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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell family to stop buying things for DD?

140 replies

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 10:51

DH and I have a DD who is currently 8 months old.

Since she was born family on both sides have not been able to contain themselves from buying things for her, which is lovely but it’s getting too much - especially since DH and I get loads for her too - we are weak and waited 10 years for her so can’t help ourselves (last month for example, she got 6 new toys from us and about 20 from family and friends! - it’s a regular issue too, there hasn’t been one month where she hasn’t received at least 10+ toys)

Issue seems to be on both sides we have family with a lot of disposable income, she is the first baby on my side of the family for over 12 years, so I’ve got cousins who have started working full time but are still living at home with money to burn, my brother is for some reason now a baby person and really loves spoiling her (he has ASD and up until now hated kids!) on my DHs side they have other young children in the family but she is the first girl (and for my FIL and MIL the only grand child they see regularly) so gets spoiled from that angle - new clothes mainly but also toys. My father lives abroad and seems to be over compensating from missing out on seeing her as much by sending ‘care packages’ every month too.

I’ve told my family if they have money to burn to start putting that money into her savings account, which most have started doing (my brother has now started putting savings in, but for some reason can’t help himself if he sees something she might like, but he is half way there) however DH doesn’t want to say the same to his family as he thinks it’s rude.

I have said as a compromise we can ask for gifts with receipts so we can just return them secretly. Which he has also vetoed as ‘rude’

Our house is over run with toys, clothes all the way up to 2-3 years, and it’s getting too much. Worst part is it’s not even just family, we get weekly door drops of gifts and toys from old people in the villiage too, who I can’t really ask to put money in savings for her so I’m trying to tackle the people we can be more honest with.

But before I really push for DH to speak to his family, or just do it myself.

Is it rude to ask for people to put the money they’d spend on a toy into her savings?

YABU - it’s rude

YANBU - it’s not rude

OP posts:
Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 01/10/2023 12:24

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:08

@Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals apparently he was taken aback and didn’t say anything, just a ‘oh thank you’

I came home and there is a massive play table in the middle of the lounge and our coffee table has been turned on it’s side and squeezed into the hallway!

Im going to have to sell the play table (as I can’t even fit it in the car to take anywhere as it doesn’t come apart - solid wood thing), but again DH thinks this is rude as what if his brother asks where it is when he next comes over!

How about you tell your husband to sort it out and take a step way back - you’re doing the emotional lifting here and it’s also his family who are overwhelming you with a ride of stuff. Ask him to find a solution and you may find that he doesn’t enjoy that effort and gets a bit more assertive.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 12:24

@smallshinybutton

I have started with the play table! He needs to get rid by tomorrow or I’m messaging the family!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 12:27

@Sehenswürdigkeiten of course it’s a bloody typo.

Christ some on here are a bit weird.

Unless you know of counties holding votes for the children with the most bones? As if so my nephew was born with an extra finger so he’s got a good chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 12:28

@Notagains

She already has an activity table, also you can’t put cups down on a play table.

DHs mission today is to get rid otherwise I’m listening to the majority vote and just telling his family

OP posts:
Northernsoul72 · 01/10/2023 12:31

How lovely your child is loved so much. I do think its a very sensitive situation though and you do risk offending people. I think i would donate the surplus to charity or a hospital. Many children are not as lucky as your child

HellNoBedBug · 01/10/2023 12:32

Small things is one thing but a giant table is another thing. You can’t move your own furniture out. Get your DH to say they love the love for her but they need to check with you first before getting big things as there is no room and so they want to keep the table at grandparents house for when she visits?

HAF1119 · 01/10/2023 12:34

Could you ask your DH to say - we really appreciate the gifts and spoiling but we are running out of room at home and don't want to have to start getting rid of the lovely gifts when they're barely played with, we'd love it if you wanted to use the money to have an experience with DC?

Then they could pay to take DC to the farm, to a soft play, to a zoo etc? They can still spoil but with time/an outing?

stillawip · 01/10/2023 12:35

How about saying to people that you’re so thrilled that they want to spoil her, & so grateful for everything they are buying her, but you have run out of room at your house, so to buy whatever they want but keep it at their houses and it will be such a treat for her to play with when she visits them?

YeahNoYeah · 01/10/2023 12:55

I wouldnt be asking for money, or a gift receipt. Both are rude. However I would ask them to stop buying gifts as you don't have room, and any gifts they buy just say to them so sorry but could we leave it at yours as we don't have any more room. I absolutely wouldn't ask for money or a gift receipt though.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:01

@HellNoBedBug apparently according to a few posters I should indeed be removing my own furniture just to keep this pissing play table

some people truly live on another planet!

OP posts:
zingally · 01/10/2023 13:02

New babies have novelty. Especially when they're the only one, or first one in the family for a while. And 8 months is still in "novelty!" territory.

They'll start getting bored/losing interest once the 1 year mark has passed. And even more so when all these young adult cousins start having babies. In another 3-5 years you'll probably find the family is inundated with babies, and yours will be quietly forgotten, apart from birthdays and Christmases.
Plus, the lives of young adults move quickly, and the cute new family baby will be old news soon enough. They'll move on to the next "shiny!" thing. The same goes for your ASD brother.

For now, I'd just accept the gifts in the attitude of love in which they were given. Safe in the knowledge that this love-bombing won't last forever.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:05

@zingally god I hope so!

Sat here looking at a 3x3ft play table wishing i had a flamethrower.

OP posts:
MrsMara · 01/10/2023 13:05

I do understand and hated the waste element that resulted from the generosity of others towards my own dc.

It is hard to curb the excitement and generosity of adoring relatives but at some point it does become too much. It also feels wrong to donate every single thing you have been given - it is how I felt anyway.

Personally, if lack of space is the issue, i would order some of those furniture covers on amazon and cover it all in a corner outside somewhere. When family members ask after wooden tables, swings etc. direct them outside and explain you don't have space and hope to be able to use them whenever you move to a bigger house.

If space isn't the issue, store for a certain period of time then sell on/donate/giveaway.

stillawip · 01/10/2023 13:11

Load the play table into your car & take it round to DH’s brother’s house for her to play with there….

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 01/10/2023 13:26

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:24

@WhateverMate

have you never seen a baby?

she will spot something she likes, if taken away she will give the gooey eyes. She even swindled a woman working in a local charity shop last week when trying to get rid of some of her shit, she saw her looking longingly at a dinosaur and gave it to her!

Hmmm, not at 8 months, surely.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:29

@RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway yep at 8 months.

Shes walking, says 4 words, will shout for mama if she sees something she likes in the shop. Then it’s the eyes. She has recently learned ‘nana’ so MIL and my mum are now struggling even more to contain themselves when she says Nana and points to shit! (That’s how we now have a fake carrot sitting in our living room)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:30

@stillawip unfortunately the table doesn’t fit in either of our cars as otherwise we would!

It’s a solid wood thing so can’t even come apart (without taking a saw to it which I’ve been tempted to do…) BIL has a pick-up truck so it fit in that!

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 01/10/2023 13:44

Of course she’s walking around the shops at 8 months pointing at thing she wants and saying “Mama!” Of course she is…

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:47

@Luxell934 i wonder if they hold any adult reading classes where you live.

She will point at items and say ‘mama’ or ‘vava’(her word for dada) and now ‘nana’ she will make it clear she wants something and give the eyes if told no or taken away.

Sometimes she will just grab shit and stick it in her mouth, which means we need to then get it as it’s not really ok putting something back on the shelf that she has slobbered over.

you’re clearly triggered by this thread so why not move onto another post which you can read properly?

OP posts:
Gemstar3 · 01/10/2023 13:53

You need to ask them every time politely but firmly every time not to keep buying more things as you have run out of space. Agree with pp that if they then ask where the gifts are it’s the perfect opportunity to explain where it is - “we had to sell it because, although it was such a lovely gift, we didn’t have space for it.”

See your child interacting with you over stuff in shops as a great opportunity to develop their language. “Ooo yes puppy eyes, a big orange carrot. Carrots are very good for us. Let’s put it back and see if we can find anything else that’s orange.” If you keep buying things an 8 month old looks at you are going to have an absolute monster by age 3.

Luxell934 · 01/10/2023 13:55

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:47

@Luxell934 i wonder if they hold any adult reading classes where you live.

She will point at items and say ‘mama’ or ‘vava’(her word for dada) and now ‘nana’ she will make it clear she wants something and give the eyes if told no or taken away.

Sometimes she will just grab shit and stick it in her mouth, which means we need to then get it as it’s not really ok putting something back on the shelf that she has slobbered over.

you’re clearly triggered by this thread so why not move onto another post which you can read properly?

What part did I miss read?

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:56

@Gemstar3 oh yes, definitely worried about creating a monster, had to talk DH down from buying her a massive bounce castle a couple of weeks ago she had her eyes on!

The middle aisle of Lidl is a killer.

OP posts:
Stella123456 · 01/10/2023 13:58

You sound so awful op. So spoilt and ungrateful

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 13:59

@Luxell934 the fact I never said she walks around the shops.

Two separate statements.

Again, might be worth looking into adult courses locally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 14:01

@Stella123456

apparently it’s ungrateful to not want a house full of shit you don’t want or need.

FIL got her a pissing fish tank a few months ago. A fish tank. I now have ‘looking after fucking fish’ on my list of daily activities.

But yes I’m so spoiled. I’m spoiled with fish, and crap, wonderful.

OP posts: