DH & sex…

[BetterWithPockets]

So, I’m menopausal and my sex drive has hit rock bottom. I’m JUST NOT INTERESTED. DH is still keen and unless we have sex twice a week, he gets grumpy. To be fair to him, he’s brilliant in so many other ways. And the way he looks at it is that he does a lot for me/us/the family (which he does) and this — sex — is one of the ways in which I can reciprocate. And I get that. I really do. And I do try. But sometimes I’m tired or the timings just don’t work or — well, a thousand different things. I guess the issue is that he wants it; I don’t. I do try but I hate feeling under pressure. Similarly he tries to mask his disappointment/annoyance if it doesn’t happen. (He’s not very good at masking it tbh, but I do think he tries.) I just don’t know what the answer is. I’ve even considered suggesting an open marriage but I think I’d find that too difficult to navigate if it really came to it. The thing is it’s only twice a week — how difficult can that be? (That’s certainly how he regards it.) But I HATE feeling compelled to do something I really don’t want to do and honestly think I’d be more amenable if if I didn’t feel under pressure. He, on the other hand, doesn’t feel loved/valued etc if he’s not getting it. And neither of us want this to be the thing that ends our marriage — we both love each other — but neither of us know where to go from here. I’ve just realised this isn’t really AIBU, so apologies. It’s more DYHAA (do you have any advice)…?

@BetterWithPockets I really recommend the book 'mind the gap'. Helped me better understand my low libido and stop feeling guilty about it, which in turn can help improve it. She's also done a TED talk which is a great summary for him to listen to to help him understand/be more reasonable

It’s such a tricky one isn’t it.

I would go back to the GP and see if the HRT can be tweaked - one thing that really seems to help some people with this is testosterone, so ask about that. If you don’t get much joy - I don’t think GPS have a bunch of training in this area - then I’d go and see a specialist privately.

I’m assuming you want your sex drive and life back? Is there anything that could make it more appealing right now, like longer foreplay? When you are doing it are there times when you do enjoy it? Would it help to reduce it to once a week and build back up?

If there are any green shoots you can build on scheduling one longer spot might be the way back. It doesn’t sound like spontaneity is realistic (as it so often isn’t, any time after you have kids). I’m assuming also that you have non sexual affection, if you don’t that needs sorting.

I posted earlier but just coming back to give some practical HRT advice.

Go back to the GP, ask for a blood test to see if the HRT is working, check your hormone levels, this will probably show you have really low testosterone and you need to tell the GP is massively impactful in terms of your libido etc

The goal here is to get a referral to the menopause clinic who can prescribe testosterone as part of your HRT.

Testosterone is a game changer, not just for libido but also my aching joints and most importantly my sharpness of thinking is back in a big way which helps me career wise.

I can see what you’re saying and that’s why I do make the effort for dh, because he misses that intimacy. For him it’s part of our marriage, I truly believe for men (in general) they see sex as part of being loved, whereas for women it’s more complex, especially as we get older. I know dh feels emotionally rejected and distant from me without sex, we’ve had a LOT of conversations about it. We have a really close, loving relationship in many ways but as we’re getting older there is a definite divide in how we view sex.

I would never have anal sex or anything I had issues with because personally that’s my line in the sand so to speak, and I’ve been in abusive relationships before and this is definitely not the same thing. Dh and I have gone months and months where we haven’t had sex because I really couldn’t fancy it and he’s not been horrible about it or pressured me but we’ve had a lot of heart to hearts and I know he felt sad about it, and he’s allowed to say that - it’s not coercive or abusive to say that anymore than I’m saying I would be happy to never bother again. So at the moment we’re trying to meet in the middle - I’m giving it all I have to be more into it, initiating things and to be fair yeah it’s fine when I’m in the moment but half the time I’m just bloody shattered and can’t be bothered. But it means a lot to him. He can’t believe his luck… it’s hard isn’t it.

I couldn’t have imagined feeling this way if I met myself 20 years ago. Sex was really important to me, dh and I used to have sex twice a day at one point, so I can definitely see both sides of the coin as it were. If dh had gone off sex at that point I would have been deeply hurt and baffled. And yet here we are.

It’s easy for people to be keyboard warriors and dish out the advice that no one should ever compromise in a sexual sense but I think people do it all the time, in one way or another. It’s different if there’s real abuse or coercion of course and if the ops dh is walking around sulking then yeah my vagina would shrivel up and shake its head too but it’s not always as black and white as that.

I was pinning my hopes on testosterone but after a year it still hasnt helped. So it's not the answer for everyone. It's definitely hormonal for me as i still get one or two days each month where my libido returns ( i suspect i'm ovulating then, but at 48 not sure how much longer that will continue).
Im absolutely in the same situation.
HRT has helped my mental health massively but im still a grumpy cow - just not a suicidal one. 😆
Sex is another chore on my list.

most marriages don't last without the only thing keeping you as a couple

Sex is the only thing that keep people as couples, that’s very sad, isin’t it?

@IaskUanswer I wouldn’t say so much just sex, but sex and physical intimacy (kisses, cuddles etc) are what differs your relationship with your partner from your friendship with your best friend.

I don’t think it’s strange at all that without that, most marriages struggle? I have plenty of friends, but I don’t want to live with any of them full time.

You have said you love him, but do you actually find him attractive? Is it just lack of libido on your part or does he actually turn you off?

Leave him. It will never get better.
you deserve so much more than this. secure your finances now!

It’s just normal OP. Why would a woman with no hormones and no ability to have children want to have sex? And twice a week?! How long do you think that can continue? Do you do it for the next ten years before losing the plot and splitting up anyway?

The way our society and families are set up just doesn't really work for women after menopause. It’s very difficult to understand this until it happens to you. Of course try the hormones but I think testosterone can cause anger/irritation, especially when combined with stress hormones.

I agree with @Pigeonqueen and @Ohhbaby

Did you ever enjoy sex with him? Do you orgasm? If you’re just performing an act for him to cum I don’t blame you resenting it.

Pigeonqueen

i totally agree that if anyone male or female was ‘permanently grumpy’ that would not be acceptable if it was being used as a means to get their partner to have sex but if they felt that way because their partner was no longer attracted to them and did not want sex with them anymore I’d be ‘grumpy’ if grumpy means upset and feeling incredibly rejected.
I guess I’d also see it differently in that I see the partner who is ‘just doing it to keep their partner happy’ as the one who is actually a bit controlling and dishonest tbh. I’d hate to think my husband was just having sex with me to keep me happy so I wouldn’t leave. But yeh I don’t know what the solution would be either? Would I want to leave him? I don’t know ….. it’s a strange one as i think if my partner suddenly couldn’t for some reason I’d be fine, it’s the not wanting to bit that would be the killer for me. I guess it’s going to be specific to each couple but I don’t think men should be demonised for wanting to have sex with their wife/partner.

Better with pockets.....i really feel for you. My sex drive just vanished one night. Maybe more intimacy would help with your husband?? Lots of kisses and hugs. So there is no pressure on you x luck 🍀❤️

sex is not transactional. Just because he does things to make you happy doesn’t mean you should have sex with him. Your reasonings are realistic floored. If you don’t want sex, don’t have sex. He can grow up and stop sulking or have a w@no like most men.
You can try and spin it any way you want but by him sulking and making you feel guilty so you should is abuse. Just because it isn’t forced and because you are married doesn’t change it at all. If a stranger on the street bought you flowers and chocolates and complimented you, you wouldn’t have sex to say thank you would you??

I really wish I had the answer to your problem but unfortunately I felt repulsed by sex during the menopause and nothing on earth will make me lie down and spread them if I don't want to. It feels repulsive to be made to do something and I don't see why I should take drugs I don't want.
In the end my H left and I'm glad I don't have to have someone pawing me all the time.

Have you tried testosterone? For me it works and all are happy

Other way round with me. I would like it every day but DP would really prefer a cup of tea. However, we have settled into a 'twice a week' kind of routine, and I try not to get grumpy about it not being more often. Btw, a wank is fine, but it's not the same as feeling desired and desirable.

We are in our 50s, and menopause didn't affect my libido. In fact, it increased it because I finally don't have to worry about becoming pregnant, which was always a worry when I was younger as it always happened very quickly. He presumably goes along with it because he enjoys it well enough once we've started, and because he knows I want it. Though there are things I do (not sex-related) which I am not fussed about but I do them because they matter to him.

It's all part of a long relationship.

And that's the MN bingo card complete! Surprised it took until page 3...

I do not understand most of these comments.
How is anyone supposed to have sex they don’t want? You do know what that is called, right?
Just so sad to read women are still pressured to have sex they don’t want, we really haven’t move on at all, have we.

And celebrating a birthday is not the same as having ’sex’ rape you don’t want to ffs, not when it’s such a invasive procedure.

These comments are really heartbreaking. No one who cares for anyone would have ’sex’ with someone who doesn’t want it. Not a good perso at least.
Maybe people should just stick to random fuck buddies, if that’s all they care about.

How about when it's the other way round, @IaskUanswer? Am I supposed to break up an otherwise great relationship with the father of my children just because he doesn't want as much sex as I do? Neither of us would benefit from that, so we both make compromises. One of those is that he has more sex than he would choose to have.

Any frequency of anything is too much when it’s something you don’t want to do 🤷🏻‍♀️never mind when it’s to do with someone being….well… in you
Maybe try discussion with GP
How do you feel if you imagine separating and remaining friendly?

You do realise that in most of these cases the person who wants more sex doesn’t actually realise the other person isn’t up for it? People can be very good at putting on a show that they want it when they know it matters to the other person. It’s not like you’re lying there totally upset or looking bored and your other half is having the time of their lives ignoring the fact you’re clearly not into it. It’s much more complex than that. Long term relationships are really complex. Dh and I have been through so much together, disabilities in our children and each other, losing parents, losing nearly everything financially, long term health issues etc. I don’t want to lose my relationship over the fact I don’t want sex as much as he does. There’s far more to our relationship than that.

@Pigeonqueen

In some ways though I think long term relationships are transactional. Not just sex but everything. It’s all compromise and doing things you perhaps wouldn’t choose to do to make things comfortable to live together. You’ll probably get a load of replies telling you that I’m wrong for saying that and surely your dh knows you don’t fancy it blah blah but I don’t think they do, not if you’re good at feigning interest. And to be fair when I get into it I don’t mind it, I just wouldn’t really be bothered if we just had a cup of tea instead!

I agree with this tbh. Not necessarily about sex per se and for the record I don't think anyone should ever have to have sex if they don't want it.

But I think the whole nature of a LTR is compromise, which is why they don't work for a lot of people beyond a certain point.

There's a limit to how compatible two people can ever be really, some people manage to rub along together fairly well, in the name of keeping the family together etc. A high degree of underlying compatibility, mutual respect and the ability to compromise help, plus an underlying driver such as shared children. But I think for most people it's only really children that keep a relationship running for decades on end. I don't honestly think it's really natural or normal for any two people to remain yoked together and sexually faithful for decades on end.

If you can't imagine yourself ever wanting sex with your husband again that's completely your right but it doesn't really speak very highly of the relationship. He's also well within his rights to feel he wants a partner he can have a mutually fulfilling sex life with. Neither of you is wrong, you're just not compatible.

If you can't square this circle (and no one could blame you for not being able to) are you not better just respectfully calling it quits?

My libido jumped off a cliff with the menopause; combined with never ending cystitis every time we have sex, which was a huge psychological barrier as well. So I went to a menopause specialist. Obviously have all the other symptoms too which were hard to manage and made me feel like crap.

I now have progesterone patches and oral oestrogen at night. I then have a small vaginal pessary of oestrogen a couple of times/week which helps with dryness/atrophy etc and has sorted the cystitis out. I then also have a small amount of female testosterone daily in a cream version. I am finally getting there and feeling like my old self so yes, naturally we are having more sex because I feel like it more.

if you want to do that for you, then go for it. Don’t do it just for him. I must admit DH was great about it but the big thing for us was that we talked about it so he knew what was going on for me. That I wasn’t rejecting him, I just literally didn’t want it at all before I started my treatment.