Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

I wouldn't reply and would tell ex to answer her Qs.

What? She's a complete stranger who has no idea of boundaries! She hasn't even met the children. Her approach is wholly inappropriate.

This.

This is crazy behaviour.

It shouldn't be indulged.

Op's ex needs to get a grip.

He's introducing her to kids far too early as well, poor kids.

The thing is, OP undermined the notion that the GF was wrong to send her this message by drafting a response with a huge lists of rules and demands. Personally I don't think the GF should expect involvement with OP and I don't think OP should have expected to set her a load of rules, but they both did.

How immensely upsetting.
There’s at least two things going on here.
Firstly, there’s naturally going to be feelings of hurt at the realisation that he has found someone serious. Secondly, it seems socially weird to quiz YOU on child habits and routines when she can ask your husband.
You have to think with your head not your heart here. Send a response something like this to your ex-husband.

”I trust your choice of partner but it’s too weird for me to want to spend time with her before she meets the kids. You were hands on enough to know their routines. Give me a bit longer (and yourself) and l’ll be ready to meet her in time.”

Time is a great healer. It’s over with him and he’s moved on. Accept and do some you things.

👌🏻 this (and I say that as a step parent for over 10 years). I did meet my DH ex partner at her request as she wanted to know who would be around her son (fair enough). I also allowed her to view my home (yes, mine) before he had an overnight although ai felt this was overstepping the mark as he was his father’s responsibility whilst in his care!

Anyway, by the by, the information she wants is information your ex can give her as their Father!

We do almost everything together on the weekends and I treat SS like he is mine to all intent and purpose, but only very occasionally I may have SS12 on my own if his dad has to work a couple of hours here or there, but my DH wants to spend time with his son whilst he is here, that’s the bottom line so we agree things together or he will contact SS mum if they need to cover anything off.

I have occasional contact with her for basic bits and bibs (like having SS for my brothers wedding this year), but it’s rare. Don’t get me wrong, we get in well enough and chat on the doorstep at pick up and drop off, it’s just not really my place even 10 years later.

To me she sounds like a god send.

my friends have nightmare witch women barking orders or ignoring step kids.
sounds like she’s trying to adhere to your rules, ok they’ve only been dating a couple of months so some may think she is a bit eager, but I’d take that over what I’ve seen.

YABU on the face of it she is trying to do the right thing.

YABU.
Don't waste this opportunity for the sake of your kids.
She's showing respect for you, intent of being a positive presence in your kids life and offering you the opportunity to get to know her.
All these things are rare but valuable.
Take it and don't regret.

I personally feel that meeting your children after five months is way to soon. She is trying hard to respect you, but if she and your ex split up 6 months down the road, your children will suffer. A friends daughter has had three 10 month relationships and all of them have involved her daughter who is only 6. The child said to grandma oh blimey whose mummy got in tow this time. Out of the mouths of babes.

Sorry, but I also think YABVU. She's in a no win situation - you're going to hate your children going out with her and having a good time, you'll also hate it when they tell you how much fun they've had, and how nice so and so is ..... that's understandable, but the alternative (if she's unpleasant to them) is worse. She's really trying to do what's right by the children, and more importantly, you. Give her a chance. You don't have to love her, but it'll be nicer for the kiddies if they do. You're their mum - no one will ever replace you, don't worry about that!

I was the child in this situation once, my Stepmum was involved in the affair that led to my parents divorce when I was three so my mum was very bitter towards her in the beginning. There were certain rules she had to follow, I heard many discussions about the tiniest details of all of these, including no help dressing etc.

There was a time when I was about 6 and we'd all gone on holiday, my dad, sister, step mum, step sister and step mums family and we were all on the way back from the beach when I couldn't wait for the toilet and soiled myself. I was so embarrassed and knew my dad would be cross (he was very angry back then..) if he found out. My step mum could tell so she tried to help me without breaking the rules my mum had set which was really hard, I sat in my own mess for ages while she tried to figure out a way to help me but could have been over and done with in 5 minutes if she wasn't trying so hard to not cause any ructions - I know my situation was different as my dad scared the living daylights out of me as a kid, I don't know why as he was never loud, drunk or violent but my step mum made the visits much more bearable.

It does sound like its too soon for her to be thinking like this and she shouldn't need to worry about any of those things if ExH is around as he should handle all of that but giving them that kind of clear guidelines certainly helps stop you feeling uncomfortable and upset when the kids inevitably come back from staying with their dad saying "Dad's gf helped me in the bath today" or "Dad, his gf and us 2 had a lovely snuggle in bed reading this morning" which is what used to break my mums heart ❤️

Absolutely not, I am a partner of someone with a ten year old been together 3 years and have our own child but I still don’t discipline him not that he ever needs it but Jesus Christ. I don’t have nothing to do with anything apart from what the child wants me to be part of and asks me for. This woman needs to know she has no right and everything like that is down to you and his dad as parents. Including bed time. It’s way to soon for all this and it really needs to be on the kids terms.

I am suprised you are getting so many YABU if I am honest.

I think your reaction is natural. The email is waay too much for dating 5 months and with you only just being told about her, this would put my back straight up. Asking to meet you first is a nice gesture. the rest is waaay OTT from someone who hasnt even met the kids yet, wanted to work out a co-parenting strategy before even meeting them is...off.

The generous view, she has the best intentions, and is trying to be respectful and just went in a bit heavy handed. Though the cynical side of me would wonder if she was trying to let you know they are serious and she is in it for long haul!

I think your feelings are understandable and in your shoes, I would just brush it off, agree to the meet and ignore the rest until after, you will soon get a feel for whether she was just trying a bit too hard, but with the best of intentions.

YABU - she's trying to make sure she understands what is normal for your kids. She is showing you respect.
Unlike my exh's gf who gave my 14 year old daughter gin. Think yourself lucky.

Could you dial this back a bit. It sounds like she is making an effort- maybe too much and for whatever reason? Could you say thanks for having the consideration to think about these things but it is really up to you and my ex (as a very hands on dad) to look after the kids when they are with you. I'm sure they will love the trips and if there are any issues we can deal with them as they arise.

Also I think it is ok for you to still be upset.

If it is about consistency- bedtimes etc. just say what they are on a normal day. 5 months is quite quick, but it is what it is... You don't sound bitter- maybe a bit wrong footed by someone presenting you with all these questions about parenting when you have been probably (like everyone else making it up as you go along unless you are one of those scary super organised people. :)

What makes you think she wants a ready made family? If she hasn't got children it's reasonable to assume that's because she didn't want any.

My husband's ex thought the very same thing about me when we first met: we laugh about it now, particularly when the children are being utter nobs and she can't wait to be rid

Give her a break - you may actually like her when you meet.

I met my husband's children after six months. I met their mother before meeting them. Nothing in it for me other than to make sure she was comfortable with her children being around me.

Which she was and still is.

There is a teeny wee voice in my head that is probably scared she will be better at dealing with my children than I am

You'll always be their mum even if she's Mary Poppins your relationship with them will always be different.

Your last draft sounds good to me to be honest.

YABU sorry!

She sounds lovely and considerate and responsible. She will probably be a good influence in your children’s lives. It’s better for everyone if their relationship is stable. She sounds to be everything you would want in a potential stepmum for your kids.

I’m not sure about your letter - it sounds a bit cold and controlling, and does read like a contract for hired help! I think you could trust her judgement. No point being so honed in on details - no movies, don’t buy anything for them?!

I would say ‘thank you for your letter, it would be good to meet you.’

YABU, and I think you sound bitter and jealous.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. This has me wound up on your behalf.

Christ she just needs to meet and be pleasant the first time.

Hopefully she's way off being a step mum when these things "might" matter.

I find it intrusive tbh!

OP, I can understand this has taken you aback and your shortened reply is spot on.

I think her approach is considerate and recognises your role and status as your DCs mother. It would seem she has been connected to your Ex a bit longer than you thought and with the festive season coming along soon it appears a natural time for gentle introductions.

I would try to see this as a positive thing for you and your DCs. By doing so and being seen by the DCs to accept her with good grace will help your DCs overcome any conflicts of loyalties and hopefully avoid too many opportunities for them to play each parent off against the other.

Good people that care about our children and uphold healthy boundaries are rare. Your DCs will always know you are their mum and love you; let them enjoy the company of other people who care about them without being anxious that would upset you.

I don’t think a ready made family is what people think it is? It’s way easier to have your own kids than get involved with kids who have 2 parents. The term ‘ready made family’ is the opposite to what people make out like it is. Just FYI…

I think she is being thoughtful. It's a daunting thing meeting your partners children and she just wants to get it right.