Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

YANBU

I don’t ‘not understand’ your point, I just don’t think it’s an intelligent or credible one.

Just because you've never heard of it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Men get extremely 'shitty' if they suspect they're being usurped by another man. Its surprising how even the least enthusiastic of fathers start getting very territorial when a new boyfriend arrives on the scene.

As far as ground rules i would keep it simple with routine (eg bed times, meal times adding a caveat that this isn't set in stone but to give her an idea), any particular house rules eg hot chocolate is only allowed on weekends or crisps only after swimming (each household has their own rules what's yours), add you would prefer that your dd doesn't cosleep with her (do say it isn't because you don't trust her, it's just it doesn't feel right to you) beyond that thank her for being friendly and asking for your input, you appreciate it.

She didn't have to reach out, it's far better to maintain a line of communication because if this does become permanent you will be interacting for years to come

Well actually yes, she can complain if an adult is failing to maintain appropriate boundaries with her children. She isn’t responsible for the outcome of not teaching an unknown adult what those boundaries are. Do you think this girlfriend asks all the parents of the children she teaches for a list of what they consider appropriate and inappropriate behaviours at the start of each year? If not, why not?

It's an awful situation to be in for all involved, I've been there myself. I remember worrying about being replaced, which didn't happen btw.
It almost sounds like this is too much too soon for you, even though this person is trying her very best to put you at ease.
I'm sure you'll all figure this out together. It's bound to be quite rocky to begin with before you start to get used to the new normal.

She’s not interested in the children! She’s being sweet as pie to show off to the new boyfriend. And anyone else who listens.
@SpideyWoman1 nobody gets to discipline my children. I would prefer her not to do any activities cause I would prefer her to keep the fuck away from my kids and stop using them to score brownie points.

I don't think you need to engage in a conversation with her about parenting. She will not be taking on a parenting role as they have a father for that. He shouldn't be deferring any parenting to her, certainly not until the DC know her really well and she's been in their lives a long time and settled.

But it's definitely not too soon for him to be dating and it sounds like he has a great plan for introducing her over a few occasions. So I think you just need to let them get on with it and present a united front so your DC know that you and their dad have their best interests at heart, whatever might happen.

@Tlolljs holy projection Batman

I’m going against the grain here, so therefore I accept that I’m probably BU, but I hear you, OP. Her approach feels odd and like overstepping to me. I am not a step parent, and my children don’t have a step parent, so I have no skin in this game. She just sounds like one of those people who will post loads of photos of themselves and DH being Disney parents. I also don’t see why the DCs Dad can’t answer all her questions.

Honestly? Pretend she’s a nanny you’re employing and answer her questions honestly.
You’re understandably upset because your ex has replaced you in his own family set up. But in your kids’ eyes you will never be replaced. So imagine her as a nanny that your ex is employing and think about what things might really piss you off if they were done/not done. Keep it simple because your ex might not do things exactly the same as you and it’ll just create unnecessary conflict if you’re trying to micromanage how ex’s gf behaves. But if there’s anything that’s a big deal to you that you would talk to a babysitter about before using them - tell her.

She can't do right for doing wrong eh?
If she did something you didn't like you'd be on it like a ton of bricks.
She's asked you nicely how you want situations to be handled, giving you a chance to have your voice heard and the kids to have a consistent routine and you are pissd off.
To be honest I respect her for considering your views.

@Tlolljs

Weird take.

If my child is behaving and I am not present, any adult can “discipline” her.

We’re not talking about corporal punishment here are we, we’re talking “no, don’t do that”.

^isn’t not is

YANBU. A girlfriend of five months inserting herself as a Co-parent? Far too much too soon. My response would be "they have a perfectly capable dad so there are no expectations from you".

there has been no mention of this woman up u till today

With respect, that's because it isn't your business

If you don’t like the kids being on social media for example, tell her that! Phrase it as preferring the kids don’t have their photo on public websites before they are old enough to consent themselves. So you prefer to send photos directly to friends and family rather than post publicly instagram etc.

I don’t expect she’s shagging all her students Dads either.

I don't honestly see a problem with this- it might be a bit intense but surely better than the other way? The step families I know which work best is when there's a ton of conversation.

@MiddleParking when was the last time you had a child start school!

Our local primary ask parents what their home boundaries are, what consequences they use and that their children engage with, what routines they follow etc.

so it’s quite possible she asks the parents of the kids she teaches these things.

Exactly.

Cut this woman some slack please. She knows that she will have to be involved with the children (as she is coupled with your ex) and wants to get things right for everybody. And this makes you cross?!

How much worse it would be if she just waded in regardless of your opinions and wishes. As it is you can be reassured that she is sensitive to your needs and the children's needs. How is that wrong on any way?

Well presumably the dad can say no don’t do that@SemperIdem and no projection from me@Fabshab mine are all grown.
She doesn’t need to do anything that’s what her dad is for.

I think she sounds like a really respectful, lovely lady. And I have no idea why you wouldn't want her to take your kids swimming, or help them with the toilet. She's not just a random woman. I have got 6 year olds and I am so so careful but if me and their dad split up and he got a new long term girlfriend I wouldn't write her a list of things she can't do!

@Tlolljs you think the dad will be next to them every minute of every day?

Gosh that’s wild

Imagine getting funny with someone asking your kid not to do something when they’re taking a shit.