Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

Bit late to the replies but I think her asking you is both not that awful and in a way, really awful. It’s good she wants a solid idea about how the kids are parented and obviously wants to make sure she’s not coming into this with an angry ex wife thinking she’s going to play ‘mum’ off the bat.

It is worrying that she’s already seeing you as ‘default’ parent. Your ex sounds like he’s got his part in the equal parenting down (from what’s being said) so there’s something really off about her being so very serious about how she’s approached you about the day to day parenting. Does she not think your ex can ‘show her the ropes’ or is it genuinely a misguided attempt at trying to show you she’s not trying to overstep the mark?

I see your response isn’t giving any indication of parenting style from your side. I’d stick to it as much as possible. She really may be just trying to be respectful, but just in case I’d certainly just keep it neutral as much as possible going forward. Information is a weapon in the wrong hands, and I’d not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary at this moment.

This is good advice.

I still think there is something very off about a teacher in her late 30's, a new girlfriend, thinking it's even remotely OK to contact OP about children she's never met. I still think it's goady and I am not getting the vibe that she is trying to be respectful. I still think she's trying to insert herself and make her presence felt. I also wouldn't be responding to her at all.

I still think she's trying to insert herself and make her presence felt. I also wouldn't be responding to her at all.

Not goady at all.

I'm glad you've taken on board feedback on your draft at 18:59 as that clearly was completely ridiculous.

Your 2nd draft is so much better.
I am so glad you have listened to people.

I'd reply saying thankyou for her letter, but that you just want her to treat your children well and support your ex husband in the way he parents when the children are with him. And say you'd like to meet her one day. Keep it short and polite.

I wouldn't give specific details about bedtimes or how they should be disciplined as that is almost giving her permission to start parenting your children in those ways and she is not a parent.

Are people mad!? It's been five or six months of dating. She's not a step mum, she is the girlfriend of the dad, for now.
Why doesn't the dad know the answers to her burning questions? Why does she need to get involved in the children's bedtime routine and parenting boundaries.
Fair enough if their dad wants to introduce the girlfriend but that's a discussion between him and the children's mum.
These are questions a nanny would be asking. She clearly wants to be a move in stepmum straight off. She would have no right implementing consequences to the children for what ever reason and no right forcing herself into their lives like that.
Your not comfortable with it op, don't ignore your boundaries.

I’m revising my answer to - she seems very over the top.

Did your ex know she was going to send this?

100% agree.

Also agree with this:

I still think there is something very off about a teacher in her late 30's, a new girlfriend, thinking it's even remotely OK to contact OP about children she's never met. I still think it's goady and I am not getting the vibe that she is trying to be respectful. I still think she's trying to insert herself and make her presence felt. I also wouldn't be responding to her at all.

Goady is the word I was looking for.

She isn’t their stepmum though, is she? She’s never even met them. A trip to Lapland doesn’t give her the right to discipline the children and do their bedtime routine. It’s very, very weird.

And while they think this will be a long-term relationship, they cannot possibly know after such a short time. It’s only been 5 months! My teen DD has had longer relationships.

To be inserting herself as step mum and asking about discipline and bedtimes is totally overstepping the mark, disrespectful and yes - I absolutely question her motives.

I’ve seen this all before more than once and guess what? The relationships didn’t last and it was all for nothing.

Trust your instinct OP. They’re your kids.

Don’t start writing letters back.

Just reply to your exH

“Thank X for their letter.
It would be good to meet, if possible before she meets the kids.
When is she free”

I've read it as they've been dating for about a year but it's only now that OP has found out about her and that she's going to meet the kids.

Elaborate?

Perfect 👍

I'm very glad you've skimmed your letter down, she sounds like she'd probably put up with the longer one but honestly I was reading it thinking "fucking hell." It was way too controlling.

I think you need to let go of a lot of things, particularly all the stipulations about intimate care. Given anyone looking after the kids would have to do all those things and she is in a position of trust with their dad, it makes you sound a bit nuts. You can't meet everyone they will ever be introduced to, either, and you shouldn't need to if you trust their dad. From the general tone of that whole message and your other one's, I think you generally need to get used to relinquishing a fair bit of control.

@EmsHugs Sorry my post wasn’t meant to upset you. It just sounded like you were struggling with parenting and thought everyone was doing it better than you. Maybe it was the choice of “like” rather than “love” and that perhaps you didn’t “get kids” in the wider sense. It wasn’t critical just reassurance you were irreplaceable.

There is a teeny wee voice in my head that is probably scared she will be better at dealing with my children than I am. Like I said my ExH is a bit of a soft touch, so they adore him. Everytime DS is handed back to me, he throws a tantrum and if I do anything DD doesn't like she hates me and wishes she was with Daddy or Granny.
ExH was always better at being a parent and going to the parties and activities, especially as I have spent the last 2 years playing catch up with my career.
I like my children but can't really be bothered with other people's so someone who has literally chosen to work with them and plays an active role in the life of her friends' children seems wild to me.

I think they are indeed mad.

People on here say that 'stepmums' get a raw deal on here but I often see it the other way around on here where people will stick up for a new partner no matter what and criticise the childrens mother even when the mother is completely reasonable.

It's batshit to be asking about bedtimes and discipline before she's met the kids.....and as someone who works with kids she should already have a good idea about common sense boundaries and know not to be so full on straight away.

Basic common sense would tell you that if you're introduced to a boyfriends/girlfriends it should be casual and breezy at the start, you don't start playing stepmum straight away, but this woman who works with kids and seems to have given this considerable thought seems to be lacking that basic common sense.

@EmsHugs Yes that's better

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she's being respectful to you

This thread is batshit.

She is completely OTT.

She seems to have forgotten she's not in her school.

She can ask your ex, her bf about any of this. She shouldn't be trying to communicate with you unless you indicate you want to communicate with her.

She's been seeing him 5 months. Officially anyway. In sure I have food older than that in my fridge.

They're deeply in the honeymoon stage and shouldn't be introducing anyone. Let alone trips away together. They don't even know if it'll work out between them long-term. We've all been happy and couplet and excited at 5 months in, to find a very different situation a couple of years in. They're old enough to know better.

She sounds like she wants to be instant step mummy. And he's too stupid and weak and foolish himself not to let her.

I would be totally against responding to her at all, let alone that letter which acts like she's being reasonable ... She's not.

She can get the info from their Dad.

They both need to see if the relationship has long term legs before they get into all this shit. It's not fair on your kids. He seems in an incredible rush and she seems desperate. They're not thinking of your kids, it's all a projection of their honeymoon period, cosy, were "together" thing with your kids as props. What do they want, the kids? Do they really want to be going on Halloween days out and Lapland trips with a strange woman
, A relatively short time after their family and home has broken up??
They need to think about the kids and take a huge step back. They're going at a million miles an hour.

I wouldn't be introducing anyone to my child for a long ass time. This is selfish.

Selfish and inappropriate.

As for the bizarre replies on this thread.... A lot of ppl.on here seem to be second wives and partners and step parents .... And/or introduce people to their kids far too soon. That presumably explains the fact the posts haven't mostly said "tell her to wind her neck in/ignore her, and tell your ex to parent appropriately... Which is not passing on novels from his new gf about co-parenting. He's very immature.

Exactly.

I would wonder if she is neurodiverse, that's the kindest explanation I can think of.

Either that or she's letting her utter desperation to get a man and be in a relationship take over; and is so utterly fixated on proving to him she's a great partner and great potential step Mum.
She's incredibly invested at this early point in time, is all I can say.

You're supposed to be trying someone on for size and seeing how at goes at this point (especially someone with the complications of kids whose family has not long broken up); not meeting their kids, going on family type trips with their kids, writing lengthy letters to the kids' Mum, whom you haven't even met, with queries about looking after them and disciplining them etc etc.

She's bonkers. Or desperate, or both.

And op's ex is even worse, forcing his kids into this. And thinking her behaviour is ok.
He's letting his little head do the thinking by the looks of it.

YABU.
What do you want, for them to go to see them and she does things in a way you don't like or approve of? She sounds very reasonable.

Clint yourself lucky that she wants to get to know your children and so right by them

Push your jealously and resentment away and embrace her.

I wish my ex husband’s new partner had showed me this level of courtesy. I met her when she turned up uninvited by me or my daughter to my daughter’s birthday party - the first party at a new school where I was meeting some of the other Mums for the first time. Of course this was the ex’s doing. But she could have reached out or declined. I had paid for the entire party and she came late and put her entry into the venue on my tab. I had to pay for her on top of the entire party as we left. She didn’t even introduce herself during the day. The other memorable effort at communication I’ve had in years is an email asking me not to keep our pets due to allergies on her side.

I would be delighted to have have received such a thoughtful note. Maybe you still have feelings for your ex? Because I don’t think this new woman has done anything wrong.

More posters talking shite.

More accusations of jealousy when op is on the receiving end of inappropriate behaviour.

I think this is a good approach.
I'm irritated for you OP, but with ex, not this well meaning but potentially misguided woman!