Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

She is overstepping respectful boundaries which has obviously made you uncomfortable.
My ex's new gf did this to me, came to my house uninvited to discuss my child's behaviour, then used his Facebook to send me messages. He told me she was very upset I didn't want to be her friend.
I'd never met her and had zero issue until she was at my door telling me she needed to speak to me.
If someone genuinely wants a positive relationship they will be respectful and not force themselves on to others.
In this case though she may be a bit misguided so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and reply with a friendly message just letting her know your ex can fill her in.

She sounds lovely. She wants to know how you do things so she doesn’t upset you, totally considering your feelings so she doesn’t overstep the mark.
As a woman who had step kids before I had my own kids, believe me women don’t really want ready made families, they are just hassle 😂😂 but if you love someone enough you will try your best to make their kids happy simple. You should give her a chance.

She sounds a bit OTT but that's not a bad thing if she's trying to do the right thing. Im not sure I'd request all that info if I was in a relationship with somebody with kids. Id probably start by taking them out for the day to get to know them.

I can completely see why this would get under your skin. It would me, especially with something as personal as your kids. I think it could be a lot worse in that she could have just felt she had carte blanche to do as she pleased now she’s with him - I’d maybe not meet her if that’s a bit creepy right now but perhaps have a phone conversation with her if you feel like.

I didn’t vote either way as it’s a tough one. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all but I don’t want to be unfair on her, it sounds like she has put a lot of thought into ‘getting it right’ and has gone way OTT in my opinion. Definitely too much too soon anyway. Like she doesn’t need to know the bedtime routine in advance of her first time meeting the children, that’s overkill. She should t be putting them to bed till she’s met them a good few times… like even if she is present in the house it still should be their dad putting them to bed for the time being, until such a stage (months away imo) that they might ask for her instead and by that time she would have gleaned the info from him anyway. Same goes for discipline, she should not be in charge of this until she is a regular fixture in his house and at which stage it would be apparent.
What age is she? Just curious…
I would agree to meet her but more in a casual cuppa tea, getting to know each other kind of way. Whether this is a long term relationship or not she is going to be in your children’s life so it would be ideal to get along. To be fair to her, it does sound like she’s trying… at this stage anyway 😅

I would explain what your expectations are and meet her and see what she is like. She sounds like she is trying and it can be hard on you both.

I think she is overstepping. She's not taking over as a parent. She's just meeting them. It's perfectly fine to let their Father put them to bed and discipline them.

I was a stepmum and completely adored them. Had fun with them, baked cakes, cuddled them if they were crying - but I wasn't their Mum or Dad.

They chose bedtimes and discipline and I was a bit part actor who loved them to bits but understood I wasn't their Mum.

Unless she lives with your exDH she doesn't need to be involved in any childcare or any sort, and once at that point she should be much more involved but she's really going OTT

Please do not post a response unless you have read all my posts.
My exH is an excellent parent and is not being weak to the Gf.
The GF does not have an agenda but just has not benefitted from me finding out about her and getting a letter from her on the same day.
I didn't send the long letter it was more a draft/rant
I have drafted a shorter second response and will likely send that.
I wish to meet the person who will be spending tike particularly with my 3 year old.
One DD's friends goes tot he school she teaches at and apparently she is great and very well liked by kids and parents.
Thank you to those who have responded constructively
Some of you are bat shit crazy I am afraid.

You should count yourself lucky that A, she’s actually interested in your children’s needs and has the decency to want to liaise with you and B she’s not trying to pull your exH away from his kids. I know I’d rather not deal with someone else’s kids.

My DP has a vile step mum who was nothing but evil during his teens, she was the OW and you can really smell it on her iykwim, she’s absolutely hideous truly insidious, yet FIL thinks she’s the dogs bollocks, he’s equally as grotesque too, but my point is bad step parents have a lasting effect, embrace this decent one.

You should accept he’s moved on, for the sake of your DC be nice and encourage a great relationship with a new potential step mum, the alternative can be an utter nightmare.

Yes, she is overstepping. She doesn’t need to discipline your children or put them to bed. They have a father for that.
At this point she can socialise with them, but any proxy parenting questions are out of line.

But she's not getting right is she? She's completely getting ahead of herself which is not in anyones best interests, not the OPs, not her own and certainly not the kids best interests.

She's equating being introduced to them as meaning that she's their stepmum and is asking for a rundown on how to parent the children 😂

Trying to be thoughtful....possibly....but she missed the mark.

She sounds lovely and very considerate.
Sorry op l know it must be hard but try and put your personal feelings aside.

YABU

You dont come across as jealous to me OP. Her behaviour comes across as an absolute power play to me; she's letting you know she's planning on taking a parenting role i your children's lives, and giving you a chance to express your views on how she does it. I wouldn't like it one little bit. She's overstepping, big time. She's not a step parent, she's their dads new girlfriend. I'm willing to bet she orchestrates all kinds of situations to play at stepmom. I would laugh it off and tell her her questions are really inappropriate until she has a much more established relationship with their father, and that all parenting issues are between you and him, not you and her.

I wouldn't like her doing the things you have suggested you are worried about too, but whilst the kids are in his care, you don't really have any power to stop them happening, so best not to dwell on them. It really sounds like she is making a bit of a project about your family. See how she rides out the reality of two small kids. I bet the novelty wears off quickly!

Wasn't sure which way this was gonna go by your first post but you actually sound really quite balanced and fair.

I will warn you the hive mind won't like you not slating your ex as a dad or his new gf. Some people can't step outside their own narrative.I disagreed with people on here slating my exs new wife and it really rattled a few cages 😵‍💫 god knows why.

Well done op. I think your on the right track to a easy going co parenting path.

She’s obviously massively overthinking all this and wants a list of do and don’t which isn’t how real life with kids works! Your first response was way too detailed. These things will arise naturally and your second response is much better.

For what it’s worth, I’m a step-mum and we took lots of our cues from my DSD. She was two when I met her and we let toileting, changing, co-sleeping etc happen on her terms. She initially went to only her Dad for these things (obviously!) but as she began to see me more often and trust me etc she would want me more involved eg to play with her at bath time, help put her to bed, etc. I married her Dad when she was 5 (now 9) and letting things occur naturally on the child’s terms has been much more realistic than a dictated list of “rules” IMO.

Whilst I can see how raw this is for you OP and how this Gf is barrelling in, full steam, on the kids front. I still can't get away from the feeling that she wants to do the right thing.

She has many things to recommend her and I admire your honesty that you seem to recognise that.

I can't also get past the feeling that many posters on here almost want you to fall out with her. OK her approach isn't perfect, but there are lots of positives. And if trying is wrong, would not trying at all, be better?

It's in your children's best interests all round for you to make this work. And you seem to be taking that on board. She might be ahead of herself here, but it could be so, so much worse. Can you imagine?

I bet she turns out to be a very detail orientated person. And a planner . That's why she approached meeting your kids like this. I really don't buy into the whole " oh she wants an instant family ..." Yeah I mean who does?

Cant believe all the people slagging her off! If she hasn't got kids of her own she's probably really worried about getting it wrong. And PPs who say exH will be doing all the work don't live in the real world!

You may or may not be regretting the breakup, but I'd say meet her halfway and talk things through, and be grateful she's planning to do her best for your DCs.

My exH is an excellent parent and is not being weak to the Gf

He's introducing his kids, after leaving their original family unit, to a new gf far too soon. And not even in a casual way, but significant days out and trips away. Things you'd do as a family.

He's presumably the one who thought it appropriate to pass this "request" on to you.

It's very inappropriate. One can only guess at his thinking - caught up in his new relationship was the best guess.

Thinking this does not make anyone "batshit".

Just because she sounds lovely and considerate doesn't mean that she didn't get it wrong.

This is not a situation for example where someone buys what they think is a considerate gift and the other person takes a little offence but should just accept the gift and say thank you.

This is a situation where a new girlfriend is asking how to parent the kids she hasn't even met yet and seems to assume she'll be taking on the role as parent from day 1. It's too much, too soon and not in the kids best interests....and she should know that.

OPs personal feelings shouldn't be put aside, because OPs personal feelings are not wrong in any way. I feel like there's a bit of collective gaslighting going on here with people trying to make out that the new girlfriends approach is great and ignoring how weird it is.

If a new girlfriend approached me acting like I needed to get up to speed on how to parent my kids because she was now their new stepmother I'd think it was weird as fuck.

If a new girlfriend approached me asking if there was anything she should keep in mind when she met them or was getting to know them or anything that was a no/no such as gifts/treats etc. I would very much appreciate that and think she was great to ask.

As the relationship with the kids progressed and her role in the kids lives increased then at that point if we had another discussion about rules/discipline etc then I would appreciate that too and think she obviously understood boundaries and would be very happy to ask.

But before she's even met the kids??? Batshit

Given the numbers of mothers on here that I've seen totaIIy (and rightfuIIy) outraged that their ex's new partner does/aIIows things that she wouId NEVER do/aIIow, I'm shocked at the number of responses saying that she is over-stepping. It seems to me that she is trying very hard NOT to overstep here. I know this is difficuIt for you, but it is probabIy very good for your chiIdren, that there is a continuity in how Iife is handIed from home to home, and that the two of you are in accord on how your chiIdren are being raised when they are with their father.

IF your ex shouId marry this woman, a good reIationship (or at Ieast a decent working reIationship) between the two of you is going to do nothing but good for your DCs. Gird up your Ioins, meet with her, and be as cordiaI as you can manage.

One thing I wouId insist on, and do this firmIy but niceIy, is that aII discipline be handIed by your ex, or referred to you.

Well I think that your response is fine @EmsHugs

Her letter in the first place, given that she is (officially....hmmm) a new girlfriend only rather than an actual fully fledged step parent, was completely OTT and ridiculous. But your letter has answered kind for kind, and given her what she has asked for....your rules!

How she takes that remains to be seen but the simple fact is, she asked a (batshit imo) question so you have answered it. I see no problem with that.

She is trying to set up a civil and amicable arrangement and you are looking for an excuse why you shouldn't meet her part way

Different strokes for different folks eh? As a possible future step parent she will be fucked anyway.
Op needs to tell her ex if she feels the new gf is oversteppping. Nice to be labelled a gaslighter for saying how l would deal with this!

She is trying to set up a civil and amicable arrangement

She's got a screw loose for sending a letter to the not even ex wife of her bf of only 4/5 months "requesting" details of how to parent their kids before even meeting them.

And he's got a screw loose for introducing his young kids to a woman he's been seeing for only 4/5 months, when he's not even divorced from their Mum, was still involved with her less than 18 months ago, only left the family home 18 months ago (presumably) etc.

And this isn't even "walk/cafe" etc., This is family type outings to pumpkin patches and Lapland trips.

He's also got a screw loose for passing on this letter.

I don't know why the thread title says ex H, he's not.

I do have to wonder how he'd feel if op was doing this, and he'd been given a letter like this from ops new boyfriend.