Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

Your second draft is perfect! Send that, meet her, see what you think. Your children are young so I suppose it’s in everyone’s interests, including yours, to try and get along with the new situation as best you can. It could be much worse but at least she sounds like a sensible and considerate person.

When you discuss your first list at the meeting, I'd add not cutting the children's hair (or taking them for piercings, later on!).

Your second draft is fabulous!!!

Honestly, I think she is very over the top but I also kinda love her. I think in terms of an extra adult around she sounds pretty awesome.

Big hug though. I know this is hard. xx

Yabu
She has probably researched on mumsnet and thinks this is the best way to go about things.

The second one is much better, but I don't think, for example, you can really stop them watching a movie together. That sounds a bit mad.

“FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.”

As a stepmum myself, it’s not a selling point. Trust me! She’s trying to be nice and not step on your toes. She wants to make sure you’re comfortable and that she’s not going to overstep your boundaries.

Maybe it does seem a little try hard, but at least she’s trying. You don’t have to meet her yet if you don’t want to, but don’t meet her attempts to appease you with hostility. It just leads to bitterness and isn’t healthy for the kids.

Send the second draft but the first draft is something you could speak about in person.

I don't think yabu at all and honestly I think she sounds like a bit of a stuck up prick.

I'm also surprised by the many many comments claiming you are jealous and this lady is lovely. Absolutely baffling.

Take a step back everyone and put yourself in the OPs shoes. This woman who has been dating her ex for 6 months wants to be co parenting alongside them both. All parenting should be done by dad on his time and new girlfriend should be introduced slowly.

@EmsHugs I was critical of you but second draft is really good. Fair play for listening and actually taking things on board.

Sounds a bit weird and OTT, and yes why isn’t she asking their dad, as a person with no kids she probably doesn’t have a clue. But does sounds like she wants to get it right and respect you as their mum. Maybe say thanks you appreciate the sentiment but it’s a bit premature to be having conversations like this. Just meeting to say hi would make more sense at such an early stage.

Take a step back everyone and put yourself in the OPs shoes. This woman who has been dating her ex for 6 months wants to be co parenting alongside them both. All parenting should be done by dad on his time and new girlfriend should be introduced slowly.

Too right, but does she actually "want to be co parenting" or is she just trying to do the right thing.

It might be a bit try hard but it shows respect.

YABU here. She is trying her best

You can tell the posters who have little experience when they say the GF should just be asking the DCs' dad. My DSCs mum once sent DH an angry text telling him that I was not allowed to discipline the children - all I had done was ask DSC (nicely) to pick up their apple cores from the carpet and pop them into the bin - no threat of consequences or anything!

One of the hardest things about being in a step parenting role is that nothing you do is allowed to just "be" - everything you do is scrutinised as potential evidence of whether you do or don't like/accept your DSC, or you're overstepping, or you're not treating them like your own etc etc. It's fucking exhausting and it's this kind of shit that you don't know you're getting yourself into.

I think that's perfect op

I think that's really sweet, OP. However I do understand your feelings of sadness over him dating so soon bloody men can't be alone but be careful not to take it out on her.
That said, she needs to be sensitive to your feelings too. She's not their mum and needs not to step on your toes too much. The letter is a bit 'try hard'.
Sorry, I'm aware that I'm contradicting myself here
It's just that, having been there, I can totally see both sides.
My ex husband's partner (the other woman) makes ZERO effort with my kids
Somewhere in between would be good!

This! She sounds awful and her request is so insulting. She hasn’t even met the kids and is behaving like their step mum.

I don’t think her intentions are honourable at all.

Way better!

The second one is nice.

She sounds great.

I partly agree with you, if I put myself in your shoes, this would wind me up! Your husband is the parent and she should follow his lead. If later she became more involved, that would be the time to ask these questions. She hasn’t even met them yet, and I don’t doubt it’s coming from a good place, but I would feel it’s too much too soon.

The op’s ex and her are planning a long term future together.

She is new now but won’t always be. It makes sense to want to start off on the right foot. I do think she’s being a bit keen but, as she is in her late 30’s, she may well have friends whose children have step mum’s and they’ve voiced dis/likes about behaviour which has made her want to approach things differently.

I think op’s response is great and totally get her needing to work through a variety of feelings on the matter. I don’t see why you think it is helpful to cast aspersions around her intentions. Do you think all step mum’s set out to proudly take Evil Stepmum status?

Come have a gander at the step parenting board if you want to go down the rabbit hole.

The same people saying saying your exs new partner is overstepping and she's fruit loop are the same people slating a step parent saying that they obviously hate their DSc by leaving the parenting to their partners (the dads) depressing common.

That said your second message is perfect, credit where credits due you have taken the comments to heart.

Draft 2 looks fine - well done.

Just one thought. People do things differently - and it is fine for children to know that. My late OH used to look after the children on his day off while I was at work so it was their "Daddy Day" - I know that slightly different rules applied then and the children took that in their stride.

I think you need to talk about what are very basic and crucial ground rules for you and let the other things find their own level. This lady will approach your children in a different way, but they will not be phased by that as long as all the basics are right.

One good thing is that she does not seem to be heading for the competitive parenting trap.

oof I feel the hit punch here. Your ex has been really unfair imo, your children are still so young, and this is all so recent.

My take is that she’s naive and infatuated. She thinks that her job means she knows what it’s like, and I’m sure she knows a lot about childcare but I don’t think she can really understand what she is walking into/attempting to do here. I realise that might be an unpopular opinion but she’s jumping in 100mph after 5 minutes, and I really don’t think a Lapland/Santa trip is at all appropriate with someone so new, and with the separation so recent. If she had any clue she’d know that.

Having said all that, I think you’ll have to be polite to her for the sake of the children but you need somewhere to get this horrible situation of your chest!

YABU. She's possibly a bit early off the mark after only 5 months with her new fella but she sounds really courteous and kind.

2nd letter is fine.

What he expects and what will happen could be two very different things, and sensible adults should know that and not decide or assume "Ok now I'm a stepmother"...or "Ok now my girlfriend is a stepmother".

That's weird.

I think it's fine to want to know preferences etc when it comes to certain things at the beginning, is it Ok if I treat the kids to McDonalds etc...but asking about bedtime routines and how she should discipline them is crazy and getting ahead of herself.

There's a line between sensible and thoughtful and weird and jumping the gun and she has definitely crossed it.