Should I be doing 100% of the housework and childcare because my partner works?

[Boymumma1]

IABU - I should do 100% of the housework and childcare 24/7
IANBU - boyfriend should help with housework and childcare on his day off

I am interested in peoples views and expectations of the roles between parents when one works full time and the other stays at home. My bf works long hours Monday-Saturday each week. Meaning he does not see the children during their waking hours. I am a SAHM and do all of the housework, childcare and mental load for the household. Our DSs are 3months and 2years so dont attend school or nursery. On Saturdays when my bf finishes work he will usually catch up with friends and then sleep a lot on a Sunday.

My view is that we should have more of a balance on a Saturday night/Sunday and both have equal amounts of ‘down time’. His view is that it is his only day off and he is not going to spend it doing housework or his plans being restricted due to having to look after the children and that he needs to use that day to rest and catch up on sleep. He is providing financially for the family and expects that I manage everything at home myself. We do not have friends/family nearby and I am struggling to find any time for myself.

I have a lot of time to post on MN because I spend a lot of time supervising someone who can’t keep themself safe. I can’t do anything like read a book or do the laundry but I can mumsnet or play cuttheropeor whatever.

Buckle the toddler in a high chair and leave the baby in a dirty nappy to make sure Dh is well rested and in a clean home whilst she's on maternity leave. I've heard it all now. Who's going to do the housework when she's back at work if this man is likely to have a nervous break down if he had to pitch in.

Thanks for the patronising mumsplaiining, random poster. This is my experience. We're all different. Perhaps our experiences differ too? Either way this is of no use or ornament to anyone.

I think I'll be in the minority here but as a SAHM I think it's unreasonable to expect your partner to come home and do more (house)work at the weekend. Yes, parenting is a full time job but he also has a full time job too. If you don't like the cleaning, hire a cleaner but don't expect him to do it when he's tired from bring home the money. As a SAHM myself I do find time to clean the house when my dd (1) is sleeping. I also put her into child care 1 morning a week so I can have time to myself and she can learn to socialise with others. You do have other options than to make him clean too. Hope this helps but I suspect it's not what you wanted to hear.

How does a full time job stop a healthy adult being able to sort their home life out? Most people have full time jobs, and also do their own laundry.

I've never understood how fatherhood transforms 'has a job like everyone else' to 'must be knackered from working so hard, needs a hot meal prepared for him when he gets home'.

One day on his own with two little ones and he'd be begging to go back to 'work'. That place where you can have a hot cup of tea whenever you like and use the toilet all by yourself.

I can’t help but think that you must be utterly exhausted! FWIW your main ‘job’ should be caring for the children whilst he’s at work, and if you can do some housework whilst he’s at work that’s great. What you couldn’t get done should be split between you both when he’s at home.

Frankly, I think he’s taking the piss with his time off work, because it’s not equal - sure, he wants downtime but where is yours? You’re on call 24/7 to the little people you both made, whilst he fucks off out or sleeps when he’s not at work. When do you get to sleep? Or have time with other adults without keeping an ear out for the baby and without the running risk assessment in your head to keep your toddler safe? The down time should be divided equally, or take it in turns, so you have a chance to recharge yourself. Why do his needs have priority over yours?

What is his plan when you go back to work from maternity leave? You work and continue doing all the domestic load and childcare? Or will it be split fairer then? If it’ll be fairer, why not start that now?

I’m sorry for the rant, there might be some built up resentment from me raging out here!

Yes in the week but weekends you should share childcare and chores ..........your suppose to be a team.

That response was to a woman claiming she didn’t have time to piss (and yet always has tIme to post on MN and can argue with others for up to 30mins at a time).

Everything needs to be more even
He needs to work fewer hours and see his family through the week...picking up some of that childcare after work, and being home while they are asleep so you can do something in an evening.
He should want to spend time with you and the kids at the weekend...as well as see his mates.

You should be able to do bulk of housework through the week, but he could help with things link washing up and cooking as he goes.

For me, it only works because we both work and it's even. If you worked a few hours a week he could perhaps reduce his hours. But he probably feels A LOT of pressure to provide financially right now.

OMG ignore people who think you should be doing all the housework!! Especially the one who has one (1) 1 year old in nursery!!

You have a THREE MONTH old baby and a two year old. It's completely likely you will get no down time, no naps, hardly any food, a significantly broken night, and be very very tired and recovering from birth.

You are at home and can adjust your schedule to get that time - eg a nap on the sofa while you pop a movie on for the kids etc or an online fitness

I can't even. A three month old could be contact napping all the time, and you need to prep food for the two year old and sort out urgent cleaning like nappies and toddler doing a poo on the carpet etc. This poster is bonkers unrealistic.

So! To the husband. There is no way he should be energetic enough to go out with his mates on Saturday nights if he is pulling his weight, at this stage. Maybe in a year.

You need to tell him very firmly the following:-

You are doing far more hours than him. It is deeply unfair and may lead to you leaving him and if you do there will be days when he is responsible for work AND children.

He isn't even "bringing in all the money" you have SMP and a job to go back to.

He thinks he's earning enough to cover all your expenses and the children's care and expenses and all the unpaid work you are doing in the house so he should not have any extra to do. I guarantee he is NOT earning enough to cover FT childcare, plus cooking, laundry, housework and admin for the children. Plus cooking and housework for him, to the extent that he doesn't need to do any (even with no kids a single working man has some housework to do). So his sense that it's fair because he earns the money is wrong. He is not earning enough to cover not thinking about this stuff. His money does not cover his Sunday lie in.

Emotionally, how can he see you struggle? I don't think that's an argument to use with him as he won't care, but for yourself...are you sure this is what you want?

This is no way to live for either of you. Long hours, six days a week, at a very physical job, must be knackering. And I can see how you both need Sunday to be time off, but that you also need family time.

Hour long will this contract last? This life isn't sustainable. When you go back to work, can you both pay for a cleaner?

He is working long hours six days a week, I think six day weeks are too much and he does need downtime to be honest. Surely there is not housework to be done every single day. I think he should be spending time with and sharing the looking after children on his day off.

he'd be begging to go back to 'work'. That place where you can have a hot cup of tea whenever you like and use the toilet all by yourself.

My job absolutely didn't allow me to have a cup of tea whenever I liked, and though I could use the toilet by myself, I couldn't go except at specific times to so heaven help me if I got caught short.

Being at home with my babies bought me the freedom that I never had at work. I LOVED being my own boss and structuring my own day.

In my opinion you should be doing as much of the housework as reasonably possible while he’s at work, although that might be limited with 2 children. Outside of his working hours you should be sharing housework and childcare and should both have opportunities for rest and play. What’s most worrying for me about all of this is his complete disregard for his children’s needs for a relationship with him. He sounds incredibly self centred

I know people do manage, but when my kids were 0 and 3 I struggled to make dinner honestly. I couldn't take my eyes off the 3 year old so things relied completely on them both napping at the same time which often didn't happen, to get any jobs done. I often did them when my husband was home. His job also sounds very draining. But to me it sounds like you work 7 days a week and he works 6 days. I think that last day should be about you both working together to help the other refuel a bit! Without a doubt the hardest job I have done is look after a toddler and a baby. When you go back to work he will have to help then anyway x

P.S. When does he see his babies?

we both work full time and I still do 90% of the housework. I wfh so I tend to do it in the commute time or around meetings / lunch etc

I think if you’re home all day then your job is to keep the house running and the kids sorted. It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me that you would do all the housework and washing etc.

I wouldn’t be happy about him prioritising his friends though, that seems selfish.

I'm in your boat right now. We have 4 kids (13,11,3 and 2) my bf is self employed so some days he doesn't work at all but he's usual hours are Monday to Friday. I have to do everything. Cooking, cleaning, organising, taking kids to school literally everything you can think of. My eldest is autistic so going on family adventures is not something we do as he struggles so most of the time we are indoors. But here's the thing...when I was working and he was a sahd, I would still come home and do the housework. I used to work 9am till 10pm 5 days a week. But now he's the one working he doesn't have to do it because he's tired. My mental health has struggled more than it ever has done and I lost my parents at 15 in a horrific crash. So what you need to ask yourself is...if the tables were turned would he be doing everything whilst you were at work or would things be done 50/50? My oh is a selfish pos but when you love someone what do you do?? In my opinion your not being unreasonable, your just struggling as motherhood is really hard.

Very true.

I was (am) a SAHM and did all the child-related stuff, but it is insanity to do this if you're not married.

I don't know why everyone on MN is so hung up about housework, though. I regarded being a SAHM as essentially child-related, and any housework was done very randomly.

It would be reasonable, normal, and kind for him to:

• occasionally cook dinner
• sort out the washing up
• do his own laundry
• take the kids for half a day on his (and your) day off
• clean up after any of his own mess he makes
• spend time as a family on your day together

That is a normal relationship with a grown up man who understands that a sahm is not a skivvy.

The outlook is not good for you, I'm afraid. You need to do some serious thinking about this relationship.

I would add that the age of your two kids is not fun, I found it incredibly draining and tedious. So I can understand why he doesn't want to spend time with them. I can imagine their behaviour towards him is even worse, guven they have no clue who he is. However, we don't get to live life in exactly the way we please, especially when we have spawned children. Suck it up.

You need to be firmer. Organise a day out and say, the kids will be yours weekend after next while I do 'booked event you can't get out of'.

Like fuck would I be providing free housework and childcare to enable a man I wasn't married to to progress his career.

You are providing him with free labour that he is leveraging to make money for himself.

You have no legal right to have your contribution recognised if you split.

If you're not married then it should be 50/50 IMO.

Legally you're roommates.

People will have lots of views on this, I can see both points of view as valid as he has no idea how it feels to spend all day engaged in house & childcare but equally you haven't had the experience of working all day then coming home and being expected to take over (what you see as) someone else's job.
Most people spend their "day off" doing a mix of some housework or DIY / maintenance / gardening etc and some leisure activity.
But, you could get the house ready for the weekend so that there isn't anything much to do on the "day off" - I'd say as long as the day off is spent communally as a family doing something nice together so you can both enjoy the "no work" day eg not him playing computer games / out with mates every week. You both have children, so expecting to be able to get away from them on your day off isn't really feasible unless you have a helpful grandparent or auntie nearby.

If a man is working and a woman is on maternity leave

He should be able to avail of an easier lifestyle than when he was single and had to cook, clean and wash his own laundry.

She should take on 3 people’s meals, cleaning and laundry, a pay cut and it’s associated drop in standard of living, as well as the long term financial impact of reduced promotional opportunities and pension.

Anything else is obviously unreasonable.

Dh works full time. I work part time. (10 hours)

Mon-Fri I do everything with kids all housework and mental load. He comes in and teas ready. He eats then plays with kids while I clean up. We do bedtime together.

Sat/Sun We each get a lay in. We both share house jobs/kids. Sometimes one of us will see friends.

Your dh should help on a weekend and you should both get a break.