Irritated that ExH gf wants to meet me to discuss 'parenting' before meeting kids

[EmsHugs]

Ex and I have been separated for 18 months. We have 2 kids 3 & 7. Was a bit on/off for first few months of seperation. We drifted apart but have never started divorce proceedings, he will still come stay over when looking after kids if I'm on night out etc. Amicable.
He told me he was dating at the start if the year which was a but if a gut punch but I just read that to be snagging about and hooking up (fair enough, lack of sex was one of his reasons for splitting) however it turns out he has been seeing someone for 4'5 months. At the drop off this morning, he had said she would like to meet the kids but feels that given their age, she should meet me first so that I can see who it is they are spending time with. He gave me a letter from her that basically reads like a CV. It has got me properly riled up and I'm not sure why, feels a bit like she is trying too hard to be nice and certainly too soon to 'co-parent'.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I text him and asked him when he was planning to introduce them and he said he was going to do it within the next few weeks on a day out Pumpkin picking and then the plan was to do an over night and hopefully then they would all go to the lapland santa thing he had booked for him and the kids at the start of December. Seems like he has had this planned for a while.
A bit of social media snooping shows they have been a thing officially since April but he has been liking her pictures for over a year. He said they met online over a year ago and have been messaging for ages but they only started dating 6 months later. Is that not a bit weird?

FYI has no kids, seems never to have been married. Not sure if Ex and kids are a nice wee ready made family for her.

Would like to know:
YABU - she is respecting you as a mother and doing best by the kids, meet her and be the bigger person and maintain the somewhat good relationship you have with the Ex

YANBU -I'd be pissed off and tell her and Ex it is a bit soon.she is over stepping

Also: this!

YABU
She sounds lovely and is making a point of respecting you and your boundaries.

Most new partners wouldn’t give a shit about the ex and would just do what their new partner wants.
But she’s gone out of her way to go over exDH’s head, just to do what you want and not just what he wants.

I think you are very fortunate to have someone like this in your kids life, instead of someone who doesn’t respect you or your boundaries and doesn’t care about the kids.

You are upset because you thought you and DH were on and off (and potentially getting back together?) whereas in his mind you were done ages ago and just had sex every now and then but he physically and emotionally moved on.

I can completely see why you are hurt but you need to separate your anger/jealousy of this relationship vs doing the right thing for your kids.

Hopefully this relationship is going to be long term, as I don’t think you’d get this lucky if he met someone else.

Given your children are going to meet her, and perhaps in the future live with her and your ex for at least part of the time, and she may well become a significant part of their lives, what do you want for your children? Because that’s what you need to focus on - not your anger or angst. How can you arrange things that benefit your children the most?

It’s in their best interests that she understands your values and approaches, so that she can work with you and your ex to provide a stable, well structured, and supportive environment for them, and so that she doesn’t overstep the mark because she hasn’t been told not to do it.

You want your children to be happy and to feel safe with your ex and his girlfriend, however much you don’t like it, and you want a cordial relationship with them both so that if you need them for anything - swapping days/looking after one kid while you take the other to the emergency dentist/swanning off to the Seychelles with your future boyfriend, Keanu Reeves , etc. then help is available without fuss or argument. I’m not saying you need to be best mates or anything, but it would be better for the kids if you started to see her as an ally rather than an adversary. I think you have a great opportunity here, and you should put your hurt aside and grab it.

In your shoes I'd be concerned that ex expected your serious future partners to do the same as his partner is doing with you.
It sounds like she is worried about you being mad at her when she makes a mistake because she didn't know your opinions on stuff like painting dc's nails or curling their hair. Until you have proof otherwise I'd assume that she has good intentions although I would find it very intense.

Agree with these posters...

While I also agree that you're not wanting them to share a bed with your DD's, maybe the GF wouldn't want to do that either.

As for activities together they're going to happen and it would be a bit strange if your Ex's GF sat there and literally said and did nothing with your DD's so from that point I can understand her, you may have a different view to him for whatever reason, some blokes can be a bit "yeah yeah that's fine". He could have just told the GF not to bother and to do as she sees fit.

Possibly, although not on you're mind just yet but in the future you will meet someone and will introduce the new BF into your girls lives and would hope that your Ex H would be as happy for him to play a part in their lives to.

Amongst other things she wants to know:
My parenting 'non-nos'
Their ideal bedtime routine
What activities I would prefer she didn't do etc
My preferred methods of discipline
She wrote she wants to ensure consistency but frankly I think this is all OTT for someone who he has only been seeing for 5 months. Plus how about asking their father who was pretty hands on.

I would say I appreciated that she asked and that you did not want her to be acting as parent at the start, and to just be a good person to the kids, but to maintain boundaries for now...so for now to treat them warmly as though they were kids from school she was minding as opposed to family.

The issue is that I wouldn't really like the following:
Youngest sometimes sleeps in bed at night, if they did that when she was there I would want her to not be in the bed with ExH and kid
If they go swimming I don't want her changing with them
Youngest sometimes asks to wipe bum after being at toilet, again wouldn't want her doing that or bathing them.
However we have a nanny and she does all those things for the kids so seems ridiculous me saying this woman who is with their father cannot do them. Should add that this person works with children as their job, so has a trust role working with kids etc.

I would say you don't want her sleeping in bed with your child..and unless completely necessary that you wouldn't like her wiping bums, bathing them etc.

I would reply and say;

Thanks for your note it's very thoughtful of you. From your work as a teacher I'm sure you know the most important things for children in separated families is consistency of care. Thus I think my only "parenting no no" in this situation would be my ex trying to pass on his parenting obligations to his new girlfriend. I believe it's important the children are parented by their father during his contact and so discipline and routine etc is up to him. That also frees you up to be the "fun visitor" which is probably much more enjoyable for you too!

I can see why you feel a bit odd about it but it sounds like she wants to do the right thing by you, she’s probably really worried about meeting the dc and even more worried that she might upset you in some way. I have been in her position and in you position and I do think its easier to meet the new partner and talk about a few things, especially when the dc are only little and probably no able to communicate these things.

There are lots of mothers who want to meet the new gf before she meets the children.

Some people say that this is completely over the top and others say it’s normal.

There is no right way to introduce kids to a new partner (plenty of wrong ways).

She is the obviously not trying to be malicious and she’s simply just trying to put your mind at rest and respect your rules and boundaries.

It is not her fault that you feel hurt that DH has moved on and is in a serious relationship with someone else.

The silver lining in all this is that they can do all of the activities that you don’t like.
And you can go out with your friends/date without worrying about who is around your kids.
You can also finally move on from him and start finding happiness again.

Ah so your ex-OH has planned lots of Disney Dad stuff and this magically coincides with being introduced to his GF/OW…

Regardless of anything else I wouldn’t be happy with a partner of only 5 months being introduced to children so young.

I dealt with a young woman like this after I split up with my first husband.

She was actually very sweet, very naive and eventually, a complete pain in the arse who started overstepping the mark fairly quickly.

She joined school mum WhatsApp groups, and tried to undermine me by giving instructions to nursery staff that were different to mine (I was primary carer, ex was an every other weekend dad who was looking for a woman to wait on him generally and to pick up the slack during his parenting time)

I think you should put boundaries in place now and be respectful but redirect her straight back to your ex and say that he can answer all those questions as he is responsible for parenting when he has the DC, so has his own ways of doing things.

Don’t meet her either - polite but civil. They don’t get to dictate what you do or how you should do it.

Yabu. She sounds lovely. Trying her best to do what you want re parenting.

Hi there OP. I think as others have said it's bound to sting that he has a new gf that he is serious about, especially when the split is relatively recent.

That said, I would actually appreciate the approach and also actually your ex's attitude. He seems to have thought about this carefully as does she. It's also apparent that he thinks highly of you and it's good to hear about a situation where the ex isn't speaking badly of the mother of his children to the new girlfriend.

I may be a bit biased because I think I would have communicated as she did in that situation-not that I have been in it from that position. I think she seems a bit keen, but it is sensible to establish ground rules. It avoids problems in the future.

It's clearly a difficult situation but I think I would approach this as she has. Meet up for a chat/coffee, and I'd take along frank answers to her questions. If you're not happy with,for eg her bathing them just say so. 'I don't feel comfortable with it yet' is perfectly fine.
This is hard stuff though, so good luck on dealing with it. Sounds like you and your ex have a good foundation to work from.

As she is not a mother she will not appreciate just how precious a child is to you - being a godmother or Auntie is just not the same. Your children are also so young so I understand your concerns. She is very likely trying to approach this from the sensible point of view but these things are not sensible. You are obviously hurting that he has a new woman in his life and so this is making it all that bit more difficult. TBH with you I don't think there is a need to meet as such but it would be good to acknowledge the effort made by her.

This is so hard on you op. Potentially there’s another women is going to be in your children’s lives. I know if I was in your position I’d find this a shock but also hard to deal wth.

Part of me thinks she’s trying to sound amazing to your ex, make him think she’s the perfect women but also as a teacher myself, she’s probably wanting to make you and the children feel comfortable.

I think you need to do what’s best for your children. If ex is set on letting your children meet her and eventually go on holiday then it’s probably for the best that you meet her and address any concerns you have.

I fully agree with you about swimming, bathing and changes. She shouldn’t help with any toileting issues and right now is far too soon for her to be left caring for the children on her own.
It would be good to inform her of bedtimes, but I would check then that it’s ex putting the children to bed and not her.

Id probably meet ex one to one first (could other family watch the kids) just so you two can catch up on his plans for the future with this gf and what he’s expecting her ‘role’ to be in this. I’d try he very calm and polite, explain that he needs to go at the children’s pace so jumping to pick ups from gymnastics and holidays together might be too soon for the children. They might accept her really well or they might not, no one can predict that.

Once met with him, I’d meet with her and just reiterate what you’ve said to ex.

This.

The fact that she is coming to you, rather than asking her new partner about the parenting, shows you that she sees parenting as being women’s work. And it sounds like she sees herself as more than up to the challenge!

Put it back to him, he is their dad, he sets the routine as his, it’s his parenting approach that matters and it’s up up them to discuss what her role is/isn’t.

OP, I completely understand why you're hesitating here.

My brother's second wife was like this. I don't know about meeting his ex but supposedly happy to help with the kids, watch them when he had to work and she was off. Very involved from the jump. Until they got married, then she backed way off, and not long after didn't want "those kids" in her house. Projecting, yes, but not a very unusual situation, either.

I actually don't necessarily see that here but it did niggle at me.

It also feels like setting up for communication to be between you and her, rather than you and your ex. I definitely wouldn't want that since communication has been good with your ex.

I would also have been put off by just learning of her and finding out she was meeting the kids for what sounds like a planned full day and very soon after (same day?) overnight. I would think the first couple of meetings would be much more dialed back... a trip to the park and a quick meal or something like that.

I, like others, thought her message was very condescending and very much sounded like she wants a meeting, this was what she wanted to discuss and when will you do it. Not "do you want to meet me?" or "is this something you'd be interested in or would think is valuable?" Teacher-mode, maybe, but I'd be put off by anyone telling me what they want and what they expect me to do about it.

I do see what others are saying, but it comes off very much like it's all about what would make things easier and more comfortable for her, not what is best for the kids or OP's comfort with this new situation. Their Dad has had them overnight, has a routine (or not) at his house, that's the routine that matters for bedtime. Over and over we see separated/divorced parents being told that they can't control what happens at ex's house and ex needs their own routine and relationship with the kids. It sounds like this ex is a good Dad and takes good care of the children when they are with him. He should be guiding what happens when they are with him.

If it was a suggestion of a quick coffee and chat to get to know each other a little, that would be less offputting, but a meeting with an agenda would put me right off.

Seems like she is doing her absolute best to be a good step mother. I wouldn't blame her over this, she sounds a tiny bit naive, but eager to please both him and you, which works in your kids' favour. So, I'd meet her, be polite to her, give her the info she wants.

Gosh, I wish my daughters step mum had been half as interested

I'd assume that ex knows how to parent his children and when they are with him, he's in charge

But imo it's lovely that step mum wants to check she's got all the relevant info (although I'd direct her to ex husband for said info)

Could Nanny go along when kids see ex?

I think she's staking her claim to your not even ex husband, and wants you to know it.

As you have said, she can get all the info she wants from your husband, she doesn't need to talk to you about their routines, and certainly doesn't need to meet you.

I'm surprised that so many pps see her as selflessly dedicated to her boyfriends kids rather than a woman who wants to scope out the ex-wife to see if there's a threat there, and if you match up to what he told her about you. If she insecure it's in her relationship, not her ability to know when to put your kids to bed.

This exactly. I would find it very irritating.

A really decent woman would text you saying she was going to be introduced to the kids and if ever you wanted to talk about them feel free to text her and maybe you could meet for a coffee, adding that she really doesn't want to overstep.

Instead she's made a big song and dance about it virtue signalling to her partner and really hammering home the point that she's a teacher (so what?).

She sounds like she is making an amazing effort and wants to parent your way

You’ve had a lot of people call you bitter and jealous, I don’t think you are though. I think if you sit with it you’re probably insecure over another woman taking your place. And that’s stemming from the new GF being over the top, and acting like your co-parent when she’s just dads GF.

My ex got with a 40yo childless woman who I was concerned would be looking to oust me for her ready made new family, it went the other way though. She’s hateful and jealous of our children’s existence.

She could mean well and have nice if not naive intentions, but my ex’s gf did all of this too. Acted like my co-parent from day one, and pretty soon it was her answering the phone, her answering the texts, her calling the shots re contact, her playing mind games and meddling with myself and the children. Not forgetting ruining the kids birthdays and other special occasions etc. Ex pretty soon starting dropping contact and I wasn’t allowed to speak to ex.

Our peaceful amicable co-parenting is now no more thanks to spineless ex letting this loon Into our lives. And the only a ones suffering are my kids.

I would politely decline the meeting with a note saying something about how ex is your co-parent and you don’t expect nor need her to be doing any parenting/discipline/personal care, any questions can be directed to your ex. Presumably he knows the answers to her questions anyway.

And just keep and eye on things. She could be a lovely addition to their lives so make sure to ‘act right’ as my mother would say lol, but also don’t be too trusting and keep your ear to the ground with the kids.

Also to finish your feelings are completely valid, sometimes feelings are uncomfortable and confusing. And that’s okay, this is a big change for everyone including the adults as well as the children. It’s okay to struggle with it, might be good to find a supportive ear in your friend/family to offload on to?

Are you putting the KIDS FIRST by being pissed at this woman OP?

NO, You're not.

( She wants to learn about them, give consistency, and stability. )

Are you pissed off because it's new GF of 5 months ( I doubt that tbh ) A bit of a shock. Overstepping etc etc etc ?

YES, it is.

And that whilst understandable, is about YOU. You need to the right thing by your kids OP.

This is a bit hard, sad and a shock but ultimately be happy she cares. And she is trying. Don't make it about your feelings.