Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

What like the mum has to you mean?

this OP... reserve judgment as its always better to be on good terms if possible.

He has three kids it’s not feasible that he’ll provide 24/7 supervision to each. It doesn’t take much imagination to think if scenarios where the GF might be alone in a room with the kids, even briefly and need to intervene.

If ever someone intervenes with my kids to protect their well-being or correct them I thank them.

If my child was doing something they shouldn’t and a relative or friend didn’t step in I’d probably say “Why didn’t you say something” I’d find it really odd.

@EmsHugs I don't know the answer but I suspect I would feel the same as you do.

I also get the impression strongly that you aren't over your ex and were hoping there might be a reconciliation?

Apologies if I'm wrong / projecting, because, again, I think this is how I would feel.

I agree this has been sprung upon you.

It's hard because they are doing the right thing by trying to give you control / input asking to meet you to discuss, but it is really just flinging you into a situation you don't want to be in. And I sympathise with that.

I think the crux of it is that they are together, and that's completely outwith your control, and your daughter seeing the photo etc, plus going to gymnastics where the woman works, does suggest it's probably about time they meet soon.

But again, they have only been properly together 5 months. It's not long.

I'd say your options are;

A) say that 5 months is much too soon and you're not comfortable with her meeting and taking this role with your kids. But they may not react well to that and could get off to a bad start (if the relationship lasts)

Or b) Bite the bullet and meet her, and lay out your boundaries really clearly.

That will be easier if you are totally over him though. If not, that is going to be difficult

I think YABU. Maybe the letter is a little over the top but it sounds like she doesn't want to do anything wrong and wants to understand what your rules and boundaries are.

She’s not a relative or a friend. She’s a woman their dad is shagging.

Hmm no she’s becoming part of their lives and will be spending time in their home.

Having read your updates, as you and your ex parent differently you are setting her up to be the bad cop (your rules) rather than good cop (his rules) . This is going to create conflict in the relationship in instances like when she (reasonably) suggests your bedtime and her bf suggests no bedtime. She either parents like you and pisses off her bf or parents like him and annoys you.
She needs to know about any allergies or medical stuff but apart from that I would keep it vague or you're going to look like a controlling ex. You don't have to meet her at all. Send a letter back with thanks for her manners but something like you're sure that she'll find her rhythm with time and remind her that her bf will know details like what cuddly toys are needed at bedtime.
It's very common for separated parents to parallel parent rather than co-parent as long as the basics like sleep, eating, self-care and medication is followed. It sounds like she is being set up to do a lot of the drudgery if she's really interested in learning from you.

Totally agree with this and I don't think you are being unreasonable to be honest, this would annoy me from a woman I hadn't ever met who hadn't yet met my children. She definitely shouldn't be stepping in to parent them from the off, its totally inappropriate, that's what their dad is there for.

She's the dad's girlfriend.
Not someone he picked up on the street.

@Tlolljs they have been dating for a year and official for 6 months

Thats more than a friend. So why is it ok for friends to discipline children but not someone who is closer to the family than said friend?

What is going on with responses like this?? The ex’s gf is a complete stranger to the OP and (right now) her children, it is completely reasonable and sensible to not want a stranger involved with intimate care of young children. This is something which should be built up over a significant amount of time. Also important for children to have their privacy and boundaries respected.

I would take this as a sign that your ex is very important to her. Shes trying her best to follow your rules with the kids, i think thats very sweet. She didnt need to put all that effort in tbh. Yabu.

OP has said she is dad's girlfriend with whom he wants a LTR. Let's not reduce the woman to a sex toy.

She's not a step-parent, she's a recent girlfriend. No need for her to do any parenting or be looking after the children at this point. Getting to know your children should be as far as it goes until they are comfortable with her, and then it's up to your ex to explain the rules.

My DH and his ex have a really high conflict Co-parenting relationship.

My DH didn’t tell her about me she found out by accident. I’d gone on holiday with her son.

Rightly or wrongly DH didn’t want to engage with her about me.

Thats the alternative here so I’d consider the sentiment behind the actions and be grateful this woman respects your role as their Mother.

New partners can't win sometimes

IMO it's far too soon when you aren't divorced yet- any reason for that OP?

Tell her you'll discuss it when you're divorced otherwise she can butt out.

This. She is being respectful of you and the rules and routines you have put in place for your children and it sounds like she wants to do right by the children and you whatever the future for the relationship holds. Better for all concerned and especially the children to have consistency in both homes and I would be delighted that my ex had met someone who was being so respectful and caring of my children’s needs. She sounds lovely and is accepting your kids as being part of the package she gets of she wants a relationship with their father. Meet her with an open mind and if possible heart. I say this as someone who now counts their partners ex wife as their best friend.

YAB MASSIVELY U. What a lovely woman she sounds.

She doesn’t need to do anything though. She won’t be in her own with them. ( shits aside) she doesn’t factor at all.
She’s doing it to look good that’s all.

Op I would feel hugely relieved if someones did thod for me it sounds like she is trying her best and is working hard to ease into this relationship.

May sound extreme but I'm thinking of all the poor dc tortured at the hands of a step parent and all the men and women who just suddenly start parenting someone else's dc with no thought whatever to the mums wants either.

Played dumb and Text ExH that I'm a bit confused, as it sounds like she will be caring for them and where will ExH be got the following response:

Can't predict the future but no, she will not be left caring for them but if I'm with DD and DS refuses to get in the car, there may be times she is left alone. She works with kids, she is very keen that she has mum and dad's preferences.
Look I have asked her straightaway and she said the following:

No hidden agenda, not wanting to play mum but knowing what is acceptable and not to both parents is helpful for me. Likely over thinking but just eant to be prepared. ITell her I primarily deal with children in a school setting, so I naturally or instinctively may give into trouble or caution about things that some parents are fine with and don't bother with also obviously what I deem acceptable in a classroom is different in a home..Don't want to get off on the wrong foot and cause more tantrums and tears.
Let her know I have several god children and honorary nieces and nephews and every friend/parent has a different way of doing things and so I stick with their rules unless there is a risk of actual harm, even if it wouldn'tbe my way of doing things. I know you have your way and we will go with that but i think letting mum have her input should be allowed too. For consistency and to make this as easy as possible on the children and so as not to confuse them I don't want to come and add another way of doing things into the mix And then they go home and EmsHugs is like WTAF. I understand how hard it must be to have new people's in your child's life even when it comes to teacher's/TAs and such so having new people on a more intimate setting must be even harder.
I just wanted to check in and meet face to face, hopefully we can arrange it soon.

Well what is the best way to handle it for the kids?
They don't have the benefit of adult coping skills.

How can you and DH make this separation work out for them with the least amount of worry and emotional investment, guessing games, confusion etc on their part?

Take it from that perspective.

Introduce her as Dad's new friend and then move it along in small manageable chunks they can cope with.

I'd be happy if my exH new girlfriend did something like this, it shows she's trying.