Should I be doing 100% of the housework and childcare because my partner works?

[Boymumma1]

IABU - I should do 100% of the housework and childcare 24/7
IANBU - boyfriend should help with housework and childcare on his day off

I am interested in peoples views and expectations of the roles between parents when one works full time and the other stays at home. My bf works long hours Monday-Saturday each week. Meaning he does not see the children during their waking hours. I am a SAHM and do all of the housework, childcare and mental load for the household. Our DSs are 3months and 2years so dont attend school or nursery. On Saturdays when my bf finishes work he will usually catch up with friends and then sleep a lot on a Sunday.

My view is that we should have more of a balance on a Saturday night/Sunday and both have equal amounts of ‘down time’. His view is that it is his only day off and he is not going to spend it doing housework or his plans being restricted due to having to look after the children and that he needs to use that day to rest and catch up on sleep. He is providing financially for the family and expects that I manage everything at home myself. We do not have friends/family nearby and I am struggling to find any time for myself.

When's your day off? you're working as well

This thread is relatable
I'm currently pissed off with DH. Todays my only day for a lie in as it's my only day off, so when dd8 woke up this morning she was quietly in her room. DH got up with her and made as much noise as he could (which he denies) so I then spent an hour trying unsuccessfully to get back to sleep. I got up at 7.30
Since then DH has proceeded to do fuck all in the house while I've done 2 loads of washing and cooked a Sunday dinner.

Oh and cleaned all the house too!

You have two very small children and at that stage in my life it was about survival. In terms of housework, I might just about put a wash on and hang it out. I did loads during the day keeping my kids fee, safe and entertained but was absolutely exhausted. When my DH cam home he'd take the kids and that's when I'd do housework, but things were definitely 50:50 when he was home in terms of childcare and household tasks. I think it's actually quite unreasonable to expect you to do all the housework, housework doesn't stop at the weekend so if you do it all as you are doing you will never ever get a break. Yes he's tired but you must be exhausted with all the broken sleep. You are a person, you matter, your sleep, leisure time and self care time matter too. I'd be having a very firm chat about how to make sure you get time off and extra sleep too, and that he needs to pull his weight at the weekends. You are going back to work, so he can't expect a housework free weekend, it just won't work as he will essentially be treating you as less than a person.

I married one of these men. When you go back to work you may very well find you are still doing all the other things on top of working. If he doesn't do half then regardless of his income things won't end well.

He works long hours Mon-Sat so unless you want him to have a nervous breakdown (and then find a f/t job that pays the household expenses and pay for 100% childcare) he absolutely requires downtime. You are at home and can adjust your schedule to get that time - eg a nap on the sofa while you pop a movie on for the kids etc or an online fitness

Not sure why he gets all the downtime. You are also working, sounds like 7 days a week not 6, I have a baby and a toddler and it's way harder than working a 'job' job. I'm also not sure how you'd have time to do all the housework but you're probably more organised than me.

Looking after a toddler and a baby and doing housework as well is not time off, it’s the equivalent of working. Actually I would say it’s more difficult for some people - I found it much, much harder looking after my high needs non sleeping DC all day than doing my high pressure City job.

When we had two little ones my DH worked long long hours (60-80 hour weeks) but still agreed he had it easier than looking after the DC - he pitched in 50/50 when he wasn’t at work.

Assuming you are getting as much done as you can in the week (I expect you are!) then you should definitely share Sundays. I would suggest that you alternate lie-ins, then each has an hour off during the day to do exercise/nap/hobby, and the rest of the day is spent together as a family.

@JustAMinutePleass OP is on maternity leave so once back at work he will have to step up

This is a joke, right? If I get time to have a piss, it's a Dear Diary day. A nap on the sofa? Funny. Also, when is his time with the kids at least - if not clearing up after himself?

Oh please. Let's not pretend you cannot go to the loo, slob on the sofa and have lazy days with young kids. I'd much rather take them out every day, it's easier for all of us, but nothing stops you from putting the tv on once in awhile.

3 months old don't tend to go exploring the house and be a flight risk either.

this wasn't very clear (is there a 'not' missing between to and do?) but if you're saying the DP should also do housework because he'd have to if OP wasn't around then I agree. Even if he was a single guy living alone he'd have to do some housework for himself regardless of the hours he worked so it's not a get out of jail free card.

Plus OP is paying in financially to the household, even if not loads, via SMP, so it's not unreasonable for him to also contribute via chores and childcare to make it fair. I don't agree that there's any point in ending maternity leave early and paying more in childcare for a very young baby though, however think you'll have to plan something - this isn't going to be sustainable when you're back in work as well.

Also agree with the posters who said the fact he doesn't want to spend his free time with his family is an issue.

How on Earth will it work then when you are back at work

a look at Sundays now is needed he needs to parent

@easylikeasundaymorn i meant it that if OP was working the hours her husband was and had the kids as a single mother it would be her doing the housework. He doesn’t get a get out of free jail card, period. He should be chipping in properly and doing his fair share with the children.

Why does he work 6 days a week? that's a lot!

i meant it that if OP was working the hours her husband was and had the kids as a single mother it would be her doing the housework.

Realistically she wouldn't have time to do much & there shouldn't be that much since no one would be in the house making housework

When do you catch up with friends

I'm clearly parenting wrong because I get no rest with my twins. And no, I barely get time to piss. If the telly goes on it's Justin's House for a bit of peace. No pretence here.

It sounds like he works really hard 6 days a week and is exhausted. It also sounds like you have a newborn and a toddler solo 6 days a week and you are also exhausted. Just because you aren’t paid it doesn’t mean you also aren’t working hard and are also exhausted. I think you both need to be kind to each other and both understand that it is a difficult time for you both. You both need to feel appreciated by the other. I can see both viewpoints. Personally (as someone who was a SAHM for many years) I would expect to do all the housework, but with two very young children and a partner who works very long hours, you do need to lower your standards with the house a little for a few months until your baby is a bit older. However I would expect your partner TO WANT to spend time all 4 of you together on a Sunday. Could you agree to alternate a Sunday lie-in until 9/10am but then you all spend quality time together for the rest of the day? No housework gets done on a Sunday apart from the basics - just concentrate on each taking it in turns getting a lie-in and then spending quality time together?

I also think it's a bit different if you've both agreed for someone to be a stay at home parent, and when a women is on temp mat leave. Mat leave is to bond with the baby, get used to being a parent/ parent of two etc and recover from pregnancy and birth, not make your husbands life easier. Especially if you're also wrangling a toddler. I think mat leave you need to be careful not to sacrifice too much time with your baby to do chores for your husband. You'll go back to work stressed out and the default parent who then carries on doing it all but also has a full time job.

You’re forgetting that most on MN have also raised children. I refuse to believe any full time at home mum doesn’t have time for a piss no matter how many babies they have. You need to prioritise YOU. If you choose not to do that, it’s on you.

You forget that most women are at home for a period of time doing housework / raising kids (even if just on mat leave). It becomes too easy to let go of yourself / not prioritise yourself and just cater blindly to the babies. But with a bit of organisation it is possible even with difficult babies. If needed OP could buckle up the toddler in a pushchair with a movie, put the newborn into a bouncer, and sleep / do her thing. Provided they’re fed and safe it doesn’t matter if their nappies aren’t immediately changed or not.

I get he might not want to do the laundry but he is being a shit dad by ignoring his kids so much.

And yes he works 6 days a week but you are on call 247 7 days a week so actually you are doing way more hours than him.

and yet you seem to find the time to post on MN...