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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be doing 100% of the housework and childcare because my partner works?

150 replies

Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 12:52

IABU - I should do 100% of the housework and childcare 24/7
IANBU - boyfriend should help with housework and childcare on his day off

I am interested in peoples views and expectations of the roles between parents when one works full time and the other stays at home. My bf works long hours Monday-Saturday each week. Meaning he does not see the children during their waking hours. I am a SAHM and do all of the housework, childcare and mental load for the household. Our DSs are 3months and 2years so dont attend school or nursery. On Saturdays when my bf finishes work he will usually catch up with friends and then sleep a lot on a Sunday.

My view is that we should have more of a balance on a Saturday night/Sunday and both have equal amounts of ‘down time’. His view is that it is his only day off and he is not going to spend it doing housework or his plans being restricted due to having to look after the children and that he needs to use that day to rest and catch up on sleep. He is providing financially for the family and expects that I manage everything at home myself. We do not have friends/family nearby and I am struggling to find any time for myself.

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 01/10/2023 13:09

happyshineyperson · 01/10/2023 13:06

Also you shouldn’t have stopped work without being married.

Why not?

ginandtonicwithlimes · 01/10/2023 13:09

YANBU. Wonder why he wanted children if he never sees them.

AcetoneForMyPhone · 01/10/2023 13:10

OP, I don't think it matters what other people do. What matters is how you feel, and sharing this with your partner, and then hearing how they feel as well. If you feel unhappy with this situation, you need to express it and brainstorm together until you can find a solution that you feel is acceptable.

Khvdrt · 01/10/2023 13:12

I agree about equal downtime for you both

AffableApple · 01/10/2023 13:12

Luckydip1 · 01/10/2023 13:09

Why not?

Show quote history

Isn't that obvious? If they broke up, she'd be entitled to nothing. He'd be required to pay maintenance, but might not. And she'd potentially have slashed her earning potential. Risky.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2023 13:13

Because @Luckydip1, being married affords the non-paid member of the team protection. That's essentially what it's for. They are working as a team to bring up children- one party bringing in the money, the other enabling them to bring in the money by doing the unpaid work. If they split now, then the op won't get any of their - what should be - joint savings.

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 13:13

Dotcheck · 01/10/2023 13:05

Or, she should think very carefully about whether or not she wants to be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to spend time with his children

Show quote history

Working six days a week and long hours is exhausting. He may feel he does not have the energy to childmind and be a bit daunted due to lack of practice rather than not wanting to. If OP has done it all since birth, he may feel wholly incapable of childminding, a sort of learned helplessness. He does need to start even though it will be hard and a learning curve at first.

Plumful · 01/10/2023 13:14

unmarried SAHM, very risky.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/10/2023 13:15

With preschoolers I think housework should be split. They are 24/7.

does he actually work long hours- that just seems like the sahm mantra on her husband when in reality he works a normal number of working hours

WaltzingWaters · 01/10/2023 13:15

you Should try to get most of the housework done during the week. But he should obviously actually want to spend some time with you and the kids when he’s not at work.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 01/10/2023 13:17

@Dotcheck I do get that, but I'm not sure I could begrudge the poor bugger a pint with mates after 6 days work when it sounds like the kids are in bed anyway. It also sounds like shit for the OP too, hence asking about if they could rebalance things a bit.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:18

It’s too nuanced to give an easy vote

For example, DH works full time and I am at home on Mat leave. I do most of the housework because I have an easier 24 hour day than he does. DD (8months) is an easy baby and he wakes up earlier than we do every morning to drive 1.5hrs to work and comes home late and shattered.

If your DH is working 6 days in a stressful job, leaving early etc. then yes I think housework should fall to you but he needs to be 50/50 with the kids when home

ScreamingBeans · 01/10/2023 13:20

No,

You should have an equal amount of leisure / rest time after you've done all the commuting, childcare, paid work and being "on call" (taking the kids to the park isn't leisure, you wouldn't go if you didn't have kids and you're on call to deal with an emergency, quarrel, childcare etc.)

If he's got hours more leisure time than you, he's coasting.

But your negotiation levers are not very strong because you're not married to him and you're not earning your own money. He's sitting pretty knowing you've got no power and are bringing up his kids for free.

ShanghaiDiva · 01/10/2023 13:24

when I was a sahm I did 100% of the housework and childcare mon to Fri as that was my role. When dh came home from work he wanted to spend time with dcs and put them to bed etc. At the weekend we shared any work that needed to be done and also made sure we both had a break from ‘work’ whether that was paid work or unpaid work.

tkwal · 01/10/2023 13:24

IMO you should talk to your partner first and come to an arrangement that suits both of you. Hobbies, sports and self care all need to be given consideration. If you were to do all the "home stuff" you would probably feel resentful and taken for granted. Communication and compromise are key

SallyWD · 01/10/2023 13:25

I was a SAHM and did all the housework and mental load. As for childcare we'd share that at weekends and evenings. I did most things in the week so weekends were free.
I could easily have got DH to do chores at the weekend but to be honest I just wanted family time or for him to be with the children. He worked such long hours in the week I wanted him to relax and be a dad at the weekend (not cleaning bathrooms etc).

Mariposista · 01/10/2023 13:27

Working 6 days a week while you work....0. Ok, that sounds fair.

ShoesoftheWorld · 01/10/2023 13:32

It's pretty awful, actually, that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with his children. What's the matter with him? Most parents working those long hours (how long are they?) would be missing their children and desperate to spend some time with them.

SquirrelFan · 01/10/2023 13:36

You both have full time jobs during the week - yours is unpaid. Presumably you both chose to have children. Imo, weekends should be more evenly divided,and he should definitely spend time with the children.

Rewis · 01/10/2023 13:49

Is the thing he wants to do on Sundays always something without you and the kids? Does he never want to spend time alone with kids or have any family time?

Lovingitallnow · 01/10/2023 13:55

I'm obvs a shit SAHM. When I had a 3 month old and a 2 year old there was no such thing as doing all the house work- it was about keeping our heads above water. My dh absolutely had to pitch in. The childcare was enough with keeping us all fed and clean. The house just didn't get cleaned/tidied. Just the bare minimum. Now they're older and Montessori etc I'm getting more done but when I had a baby there's no way I did 100% childcare and 100% housework and 100% laundry and 100% food. As soon as dh was home he'd take over childcare as much as possible, so he could see the kids. He'd clean up after the dinner I'd prepared and at the weekends we'd be 50:50. Now they're older I get most of the housework done during the week so we're still 50:50 when he's around except there's a lot less to do.

CarPour · 01/10/2023 13:56

Personally I would expect to do most of the housework during the week. I would expect him to maintain general cleanliness, obviously clean up after himself and tidy away after the DC on his day off but I wouldnt expect him to do any proper housework

I would expect to share childcare during the time he is home. Unfortunately when you have DC you have to parent and that includes in your free time. I would perhaps each take one Sunday a month for yourself each. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't want to spend time with his child

CarPour · 01/10/2023 13:57

Essentially when you have DC you are a parent all of the time and you can't just ignore that on your days off. You both need down time away from parenting but you can't just check out from parenting because you've had a busy week. Time off work isn't automatic downtime from life's responsibilities

EaudeJavel · 01/10/2023 13:59

As above

Housework: no one needs to do any at the weekend, it's done during the week. Look at the TOOM method to speed it up and not feel overwhelmed. No one needs to do more than 1 hour a day weekday (1 hour all in, laundry included), ideally even less, and a quick toy tidy of the toys before bath time.

Childcare: you are home, he's not, so of course it has to be you.

Mental load: he has the mental load and stress of work and being sole provider for the family, his mental load is probably a lot heavier than yours to be honest.

Sadly, no one can expect a day off of a lie-in with a 3 months old, it's just not possible.

The one thing I would discuss is ask WHY the father doesn't want to spend any time with his family and children on Sundays? Yes, rest and catch up on sleep, but he should be desperate to see his kids a bit between afternoon nap and bedtime! Strictly no housework, but you should all go out together for the day, or the afternoon.

EaudeJavel · 01/10/2023 14:01

to add: don't forget that it's not the same to take over the children when you don't see them 6 days a week. It's sad, but it's not as smooth and easy when you are not used to them.

He should still want to see them, but what you do automatically is harder for him (or would be harder for you if you were working and he was a SAHD). It's not an excuse in any wy for not being an involved dad, but he cannot be as comfortable with them as you are.

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