Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

@Tlolljs of course she will at some point be alone with one or both of them.

She just wants to respect everyone. She’s probably going about it the wrong way, but there’s never a right way. It’s a learning curve for you all.

But she doesn’t need to know that’s what the dad is for! Go and play mummies and daddies with her godchildren leave op kids the fuck alone!

As above.

Asking about preferred discipline, your parental no, nos and bedtime routine is way over stepping her position in the children's lives.

Their father should be parenting them when they're with him, it's not her job to be putting them to bed, for instance. After just a five month relationship, her role should still be very peripheral.

She doesn't need that level of information about her boyfriend's children. She hasn't even met them yet fgs,

It's not necessary for you and her to meet.

She just needs to know that when the children are with their father he should be parenting them.

Yabu. I didn't think to ask my now husband's ex anything like this before meeting his kids, I just assumed he'd got it in hand. Turns out that his ex was furious that I'd met the kids before she could vet me herself. All the things she wanted to ask me/tell me were the things your ex's gf mentions in the letter. She sounds like she's really making an effort.

PS I did not marry my DH because it gave me "a ready made family".

YABU. It’s hell being a step parent , cut her some slack, she’s trying .

YANBU

Why does she need to get involved
with the children at all? She is his girlfriend. Who knows if it will work out for them. She is about a year ahead of herself. I wouldn’t be expecting him to introduce them to her for at least another year. It’s not fair on the kids. And even then she doesn’t need to be involved
in their care. It’s such an overstep. Is she playing at being mummy with them. Your ex is looking after them not her.

Theres has never been a new boyfriend sending messages like this to an ex husband “how would you like me to look after your kids?” Look after them by not being involved with them at all until you know your getting married.

I mean read the responses on this thread. I cannot fathom why anyone thinks it’s somehow a privilege to be part of that circus it’s not a readymade family it’s a broken family. You just make the best of it and your OH must be shit hot to even consider it - it’s not an attraction!

Most of the things she asking you, your ex should be able to answer. He’s their dad.

Thought you were being unreasonable after your opening post, but, once I got to your 2nd post, YABVVVVVU.

She is doing her utmost to respect your feelings.
My advice is to roll with it, and maintain the amicable relationship you have had up to now with your dh. Be thankful he has met someone who seems to understand this will be difficult for you.

Honestly? I think it’s quite sweet.

She's not a step-parent.

She doesn’t need to know what your parenting no nos are because a gf of 5 months shouldn’t be parenting your kids. Ditto for the bedtime routine, why would she be putting them to bed?

on the other side, yes it’s good that she seems to want to get things right.

but I do agree, she’s overstepping. Too much, too soon.

YABU!. I would be really happy to have a step mum like this formy kids.

I'm just split on it. Yes angry I'm only being told about her in the same sentence as meeting the children. Also slightly annoyed as he said he was dating but I presumed multiple not just one . I did think we might reconcile at beginning but happier now we are not together (albeit bloody hard working FT and being a single mum).
Perhaps I am putting my own issues on this, motherhood did not come naturally to me, so I guess the fact he is now with someone so could focused puts me a little on edge incase she does end up a better parent than I. These are my issues I know.
I suppose I am a little sad that we were still doing things as a family fir the sake of the kids but with a new Gf, that will likely have to stop.

Her letter and message however just came across as a little patronising. Speaking to a teacher friend, she said that, it will be as she said our her comfort zone being in a home/intimate setting with children she doesn't know that well.

Very very stupidly she also is very similar in colouring and features to our nanny. I had PND after our 2nd and for a while accused ExH of fancying the nanny. That is me just being 100% stupid now.

It has just thrown my lovely relaxing Sunday for a loop

OP I think she is trying. I also think all your thoughts and feelings are totally valid and you’re allowed to have them. But I would keep those to yourself and play the part for the sake of your Co-parenting relationship and potential relationship with this lady. You’ve not really got anything to lose.

As an SM I think she’s behaving admirably, as a mother I understand the other feelings you have surrounding it all.

Presumably I wasn’t a SP at 6 months in but perhaps I am now I’m nearer 10 years? Would it not have been better that we had a good start than a bad one…?

@EmsHugs
‘perhaps I’m putting my own issues into this’

it’s not a perhaps, you definitely are

I was team her all the way to your update in page 8, when she said this: "I think letting mum have her input should be allowed too". Gee, thanks

@Lalalaboomdydoo

not sure why that made you not team girlfriend

Mums have 0 input into how their child is patented (aside from abuse of course) when separated. She is saying she doesn’t just want to have her partners input and wants to make sure they’re on the same page.

For example the OP doesn’t want her to take them swimming, her ex might be fine with this (as many people would)

Are you formally separated OP? Have the court laid down formal custody arrangements re a Parenting Plan for your children? Has maintenance been sorted out?

I ask because it all seems a bit lacksadaisical.

Unless you have a legal plan in place then you and your (estranged) husband still have joint care and control of your children and he shouldn't be 'triangulating' the situation with a stranger.

You may need to get legal advice about this from Citizens Advice.

@Fabshab
Yeah I get that I just thought that was a bit condescending.

Dear op I speak from (my) experience..

it’s normal to do a little social media sleuthing to see who she is or how long it’s been going on. You are still putting together all the reasons the marriage failed.
You are coparenting with your children’s father. Please be very careful she is not setting herself up to be the coparent…phone calls school contact the dropping off or receiving parent. I feel very fortunate I recognized this bullshit early and prevented it from taking root
women your husband is dating may stay or go. Time will tell. Many act very involved and competent initially but as time goes and on this may lean down. Sometimes maliciously as they “get
what they wanted and don’t have to play wonderful anymore”
keep your head and heart focused on your children every single decision, taken one by one, should be in best interest of your children. The long game. It will result
in wonderful confident successful young adult children
these are hard tricky times. I’m a little queasy reading this because it has reminded me of my hard years.

finalize divorce. Take plenty of time to find a companion. Enjoy your children on your own before mixing with a new relationship. You’re doing great.

@Lalalaboomdydoo

Issue is written word can often be misinterpreted when it comes to tone.

I think that’s why it would be good for the OP to meet, as it might make things seem less condescending when in context verbally

Just because you think it's too soon and she's just a gf doesn't mean your ex will be that way. He may be all for her moving in and taking over a parenting role when he has the dc, and you can't do anything to stop that. So even though you might not like it I would go along with it, as at least she is trying to do things your way.