DH & sex…

[BetterWithPockets]

So, I’m menopausal and my sex drive has hit rock bottom. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. DH is still keen and unless we have sex twice a week, he gets grumpy. To be fair to him, he’s brilliant in so many other ways. And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate. And I get that. I really do. And I do try. But sometimes I’m tired or the timings just don’t work or — well, a thousand different things. I guess the issue is that he wants it; I don’t. I do try but I hate feeling under pressure. Similarly he tries to mask his disappointment/annoyance if it doesn’t happen. (He’s not very good at masking it tbh, but I do think he tries.) I just don’t know what the answer is. I’ve even considered suggesting an open marriage but I think I’d find that too difficult to navigate if it really came to it. The thing is it’s only twice a week — how difficult can that be? (That’s certainly how he regards it.) But I HATE feeling compelled to do something I really don’t want to do and honestly think I’d be more amenable if if I didn’t feel under pressure. He, on the other hand, doesn’t feel loved/valued etc if he’s not getting it. And neither of us want this to be the thing that ends our marriage — we both love each other — but neither of us know where to go from here. I’ve just realised this isn’t really AIBU, so apologies. It’s more DYHAA (do you have any advice)…?

I really find that being close and affectionately intimate helps my libido. There are plenty of lovely nights where we just cuddle up naked and chat whilst holding and stroking each other, yes it often leads to more but many times it is just that, we cuddle on the settee, kiss regularly.

Also - what I thought was going off sex (physically and mentally) due to menopause was actually that my marriage to my ex was over and I hadn’t fully realised yet but my body had! Years later, I’m very happy with DP and have a great love life - not hrt related either.

Are you on HRT? I had a medical hysterectomy and was put on HRT..my libido went through the roof and the KY worked a treat .

im the opposite - OH doesn’t want sex and the pain it’s causing me … it is the most hurtful thing to be unwanted sexually and to feel unloved and so separate from someone. Honestly killing me.

HRT on its own doesn't alway increase libido. You'd need testosterone gel supplements. I had to get my testosterone prescription privately as my gp wouldn't prescribe the unit

Hit post too soon 🙄
My gp wouldn't prescribe the initial dose
Oestrogen levels need to be optimised with HRT prior to testosterone supplementation

I couldn't get past this bit, And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate.

WTAF? Sex is supposed to be something you both want and enjoy because you love each other and find each other attractive. Not a fucking reward system for when he does the fricking dishes! JFC! If my libido wasn't already low, it would be fucking non-existent if he said that! No wonder you don't want sex!

Just to add OP, my libido completely dropped when peri started. I went on HRT and it didn't really make much of a difference. I upped my dose and my sex drive is back to normal.

Only if left to op it would never happen

I really get what you’re saying OP.

I really think that sex is completely different for a woman who is going through the motions when we’re not really bothered as it’s just so … intrusive. I wonder how he’d feel about someone inserting a body part/dildo into him on a regular basis when they know he’s not really up for it. It makes me feel shit emotionally on the rare occasion that I do it when I’m not really in the mood.

I also get really frustrated that we’re often expected to make allowances for male libido because of their ‘needs’ (hormones), and yet us woman are expected to ignore how our own hormones impact our mood and libido and prioritise theirs.

Not sure I know what the answer is tbh, but I’d definitely start by instigating a reduction in his expectations to once a week rather than twice! I also don’t think that you should feel like you owe him for doing nice things for his family - you’re not the prize for him participating in family life.

I think it's just nature and normal.

I'm not bothered by sex. Wish it wasn't something that's seen as needing to be fixed rather than just nature doing its thing.

Nature wants us to get pregnant. Then it doesn't. I think its challenging to fit human sexuality into the mould of a relationship.

The problem with this though is assuming that has to work for your partner.

If both of you are unbothered by sex it's one thing. But the majority of people want sex to play some part in a committed LTR. It's absolutely fine if you don't want that. But if you decide that sex has no role in your life and your partner feels otherwise you can't really expect them to remain faithful to you indefinitely. You're depriving them of something that's important to them for a cause which might be undermined by the lack of sex.

I wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with someone where there was never any possibility of sex (or at the very least some physical intimacy). I just don't see the point: you might as well live separately, minimise all the other baggage and stress of a relationship and have an easier life.

I think that's why many relationships end ultimately. Because a lot of men and women don't have compatible long term sex drives.

@JamSandle

I think that's why many relationships end ultimately. Because a lot of men and women don't have compatible long term sex drives.

Possibly. I don't necessarily think it's always about men having higher sex drives than women though. I think its extremely hard to maintain sexual desire for someone consistently when you're raising children/running a household/doing jobs.

The purpose of a LTR for most people most of the time is to raise kids and that creates a sense of momentum for most people which sustains the relationship through the lack of sexual interest. There are exceptions and sometimes people have a sufficiently strong mental/emotional connection that they don't need anything further but these are definitely the exception.

It's not really natural for most people to remain together for decades with one other person and never have sex with anyone else. It's incompatible with evolutionary design.

Completely agree. Long term monogamy is a moral concoction but not natural for the vast majority of humans.

Completely agree. Long term monogamy is a moral concoction but not natural for the vast majority of humans

I also agree, though I often feel glad to be single when I read posts like OP's.

I can’t imagine a situation where I would push or force someone to have sex they don’t want with me.
I can’t imaginr a situation where I’d be having sex with someone, knowing they don’t want it/care for it.

I think thats the difference between you and I.

I don’t want to lose my relationship over the fact I don’t want sex as much as he does. There’s far more to our relationship than that.

Exactly, there is more to relationship than sex.
Shouldn’t your partner respect that and actually want to be with you, not just for sex.
Rather than the person who wants it less/doesn’t want it, having to have sex they don’t want.
I just could never do that/be with someone like that.

@IaskUanswer

Exactly, there is more to relationship than sex.
Shouldn’t your partner respect that and actually want to be with you, not just for sex.

There is more to a relationship than sex and absolutely no one should be having sex they don't want to keep their partner happy.

But for a lot of people not having sex undermines the overall benefit the relationship brings to their lives and contravenes the logic of being in a LTR. A LTR without some physical intimacy is just a friendship. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that if that's what people want but its patently not the same kind of relationship.

You keep saying that people should want to be with their partner irrespective of sex, as though this is some sort of quality hurdle that people should be expected to clear to demonstrate their commitment to one another. But for most people it doesn't work like that.

Because it's a romantic relationship its conditional and you get to define what's important to you in your relationship. If sex is important to you it's important to you. It's not incumbent upon you to expunge this desire from your psyche in order to experience some sort of "pure" love for your partner.

This. I have a high sex drive, DP is on medication that massively reduces his. If it's been a week or over I can feel myself becoming tense and less connected to him. I try to not be grumpy etc and most of the time I succeed but sometimes we can't help it!

In this decade I have a high sex drive and I'd be devastated if dp became uninterested, though in the nature of life I do expect one of us to lose interest at some point. Between 35 and 45 I really wasn't very interested at all and it was always an issue.

Of course do all the helpful things that have been suggested and I hope it works out.

Just to be perverse though I do wish that he could visit the GP for HIS libido... that there was a simple pill he could take that would sort it out for him. (There is, of course - men who have hormone treatment for prostate cancer apparently lose their libido).

I don't think you're in an open relationship space at all. But there is more than one way to do that, if it ever feels more possible in the future.

This is a good tip, thank you @NumberTheory — we’ve definitely let that slide too. And another poster mentioned affection outside of the bedroom; again, we’ve let that slide too. Not that we’re never affectionate — but it would definitely help me feel more in the mood for sex if there was more affection.

Thank you. Will look up both book and talk.

I do find him attractive, yes. (Although the fact my libido’s gone through the floor means he really doubts I do.) I mean, we’ve been together a while now, kids, etc, so it’s definitely not like it was as the start, but I do still fancy him.

Are you actually saying OP should get medicated so she can want sex twice a week?

This is exactly it. I can feel my DH becoming distant. And I probably phrased it badly in my original post, because he tries not to show it (and I do genuinely believe that), but invariably it gets to a point where he fails and I realise we’ve not had sex for a bit…