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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be doing 100% of the housework and childcare because my partner works?

150 replies

Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 12:52

IABU - I should do 100% of the housework and childcare 24/7
IANBU - boyfriend should help with housework and childcare on his day off

I am interested in peoples views and expectations of the roles between parents when one works full time and the other stays at home. My bf works long hours Monday-Saturday each week. Meaning he does not see the children during their waking hours. I am a SAHM and do all of the housework, childcare and mental load for the household. Our DSs are 3months and 2years so dont attend school or nursery. On Saturdays when my bf finishes work he will usually catch up with friends and then sleep a lot on a Sunday.

My view is that we should have more of a balance on a Saturday night/Sunday and both have equal amounts of ‘down time’. His view is that it is his only day off and he is not going to spend it doing housework or his plans being restricted due to having to look after the children and that he needs to use that day to rest and catch up on sleep. He is providing financially for the family and expects that I manage everything at home myself. We do not have friends/family nearby and I am struggling to find any time for myself.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 01/10/2023 14:05

What a miserable sounding relationship and life for you and your children.

Naunet · 01/10/2023 14:06

Childminding?! They’re his children, it’s called parenting! He shouldn’t have had children if he didn’t want to be a parent.

AffableApple · 01/10/2023 14:08

Mariposista · 01/10/2023 13:27

Working 6 days a week while you work....0. Ok, that sounds fair.

Yes, 0 days paid work. 24/7 unpaid work.

Cephalaria · 01/10/2023 14:13

When we were in that situation I did all the house work but DH did plenty with the children. He would get up early with them on a weekend and play with them and do bedtimes.

It doesn't sound like your partner is engaging in family life at all. I think at the weekend you should each spell each other off for a lie in and some free time. He needs to stop the meet ups with friends.

Original poster
Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 14:14

I haven’t stopped work I’m on maternity leave for 9 months but pulled 2y/o out of nursery to save childcare fees while I’m off

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 01/10/2023 14:15

Sounds like he is working incredibly hard OP. Presumably he is out before 7am and back after 7pm 6 days a week. Sounds like he is doing 60 hours or so?

what sort of work does he do? Is it physical or sat down?

Sounds like he’s working really hard to be fair to him. In that situation I’d expect him to be in duty for the kids for a few hours on the Sunday. But honestly not that much more.

bonzaitree · 01/10/2023 14:16

Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 14:14

I haven’t stopped work I’m on maternity leave for 9 months but pulled 2y/o out of nursery to save childcare fees while I’m off

Get back to work.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2023 14:20

Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 14:14

I haven’t stopped work I’m on maternity leave for 9 months but pulled 2y/o out of nursery to save childcare fees while I’m off

So what's his plan when you go back>?

Sceptre86 · 01/10/2023 14:20

Having 2 children with a man who doesn't wish to spend his spare time with them was not a wise decision. Having said that, all families have different set ups and that's fine as long as both partners are happy. You aren't though so there is an issue. I would expect in this scenario that you did the bulk of housework as you are home to do it but I would expect him to want to spend time with his children on his day off. He can have his lie in and then take the kids out for a while with or without you or doing bedtime so you can have some free time. It's hard with young kids and with the ages of yours you are really in the thick of it. If money allows you could outsource certain things to make your life easier in the short term but honestly do you think this relationship has a future?

ImNotReallySpartacus · 01/10/2023 14:20

ginandtonicwithlimes · 01/10/2023 13:09

YANBU. Wonder why he wanted children if he never sees them.

Maybe he didn't.

crumblingschools · 01/10/2023 14:22

How much parenting does he actually do?

What will the set up be when you go back to work?

Original poster
Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 14:29

PermanentTemporary · 01/10/2023 12:58

Haven't voted sorry. Too nuanced.

Yes I do think he should actually want to have some time with the children. I think the fact that he prioritises catching up with friends after work on Saturday when you have a three month old baby and a toddler is insane. He could do dinner and bedtime on Saturdays and give you a couple of hours to yourself at least.

The fact that he works 6 days is very tough and does mean that I see he would want one day when he doesn't have to get up early. But at least you could have Sunday afternoon as a family?

Do you have joint plans for him to be able to progress to work 5 days? What's your eventual plan for working, if any, or are you going to wait until they are both at school?

Yeah I think we definitely need to prioritise quality family time when he isn’t working and he’s in agreement for that side of things. Just to clear up a couple of things mentioned - I am on maternity leave so will be returning to work when DS is 9 months old however he is covering all of the household bills whilst I’m off as I am only receiving SMP

OP posts:
Original poster
Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 14:33

happyshineyperson · 01/10/2023 13:06

Also you shouldn’t have stopped work without being married.

I haven’t stopped work I’m on maternity leave but receiving SMP which isn’t the best!

OP posts:
LunaBlueSkies · 01/10/2023 14:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 14:49

@LunaBlueSkies of course this pattern of behaviour won’t be new

it never is

Original poster
Boymumma1 · 01/10/2023 14:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

He was great but didn’t work as many hours, he has taken on a new contract within his workplace which is a physical job and is very full on which has put a big strain on us at home, especially now we have two children!

Some insightful and balanced views amongst the responses thank you everyone, I think we definitely need to come to an arrangement and change things in terms of family time Sundays but housework etc to be my responsibility during the week - I think I just find it hard to keep on top of it all with 2 little ones who don’t sleep well and then never get the chance to catch up on the sleep! But DP is working very hard so can’t be resentful towards him either! Definitely in a tough spot in our relationship here.

OP posts:
Riva5784 · 01/10/2023 14:56

I agree, the pattern of behaviour won't be new. The difference is that now OP is caring for a toddler and a newborn, which is exhausting.

Do you get any time to yourself at all @Boymumma1? You say he sleeps a lot on Sundays. Do you ever get the chance to have a lie in?

Riva5784 · 01/10/2023 15:02

Cross posts, you answered my question about sleep. Yes DP works hard, but so do you. I hope you can come to some kind of compromise where you each can have time to yourselves, catch up on your sleep and have quality family time.

Spacecowboys · 01/10/2023 15:03

Yes I’d expect to do all the housework and life admin whilst he was working. Family time on his days off plus the opportunity every month or two to each have ‘me’ time, to meet with friends etc.

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 15:03

@Boymumma1 did you not discuss this when he took on the new contract?

Lizzieregina · 01/10/2023 15:17

When I was in a similar situation (DH always worked 6 days, about 50 hours a week) I did do all the household stuff during the week. On Sunday morning when I woke up from my lie in, he’d be gone with the kids. Fed, dressed and gone visiting or to the park. He wanted time with the kids, and to give me a break. If he wanted a Sunday afternoon snooze, then he took one.

Your OH needs to step up on Sundays and let you have a break, one week you get the lie in (if you’d like it) and next week he gets it. Team work.

whynotwhatknot · 01/10/2023 15:26

did you hve a conversation about him taking on more work at the time

what happens when you got back to work

209448spp · 01/10/2023 15:32

If you were a single mum working who would do the house work? You.
So just because he’s working doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to do housework and he should definitely spend time with his children.
Try and go back to work so you have your own independence and something for yourself even if it’s part time.

LunaBlueSkies · 01/10/2023 15:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/10/2023 15:33

I think mat leave is different to being a sahp. It's at the tough newborn stage and looking after a young baby and toddler is absolutely exhausting. You are supposed to be using this time to recover from pregnancy and birth and bond with the baby primarily.

I think his working hours are not compatible with a young family to be honest. I couldn't have done all the housework and mental load whilst entertaining a toddler and looking after a baby. In your position if I had any spare cash at all I'd be getting a cleaner.

Also I think it's shit that he prioritises seeing his mates when he has a baby and toddler and partner at home. And shit that he sees spending time with his own kids once a week as being restricted with childcare. Why bother having kids then?

I think its about getting equal leisure and downtime. When is your time to see friends or chill? He can't have it both ways - either looking after kids is easy and relaxing- in which case he can do his share on Sundays without it tiring him out. Or ita hard work - in which case he needs to acknowledge that you need a break as well.

I think it's different if both of you agree for one of you to be a sahp when kids are older, as there is generally a bit more rest time (eg when kids are at school) and it's something that is actively chosen unlike mat leave which is usually taken and seen as a necessity (for a few months at least)

What's the plan when you go back to work though? It's not going to be easy for you if you have to do all mental load ,all housework, all nursery settling in, kids sick days, all pick ups and drop offs AND work, because of his work. Will he do his fair share at the weekend then?

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