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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell family to stop buying things for DD?

140 replies

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 10:51

DH and I have a DD who is currently 8 months old.

Since she was born family on both sides have not been able to contain themselves from buying things for her, which is lovely but it’s getting too much - especially since DH and I get loads for her too - we are weak and waited 10 years for her so can’t help ourselves (last month for example, she got 6 new toys from us and about 20 from family and friends! - it’s a regular issue too, there hasn’t been one month where she hasn’t received at least 10+ toys)

Issue seems to be on both sides we have family with a lot of disposable income, she is the first baby on my side of the family for over 12 years, so I’ve got cousins who have started working full time but are still living at home with money to burn, my brother is for some reason now a baby person and really loves spoiling her (he has ASD and up until now hated kids!) on my DHs side they have other young children in the family but she is the first girl (and for my FIL and MIL the only grand child they see regularly) so gets spoiled from that angle - new clothes mainly but also toys. My father lives abroad and seems to be over compensating from missing out on seeing her as much by sending ‘care packages’ every month too.

I’ve told my family if they have money to burn to start putting that money into her savings account, which most have started doing (my brother has now started putting savings in, but for some reason can’t help himself if he sees something she might like, but he is half way there) however DH doesn’t want to say the same to his family as he thinks it’s rude.

I have said as a compromise we can ask for gifts with receipts so we can just return them secretly. Which he has also vetoed as ‘rude’

Our house is over run with toys, clothes all the way up to 2-3 years, and it’s getting too much. Worst part is it’s not even just family, we get weekly door drops of gifts and toys from old people in the villiage too, who I can’t really ask to put money in savings for her so I’m trying to tackle the people we can be more honest with.

But before I really push for DH to speak to his family, or just do it myself.

Is it rude to ask for people to put the money they’d spend on a toy into her savings?

YABU - it’s rude

YANBU - it’s not rude

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 01/10/2023 10:54

YABU you can't really ask people for money instead of gifts.

You should be glad you have such a loving family who want to spoil your daughter.

Why don't YOU stop buying stuff and put the money you would of spent in an account for her if thats what you would prefer.

Luxell934 · 01/10/2023 10:55

and then you can donate all the toys she doesn't need/play with anymore to a children's charity or hospital.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 10:56

We don’t have a house big enough for it all, last week DHs brother turned up with a massive play table!

It’s such a waste.

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 10:56

If they won't stop sell it on ebay?

DuplicateUserName · 01/10/2023 10:57

I’ve told my family if they have money to burn to start putting that money into her savings account,

How fucking rude.

You'd be lucky to get a penny out of me for that.

smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 10:57

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 10:56

We don’t have a house big enough for it all, last week DHs brother turned up with a massive play table!

It’s such a waste.

DH needs to have a chat then. Say it's appreciated but studies have shown kids are better off spending more time with fewer toys

Flipflopflopflip · 01/10/2023 10:58

You can't ask for money FGS. Just start giving stuff to the charity shop or refusing it where you can. Can grandparents keep toys at their houses? Stop buying so much stuft yourselves, that will help?!

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:00

@DuplicateUserName glad I’m not unfortunate enough to be related to you then.

If they have money to burn they can put it towards something actually useful for her. Otherwise it’s just adding something to the list of things for me to do (finding a charity shop to dump it in)

Thankfully my family were totally understanding and have all started to save for her.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 01/10/2023 11:00

Take the stuff you don’t need to a woman’s shelter. Tell people as you have so much stuff you’ve started dropping it off to the local woman’s shelter.

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 01/10/2023 11:00

Did your dh ask his brother where he could see a free space for the play table? Take a pic of the room overwhelmed with stuff; take a pic of the bulging cupboards of clothes and ask them to help you to manage the available space by spreading their generosity over a longer period of time and by stocking contributions into a bank account rather than eventually, landfill. Or do what I did - sell it frequently at a play group thrift sale, benefiting their coffers and assuaging my guilt.

smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 11:01

CherryMaDeara · 01/10/2023 11:00

Take the stuff you don’t need to a woman’s shelter. Tell people as you have so much stuff you’ve started dropping it off to the local woman’s shelter.

Edited

I'd ask a baby bank if they want it personally

SunsetCurtain · 01/10/2023 11:03

Honestly, I think asking for the money is shockingly rude.
She's only 8 months, they'll calm down soon.

DuplicateUserName · 01/10/2023 11:03

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:00

@DuplicateUserName glad I’m not unfortunate enough to be related to you then.

If they have money to burn they can put it towards something actually useful for her. Otherwise it’s just adding something to the list of things for me to do (finding a charity shop to dump it in)

Thankfully my family were totally understanding and have all started to save for her.

I would be the unfortunate one if we were.

None of my family or friends for that matter would phrase something so horribly, as they were raised with manners.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:08

@Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals apparently he was taken aback and didn’t say anything, just a ‘oh thank you’

I came home and there is a massive play table in the middle of the lounge and our coffee table has been turned on it’s side and squeezed into the hallway!

Im going to have to sell the play table (as I can’t even fit it in the car to take anywhere as it doesn’t come apart - solid wood thing), but again DH thinks this is rude as what if his brother asks where it is when he next comes over!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/10/2023 11:09

Why are you buying "loads" for your DD 'we are weak ... so can't help ourselves' Hmm ... of course you can, it sounds as though all of you are fixated on "material gifts". Just stop .. put the money you would spend in a savings account .. are you prepared for the future? Driving lessons, Uni costs etc etc.

And you'll just have to give away/charity shop the excess toys.

JobMatch3000 · 01/10/2023 11:10

I'd just stick the excess toys on Gumtree/Marketplace and/or donate to a local charity shop.

Wakeywake · 01/10/2023 11:13

You can ask them to stop buying stuff, you can't ask them to give you money instead. And you can start by reining in your own buying urges.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:18

@Ragwort we save a healthy amount for her and yes do get her things when out too (we have cut back 🙃)

When with her I totally understand giving into the puppy eyes, it’s when they’re not under the baby spell it bugs me. Plus the overly large items, a small toy that can be shoved in a box maybe, a massive piece of furniture - no.

She came home from a day out with Nanny yesterday with a fake carrot that she fell in love with, which I can forgive as she is persuasive in person Grin

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 01/10/2023 11:20

I don’t see why you should be the ones to stop, it’s your long awaited DC. Obviously people are buying because it’s enjoyable and putting money in a savings account doesn’t give them instant gratification.

It’s a bit self serving of them when they know you simply haven’t got the room.

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 01/10/2023 11:21

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:18

@Ragwort we save a healthy amount for her and yes do get her things when out too (we have cut back 🙃)

When with her I totally understand giving into the puppy eyes, it’s when they’re not under the baby spell it bugs me. Plus the overly large items, a small toy that can be shoved in a box maybe, a massive piece of furniture - no.

She came home from a day out with Nanny yesterday with a fake carrot that she fell in love with, which I can forgive as she is persuasive in person Grin

You seem to be criticising others for doing exactly what you are doing.
Stop buying her so much and donate/sell anything deemed 'extra'.

WhateverMate · 01/10/2023 11:21

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:18

@Ragwort we save a healthy amount for her and yes do get her things when out too (we have cut back 🙃)

When with her I totally understand giving into the puppy eyes, it’s when they’re not under the baby spell it bugs me. Plus the overly large items, a small toy that can be shoved in a box maybe, a massive piece of furniture - no.

She came home from a day out with Nanny yesterday with a fake carrot that she fell in love with, which I can forgive as she is persuasive in person Grin

When with her I totally understand giving into the puppy eyes, it’s when they’re not under the baby spell it bugs me.

She's an 8 month old baby, what do you mean 'giving in to the puppy eyes'?

00100001 · 01/10/2023 11:22

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 10:56

We don’t have a house big enough for it all, last week DHs brother turned up with a massive play table!

It’s such a waste.

...so stop buying her shit she doesn't need...

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:22

@Sehenswürdigkeiten

do you honestly not comprehend the difference between parents buying items for their child and multiple family members doing the same thing?

We only buy items we have space for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:24

@WhateverMate

have you never seen a baby?

she will spot something she likes, if taken away she will give the gooey eyes. She even swindled a woman working in a local charity shop last week when trying to get rid of some of her shit, she saw her looking longingly at a dinosaur and gave it to her!

OP posts:
sleepyscientist · 01/10/2023 11:24

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:08

@Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals apparently he was taken aback and didn’t say anything, just a ‘oh thank you’

I came home and there is a massive play table in the middle of the lounge and our coffee table has been turned on it’s side and squeezed into the hallway!

Im going to have to sell the play table (as I can’t even fit it in the car to take anywhere as it doesn’t come apart - solid wood thing), but again DH thinks this is rude as what if his brother asks where it is when he next comes over!

Sell the coffee table welcome to your house for the next 5 years at least. We built a sunroom as a play room when DS was that age! Now we let the family buy most things he wants and put what we would have spent into a saving account so he gets the best of both worlds. It honestly gets easier once they want more expensive things as people naturally buy less than cheap baby clothes and toys.