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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
Panaa · 01/10/2023 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The woman hasn't even met the kids yet and she's putting a parenting plan in place.

The normal healthy way would be to just want to be warm and friendly to the kids and hope they like you and that they're ok with their dad having a new woman around, not jumping a million steps ahead acting like you're stepmom.

Sausage1989 · 01/10/2023 17:36

Nounderwireplease · 01/10/2023 14:56

What is going on with responses like this?? The ex’s gf is a complete stranger to the OP and (right now) her children, it is completely reasonable and sensible to not want a stranger involved with intimate care of young children. This is something which should be built up over a significant amount of time. Also important for children to have their privacy and boundaries respected.

Show quote history

I really would have thought its common sense that the gf wouldn't help with toileting etc straight away and things like that develop with time..I don't think its normal to make a point of writing a list of things they can't do..obviously if something happens that mum isn't happy with then it can be addressed but unless there's actual safeguarding concerns its in everyone's interests to get along. I say this as a mother and step mother.

sleepwouldbenice · 01/10/2023 17:36

Arthurnewyorkcity · 01/10/2023 13:02

Stepmums are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Yes she isn't a step parent and they may last 5 minutes but she's clearly showing respect to you and wants things to stay amicable. If for example she toom your child to a girly pamper day, would that lead to you kicking off? That's the sort of thing she's asking. Should they use time out step? Maybe you're against that etc.
She IS trying too hard but it's coming from a good place imo.

This

Namddf · 01/10/2023 17:36

This would get my back up big time. What the hell? So weird. Does she think she’s suddenly their step mum? She’s never even met them!

I disagree with other posters - I don’t think this is coming from a place of trying to be ‘nice’ at all. I think she’s pissing round your territory - reminding you that she’ll be putting them to bed etc.

YANBU at all OP.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 01/10/2023 17:38

Fgs
she’s trying to be kind to you and your kids. Grow up!

Panaa · 01/10/2023 17:38

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/10/2023 17:33

She cannot demand that sorry. Are you saying if her ex moves in with his new partner she demand that he can never leave the kids alone with her? Goodluck with that.

Show quote history

Why do people insist on making such leaps?

It's perfectly normal and common to not want a new girlfriend to be alone minding the kids....and for the vast majority that would change as time goes on as the relationship develops.

So not wanting her alone with them doesn't mean EVER....even if they move in or get married 😂

Whatafustercluck · 01/10/2023 17:43

Yabu.

One of the most toxic situations for children of separated parents is when there is discrepancy between expectations and lack of consistency across each household in which they spend time. The separated parents are the 'core' - and you haven't really said whether you co-parented with similar styles, values and beliefs when you were together - but it's so important that 'new' partners are also on the same page. It sounds like she's a very sensible woman, who understands the importance of all this to your family's dynamics, and the wellbeing of the children. That's pretty rare.

I met my step daughters around the same age. Dh and his ex had very different parenting styles though. I don't imagine she'd have much wanted to meet and talk with me either, but it may have saved some heartache of we had done so.

Sn1859 · 01/10/2023 17:44

I don’t think you just have a problem with her and her relationship with your children, I think you have a problem with their relationship full stop. My ex has introduced me (and the dc) to a few of his ‘serious’ gfs and I’ve never cared about whether I liked her or not because she doesn’t matter to me. The kids liked them and he liked and trusted them enough to let them be around our kids, that’s all I needed. I think she’s doing the right thing introducing herself and asking you those questions. She could have just asked him but I don’t think you would like her either way!

Namddf · 01/10/2023 17:44

Idontgiveashitanymore · 01/10/2023 17:38

Fgs
she’s trying to be kind to you and your kids. Grow up!

She’s not trying to be kind. She’s trying to make a point.

Darkmode2 · 01/10/2023 17:47

You're not being unreasonable op

She's being way too over the top. You don't need to be answering any parenting queries from her, your dh should be doing that

namechangnancy · 01/10/2023 17:49

It's really quite terrifying how people are talking about "territory" in reference to children.

Ops ex has moved on and the new gf is trying to be respectful to mum by asking her preferences. But people are bending over backwards to paint her in a evil light.

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 17:56

Then it would be up to the children's father to sort it out. End of.

Simples obviously! 👍🏻

That's hilarious. how many times have you read on here when that doesn't happen?

Here we have someone who does give a shit.

@ladypenelopesfan

Tessabelle74 · 01/10/2023 17:56

She sounds lovely to me! I get it's upsetting for you though as it sounds like you were maybe hoping to be "on again" at some point.

Ap42 · 01/10/2023 17:59

I split with my ex 7 years ago, I left him, but it was still a punch in the guts when he met a new partner. They've been together 2 years now. Not once has she asked to meet me or asked anything to do with parenting the children. I get it's hard, but I think what she's done is lovely, albiet a bit over the top. She obviously wants to get it right. Give her a chance.

Bellyblueboy · 01/10/2023 17:59

Could be worse! My friends ex’s girlfriend of three months was asked by useless ex to collect his daughter from nursery. She managed to collect the tickets to the Christmas play - three tickets. So
obviously one for the dad, one for the new girlfriend and one for the new girlfriends mum😂. Massive family row ensued - all grandparents up in arms - confused 22 year old confused why she and her mum couldn’t go to the play - after all the school gave them the tickets.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 18:00

If I'm being honest I have no idea how you would describe our parenting styles. ExH is more soft and so I have had to play tough guy on occassion but generally we just get on with what needs done. DD has just turned 7 and has found her first 2 years at primary school tough as she didn't get much pre school due to Covid and then we split as she started school,, she generally accepts when told no but recently has been acting up and playing us against each other to get what she wants, aside from that she is pretty chilled out. DS is just going through terrible threes. He hasn't been sleeping great and has a skin condition which they now think could be allergies. He has also had two convulsions so we have to be careful he doesn't get too hot or excited. ExH is a doctor yet is so laid back about stuff like that despite peds not being his speciality, whereas I get stressed if he shows any signs because I was alone with him and DD when he had his first one and it was awful.
I pointed out to ExH that he could have told GF a lot of the info she asked but he said she said she felt it was respectful to also get my input.
Apparently with them potentially going away with he kids he is also keen that over the next few months she does have the opportunity to know how we would her to deal with situations if they arise.
Apparently she was the one that pointed out to him some breads have dairy in them so wouldn't be suitable for our son with a potential dairy allergy. It feels like she is covering herself for worst case scenario and I get that but again it seems like she is jumping the gun

OP posts:
junbean · 01/10/2023 18:00

YABU

She sounds nice and you sound kinda jealous. Think of the kids, not your feelings about DH dating. Sounds like he found a good one and you should grateful for yours kids' sake.

Lalalaboomdydoo · 01/10/2023 18:04

"Apparently she was the one that pointed out to him some breads have dairy in them so wouldn't be suitable for our son with a potential dairy allergy"
Rolling my eyes so hard here.

Panaa · 01/10/2023 18:06

Whatafustercluck · 01/10/2023 17:43

Yabu.

One of the most toxic situations for children of separated parents is when there is discrepancy between expectations and lack of consistency across each household in which they spend time. The separated parents are the 'core' - and you haven't really said whether you co-parented with similar styles, values and beliefs when you were together - but it's so important that 'new' partners are also on the same page. It sounds like she's a very sensible woman, who understands the importance of all this to your family's dynamics, and the wellbeing of the children. That's pretty rare.

I met my step daughters around the same age. Dh and his ex had very different parenting styles though. I don't imagine she'd have much wanted to meet and talk with me either, but it may have saved some heartache of we had done so.

It sounds like she's a very sensible woman, who understands the importance of all this to your family's dynamics, and the wellbeing of the children. That's pretty rare.

I would agree with this if she had casually been in the kids lives for a while and was now taking steps in the stepmum direction and so she wanted to understand all of that stuff.

But it is extremely odd to be basically asking "how do you want me to parent your (our) kids?" when she hasn't even met them yet or even established a friendly relationship with them.

TheBaddestTurkeyInTown · 01/10/2023 18:12

She sounds like a bit of a wally, albeit a well intentioned one. Is she quite young?

VisaWoes · 01/10/2023 18:15

Why does your ex, who is a dr, need someone to point it out to him that bread with dairy in it is unsuitable for someone with a dairy allergy? Surely he’s intelligent enough to know that ingredient labels will need to be looked at? That it’s not just avoiding milk and cheese?

Whatafustercluck · 01/10/2023 18:18

Panaa · 01/10/2023 18:06

It sounds like she's a very sensible woman, who understands the importance of all this to your family's dynamics, and the wellbeing of the children. That's pretty rare.

I would agree with this if she had casually been in the kids lives for a while and was now taking steps in the stepmum direction and so she wanted to understand all of that stuff.

But it is extremely odd to be basically asking "how do you want me to parent your (our) kids?" when she hasn't even met them yet or even established a friendly relationship with them.

Show quote history

Op's ex clearly expects her to be around for a while, and they've obviously talked about it. You could argue that finding out a bit more about their mother's preferences before meeting the children is actually the more logical thing to do. If OP's ex is a bit blasé about things, such as food intolerance/ allergies, then arguably it's all the more reason to do so.

Original poster
EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 18:18

My exH is a very intelligent man but lacks so much common sense. My best bet is that he went into a shop, so white sliced bread and didn't give it any further thought. He will be super diligent with making sure he has non dairy milks, butter, yoghurt etc but bread isn't obvious. This has only been a new thing in the past 2 months. I presuming teachers are probably more clued up on allergies than doctors to be honest.
No not young, late 30s

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 01/10/2023 18:20

She is trying to get off on a good foot and you hate everything she does already. Not her fault

MisschiefMaker · 01/10/2023 18:20

I'm not going to say that your feelings are unreasonable because it must be upsetting to feel like another woman is going to come along and "parent" your children. But the truth is, she's not going to replace you. You're the mum fgs! She can't override that connection even if she's fun or pretty or whatever it is that you're worried about.

Given what you said about your kids health I'm a little surprised that you having jumped on the chance to educate her about how to handle potentially risky scenarios for them. My DD has food allergies and I'm always terrified when someone else is around that they're going to not wash their hands after touching her allergens, or that they'll kiss her on the cheek or something like that and cause a reaction. I would absolutely be keen to talk to her in your position.