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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

605 replies

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 12:56

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2023 16:28

DorisDill · 01/10/2023 16:05

I dealt with a young woman like this after I split up with my first husband.

She was actually very sweet, very naive and eventually, a complete pain in the arse who started overstepping the mark fairly quickly.

She joined school mum WhatsApp groups, and tried to undermine me by giving instructions to nursery staff that were different to mine (I was primary carer, ex was an every other weekend dad who was looking for a woman to wait on him generally and to pick up the slack during his parenting time)

I think you should put boundaries in place now and be respectful but redirect her straight back to your ex and say that he can answer all those questions as he is responsible for parenting when he has the DC, so has his own ways of doing things.

Don’t meet her either - polite but civil. They don’t get to dictate what you do or how you should do it.

Edited

This is how I see it. It's such an over the top response from somebody who hasn't even met the children! I think she's desperate to make her presence felt and make it clear to OP that she will be "parenting". She's got a bloody nerve I think and OP's ex should not have allowed this to happen. The children are his responsibility!

PandaExpress · 01/10/2023 16:28

YABU shes trying, but it's OK to feel gutted by it. I would be too 💐

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 16:29

YABU shes trying, but it's OK to feel gutted by it. I would be too 💐

This xxx

Frazzlefrazle · 01/10/2023 16:29

I think it would be best to call your exH and have a Frank conversation like you have on here and then potentially meet once he has hopefully helped with your reservations.

Good luck.

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 16:29

Sunshinenrain · 01/10/2023 15:57

YABU
She sounds lovely and is making a point of respecting you and your boundaries.

Most new partners wouldn’t give a shit about the ex and would just do what their new partner wants.
But she’s gone out of her way to go over exDH’s head, just to do what you want and not just what he wants.

I think you are very fortunate to have someone like this in your kids life, instead of someone who doesn’t respect you or your boundaries and doesn’t care about the kids.

You are upset because you thought you and DH were on and off (and potentially getting back together?) whereas in his mind you were done ages ago and just had sex every now and then but he physically and emotionally moved on.

I can completely see why you are hurt but you need to separate your anger/jealousy of this relationship vs doing the right thing for your kids.

Hopefully this relationship is going to be long term, as I don’t think you’d get this lucky if he met someone else.

All of this.
Excellent post.

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 16:30

*I can completely see why you are hurt but you need to separate your anger/jealousy of this relationship vs doing the right thing for your kids.

Hopefully this relationship is going to be long term, as I don’t think you’d get this lucky if he met someone else.*

This 👏🏼

DorisDill · 01/10/2023 16:43

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2023 16:28

This is how I see it. It's such an over the top response from somebody who hasn't even met the children! I think she's desperate to make her presence felt and make it clear to OP that she will be "parenting". She's got a bloody nerve I think and OP's ex should not have allowed this to happen. The children are his responsibility!

Show quote history

I’m trying to imagine it the other way, if a poster came on and said

“I have been with a boyfriend for 5 months and am going to introduce him to my DC and take him on holiday with then. He will then be involved with parenting my DC.

But before that, he wants to meet up with my ex-H and ask ex-H how he should parent the children, and he is making a list in advance so he can follow the routines etc that ex- H wants him to”…

It just… a bit weird really isn’t it?!

ladypenelopesfan · 01/10/2023 16:49

jlpth · 01/10/2023 16:16

Seems like she is doing her absolute best to be a good step mother. I wouldn't blame her over this, she sounds a tiny bit naive, but eager to please both him and you, which works in your kids' favour. So, I'd meet her, be polite to her, give her the info she wants.

For crying out loud she isn't a 'stepmother'!

OP isn't divorced as as such has joint responsibility with her still husband as to how the kids are parented.

Her estranged husband needs to sort this out.

ladypenelopesfan · 01/10/2023 16:50

Frazzlefrazle · 01/10/2023 16:29

I think it would be best to call your exH and have a Frank conversation like you have on here and then potentially meet once he has hopefully helped with your reservations.

Good luck.

This is sound common sense ^

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 16:53

Imagine if she didn't give a shit - and how many times have you read that on here?

ladypenelopesfan · 01/10/2023 16:57

sunglassesonthetable · 01/10/2023 16:53

Imagine if she didn't give a shit - and how many times have you read that on here?

Then it would be up to the children's father to sort it out. End of.

MehtotheChristmasrunup · 01/10/2023 16:58

EmsHugs · 01/10/2023 15:47

Thanks for reassuring me everyone that I'm not being unreasonable to a point.
As I said I didn't find being a mum easy with the first, soft play etc. Was all very tedious to me. The second DC was a surprise and PND followed soon after all during COVID.
There is a teeny wee voice in my head that is probably scared she will be better at dealing with my children than I am. Like I said my ExH is a bit of a soft touch, so they adore him. Everytime DS is handed back to me, he throws a tantrum and if I do anything DD doesn't like she hates me and wishes she was with Daddy or Granny.
ExH was always better at being a parent and going to the parties and activities, especially as I have spent the last 2 years playing catch up with my career.
I like my children but can't really be bothered with other people's so someone who has literally chosen to work with them and plays an active role in the life of her friends' children seems wild to me. All my issues I know but as soon as I open that dialogue and say yes to that relationship, that could be it. However if I say no, I run such a risk or pissing off my ExH, MiL etc and all the people who I very much need in my life to care for children and work.

I think you’re being very honest. Especially since you describe the flaws in your children and yourself rather than the bits you love.

Maybe having the kids in your own in the new dynamic might work better. I don’t think the kids will love her more even if she does a “better job”. They will still seek your approval and love because you are their mother. You are unique in their lives even if you are a bit rubbish at parenting.
My best advice is lighten up with kids. Be silly, children love it. And worry less about boundaries. They have a nanny, lots of activities and school to enforce them.

SeulementUneFois · 01/10/2023 16:59

Gymmum82 · 01/10/2023 13:04

Sounds like she’s doing her best to be a decent person and not upset you or the kids and trying to start off with an amicable relationship with you.
they’ve clearly been a thing for a long time whether serious or not. Sounds like you are jealous and maybe we’re hoping for a reconciliation with your ex?
Don’t ruin your good co parenting relationship by being a dick towards the new woman

This OP.

OurfriendsintheNE · 01/10/2023 17:01

OP can put her kids first and do her best to ensure a good relationship without having to bend over backwards to meet this new woman and discuss her children with her. If they (the Ex-H and new gf) want to gauge OP’s boundaries and preferences for the children vis-a-vis the new gf then that is a conversation for the Ex-H and OP to have. The new gf is clearly thoughtful and sensitive, which bodes well if she does end up being on the scene long term but there is absolutely no need for this to be a direct discussion between the two women. There is an able father on the scene and it’s his job to manage this situation.

Sunshinenrain · 01/10/2023 17:01

DorisDill · 01/10/2023 16:43

I’m trying to imagine it the other way, if a poster came on and said

“I have been with a boyfriend for 5 months and am going to introduce him to my DC and take him on holiday with then. He will then be involved with parenting my DC.

But before that, he wants to meet up with my ex-H and ask ex-H how he should parent the children, and he is making a list in advance so he can follow the routines etc that ex- H wants him to”…

It just… a bit weird really isn’t it?!

Show quote history

OP says they’ve been ‘talking’ for well over a year.

So even though I agree that 5 months is still quite soon to meet the kids, I actually think they’ve been in a relationship for much longer than what he’s letting on.

Iateallthechocolate · 01/10/2023 17:07

YABU personally I couldn't think of much worse than a 'nice wee ready made family' if I was dating.
I think you're lucky she gives a shit about how you parent and wants to follow your rules and routines

FlamingoFloss · 01/10/2023 17:18

I think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like she is trying to do right by you and your kids and doesn’t want any issues going forward. She’s obviously showing that she will respect your wishes when it comes to your children.
I dong mean to be harsh but do you think you may be a bit jealous?

Thatcat · 01/10/2023 17:20

Leave the OP alone. Even if it could be worse, it’s still a v tough situ. Wishing you the best of luck OP.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/10/2023 17:22

So, she is trying to respect your boundaries and understand what you want, and you are pissed off with her? I dont really get the problem? Seems you are being massively over sensitive.

MeMySonAnd1 · 01/10/2023 17:25

Arthurnewyorkcity · 01/10/2023 13:02

Stepmums are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Yes she isn't a step parent and they may last 5 minutes but she's clearly showing respect to you and wants things to stay amicable. If for example she toom your child to a girly pamper day, would that lead to you kicking off? That's the sort of thing she's asking. Should they use time out step? Maybe you're against that etc.
She IS trying too hard but it's coming from a good place imo.

This

Castleview6 · 01/10/2023 17:28

YABU It sounds like she’s trying to follow your lead - if you’ll just talk to her! Surely this is better for the children.

Panaa · 01/10/2023 17:29

londonrach · 01/10/2023 16:06

Yabu. She sounds lovely. Trying her best to do what you want re parenting.

While I think it sounds like her heart is in the right place she also sounds like it's too much too soon.

Imagine a new man of 4/5 months meeting children and then being like "right seeing as I'm now a step-parent get me up to speed on how we all raise these kids". Even a woman doing it is odd....Sure, have your little daydreams if you want that you might be that childs actual step-parent one day but it's very bizarre to start considering how you're literally going to parent the kids before you've even met them. As someone who works with kids she should already know to take it slowly with the kids. She should be well aware of how to not overstep boundaries.

Cranberriesandtea · 01/10/2023 17:30

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funinthesun19 · 01/10/2023 17:31

eager to please both him and you, which works in your kids' favour.

Well let’s just hope op and her ex aren’t the CF type parents you see on here as time goes by. If she’s eager to please them both then she might be really regretting it later on.

IMO it’s better to have clear boundaries from the get go whilst still being caring a kind. She doesn’t have to throw herself at the parents’ feet.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/10/2023 17:33

Redwinestillfine · 01/10/2023 13:06

I would meet her and answer her questions but make it clear that the co parenting relationship is between you and exH and not her. One of your no no's can be her having the kids on her own and covering for ex h. If he can't be bothered to have them they come back to you....

She cannot demand that sorry. Are you saying if her ex moves in with his new partner she demand that he can never leave the kids alone with her? Goodluck with that.