Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be doing 100% of the housework and childcare because my partner works?

150 replies

Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 12:52

IABU - I should do 100% of the housework and childcare 24/7
IANBU - boyfriend should help with housework and childcare on his day off

I am interested in peoples views and expectations of the roles between parents when one works full time and the other stays at home. My bf works long hours Monday-Saturday each week. Meaning he does not see the children during their waking hours. I am a SAHM and do all of the housework, childcare and mental load for the household. Our DSs are 3months and 2years so dont attend school or nursery. On Saturdays when my bf finishes work he will usually catch up with friends and then sleep a lot on a Sunday.

My view is that we should have more of a balance on a Saturday night/Sunday and both have equal amounts of ‘down time’. His view is that it is his only day off and he is not going to spend it doing housework or his plans being restricted due to having to look after the children and that he needs to use that day to rest and catch up on sleep. He is providing financially for the family and expects that I manage everything at home myself. We do not have friends/family nearby and I am struggling to find any time for myself.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/10/2023 12:54

I did all the housework etc when I was a SAHM, but my DH wanted to spend time with his children when he wasn’t working, it doesn’t sound like yours does,

YukoandHiro · 01/10/2023 12:54

I think in your set up he shouldn't have to do any housework or shopping but he should entertain the kids for a couple of hours so you can get some time to yourself.
Do you ever get out for an evening after the kids are in bed?
Tbh if you're not working at all and he's working 6 days a week and covering all bills then you should be doing all the household tasks, but down time is separate to that. You both need some time to yourself on Sunday.

Fireisland · 01/10/2023 12:55

When he's at work you should do the lion's share

When he's not working he pulls his weight

Wendysfriend · 01/10/2023 12:55

What I use to do was make sure housework was done during the week, freeing up the weekend so we could do what we really liked.

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/10/2023 12:57

Does he never spend time with the children? Do they know who he is?

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 12:58

I think you should do all the housework, mental load and so on. But on Sunday it should be half day off for each of you insofar as the children. So he should be playing with them for the morning or afternoon. Sort of an 8-12pm shift or 12pm-4pm shift not including whoever handled children while the other cooks dinner.

The odd family day out on Sunday should be with all of you say once a month or so.

Laiste · 01/10/2023 12:58

House work - no (as in that should be yours. As SAHM i can usually get enough done in the week so that the weekend is relatively house work free. Apart from a quick hoover round or something IF it needs it).

Child care - yes - they're his kids too. While he's home they're equally both of your's to look after. You should be able to pop out without them ect.

DDivaStar · 01/10/2023 12:58

He seems to work long hours so I don't think he should be doing housework in his free time. However he should be spending time with you and the kids,giving you a break and doing odd jobs in the house.

PermanentTemporary · 01/10/2023 12:58

Haven't voted sorry. Too nuanced.

Yes I do think he should actually want to have some time with the children. I think the fact that he prioritises catching up with friends after work on Saturday when you have a three month old baby and a toddler is insane. He could do dinner and bedtime on Saturdays and give you a couple of hours to yourself at least.

The fact that he works 6 days is very tough and does mean that I see he would want one day when he doesn't have to get up early. But at least you could have Sunday afternoon as a family?

Do you have joint plans for him to be able to progress to work 5 days? What's your eventual plan for working, if any, or are you going to wait until they are both at school?

Dotcheck · 01/10/2023 12:59

So, he sees the children as ‘work’ but does not recognise that you may need a break too?

That is some brilliant manipulation there!
I was a stay at home mum for a few years, and I felt it was fair if I did everything in the day ( laundry, housework, cooking), but that it was 50/50 when he was home. So, we would share tidying up after dinner, putting kids to bed etc.
So, he doesn’t think family time is valuable, or that you need time off?
You absolutely do.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 01/10/2023 12:59

He must be absolutely shattered. 6 days a week plus long hours can't be sustainable. What's the feasibility of you working so he can work less, and then in turn not be so tired he can't spend some time with his kids?

Worddance · 01/10/2023 13:00

I think it should be 50/50 between you when he is at home.

AnImaginaryCat · 01/10/2023 13:00

Fireisland · 01/10/2023 12:55

When he's at work you should do the lion's share

When he's not working he pulls his weight

Pretty much this.

Otherwise it means you "job" runs 24/7 with no time off, whilst his is just (possibly) 9 to 5/5 with annual leave.

Anything outside of what you can manage during his work hours becomes a shared duty.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 13:00

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 12:58

I think you should do all the housework, mental load and so on. But on Sunday it should be half day off for each of you insofar as the children. So he should be playing with them for the morning or afternoon. Sort of an 8-12pm shift or 12pm-4pm shift not including whoever handled children while the other cooks dinner.

The odd family day out on Sunday should be with all of you say once a month or so.

Something like this

Also, you should get married - you are in a very vulnerable position with no job and no claim on his money.

Laiste · 01/10/2023 13:01

Actually - as pp said, DH is keen to spend time with the kids when he's not at work as otherwise he doesn't see them!

Which means if i've got 99% of the housework done before the weekend my weekend is quite chilled. I still cook, but the house is nice and he plays with the kids.

DaisyWaldron · 01/10/2023 13:01

I think that you both need more or less equal leisure time and that includes taking into account time for sleep and social activities without children.If he's working 50 hours a week and saying that's enough, and you are working 80 hours of domestic labour plus on call time, then he needs to step up, or outsource some of the work you do.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2023 13:03

This is very strange op. Not the housework bit, but the children bit. So he doesn't see them at all for 6 days and then doesn't want to spend any time playing with them on the 7th. What did he have children for? Do they even know who he is?

A normal decent parent would be chomping at the bit to spend time with their children if they don't see them all week.

Dotcheck · 01/10/2023 13:03

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 01/10/2023 12:59

He must be absolutely shattered. 6 days a week plus long hours can't be sustainable. What's the feasibility of you working so he can work less, and then in turn not be so tired he can't spend some time with his kids?

For heavens sake. He PRIORITISES catching up with friends. When children are that age, you have to put time in to build a relationship. This guy doesn’t seem to want to.

Luckydip1 · 01/10/2023 13:04

50:50 when you are both back at home would be reasonable.

AffableApple · 01/10/2023 13:04

When is your day off?

Men like this are ridiculous. As soon as he clocks off, it's equal. You both need to take the same leisure time, put in the same childcare, and do the same housework to keep the house ticking over.

Also, in your position I'd want to be married. But I can't say I'd actively want to marry a man with this attitude.

Dotcheck · 01/10/2023 13:05

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 13:00

Something like this

Also, you should get married - you are in a very vulnerable position with no job and no claim on his money.

Show quote history

Or, she should think very carefully about whether or not she wants to be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to spend time with his children

Bigminnie1 · 01/10/2023 13:05

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2023 13:03

This is very strange op. Not the housework bit, but the children bit. So he doesn't see them at all for 6 days and then doesn't want to spend any time playing with them on the 7th. What did he have children for? Do they even know who he is?

A normal decent parent would be chomping at the bit to spend time with their children if they don't see them all week.

Totally agree with this. It's really sad he doesn't want to spend any time with his children.

TidyDancer · 01/10/2023 13:06

I agree that you should be doing all of the housework, apart from him clearing up after himself as he goes etc (not leaving the kitchen in a state making himself food for example). But he should be pulling his weight with the DCs, although this shouldn't need to be pointed out to him, a good parent should want to spend time with their DCs.

happyshineyperson · 01/10/2023 13:06

Also you shouldn’t have stopped work without being married.

Theunamedcat · 01/10/2023 13:07

So what would happen if you split up? Would he never see the children?

Swipe left for the next trending thread