Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

I think it’s fairly soon but she trying . Imagine she bakes cakes at their meeting and you don’t like them having too much sugar etc . Or she paints their fingernails and you don’t like that.
i imagine she’s aware she’ll be meeting them , and doesn’t want to screw up , I think that’s probably all there is to it.

YABU

Way too short of a time period to be enquiring about no no's etc. Just tell her their dad can do the parenting for now. I would keep it friendly though as this lady may eventually become their step mum in the future and a good relationship between you will be easier than a bad one.

All you’re talking about is how you feel, how you didn’t know he was dating one woman rather than multiple, how you’re worried she looks like the nanny so maybe DP fancies her etc.

This isn’t about you. She wants to meet to find out what’s best for the children, not what’s best for you. It sounds like she wants to put your children first and I assume she thinks you will want to do the same.

Stop thinking about what you want or how you feel, it’s not relevant. What’s relevant is what needs to happen to ensure that your children feel safe and that there is consistency between what is happening at each parent’s house and not going to be any animosity now one of their parents is dating.

The new girlfriend is obviously trying to involve you because she thinks that’s best, but if it’s not and you are happy with whatever their dad decides it’s okay to reply and say that you don’t feel the need to meet and you trust their dad to inform her regarding what is and isn’t in the children’s best interests. What isn’t okay is to put yourself at the centre of this and focus solely on what is best for you and your feelings around the children having a potential step mum in their lives one day in the future rather than what their feelings and needs would be.

I know it must hurt OP but she really does
sound like a nice woman. Thank fuck he’s not taken up with someone who’s not considering your feelings.

She genuinely sounds like she’s trying. Even if it makes you feel uncomfortable I’d really try to respond positively and say that if she has any questions another the kids you’re happy for her to ask your ex. This woman might be in your life forever now. I’d really try to start off on a cordial footing.

Well I think that's amazing she actually want to try and get it right for your children and is asking you as the mum. I think that's so respectful tbh and your over thinking

Honestly OP, I think This relationship is a lot older than 6 months. I’d imagine they’ve been ‘dating’ a lot longer and been ‘official’ for 6 months…

I think it’s good she wants to meet you. I met my ex new girlfriend before she met my kids. We get on great.

The dos and donts are a bit weird… I mean she’s dads girlfriend so surely he is there to parent so she doesn’t actually need to. Surely he understands their bedtime routine etc and if she wants to know these things she can ask him! I’d try and give her the benefit of the doubt but doesn’t come across as great and I’d just maybe go with a loose id like Dad to be in charge of parenting when they are with him…

I would thank her for the introduction, and say that there is no expectation for her co parent my children. I can see what you mean she has assumed she that as bed fellow to your ex has a role towards your children when in fact she the gf of their dad, that’s it atm. I don’t agree she is trying to be nice, as far as parenting goes, she should wait to be introduced and not be taking the lead, that is the role of parents.

Yes angry I'm only being told about her in the same sentence as meeting the children

But, presumably your dh is now at a point where it looks as if this is going to be a longer term relationship. So she is going to be about, when he has the dc, and mentioned in conversation sometimes. There has been no reason to mention her to you at the start of any relationship as at that point, one has no idea if, or how it will develop. This really isn't a bad thing.

Also slightly annoyed as he said he was dating but I presumed multiple not just one
Again, potentially he was to begin with, but now he has found someone with whom he is going to settle into a longer term relationship.

a) it was only your presumption that he was dating multiple people
b) it really isn't any of your business if you have split up
c) neither of them would have known that this might develop into a longer term relationship when they first dated..... you have to sort of 'clcik' with someone for that to happen. It could have been the first person he saw, or it could have been the 50th - you don't really know until you find someone you click with.

I agree with @Fabshab . You are confusing your own issues with this, and the fact you have split, without really accepting you have split, with any issues over the other woman trying her best to work with you on what can often be a really difficult relationship.

Can’t edit, just seen your update. She’s actually coming across really well to me. Try and take your emotions out and look at it from a neutral perspective.

She and your ex have been together a lot longer than 5 months. Probably for most of the time he’s been liking her Facebook posts.

No formal custody arrangement as I was still on gardening leave when we split. Have been promoted since then and childcare and allocation can vary very much week to week based on both our jobs which are non 9-5. The nanny and my MIL fill in any gaps or issues.
We had just renewed our mortgage when we split (terrible timing) so decided to just stay married for 2 more years until.mortgage was up for renewal, when we agreed we would sell the house and split it 50/50. As I said it has all been for the most part very amicable.
I suppose I have compartmentalised everything and was quite happy with the status quo, had my family life, my house &job without needing to meet the emotional needs etc of a husband. Ideal really.

The letter was a surprise and as I said I felt the tone quite condescending. I do suppose she means well and it may be her professional background coming into play too but it just threw me.

Also nit knowing my exH has been emotionally close with someone for a year and me having no idea is a surprise.

The tone of a letter can vary from reader to reader but she comes across as very serious and by the book which is neither of our styles so I'm curious how having her in our lives will play out. MIL has met her and say she is 'lovely' which suggests ExH is taking this rather seriously as I was the only other gf she has met (and that was after we had been together for over a year, albeit 19 years ago). I suppose things move quicker at this stage. We were together for 9 years before he proposed and 3 years before he even put me on the car insurance or gave me a key to his flat, so this is so quick for him.

YABU

I’d find it unsettling because it’s still really early on in their relationship, as far as you’re aware, she’s quite intense and extremely earnest. It’s just a bit much, all at once. Especially if you’ve still been doing things as a family and he’s been staying over.

OP this is a very painful situation as the split is quite fresh, I don't disagree with pp that she sounds nice/keen to do the right thing but the 'teacherishness' of her messages would also bother me in your shoes. Rest assured your children will NEVER prefer her to you, no matter how great she is with kids. They know who their mum is. Hugs to you- this news is so fresh (and difficult to reconcile with what you thought was going on ie ex only casually dating) it will take a while to process, don't judge yourself for any of your thoughts and feelings as they all sound normal and understandable to me.

Hey @EmsHugs. I feel like YANBU as a general statement. It’s true that new gf is being respectful and is wanting to put the children first by being consistent. That’s actually great. However, you’re still not being unreasonable to feel riled up by the situation.

It sounds like you perhaps still hold a candle for exDH? This is particularly understandable given that (from your first post) you are separated but not divorced. Were you hoping that you might get back together given that you hadn’t divorced? I think I would be hopeful in your situation.

From what you said about being surprised that he had been just dating one person, it sounds like you hoped any others he was seeing were ‘just for sex’ and not too serious. I would absolutely feel hurt myself if I found out that a recent ex was serious about someone else. It’s happened to me actually! I rationalised that it was just sex but when she got moved in the week after I moved out then it was hurtful.

I imagine (but only you would know) that this other woman meeting your children and becoming effectively a step parent is really solidifying the idea that your marriage with exDH is over and won’t be getting back on track. That’s a lot to process! I don’t think it’s as simple as you feeling like she’s overstepping the mark; I bet it’s setting thoughts about your relationship in motion that you had hoped weren’t justified.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Breakups always hurt; even if they were the right choice. Look after yourself and maybe see this new chapter as a chance to focus on you. A lot of women actually enjoy the respite that step parents can bring! At least this new gf sounds respectful to you. Change is hard but I think there’s a lot of promise in the situation if you can get through the hard times that are brewing.

Thanks for reassuring me everyone that I'm not being unreasonable to a point.
As I said I didn't find being a mum easy with the first, soft play etc. Was all very tedious to me. The second DC was a surprise and PND followed soon after all during COVID.
There is a teeny wee voice in my head that is probably scared she will be better at dealing with my children than I am. Like I said my ExH is a bit of a soft touch, so they adore him. Everytime DS is handed back to me, he throws a tantrum and if I do anything DD doesn't like she hates me and wishes she was with Daddy or Granny.
ExH was always better at being a parent and going to the parties and activities, especially as I have spent the last 2 years playing catch up with my career.
I like my children but can't really be bothered with other people's so someone who has literally chosen to work with them and plays an active role in the life of her friends' children seems wild to me. All my issues I know but as soon as I open that dialogue and say yes to that relationship, that could be it. However if I say no, I run such a risk or pissing off my ExH, MiL etc and all the people who I very much need in my life to care for children and work.

She’s not a relative or a friend. She’s a woman their dad is shagging
She isn't some that the dad has just bumped into in Greggs either.
She's been around a while, longer than OP thinks, I'm sure.

( i have known at least two different friends that have gone from dating to marriage and separation quicker than these two have ' officially' been together!!)

She sounds intense but I think she’s fundamentally a good egg.

He probably should have told you about her existence before the I-want-her-to-meet-the-children conversation, but that’s not her fault. Don’t let his failure to do things properly spoil your relationship with her, a relationship which could be mutually-respectful and cordial by the sounds of it.

After your update with her response I'm still saying YANBU as I did at the start of the thread.

She hasn't even met the children yet. She's getting way ahead of herself in a way I don't interpret as lovely at all. She's not bring respectful as she's inserting herself into a parenting role for children she doesn't even know.

How about meeting them and getting to know them as their dad's girlfriend before getting enmeshed in their lives?

I think you're being very unreasonable. You must remember that it's about the children. And it sounds like you still have feelings for him, jealous of this woman. I can totally see how it would be really difficult to accept a new women sharing the parenting, if course you didn't want that but when you split up it was inevitable at some stage. They both sound very reasonable to me and you should thank them for that, so many parents cannot do this. You say it's sprung on you, but really it wasn't your business who he was with or in a relationship with if it didn't affect the children, so he's told you when it was going to affect the children. She sounds lovely and very respectful that you are the mother, not her. I really think you need to let this go and try to get along, choose your battles wisely because there are likely to be many along the way...

*being

Your emotions and insecurities are normal: feeling that she might do a better job than you; having to let go of the remote possibility that you and OH might amicably get together again etc.

This new woman is not wanting to be the children's Mum - she is wanting to be sure that she gets things right for the children when she (inevitably) has contact with them; and wanting to try and reassure you.

I think that is all positive, and you perhaps need to work on your feelings so that you can begin to see that. Not easy, I know.

Oh, OP. This is a hard one, and I say that as a mum, a step mum and a former teacher. I genuinely think she is trying to do right by your children. I also genuinely think that you don’t have to meet her if you don’t want — you shouldn’t feel pressurised into it. However, if she’s going to be in your ExDH’s life (and therefore your DC’s life) for a while, you may end up having to interact with her. That’s very different from meeting her, 1:1, though, and I really really really don’t think that’s necessary — especially if you’re not keen. I also think though that some of your parenting no-nos, and I’m trying to say this gently, are about her not your children. What do you realistically expect her to do if your DC wants to come into the bed of the middle of the night? Get up and sleep elsewhere? My youngest DSS used to come into bed with his Dad and me; it didn’t mean he thought of me as his mum. It just meant he wanted comfort from his dad, and I happened to be there… I get that it’s hard but that bit isn’t up to you. And it may feel/be too soon but if she’s a part of your ex’s life, she’ll be a part of your DC’s life too. And difficult as it may be, there’s nothing you can do about that. BUT you will always be their mum and NOTHING she will do will take away from that. So please try not to feel threatened by her. I’ve been in my DSS’s lives for over ten years now and I love them both dearly — but I’m not and never will be their mum. I know that and so do they and so does their mum. It’s hard, I know, but I genuinely think she’s trying to do right by them…

She is trying really hard, too hard tbh, but I think it’s coming from the right place albeit naive. There has to be allowances made for her not being a parent, she hasn’t a clue what she’s getting into.
You don’t sound over him tbh. It sounds like you still see yous as a family, just that he’s living separately and having sex elsewhere. But actually he’s building a family elsewhere and you need to get your head around it.
He told you he was dating, and now he’s told you before introducing his partner to the children. That’s the most he could be expected to do, he didn’t need to keep you updated every step, why would he? They are both trying to be kind and decent and do the right thing.