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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be doing 100% of the housework and childcare because my partner works?

150 replies

Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 12:52

IABU - I should do 100% of the housework and childcare 24/7
IANBU - boyfriend should help with housework and childcare on his day off

I am interested in peoples views and expectations of the roles between parents when one works full time and the other stays at home. My bf works long hours Monday-Saturday each week. Meaning he does not see the children during their waking hours. I am a SAHM and do all of the housework, childcare and mental load for the household. Our DSs are 3months and 2years so dont attend school or nursery. On Saturdays when my bf finishes work he will usually catch up with friends and then sleep a lot on a Sunday.

My view is that we should have more of a balance on a Saturday night/Sunday and both have equal amounts of ‘down time’. His view is that it is his only day off and he is not going to spend it doing housework or his plans being restricted due to having to look after the children and that he needs to use that day to rest and catch up on sleep. He is providing financially for the family and expects that I manage everything at home myself. We do not have friends/family nearby and I am struggling to find any time for myself.

OP posts:

BubziOwl · 03/10/2023 08:54

Two under two and a SAHM here. I do most the housework purely because I'm here more often. But when my husband gets home from work and at the weekends, the dynamic is very much 50/50. I admit that we are a little stereotypical in terms of he does tend to do all the "man jobs" like bins, car stuff, whatever... but the weekends are his time off paid employment. Not his time off from being a functioning adult. He's still a father and a human being with responsibilities at the weekend, and he behaves as such.

My husband works so he can provide a nice life for us in our children's early years, not in exchange for a live-in housekeeper 🤷‍♀️ I'd find it very childish and unattractive if he started behaving like one of these man-children who cannot fathom having to actually lift a finger at home. I get the bulk of the housework done in the week, so all he realistically has to do is clean up after himself as he goes and help with some laundry. Hardly a big ask.

And he looks after his children when he's here because he is as much their parent as I am. Baffles me that any man would think otherwise.

Becgoz7 · 03/10/2023 08:55

My husband works away. He comes home friday evening.

I like to make sure the house is clean and tidy so that he (and i) don't have to spend the weekend doing housework.

I wouldn't do that if he spent the weekend seeing friends or sleeping.

We do something nice one day and have a chilled day the other day.

Sounds pretty shitty for you really.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 03/10/2023 08:58

I’m baffled by the idea of a parent who only gets one day off and doesn’t wanted to spend it with their kids. Any woman who did that would be told she should never have bothered having children.

Also, you aren’t a SAHM. You’re on mat leave. The two things are qualitatively different because when you go back to work he can’t behave like this (not that he should be while you’re on mat leave). When I was on mat leave I made it clear to my husband that mat leave is a temporary arrangement and we should stick with the division of labour we have when I’m working.

Some men get Billy-big-balls ideas about their status when they have a partner who isn’t working.

BexleyTutor · 03/10/2023 09:08

Some couples share housework if both go out to work. Some divide it so that one stays at home and does the housework and the other goes out to work and provides all the income. Both are reasonable arrangements.

Make Sunday a housework-free day so that you can both wind down and relax. Being with the children should be seen as part of that relaxation for you both.

If you are preparing the meals it is quite reasonable to ask him to wash-up and tidy the kitchen after the meal. There are certain jobs that could be allocated to him, it is part of family life! Such as mowing the lawn or house decorating, for example (traditional examples but could be other jobs).

egowise · 03/10/2023 09:13

So you work 24/7, he works 6 days a week set hours.

He's getting a far better deal here.

Funny isn't it, how looking after his own kids is work to him, but not when you do it.

felisha54 · 03/10/2023 09:35

You should do most of the housework/ childcare, however he should also want to spend time with his kids and not see it as a chore. Whilst I think you should do more at home I know my dh wouldn't just sit there and do nothing or go out and leave me when he comes home from work/ days off. He would get stuck in and get stuff done with me so that we can have a nice evening together once kids in bed.

1month · 03/10/2023 09:46

You should do 100% of the housework, cooking and childcare whilst he’s at work.

You should do most of the housework and cooking weekday evenings when he’s home.
But childcare should be 50/50

Weekends everything should be 50/50,

See it as his job is go out and work, whilst your job is to do childcare and housework.
When he’s home then it needs to be 50/50 as then it becomes both of your jobs.

AOMum · 03/10/2023 09:56

I have deliberately not read any comments so that I share my honest opinion.

I think the me from before children would have said it is unreasonable, the me after would say that he made the decision to have children and that he owes them his care and attention. That's part of being a parent. He also owes you the ability to have some 'you' time.

I am not a stay at home mum, but I am on maternity leave. We don't get to sign off. We don't get the transition from work into relaxation. Our attention is hyperfocussed constantly. We dont get to switch our brains off. If the baby is napping, we are furiously running around the house to do jobs while also having our ears hyperfocussed on noise. We dont even get those jobs done because your baby will have a poo accident, be hungry ect. Even being 'nap trapped' with a baby on your chest is exhausting sometimes. It's also physically exhausting. Since having a baby my body HURTS. Constant bending over, lifting, holding at certain angles. Not only do we do this in the day, but even in the night we can't catch up our sleep. At least in the beginning. A 24 hour job and it's deemed unfair of us mums to expect help from someone doing less than half of this.

I don't know what your partner does for work but for my partner he gets to leave the house and talk to adults. He gets to leave being dad and be the 'himself' for a few hours everyday. He gets to think beyond fatherhood. I remember that I promised my work that I would come and help for a few hours about 1 month after my baby was born. Those few hours at work felt like a break!

So my answer to this is raising children and housework is a 24 hour job. And to expect one person to do it is crazy. I don't know how single mums/dad's do it. Your partner has a responsibility to his kids but also to you. You are allowed to be YOU for a few hours because that makes you a better mum. There is a reason jobs give you lunch breaks or coffee breaks, because they recognise that it improves work quality. So surely you are owed that too? Especially since your hours are far longer than any 9 to 5 job!

MargotBamborough · 03/10/2023 10:01

You should each have equal downtime and he needs to spend some time with his kids so they actually know who he is.

Mirabai · 03/10/2023 10:05

You’re not a SAHM you’re in ML and this setup is not sustainable once you go back to work.

SunRainStorm · 03/10/2023 10:15

Nonplusultra · 03/10/2023 08:24

If a man is working and a woman is on maternity leave

He should be able to avail of an easier lifestyle than when he was single and had to cook, clean and wash his own laundry.

She should take on 3 people’s meals, cleaning and laundry, a pay cut and it’s associated drop in standard of living, as well as the long term financial impact of reduced promotional opportunities and pension.

Anything else is obviously unreasonable.

Yes this.

piscofrisco · 03/10/2023 10:20

Housework, shopping, makaroty of childcare in week done by the SAHP, weekend left of doing family stuff, or/or you get a bit of time out each with friends or whatever whilst the other is with the kids-is how we used to do it-and that seems fair to me.

Sayitaintso33 · 03/10/2023 10:21

It depends on quite a bit really.
It depends who wanted the children. It depends on what you agreed before you had the children. It depends on how difficult the children are. It depends on how much sleep you are both getting. It depends on how much of your day is spent actually working as opposed to sitting on the couch while the kids watch TV or taking them window shopping or to the coffee shop for a treat for you. It depends on how tough is job is. It depends on how important it is for him to perform well at work.

Bellsbeachwaves · 03/10/2023 10:26

Either get married or go back to work, or both. You are in a vulnerable position unmarried.

But in the meantime, you could decide the working hours of you both, say 8-6, you both work during those hours - you sahm, him at work, and then outside of those hours you could split the 'leisure time'. That would be fairer I think.

spanishviola · 03/10/2023 10:33

So when are you supposed to get a break?

whatchulookinatwillis · 03/10/2023 11:01

Quite frankly your boyfriend seems a bit dim.

He's either saying:

A. OP should work doing the childcare and housework 24/7, 7 days a week because he doesn't want to. Which is the equivalent of him jumping up and down, waving his hands in the air and shouting "I'm a complete arsehole!!!"

Or he's saying:

B. childcare and housework isn't "work". In which case he should have zero problem spending all day Sunday doing childcare and housework as it's leisure to him.

So which is it?

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 11:59

crumblingschools · 01/10/2023 17:24

@JustAMinutePleass OP is on maternity leave so once back at work he will have to step up

Oh yes.

We've all heard that before!

PinkRoses1245 · 03/10/2023 12:13

Please please please either get married or get a job. You have zero financial security being a SAHM unmarried. And he should want to see his kids on a Sunday. Housework, you do.

Cornflakes44 · 03/10/2023 18:56

Sayitaintso33 · 03/10/2023 10:21

I'm guessing you're a man who doesn't have children based on your ignorance about what looking after them entails

EthicalNonMahogany · 04/10/2023 21:57

yes haha it doesn't depend on "who wanted the children". Hilarious.

PermanentTemporary · 04/10/2023 22:00

"It depends on how much of your day is spent actually working as opposed to sitting on the couch while the kids watch TV or taking them window shopping or to the coffee shop for a treat for you."

Jesus fucking H. on a bike. What knothead typed that?

Anyotherdude · 04/10/2023 22:35

No, you shouldn’t. Your “ job” should be the same hours as DP, he should be creating a pension for you out of his paid work, and you should both have the same amount of down-time when he is not working. Otherwise, he is having his cake and eating it! Why should you look after the DC and the house 24/7 for nothing?

Poorlymumma · 04/10/2023 22:42

I'm a sahm and my fiance works ft. I honestly don't begrudge having to do most of the housework but weekends are precious family time, walks, days out or visits with other family members, followed by a takeaway and a bottle of wine/netflix when the kids are in bed on a Saturday night. And fiance does small jobs like empties the bin/washing up at weekends too.

From what you've described I can imagine that your mon-fri isn't that different to your weekends with your children and I think my mental health would be awful if I didn't have that company and support from my partner at weekends. Everyone is entitled to the odd night out but he should be prioritising spending time with his family.
I hope you can get through to him.

ftp · 03/03/2024 00:50

Why is 2 year old not taking up his free child care? He would benefit and would have something to tell daddy when he got home helping to form a bond, if baby is asleep, then you could organise a regular evening when it is easy for you to leave them to it and go out yourself?
Could you put him into child care and find an activity with a creche for baby?
I know not ideal and not solving your problem, but might be a stress reliever for you.

JLT24 · 30/03/2024 07:06

@ftp you only get free childcare if both parents are working

Time outside of his working hours should be split fairly with you both getting regular downtime each week to have time to yourself and ideally time together as a family. It’s not sustainable otherwise.

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