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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
LadyBitsnBobs · 01/10/2023 18:21

Id take it at face value and give her a list.
I would say:

“You sound very nice and I am grateful for your interest in making things work well. At this stage I would be concerned that things are moving pretty fast for a new relationship as far as my kids our concerned, and I would prefer to protect the kids from getting attached as they will suffer if your relationship subsequently breaks down.

I would expect exDh continues to be the hands-on parent he has always been with little change needed.

But as for additional “rules”:

  • Please don’t try to buy the kids love with gifts and treats. They don’t need more sweets or toys or lavish trips out or expensive clothes.
  • don't spend ANY time alone with my kids and don’t take them/collect them from school/activities without exDH who is the primary carer not you and if he can’t meet those responsibilities for whatever reason then I want my kids with me.
  • don’t insert yourself in my kids’ social lives eg don’t go to school assemblies or football matches or school friends’ birthday parties etc
  • Discipline - this irrelevant as exDh is the parent, not you. I don’t expect you to be alone with the children so there is no reason you should ever need to be involved in discipline. ExDh is capable of making sure they are cared for and parented adequately.
sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 18:21

You're very honest OP and you're going through a hard time.

But what on earth have you to gain by seeing this contact in a bad, or indeed in the view of some posters on here, the worst possible light? By reacting in a snarky, cold or confrontational way?

What will be gained for you, or more importantly for your children?

Keep your powder dry.

You might be faced with hearing about the kids sitting for 10 hrs on a screen, having macdonalds 3 days in a row, all the school uniform lost, or something that really grinds your gears.
( not saying it's going to happen) Hopefully it won't ever.

Then you'll need to make an impact and your voice won't be heard if you're already "the arsey-ex. "

For the sake of the kids try to make the best of what this GF is doing.

CleMNtine · 01/10/2023 18:22

She sounds very thoughtful, don’t be bitter for the sake of your children.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 18:22

Yes very blasé, as is his mother. They both are adament it is just temporary. MIL was adding a 'little bit of milk' to his scrambled egg, to get him back used to it, until he had another convulsion.
In that respect, we are different. Having a few friends who are doctors they seem to fall into two camps with their kids, either super know it alla nd somewhat paranoid or the last ones to take them to A&E and think Calpol is the answer to everything.

OP posts:
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 18:25

@EmsHugs the updates make this even more confusing

surely you’d be wanting to ensure she is aware of these medical issues, since your ex is blasé!

Susuwatariandkodama · 01/10/2023 18:26

I’m surprised a teacher/ta is happy to meet someone’s children so quickly, I wouldn’t be happy with her being introduced just yet and would ask to hold off until they hit the year mark, it’s a ferry big adjustment for them to come to terms with and I’d want to feel confident that she’d be sticking around for a while.

BarbieKew · 01/10/2023 18:30

I would absolutely feel the same way you do OP, and the letter does seem a little formal / forward.

BUT… if this relationship is going to last, it is much better for you to have a cordial relationship with this lady. I’d meet her and be honest, say it’s freaked you out a bit but you appreciate her not trying to become a mother figure. She sounds grounded, so I think she’ll understand your misgivings and allow you all time to settle into it.

How old is she? Are they likely to want to have children together?

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 18:33

YANBU. She seems to be assuming she's a) significant and b) she's going to be doing the parenting rather than your ex.

My ex's new woman did the same thing, as a precursor to saying that she and ex should have full custody since I work and she doesn't, and they would 'be there for ds' as if I haven't been. 😡 I wasn't polite !

In your situation I'd reply politely saying that ex is the dcs' parent and it will be up to him to care for them.

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 01/10/2023 18:36

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

Yer, you just sound bitter and jealous to me.
The poor woman is trying.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/10/2023 18:37

Susuwatariandkodama · 01/10/2023 18:26

I’m surprised a teacher/ta is happy to meet someone’s children so quickly, I wouldn’t be happy with her being introduced just yet and would ask to hold off until they hit the year mark, it’s a ferry big adjustment for them to come to terms with and I’d want to feel confident that she’d be sticking around for a while.

What will magically happen at the 1 year mark? Many people meet and know they are meant for each other quickly so it all depends on how serious the relationship is.

harriethoyle · 01/10/2023 18:39

This poor woman cannot do right in your eyes. Grow up, be grateful she's being respectful and put your hurt pride to one side. She's clearly here for the long haul seeing mil has met her.

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 18:41

I really don’t understand how the “not disciplining the children” contingent think that will work longer term.

I am very rarely “alone” with my step children, but their father does leave the room on occasion and if one of them is doing/saying something they shouldn’t, or that I don’t like, I don’t just sit there mutely, like a piece of furniture until he returns. That would be such a weird way to live life.

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 18:48

*I really don’t understand how the “not disciplining the children” contingent think that will work longer term.

I am very rarely “alone” with my step children, but their father does leave the room on occasion and if one of them is doing/saying something they shouldn’t, or that I don’t like, I don’t just sit there mutely, like a piece of furniture until he returns. That would be such a weird way to live life.*

Exactly. Whilst the kids father is always the parent and lead decision maker it's ridiculous to think that over the long term his Gf is just a mute, non interactive , non adult who shares the same space but is not to be considered in an accompanying adult role.

This serves no one, least of all the kids.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 18:59

Draft of a response. Is this too much?

Dear (x)
Thank you for your letter and being so considerate of the children's needs. As I was not aware their father was in a relationship this letter has come a little out the blue for me.
I think it would be beneficial to go over a few matters prior to you meeting the children. These are not set in stone but as myself and the children do not know you, for now I feel it would be for the best this is how they are dealt with. I am sure [ExH] has likely covered this and will deal with this rather than you when they visit but just incase the issue arises:

[DS] sometimes likes to co-sleep. I would prefer that when this happens you do not do so with him. I appreciate this is a big ask but if you are staying over and this happens I would ask [ExH] sleep beside him on the floor on in his bed, at least initially.

DD has a habit of telling ExH and MIL, that I allow things that I do not. They know this but she might chance ger arm with you. We do not have crisps during the week, apart from a packet on Friday movienight. Movie night is our thing so I would appreciate if we save that as it is. She is not allowed to watch YouTube or have your phone.
Discourage her from pouting and over posing for photos. We have happy smiling faces.
She is not allowed fizzy pop, milkshakes, smoothies. These make her hyper and then sick.
She will often ask for things when in shops and huff if not given in to. Walk away from her and ignore her pleas. I buy her these as treat once a month if she tidies the playroom so I would like that arrangement to stay as is. No magazines.
At present I would like for ExH to take complete responsibility for their personal care and cleaning. DS may ask for assistance at the toilet, if possible please have ExH deal with his or Nanny if there. This is not a judgement on you or mistrust but just that I wish to take a measured approach as you enter my children's lives.
If you are present for bedtime, please feel free to read books with the children but I would ask that ExH is the one to put them to bed and tuck them in, change into pj's etc.
By all means please assist them with putting on jackets and shoes but I would ask ExH is the one to dress them at the moment. I would also ask you do not change infront of them or that they see you undressed. Therefore is swimming please ask their father to go into a seperate cubicle with them. Likewise if they require going into the toilet in the first instance ask ExH to deal with this. You may accompany DD to he bathroom but do not enter the toilet with her.
Please do not buy anything for DD unless ExH has asked you too. Neither children are in need of anything and we have fiscally agreed a set up that honours this. I would also appreciate that if you later chose to buy any Xmas or birthday gifts you let me know, this stops duplication and something I also ask of friends and family.
I would appreciate you do not take the children on your own to anything at present including playdates with your friends' children. Please let me know any adult my child socialises with that I do not know, if my ExH has met them that is okay but I would still like informed.
DC do not watch television or have devices during the week please ensure this is abided by. If DD or DS misbehave please let me or ExH know as this will impact their access to TV devices at weekend.
Homework is done with Nanny. DD has a homework diary that needs signed. ExH is responsible with his but if you can support DD with homework that would be good
DS likes to do his work at the same time as his sister. Allow him to do this. Please have ex H sign homework and deal with any correspondence with the school. If DC are ill on your days please let me know. At present I do not wish for you to be in contact with nursery or school or do any drop off or pick ups unless I have agreed to this .
I believe you have kindly offered to pick up DD from gymnastics after Xmas. We will discuss this perhaps closer to the time but at the moment I would like for you to get to know DD before I agree to this.
You already seem to be diligent about dairy and DS access to it. Thank you for this. We have a care plan that I would recommend you acquaint yourself with ad this goes through what to do and who to call. His dad knows this but I ask alla dults involved with my son to know this.
Due to the sensitivity of my son's skin, all bodywash, detergent etc should be suitable for sensitive skin.
I hear you have a dog. Please introduce the children to the animal cautiously and if the dog licks the children wash their hands immediately. I would ask it is not initally brought into ExH home until it has been ascertained it does not impact DS allergies.

OP posts:
FluffyCatBonzo · 01/10/2023 19:04

What about the father though? Is this going to happen with every gf he has?

BarbieKew · 01/10/2023 19:09

I would meet her face to face first, talk through all the things in your list, and follow up in writing with any really important dealbreaker type points.

Namerequired · 01/10/2023 19:13

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 18:59

Draft of a response. Is this too much?

Dear (x)
Thank you for your letter and being so considerate of the children's needs. As I was not aware their father was in a relationship this letter has come a little out the blue for me.
I think it would be beneficial to go over a few matters prior to you meeting the children. These are not set in stone but as myself and the children do not know you, for now I feel it would be for the best this is how they are dealt with. I am sure [ExH] has likely covered this and will deal with this rather than you when they visit but just incase the issue arises:

[DS] sometimes likes to co-sleep. I would prefer that when this happens you do not do so with him. I appreciate this is a big ask but if you are staying over and this happens I would ask [ExH] sleep beside him on the floor on in his bed, at least initially.

DD has a habit of telling ExH and MIL, that I allow things that I do not. They know this but she might chance ger arm with you. We do not have crisps during the week, apart from a packet on Friday movienight. Movie night is our thing so I would appreciate if we save that as it is. She is not allowed to watch YouTube or have your phone.
Discourage her from pouting and over posing for photos. We have happy smiling faces.
She is not allowed fizzy pop, milkshakes, smoothies. These make her hyper and then sick.
She will often ask for things when in shops and huff if not given in to. Walk away from her and ignore her pleas. I buy her these as treat once a month if she tidies the playroom so I would like that arrangement to stay as is. No magazines.
At present I would like for ExH to take complete responsibility for their personal care and cleaning. DS may ask for assistance at the toilet, if possible please have ExH deal with his or Nanny if there. This is not a judgement on you or mistrust but just that I wish to take a measured approach as you enter my children's lives.
If you are present for bedtime, please feel free to read books with the children but I would ask that ExH is the one to put them to bed and tuck them in, change into pj's etc.
By all means please assist them with putting on jackets and shoes but I would ask ExH is the one to dress them at the moment. I would also ask you do not change infront of them or that they see you undressed. Therefore is swimming please ask their father to go into a seperate cubicle with them. Likewise if they require going into the toilet in the first instance ask ExH to deal with this. You may accompany DD to he bathroom but do not enter the toilet with her.
Please do not buy anything for DD unless ExH has asked you too. Neither children are in need of anything and we have fiscally agreed a set up that honours this. I would also appreciate that if you later chose to buy any Xmas or birthday gifts you let me know, this stops duplication and something I also ask of friends and family.
I would appreciate you do not take the children on your own to anything at present including playdates with your friends' children. Please let me know any adult my child socialises with that I do not know, if my ExH has met them that is okay but I would still like informed.
DC do not watch television or have devices during the week please ensure this is abided by. If DD or DS misbehave please let me or ExH know as this will impact their access to TV devices at weekend.
Homework is done with Nanny. DD has a homework diary that needs signed. ExH is responsible with his but if you can support DD with homework that would be good
DS likes to do his work at the same time as his sister. Allow him to do this. Please have ex H sign homework and deal with any correspondence with the school. If DC are ill on your days please let me know. At present I do not wish for you to be in contact with nursery or school or do any drop off or pick ups unless I have agreed to this .
I believe you have kindly offered to pick up DD from gymnastics after Xmas. We will discuss this perhaps closer to the time but at the moment I would like for you to get to know DD before I agree to this.
You already seem to be diligent about dairy and DS access to it. Thank you for this. We have a care plan that I would recommend you acquaint yourself with ad this goes through what to do and who to call. His dad knows this but I ask alla dults involved with my son to know this.
Due to the sensitivity of my son's skin, all bodywash, detergent etc should be suitable for sensitive skin.
I hear you have a dog. Please introduce the children to the animal cautiously and if the dog licks the children wash their hands immediately. I would ask it is not initally brought into ExH home until it has been ascertained it does not impact DS allergies.

You can’t be serious? I think she is going to regret being thoughtful and asking you this tbh. This is seriously ott

AmoebicSquid · 01/10/2023 19:15

The one big no no for me that you might like to think about is getting her assurance that she would not post details or photos of the children on any social media platform.

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 19:15

There is an awful lot on your list that is going to be completely out of your control. The hardest part of co-parenting is trusting the other parent, even when they make choices that you wouldn’t. It gets easier as time goes on.

newbie202020 · 01/10/2023 19:15

I don't think YABU. Your exH is their father and she should be asking him about routines etc. And quite why they are going to Lapland together so soon is beyond me

Sparkleshine21 · 01/10/2023 19:19

They’re taking them out the country in a few weeks? That is crazy to me.

Saschka · 01/10/2023 19:23

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 18:59

Draft of a response. Is this too much?

Dear (x)
Thank you for your letter and being so considerate of the children's needs. As I was not aware their father was in a relationship this letter has come a little out the blue for me.
I think it would be beneficial to go over a few matters prior to you meeting the children. These are not set in stone but as myself and the children do not know you, for now I feel it would be for the best this is how they are dealt with. I am sure [ExH] has likely covered this and will deal with this rather than you when they visit but just incase the issue arises:

[DS] sometimes likes to co-sleep. I would prefer that when this happens you do not do so with him. I appreciate this is a big ask but if you are staying over and this happens I would ask [ExH] sleep beside him on the floor on in his bed, at least initially.

DD has a habit of telling ExH and MIL, that I allow things that I do not. They know this but she might chance ger arm with you. We do not have crisps during the week, apart from a packet on Friday movienight. Movie night is our thing so I would appreciate if we save that as it is. She is not allowed to watch YouTube or have your phone.
Discourage her from pouting and over posing for photos. We have happy smiling faces.
She is not allowed fizzy pop, milkshakes, smoothies. These make her hyper and then sick.
She will often ask for things when in shops and huff if not given in to. Walk away from her and ignore her pleas. I buy her these as treat once a month if she tidies the playroom so I would like that arrangement to stay as is. No magazines.
At present I would like for ExH to take complete responsibility for their personal care and cleaning. DS may ask for assistance at the toilet, if possible please have ExH deal with his or Nanny if there. This is not a judgement on you or mistrust but just that I wish to take a measured approach as you enter my children's lives.
If you are present for bedtime, please feel free to read books with the children but I would ask that ExH is the one to put them to bed and tuck them in, change into pj's etc.
By all means please assist them with putting on jackets and shoes but I would ask ExH is the one to dress them at the moment. I would also ask you do not change infront of them or that they see you undressed. Therefore is swimming please ask their father to go into a seperate cubicle with them. Likewise if they require going into the toilet in the first instance ask ExH to deal with this. You may accompany DD to he bathroom but do not enter the toilet with her.
Please do not buy anything for DD unless ExH has asked you too. Neither children are in need of anything and we have fiscally agreed a set up that honours this. I would also appreciate that if you later chose to buy any Xmas or birthday gifts you let me know, this stops duplication and something I also ask of friends and family.
I would appreciate you do not take the children on your own to anything at present including playdates with your friends' children. Please let me know any adult my child socialises with that I do not know, if my ExH has met them that is okay but I would still like informed.
DC do not watch television or have devices during the week please ensure this is abided by. If DD or DS misbehave please let me or ExH know as this will impact their access to TV devices at weekend.
Homework is done with Nanny. DD has a homework diary that needs signed. ExH is responsible with his but if you can support DD with homework that would be good
DS likes to do his work at the same time as his sister. Allow him to do this. Please have ex H sign homework and deal with any correspondence with the school. If DC are ill on your days please let me know. At present I do not wish for you to be in contact with nursery or school or do any drop off or pick ups unless I have agreed to this .
I believe you have kindly offered to pick up DD from gymnastics after Xmas. We will discuss this perhaps closer to the time but at the moment I would like for you to get to know DD before I agree to this.
You already seem to be diligent about dairy and DS access to it. Thank you for this. We have a care plan that I would recommend you acquaint yourself with ad this goes through what to do and who to call. His dad knows this but I ask alla dults involved with my son to know this.
Due to the sensitivity of my son's skin, all bodywash, detergent etc should be suitable for sensitive skin.
I hear you have a dog. Please introduce the children to the animal cautiously and if the dog licks the children wash their hands immediately. I would ask it is not initally brought into ExH home until it has been ascertained it does not impact DS allergies.

Sorry OP, yes that is way OTT. Your ex surely knows about your son’s allergies and wouldn’t let her feed him dairy??

I’d just ask her to take her cue from your DH, and to let him do the majority of the parenting. Ask her to leave personal care (bum wiping, help changing etc) to him, just as she would with a child she teaches.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 19:25

Social media is a good idea. Although she would be out on her ear if she did that. Ex H went off on one on me posting DD, so there is no mention of DC on our social media. He didn't even like when I uploaded photos of us or back of head shots of him and kids.

Lapland was bought by the MIL. I had thought it was ExH, kids and grandparents but it seems gf will be going to

OP posts:
Saschka · 01/10/2023 19:27

Susuwatariandkodama · 01/10/2023 18:26

I’m surprised a teacher/ta is happy to meet someone’s children so quickly, I wouldn’t be happy with her being introduced just yet and would ask to hold off until they hit the year mark, it’s a ferry big adjustment for them to come to terms with and I’d want to feel confident that she’d be sticking around for a while.

I get the distinct impression they have been an item for significantly longer than 5 months - OP says they have been liking each other on SM for over a year, and it wouldn’t altogether surprise me if there was overlap with the end of the marriage and the beginning of them dating.

CrazyHamsterLady · 01/10/2023 19:28

YABU. The poor woman is trying her best and yet you’re still throwing it back in her face. Would it be better if she didn’t bother and then fed them haribo all day, let them drink cider and stay up until 2am?!!

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