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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH & sex…

137 replies

BetterWithPockets · 01/10/2023 16:14

So, I’m menopausal and my sex drive has hit rock bottom. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. DH is still keen and unless we have sex twice a week, he gets grumpy. To be fair to him, he’s brilliant in so many other ways. And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate. And I get that. I really do. And I do try. But sometimes I’m tired or the timings just don’t work or — well, a thousand different things. I guess the issue is that he wants it; I don’t. I do try but I hate feeling under pressure. Similarly he tries to mask his disappointment/annoyance if it doesn’t happen. (He’s not very good at masking it tbh, but I do think he tries.) I just don’t know what the answer is. I’ve even considered suggesting an open marriage but I think I’d find that too difficult to navigate if it really came to it. The thing is it’s only twice a week — how difficult can that be? (That’s certainly how he regards it.) But I HATE feeling compelled to do something I really don’t want to do and honestly think I’d be more amenable if if I didn’t feel under pressure. He, on the other hand, doesn’t feel loved/valued etc if he’s not getting it. And neither of us want this to be the thing that ends our marriage — we both love each other — but neither of us know where to go from here. I’ve just realised this isn’t really AIBU, so apologies. It’s more DYHAA (do you have any advice)…?

OP posts:
Original poster
BetterWithPockets · 02/10/2023 08:32

OrlandointheWilderness · 02/10/2023 08:10

This. I have a high sex drive, DP is on medication that massively reduces his. If it's been a week or over I can feel myself becoming tense and less connected to him. I try to not be grumpy etc and most of the time I succeed but sometimes we can't help it!

Show quote history

This is exactly it. I can feel my DH becoming distant. And I probably phrased it badly in my original post, because he tries not to show it (and I do genuinely believe that), but invariably it gets to a point where he fails and I realise we’ve not had sex for a bit…

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 02/10/2023 08:35

I think twice a week is more than enough for 2 people who want it. But what I can’t get my head around is that your DH is grumpy if this doesn’t happen. Why can’t he go more than a few days without sex. That isn’t healthy. No wonder you feel like you don’t want it as it feels very forced.

QuizzlyBear · 02/10/2023 08:43

BeignetPommes · 01/10/2023 16:51

I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same boat and although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, it is comforting to know it’s not just me

Just to comfort you a bit more, me too. It wouldn't bother me if I never had sex again.

Me too. Love my DH (though the menopause makes me find him the most irritating person on Earth) but I have no sexual desire for him or anyone else these days.

I have sex with him once a week because he gets stressed and moody if we don't and because I don't want our marriage to die a slow death before I'm through the menopause. Just hoping it eventually passes and I feel more up for it! If not, it'll be something I just put up with once a week in order to maintain my family, as 'transactional' as that sounds.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2023 08:44

Daffodil18 · 02/10/2023 08:35

I think twice a week is more than enough for 2 people who want it. But what I can’t get my head around is that your DH is grumpy if this doesn’t happen. Why can’t he go more than a few days without sex. That isn’t healthy. No wonder you feel like you don’t want it as it feels very forced.

I totally agree that expecting to have sex a certain number of times a week is a bit coercive. Anyone who is nagging or bullying their partner for sex needs to get in the bin.

But it sounds more as if the DH is just unhappy at the perceived imbalance: that he is still very keen on physical intimacy with his wife and she is obviously only doing it to keep him happy and, left to her own devices, wouldn't bother.

I don't think anyone should have to have sex to keep their spouse happy but by the same token if sex is important to you and your partner signals that it is not to them, you are well within your rights to want to end the relationship.

I couldn't remain in a committed LTR with someone who made it clear they never wanted sex with me again.

It just sounds like this couple is no longer compatible and shouldn't be together tbh.

ittakes2 · 02/10/2023 08:52

I get that mismatched sex drives is a couple problem but your husband thinking you owe him sex because he is a good partner in other ways is basically him treating you like a piece of meat. Your on hormones - your hormones are ok it’s him thinking you need to lend your body to him for his own pleasure that’s turning you off.
I think you need some couple’s counselling the therapist will help him readjust his mindset. And if you are allowed to enjoy closest without the threat of it having to turn sexual things might improve.

fufulina · 02/10/2023 08:56

It’s so reductive to say that a loving relationship, with kids in the
mix, should end if the DH isn’t getting ‘enough’ sex.

Of course sex isn’t the only thing separating a LTR from a friendship. I don’t share children with my friends, their parents aren’t my kids grandparents. I don’t have a mortgage and a life with my friends.

I’m always astonished that someone is willing to blow up their kids lives so they can get their leg over. Lust doesn’t last. It’s more amazing that women have swallowed the line that a lack of libido is something to be medicated. It’s only medicated because it’s a problem for men. Can you imagine men being medicalised to take on more of the mental load? It would never happen.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2023 09:16

fufulina · 02/10/2023 08:56

It’s so reductive to say that a loving relationship, with kids in the
mix, should end if the DH isn’t getting ‘enough’ sex.

Of course sex isn’t the only thing separating a LTR from a friendship. I don’t share children with my friends, their parents aren’t my kids grandparents. I don’t have a mortgage and a life with my friends.

I’m always astonished that someone is willing to blow up their kids lives so they can get their leg over. Lust doesn’t last. It’s more amazing that women have swallowed the line that a lack of libido is something to be medicated. It’s only medicated because it’s a problem for men. Can you imagine men being medicalised to take on more of the mental load? It would never happen.

Firstly it's not always the DH not getting enough sex that's the problem. It can often be the other way around. You seem to take as read that it's a male problem, which is an interesting perspective. Many women want sex too.

I agree in principle that wanting more sex than you're getting isn't a good reason to end a stable marriage with children. There should always be more "glue" to a relationship than sex; there should be compatibility and respect and tolerance and that means sometimes putting up with periods without sex. And I absolutely never think anyone, male or female, should coerce or nag or sulk their partner into having sex they don't want.

But I think some posters on this thread are approaching this from the standpoint that wanting sex in a committed relationship is intrinsically selfish or superficial, and that a "good" and "pure" relationship is one where sex has been minimised and is non-existent. As if a good marriage will eventually transcend the need for sex. I just don't see it like that.

Sex is very important to some people and that doesn't make them bad people. And while demanding sex where is unwanted is brutal and demeaning, wanting sex to be a part of your committed relationship doesn't make you an animal or a poor quality partner.

I can absolutely understand why in marriages with children and "infrastructures" (mortgages etc) it's rash and destructive to leave purely due to lack of sex. But you characterise the desire for sex as "wanting to get your leg over" as if this is a selfish and impure motivation which essentially needs to be exorcised in favour of maintaining "family unit".

I do think very long term celibacy within a committed relationship when one person wants sex is ultimately not a sustainable ask. Yes you can and probably should stick it out until your kids have left home. But expecting people to remain committed for life without something that's this important to them is unrealistic.

towriteyoumustlive · 02/10/2023 09:43

Just get him a menopause book to read. Something like this:
Menopause for MEN

A friend of mine has similar, and feels like she has entered into some sort of requirement of sex once a month. If she got her way it would be never! She just has zero libido despite HRT.

I'm peri-menopausal but have never really had much of a sex drive. My DH leaves me to do everything whilst he just carries on his routine pretty much how it was pre-kids, so on the plus side you do have a DH that tries to make you happy. But... he shouldn't be doing that just to get sex, which is no doubt what it feels like.

user1492757084 · 02/10/2023 09:48

How about you both agree to a couple of days and times but you call the shots a day earlier and set things up exactly how you like to be wooed.
You make the romance spontaneous at least once per week.

Ponderence · 02/10/2023 10:49

Freezingcoldinseptember · 01/10/2023 16:32

Tell him to have a wank and you will participate by suppling the tissues..

Exactly this!

randomusername2020 · 02/10/2023 11:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MatildaTheCat · 02/10/2023 11:33

@randomusername2020 I think in some situations that is good advice but at menopause maybe not so much. If your libido is rock bottom it’s unlikely to improve by having even less sex.

In my own case I struggled with this situation for a long while plus some compounding issues related to my health. However I did see this as a problem for both of us and eventually asked for testosterone therapy in addition to my regular hrt and internal oestrogen cream. You will probably have to ask for it directly and not all GPs are willing ( I found out in advance which GPs were likely to agree). I then had to have an appointment with a menopause clinic and have bloods done before I actually got any treatment ( though it was actually quite quick especially for the NHS).

Going privately is an option too. Once it’s been prescribed by a specialist the GP can take over.

It’s not instant at all and for me it has helped but not made a huge impact. What I’d say is that while I rarely feel like sex I do enjoy it much more when we get going. So I do have to make an effort.

Good luck, this is massively underestimated as an issue. I read recently that ‘up to 10% of women experience loss of libido in menopause’ Judging from my friends’ experiences I’d say it far, far higher.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 02/10/2023 12:21

Hmmm. Could you suggest that you have a week where sex is off the table, definitely not happening, but all the other affectionate stuff is. So all the cuddling and kissing, handholding, take a shower together etc. The point being to break this cycle of you both avoiding physical affection because it might trigger a desire for sex that you don’t want, and building back up that physical affection and hopefully desire for you.
As you say, this is a problem for both of you to solve. Perhaps you could go back to the dr to discuss optimizing your HRT to help your libido, and he could agree to a week no sex but lots of affection.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 02/10/2023 12:23

Basically Drs to help with the physical/hormonal side of things and a week with no pressure for sex to help with this psychological barrier that’s built up and become counter productive.

Branleuse · 02/10/2023 12:31

what does he do for the family that you feel is so much more than you?? Youre not a prostitute. He doesnt get to rape you as payment

Macaroni46 · 02/10/2023 12:32

fufulina · 02/10/2023 08:56

It’s so reductive to say that a loving relationship, with kids in the
mix, should end if the DH isn’t getting ‘enough’ sex.

Of course sex isn’t the only thing separating a LTR from a friendship. I don’t share children with my friends, their parents aren’t my kids grandparents. I don’t have a mortgage and a life with my friends.

I’m always astonished that someone is willing to blow up their kids lives so they can get their leg over. Lust doesn’t last. It’s more amazing that women have swallowed the line that a lack of libido is something to be medicated. It’s only medicated because it’s a problem for men. Can you imagine men being medicalised to take on more of the mental load? It would never happen.

But lack of sex is not only a problem for men.
And there's so much to sex than 'getting your leg over'.
I agree that a relationship should be based on more than sex but ultimately the physical intimacy between partners is the 'glue' that binds you together and takes the relationship to a different level than a normal friendship.
To have such a dismissive attitude towards those who want and like sex is worrying and intolerant. We're all entitled to want or not want sex. The ideal is that when within a relationship the two partners are able to be broadly in agreement on the frequency etc and are able to communicate and compromise around their own needs.

PixiePirate · 02/10/2023 12:40

Why should the OP take medication to ‘fix’ her libido. Why is his level of desire the default setting? Perhaps he needs to medicate to reduce his sex drive instead?

if that sounds ridiculous, why?

Defiantjazz · 02/10/2023 12:51

Grumpy because no sex ? That would give me the ick.
And the whole it’s your way of reciprocating - does he think it’s like you forgot to take the bins out or something? 🙈

psyonicwaves · 02/10/2023 12:56

I'm a man and definitely sympathise with OP's husband here. My fiancée is the most wonderful, beautiful woman and I love her, but she's also perimenopausal and has zero sex drive. I am doing my best to be very patient with her, but I'm also younger than her and a relationship with zero sex is not something I want. We have a lovely life in every other way. I go out of my way to make her happy, but it feels like she won't do the same for me and that's incredibly hard to handle.

It wasn't like this when we first met, but it's been like this for a few years now. We probably have sex three times a year at most and only ever when I initiate. It's incredibly difficult to believe she loves me and finds me attractive when she apparently has zero desire for sex with me.

Whenever I bring it up, she gets defensive because she feels like I'm saying she's somehow faulty. I'm not - I just need to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I've tried to gently suggest HRT (for her other symptoms as well as lack of libido) but she doesn't believe in it and won't talk to her doctor about it. I don't know what to do.

Original poster
BetterWithPockets · 02/10/2023 12:58

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 02/10/2023 12:23

Basically Drs to help with the physical/hormonal side of things and a week with no pressure for sex to help with this psychological barrier that’s built up and become counter productive.

Some useful food for thought here; thank you.

OP posts:
PixiePirate · 02/10/2023 13:15

psyonicwaves · 02/10/2023 12:56

I'm a man and definitely sympathise with OP's husband here. My fiancée is the most wonderful, beautiful woman and I love her, but she's also perimenopausal and has zero sex drive. I am doing my best to be very patient with her, but I'm also younger than her and a relationship with zero sex is not something I want. We have a lovely life in every other way. I go out of my way to make her happy, but it feels like she won't do the same for me and that's incredibly hard to handle.

It wasn't like this when we first met, but it's been like this for a few years now. We probably have sex three times a year at most and only ever when I initiate. It's incredibly difficult to believe she loves me and finds me attractive when she apparently has zero desire for sex with me.

Whenever I bring it up, she gets defensive because she feels like I'm saying she's somehow faulty. I'm not - I just need to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I've tried to gently suggest HRT (for her other symptoms as well as lack of libido) but she doesn't believe in it and won't talk to her doctor about it. I don't know what to do.

Perhaps you could ‘fix’ your hormones with a visit to the GP instead, seeing as you seem to think the issue is a hormonal one and you are the one who is unhappy.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/10/2023 13:34

And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate

Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck have I read?

randomusername2020 · 02/10/2023 13:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Defiantjazz · 02/10/2023 14:16

I am doing my best to be very patient with her.

Well if by that you mean you’re not trying to coerce her into sex she doesn’t want then that’s good…I guess.

SHM2407 · 02/10/2023 15:07

I'm quite shocked by some people's attitude to sex within marriage. Surely if you marry someone and they're expected to remain faithful to you then you should be open to having sex with that person rather than just handing them a box of tissues!

It sounds like some people feel that wanting sex with your spouse is a step too far even though it's pretty much the only thing that sets a romantic relationship apart from any other type of relationship.