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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 01/10/2023 19:28

You sound utterly unhinged in that draft. She can't buy DD anything and can't watch a film with them?! Enough already!

BBCONEANDTWO · 01/10/2023 19:32

YABU

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 19:34

If your exH is vehemently anti the children being on social media, there is no need to mention it specifically.

I’d go with “please follow his lead, as we agree on the fundamentals around social media, personal hygiene care, bed time routine” etc

Go broad spectrum in your response rather than ultra detailed like in your draft. It’s not that what you’re saying is wrong at all, it’s just that so much detail reads as a bit controlling.

I get it, been there, years ago now but I remember. Went to collect my 2 year old from her dad’s one day and his “friend” (😑) was there. So your ex has at least been adult enough to say he has a girlfriend, not introduced a friend who is very much still present, as his long term partner, 6 years on. I was happy for him that he’d met someone, thought the way he went about it was daft though!

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 19:37

It is very detailed . But hey, they're your kids . 🤷‍♀️ She did ask.

Dayhee · 01/10/2023 19:49

You sound really jealous.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2023 19:51

OP, I absolutely wouldn't send her that. Indeed, I'd send nothing at all. I'd just tell your ex that he is to make it clear to her that there are no parenting expectations from her as it's his job to look after the children. She is far far too over-involved already! She's not even met them!

Saschka · 01/10/2023 19:52

TheBaddestTurkeyInTown · 01/10/2023 18:12

She sounds like a bit of a wally, albeit a well intentioned one. Is she quite young?

Now I hear the ex is a doctor, I suspect it is starry-eyed excitement about being a Doctor’s Wife.

Fuck knows why this is a thing, but it is. I’m a doctor myself, and have had to sit in the pub many times being told at great length by my colleagues’ new non-doctor girlfriends, how amazing it is that their Glamorous Doctor Boyfriend is out saving lives all day.

She imagines he will be busy Saving Lives, and she’ll of course have to stay at home doing all the parenting. Not like his meanie ex-wife, who forced him, despite his Important Doctor Job, to do his share of the parenting.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2023 19:53

Dayhee · 01/10/2023 19:49

You sound really jealous.

No the girlfriend of five months who has not been even met the children is unhinged!

AmazingSnakeHead · 01/10/2023 19:56

It would annoy me because the whole thing smacks of mysoginy. Has anyone in this thread ever had a new male DP write to their ex DP and ask him what his prefered method of discipline is, or what his parenting ethos is? I would bet all of my money that they have not.

It's one thing to meet, I would want to meet anyone who was spending significant time with my DC. But the list is weird. Why is she doing bed times and disciplining? Why can't your ex tell her what your joint parenting no-nos are? It sounds a bit like they are both assuming that childcare is "woman's work" to be taken on by whatever woman is in the house at the time. He has been a placeholder, but finally here comes The Woman to take over when they're on his contact time. No point asking him, he is Just A Man. Better ask the other woman, since that's what we are for. It would annoy me. Your ex is their dad, he should already know the answer to all those questions if you co-parent well. And anyway, she shouldn't need to know yet, because he should be doing it.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 19:56

Thank you to those who have provided constructive guidance and feedback. It is my first time posting on MN and my god it is nuts.
Most people have been very kind. I appreciate those who also said AIBU, as I asked that. However some people have been so rude.
Being called unhinged and jealous is just cruel, as is being told i am critical of my children and don't have fun with them. I find it almost comedic how some have also suggest that my ExH is incompetent, lazy or that he has been cheating on me with this woman. Am I happy about this relationship, perhaps not but I also do not think this woman to be a cheat or as sly and vile as some of you have made out. I truly hope those who have spouted such nonsense are not in the same position and are simply stirring for their own entertainment, as otherwise I pity your ex partners are your family as you go through similar things.

OP posts:
DungareesAndTrombones · 01/10/2023 19:58

I just wouldn't engage, @EmsHugs She sounds like she means well but she needs to dial it down by about 40000. Your ex husband will parent your kids and if she wants to be there for an ice cream then that is great.

Not once have I had this level of involvement with my ex (twat) husband's two wives. By that I don't mean he's a polygamist. He's just very surprisingly found 2 other women than me to marry him.

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 19:58

God the projection on here is unreal.

She imagines he will be busy Saving Lives, and she’ll of course have to stay at home doing all the parenting. Not like his meanie ex-wife, who forced him, despite his Important Doctor Job, to do his share of the parenting.

Really. You know all that?

What would it be like if she didn't give a shit?
And how should OP react then?

Either way seems like OP should be pissed .

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 19:59

@Saschka no I don't think that is the case. The person in question has a very good job in Education and it would appear is a depute head teacher. I am well aware of the people you are talking about as have dealt with my fair share of medic girlfriends but she will be sadly mistaken if that is her goal.

OP posts:
Greengrassohla · 01/10/2023 20:00

I think she sounds like a right busy body knobhead.

5128gap · 01/10/2023 20:01

Your response made me smile OP. I know it's not intentional on your part, but if ever you wanted to make this woman rue the day she decided to over involve herself, it would be that. You sound like you're instructing a hired help. Its accidentally genius! 😂
But seriously, yes it's too much for a cordial relationship. I'd personally stick to thank you but I'll liaise with their father and he'll pass anything on to you he thinks you need to know. Then address that letter to him.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 20:05

@5128gap It feels like the 'notes' my mother used to leave for the cleaner. I did come across rather Hyacinth Bucket 🙈

OP posts:
5128gap · 01/10/2023 20:06

Oh, and I don't know what's happened on this thread either as I'm shocked at the number who think YABU. Sometimes the first few responses set the tone and you get an unusual skewing of views. Run it past a few people in RL and I'd be surprised if more don't agree that her letter is unusually presumptuous.

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 20:09

Your ex is their dad, he should already know the answer to all those questions if you co-parent well. And anyway, she shouldn't need to know yet, because he should be doing it.

They've been living apart for 18 months. He wouldn't necessarily
know all the things in OPs list. CoParent or not.

Of course it's not just about practicalities. Of course she could ask just ask him.

It acknowledges a level of respect to the children's mother which is beyond simple instructions.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 20:14

Thoughts ?

Dear (X) Thank you for writing and introducing yourself and thank you for being considerate of my feelings as [ExH] navigate this next stage in our co-parenting. You clearly understand that having someone new in both the DC and my life is something new for us all, that we will slowly need to get used to and I appreciate your patience and understanding as figure out what works and doesn't. Until you meet the children, I think it is best we don't go into too many rules and regulations as they may well sort themselves out naturally or raise new ones however It would be good to meet you and ExH before you meet the kids and just go over a few things, most are usually things ExH deals with anyway and should know and be able to answer questions about, but it just makes sure we are all on the same page.

OP posts:
squareyedannie · 01/10/2023 20:17

@EmsHugs Sounds perfect.

5128gap · 01/10/2023 20:18

Perfect OP.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 01/10/2023 20:21

yep, it’s a bit too much. Let’s see if we can edit it down a bit for you…

Dear (x)
Thank you for your letter and being so considerate of the children's needs. As I was not aware their father was in a relationship this letter has come a little out the blue for me…

Since you asked, here are some of the parenting things that are important to me. These are not set in stone but as myself and the children do not know you, for now I feel it would be for the best if this is how they are dealt with. I am sure [ExH] has likely covered them anyway.

[DS] sometimes likes to co-sleep. I would prefer that only ExH or myself does this with him in DS’s bed/bedroom.

DD has a habit of telling ExH and MIL, that I allow things that I do not. They know this but she might chance her arm with you. We do not have crisps during the week, apart from a packet on Friday movienight. She is not allowed to watch YouTube. Please don’t let her have your phone. She is not allowed fizzy pop, milkshakes, smoothies. These make her hyper and then sick. She will often ask for things when in shops and huff if not given in to. Please ignore her pleas!

At present I would like for ExH to take complete responsibility for their personal care and cleaning, including toileting and dressing and undressing. DS may ask for assistance at the toilet, if possible please have ExH deal with his or Nanny if there.
At bedtime, please feel free to read books with the children but I would ask that ExH is the one to put them to bed and tuck them in.
I’m uncomfortable with my children seeing unrelated adults in a state of undress so please do not change in front of them, including for things like swimming.
DC do not watch television or have devices during the week at my house and I believe ExH has continued with this policy in his home. We use time on TV and devices as a reward/punishment so if DD or DS misbehave please let me or ExH know as this will impact their access to TV devices at the weekend.

Nanny usually handles homework, but just in case, DS likes to do his ´work’ while his sister does her homework and this works well for both children. For the moment I would prefer that only ExH and myself deal with any correspondence with the school.

You already seem to be diligent about dairy and DS access to it. Thank you for this. We have a care plan that I would recommend you acquaint yourself with and this goes through what to do and who to call. His dad knows this but I ask all adults involved with my son to know this.
Due to the sensitivity of my son's skin, all bodywash, detergent etc should be suitable for sensitive skin.
I hear you have a dog. Please introduce the children to the animal cautiously and if the dog licks the children wash their hands immediately. Please could you avoid prolonged contact between DS and the dog until it has been ascertained it does not impact DS allergies.

aloris · 01/10/2023 20:23

Your letter gives quite a lot of details but they fall into sensible categories, and, to be fair to you, she did ask for it! Since she's a teacher, I think she'll be receptive to the idea that you are uncomfortable with her doing personal care for the children. She likely understands that respecting that boundary protects herself as well as the children. Some of the other stuff is about co-parenting, I don't know if you want to put those details in because she should respect what your husband says, but it communicates to her that you don't want to be in the situation where she is duplicating your special things and hence messing up the system you and your ex are using, that is working quite well.

I think in your position I would be a bit leery that all that detail would be taken to mean that this is the final answer, like a contract, and that you can't change it in the future because you wrote it down in detail and she accepted it.

I think it's good she's "on the ball" about the dairy thing. What do you mean by "convulsions". Are those seizures? Or does he go into shock when he's exposed to dairy? If the latter, then her arrival is a bit of a godsend because it sounds like she'll manage the allergy situation better than your ex does. Be aware, dairy can even hide in medicines such as asthma inhalers and dental care products so everything your child ingests, has to be checked, toothbrushes must not be shared, the whole thing.

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 20:23

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 20:14

Thoughts ?

Dear (X) Thank you for writing and introducing yourself and thank you for being considerate of my feelings as [ExH] navigate this next stage in our co-parenting. You clearly understand that having someone new in both the DC and my life is something new for us all, that we will slowly need to get used to and I appreciate your patience and understanding as figure out what works and doesn't. Until you meet the children, I think it is best we don't go into too many rules and regulations as they may well sort themselves out naturally or raise new ones however It would be good to meet you and ExH before you meet the kids and just go over a few things, most are usually things ExH deals with anyway and should know and be able to answer questions about, but it just makes sure we are all on the same page.

Nailed it.

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 20:24

Well you couldn't be nicer really in the 2nd letter.

It's a very positive start to a relationship that you might not want, but you have to have.

( you can go in with the full Hyacinth B later 😉)