Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

As for the bizarre replies on this thread.... A lot of ppl.on here seem to be second wives and partners and step parents .... And/or introduce people to their kids far too soon. That presumably explains the fact the posts haven't mostly said "tell her to wind her neck in/ignore her, and tell your ex to parent appropriately... Which is not passing on novels from his new gf about co-parenting. He's very immature.

Wow. You know loads.

I think posters just have a different opinion to you.

"Bizarre" I know.

She sounds nothing of the sort 🙄

It’s unsettling when another woman comes into the picture but from experience life is so much easier for you and the kids if you get on with the new gf, she sounds like she’s trying to do right by you and the kids .. as long as you have no feelings for your ex or jealousy you may even end up liking her. I love my dds step mum and prefer dealing with her over my ex .. I could not ask for a better woman to help raise my daughter who adores her too and they have recently had a baby so she’s given my DD the little sister she’s always wanted. Step mums can be amazing, don’t be too quick to judge her.

Yikes the responses on this thread!!!! WTH.

OP YANBU!! She sounds like she has no boundaries and she’s massively overstepping. Don’t entertain it. Be friendly and say that you are happy for your ex and her etc and congrats on their relationship and you appreciate the kindness extended to your kids, but you want to make it very clear that your coparenting relationship is with your ex and you don’t expect her to be involved in parenting at this stage, that would obviously be highly inappropriate, etc.

This ^ is sound common sense.

I think that’s a great approach from her. Can you meet and talk it over face to face? How lovely for the children that she wants so much to get it right and seems keen to support you and your ex with Co-parenting. Embrace it. You don’t have to like each other, your children don’t have to like her, but they DO have to be polite, and the best you can do for them is to give your blessing to them forming warm and positive relationships with good people.

Only time will tell just how good she is, but be nice and welcome these initial good intentions.

Yes, I see why so many posters are saying she’s trying her best etc etc…but it sounds a bit weird, too trying-too-hard, a bit desperate. Just tell her not to worry and you expect their father to ‘parent’ your children.
And the expressions ‘co-parent’ and ‘parenting’ I find so bleurgh 🤮

Why would she ask you all if this? I don’t think she’s trying to be at all - I think she’s letting you know that she intends to be your equal. All of these questions could surely h as ve been answered by ExDH. I would just say that he knows the routines, it’s a no way to ear-piercing, hair cutting etc and that at the moment you are disinclined to meet her. To those saying you are being mean, you are not, you are human, and this hurts.

YABU being a stepmum is the hardest, shittiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m 10 years in, 5 more to go until the last can fly the nest. Be grateful she’s taking the time to try and communicate with you and find out about how you parent and what routines the kids have. If only me and birth mother had managed to communicate in the first 9 years instead of this year things may well have been easier and the kids would’ve turned out much better. Unfortunately birth mum and I couldn’t communicate without fighting as we both had very different parenting ideas. In the end I’ve washed my hands and will do the basics for the kids (now teens) but apart from that they’re now nachos to me.

Yabu she's dammed if she does and dammed if she doesn't!!

The 1950s called. They wanted to know when your ex is coming back.

When parents split up, the dad and mum are independently responsible for parenting standards at their homes. You do not approve, direct, or otherwise get involved in what goes on at his house and vice versa. Unless of course the kids are not looked after, mistreated, etc.

He is their dad - it is up to HIM to train his new girlfriend in how the children are looked after in HIS care. Even if she was to have them on her own in the future, it’s on him.

Worst case scenario, this is laying the ground for everyone getting involved in what happens in your house in the future and this feels a bit controlling if I’m honest. It’s like he’s outsourcing the mothering role to her already and she’s keen to impress him (this is not about you). How Victorian! Even if he marries her and they’re together for 80 years, you will always be mum and he will always be dad. If she as an addition to his life is a kind and lovely person in your kids life then great but I really don’t feel like this is appropriate or healthy.

When you start dating in the future, I can guarantee you that no man worth introducing to your kids will be happy with having to pass your ex’s (and by that time, likely hers) approval process.

Be careful about laying the foundations for your future coparenting. I’d say thanks for the offer but you trust him to make the right decisions about who and what in the time he has the kids and keep a healthy distance from their new situation.

Best of luck.

I was in this situation with my husbands ex when we first started dating and nothing I could do was good enough. I appreciate its a hard situation for you to be in but I think she is doing everything she can to accommodate you and give you respect as their mum. I think YABU and she just seems like she's trying hard to build a good foundation to a relationship with you and the kids.

If you have concerns about when the relationship started ect that's for you to discuss with your ex and not take out on her.

I think you should be grateful she’s gone to this much effort to show you respect and to assure the children feel a home from home experience tbh!
not every person who gets a partner with children are this nice, some can treat them not very nicely and can openly try and exclude there step children from the perfect little family.

alot of women I have also seen can actually be jealous of the time there partner dedicates to there children.

you need to stop being so harsh, although I think your judgement is clouded because to me it looks like you still have feelings for your ex? You need to focus on yourself/children and accept there is a change now.

I think it’s great that she wants to know what boundaries there are so she doesn’t overstep in anyway! If it doesn’t work between them then yes, next time you can say “nope I don’t want things happening to soon” however, he’s clearly been speaking to her/seeing her for a while now and your ex clearly feels confident in her ability to be around the children.

when I got with my husband the first thing I looked for was how he bonded with my son, did my son like him? Was he a good influence etc, he ticked all the boxes and was perfect with him!

givemeasunnyday · Today 19:41

YABU, and I think you sound bitter and jealous

I think she sounds normal and human, you, on the other hand…

Oh wow this is also completely inappropriate!!!

OP this is why she never should have opened this conversation and you should not entertain it. It’s really important in this situation to have boundaries on both sides, at least until you get to know each other better and there is a basis of familiarity and trust on which to start building more communication.
For now I suggest you respond with kindness and make it clear you respect her relationship with your ex and that she will be meeting your children, but that you will continue to coparent/ communicate through your ex at least until things become much more established.

I think you need to separate how your ex-DH has dealt with the situation, telling you about his GF and wanting her to meet the kids from her desire to ensure you are comfortable with her being involved in the children’s lives.
It sounds like all she is trying to do is ensure consistency and be really sure you are happy with how she will be involved. See what she is doing for what it is in isolation and deal with your ex-DH outside of that. She sounds like she is very respectful and you can’t really ask for much more. Honestly, I think you’ve hit the jackpot and long may it continue. You could have got someone who have no shits about our opinions and actively tries to drive a wedge.

It sounds like he has downplayed the seriousness of their relationship quite a bit which is why it feels a little weird. To you it's a new relationship and probably not serious yet so it comes across as a bit too much but he likely had been telling her he is very serious about her for sometime. So with this in mind and with her not having children she has probably googled how-to be a good step mum or how to get on with partners ex/Co parent. It seems quite sweet from her part but I think it is his actions and his way of presenting her to you that has made it feel weird. I think you should meet her and answer all her questions so you have firm boundaries set from the beginning.

I'd say thanks for your consideration and for reaching out, I'm pleased that Ex is moving on and making a new life for himself, he deserves to be happy.

I'd add that I'm happy for her to follow ex's lead, but please don't spoil the kids regularly with treats and things because they become accustomed to it and then it makes me become the bad guy in their eyes and that's a dynamic that is only going to cause problems down the road. Scheduling and picking up after classes.on days that aren't yours really aren't your business, but that you're grateful for her consideration.

I'd prefer that the kids personal care and emotional well-being is done primarily by their father at least until they're sure on their relationship as 6 months is still fairly early days. It would be horrible for the kids to bond hard and fast and then for it all to go south. But that your sure that they're very happy and that you don't expect that to happen- just more of a worst case scenario type thing.

I'd also say that I appreciate her keeping lines of communication open, that it's a tricky thing to navigate and that if you can all work together with the benefit of the kids in mind that would be the best outcome for everyone.

The reason I wouldn't give too many specifics is because maybe one day the shoe will be on the other foot and realistically how much control do you want your ex to have over what happens in your household?

@Tandora

Did you see the 2nd draft?

@EmsHugs rarely is it ever easy for a mother to accept that another woman will be taking the reins ( or at least one of them ) regarding the care & welfare of their child/children nor for a woman stepping into a mother's shoes.

I was the former a good few years back and remember the overwhelming feelings of uncertainty, anxiety and possible jealousy when I learned that my ex would be introducing my children to his new partner. I felt more comfortable once the kids had met her and seemed content with their new normal - I didn't interact with her at all because I didn't get along with my ex. Fast forward around a year and the bottom fell out of my world...it turned out my b**tard ex and his sidekick had been abusing my babies...he was found guilty in court and I now have sole custody thank god. I'm not telling you any of this to worry you - this is just our story unfortunately.

Time will tell if this woman has your children's best interests at heart and if she does your children will have an extra someone in their lives who loves them - this is definitely the way I would have preferred my children's situation to have went now that I have seen the other ' side '. At this point in time though I would be making it clear that no parental responsibilities fall at her feet and you would expect Dad to be dealing with that side of things for the time being x

Sorry you and your kids had to experience this - that is awful. But don’t think you could have prevented that and she could have been keen as mustard like OP describes. There is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened, so I hope you do not blame yourself.

Yes just saw it. It’s obviously much much much a million times better than the first. However I’m still not sure about this line:

”however It would be good to meet you and ExH before you meet the kids and just go over a few things”.

I think the coparenting relationship really does need to stay with exh for now and that needs to be made v clear on both sides. Meeting up sounds ok/ healthy though , but more just to get a sense of who she is as a person and so OP (hopefully!) feels comfortable she’s a safe person for the kids to be around etc., and to get generally keep things friendly on both sides…

Much rather this than someone ignoring you and your wishes. Its a hard job to be the dads girlfriend. Honestly think she is being respectful.

I think you are right in that it is totally OTT of her and him to give you the letter. Also worrying that she expects to be involved with any of this especially at this stage in their relationship. If she really wants a meaningful dialogue about this then you could tell her that you don't agree that they should meet yet and don't want her involvement with the parenting. No idea how you could put that politely

Too much too soon. He and her are busy building a castle in the sky and convincing everyone and themselves how wonderful their new relationship is. It’s got feck all to do with the kids or what OP thinks. It’s a show.