you for acknowledging the problem and not trying to sy 'dh should just accept it' but actually making an effort!

I agree. It shouldn't be transactional like "It's Wednesday, I've paid the bills so let's go" but a bit of give and take is necessary. I'd just have a go, you might get into it once you start. It's marriage. It would be different if you said the thought repulsed you. But just not really fancying it, I think you can try.

I think sex is a central issue in keeping a relationship together, if we are going to be monogamous.

Do you enjoy it when you are actually doing it? Is there anything that he could do differently to make it more enjoyable for you?

The other thing to consider is does anything arouse you. I think that it is easy to get stuck in a “this and that turns me on” mindset when actually our sexual desires change over time. So just because the idea of “sex in the garden” doesn’t work for you it doesn’t mean that nothing will. But you need time and space to figure that out.

Finally you mention that you are often too tired for sex. But he obviously isn’t. So maybe he needs to be doing more and you need to be doing less?

What does he do for you in bed, OP? I get the losing the sex drive, because that happened to me for a while, but even then I still loved a lot of sensuality in bed. And if that’s catered to I enjoyed the sex despite not actually desiring it IYSWIM. But it took a while to work that out because we had really let the foreplay and non-intercourse related aspects of our sex life slide over the years.

Do you enjoy it once you start or not even that? I have no advice as am in the same boat, has anyone recommended the book "Mind the Gap"? It's on my list to be read but I actually CBA to do anything about it, genuinely don't want more sex.

I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same boat and although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, it is comforting to know it’s not just me

Just to comfort you a bit more, me too. It wouldn't bother me if I never had sex again.

Pigeonqueen

Oh I do understand what you are saying. But I don’t think it’s ok to just think well it’s menopause and that’s that. Sex is so much more than ‘just hormones.’ They’d be bloody uproar if someone wrote that men can’t help wanting sex due to their hormones!

Sex, in my opinion, is mainly about expressing physically how you feel about your partner so I think to just say “no thanks I just don’t want it anymore” misses the point somewhat as to what sex is.

Really? Misogynistic pic? Wow.

I don't try and make my husband feel bad if we haven't had sex in a while, but I can feel my behaviour change. I feel disconnected and snappy. We need that physical intimacy.

So anyone who starts to feel for a lack do a better word angsty when they've not been physically intimate with their spouses, are misogynistic, think they're entitled to sex?

I do think sex is an important part of a relationship, at the end of the day it’s one of the main things that differs your relationship from any of your friendships!

At the point you’re not being intimate with your partner they just become another of your friends, and there’s some relationships where both partners are happy with that so it works, but if one of you isn’t then it is a deal breaker really.

Could you maybe try sitting down to discuss what could make your sex life better? For most women (not all obviously) their sex drive is responsive, so they need some foreplay/stimulation/that initial contact, so I can understand you finding it difficult to “initiate” because actually you don’t really fancy it unprompted! There are ways around this though, some women read “dirty” books for example, others watch porn, or you could have a conversation with your partner about each of your turn ons/turn offs, what works and what doesn’t, and go from there?

If you just have no interest in having sex though, and don’t want to try, then I think you need to have a chat with him about that as well and see what he wants to do in that case.

I guess I’m surprised, not that some posters including op say they don’t want to have sex with their husband, it’s that some posters don’t care (CBA is the term used in some cases) don’t worry, miss it ….nothing. As I said I’d be utterly devastated if my husband just announced that he no longer wanted sex and really didn’t give a shit either

Do you do other things that are intimate apart from sex cuddle up in bed , kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the sofa? Or is it all contact that you don't like?

My reply was for @itsmyp4rty

I think a lot of these replies are very unfair. Particularly the abuse ones.

My DH recently lost his sex drive and it had a huge affect on our relationship. It affected my confidence and how we interacted (flirting (for want of a better word) was off the table) It was really upsetting.

I have had periods of losing my sex drive before and it's very different when you are the one not interested. I, like you, didn't feel that bothered at the time. For the other party it can feel very upsetting and make a real dent in their self confidence.

Thankfully we seem to have come out the other side and his sex drive is back, and normal business has resumed! I don't even want sex that often. It's not really about the sex itself it's the feeling of having lost a big part of a relationship, the loss of intimacy, the rejection that goes with that and the effect it has on your interaction that are the biggest issues imo.

I wouldn't want to stay on a relationship where the sex was completely off the table.

So although I agree you shouldn't have sex if you don't feel up to it, but I do think you need to do what you can to see if you can reignite your sex drive. Good luck!

CherryMyBrandy
I agree - everything from accusations of coercive control to rape!!
It is not unreasonable to expect your partner to be attracted you and want to have sex with you and to feel upset (“grumpy”) if they suddenly decide they do not and expect you to just live with it.

That's a terrible response. Sex is a beautiful act between partners that reinforces the relationship. A wank is not the same. If my partner suggested that I'd seek a new partner.

I couldn't be with someone who made things so transactional. Twice a week? That's ridiculous to say it needs to happen twice a week. No it doesn't. It happens when it happens, and if he's pressuring you that's not a loving husband.

Totally agree with you.

We all do things that we don't want to do to please our partners. Sex is no different (unless of course the woman is in pain etc).

It's funny, there was a thread the other week where people were saying the the OP's boyfriend should make a fuss on the OP's birthday and make a fuss of her even if he does not want to.

But it seems like when it comes to sex a lot of people on here thing that women don't need to do the same.

Thanks so much for all the replies. I’ve read them but apologies for not replying to all. It’s funny because I’m a long time lurker on MN and I do think you often get the very extreme replies early on; subsequent replies are often more middle-ground. And for the record, I love my DH, don’t think he’s a bad person, and want to make this work. The way I look at it, the fact he wants more sex than I do is our problem, not just mine, or his. I’m definitely going to go back to the gp — I’ve been about HRT before but not specifically my libido — and I’m also going to talk to my DH about things we can do differently. He IS affectionate but I think a bit wary of being too affectionate because that can turn him on when we’re not having much sex — whereas for me, that makes me much more inclined to want sex, so I think we’ve got into a rut of him waiting for me to initiate it/not doing things that might turn me on. I know it’s still a bit of a mismatch but I think it would be a useful conversation to have. And I do appreciate that it’s no fun/massively demoralising to be in a sexless relationship when you want sex (I wanted sex once upon a time!!), which is why I posted here. Thank you, all. (Oh, and also, even though it’s not advice, it is useful to know it’s not just me and my DH.)