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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell family to stop buying things for DD?

140 replies

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 10:51

DH and I have a DD who is currently 8 months old.

Since she was born family on both sides have not been able to contain themselves from buying things for her, which is lovely but it’s getting too much - especially since DH and I get loads for her too - we are weak and waited 10 years for her so can’t help ourselves (last month for example, she got 6 new toys from us and about 20 from family and friends! - it’s a regular issue too, there hasn’t been one month where she hasn’t received at least 10+ toys)

Issue seems to be on both sides we have family with a lot of disposable income, she is the first baby on my side of the family for over 12 years, so I’ve got cousins who have started working full time but are still living at home with money to burn, my brother is for some reason now a baby person and really loves spoiling her (he has ASD and up until now hated kids!) on my DHs side they have other young children in the family but she is the first girl (and for my FIL and MIL the only grand child they see regularly) so gets spoiled from that angle - new clothes mainly but also toys. My father lives abroad and seems to be over compensating from missing out on seeing her as much by sending ‘care packages’ every month too.

I’ve told my family if they have money to burn to start putting that money into her savings account, which most have started doing (my brother has now started putting savings in, but for some reason can’t help himself if he sees something she might like, but he is half way there) however DH doesn’t want to say the same to his family as he thinks it’s rude.

I have said as a compromise we can ask for gifts with receipts so we can just return them secretly. Which he has also vetoed as ‘rude’

Our house is over run with toys, clothes all the way up to 2-3 years, and it’s getting too much. Worst part is it’s not even just family, we get weekly door drops of gifts and toys from old people in the villiage too, who I can’t really ask to put money in savings for her so I’m trying to tackle the people we can be more honest with.

But before I really push for DH to speak to his family, or just do it myself.

Is it rude to ask for people to put the money they’d spend on a toy into her savings?

YABU - it’s rude

YANBU - it’s not rude

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 11:24

Pile it on his side of the bed and let him deal with it

Ktime · 01/10/2023 11:25

OP is resolutely ignoring the suggestions to give the excess items to a shelter or baby bank I see…

Just another stealth bragging thread.

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 01/10/2023 11:26

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:22

@Sehenswürdigkeiten

do you honestly not comprehend the difference between parents buying items for their child and multiple family members doing the same thing?

We only buy items we have space for.

Do you honestly not comprehend that you can control what you do but not what other people do?
You are the one facing the issue of the child having too much and you are the one who can choose to do something about that.

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/10/2023 11:27

I honestly have no idea why people can't be honest. "Please don't buy PuppyEyes any more gifts, we've no room and are having to give things to charity now."

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:27

@Ktime

Not ignoring them, we already donate a lot

DH worried however with his families gifts they’ll notice if they’re gone when they next visit. Especially as they tend to get large items (play tables, activity cubes, walkers, beanbag chairs, bouncers, door swings etc.)

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 01/10/2023 11:27

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:24

@WhateverMate

have you never seen a baby?

she will spot something she likes, if taken away she will give the gooey eyes. She even swindled a woman working in a local charity shop last week when trying to get rid of some of her shit, she saw her looking longingly at a dinosaur and gave it to her!

Yes, we get it, your baby’s irresistible🙄

And no, none of have EVER seen a baby.

fearfuloffluff · 01/10/2023 11:27

Just tell them.

It gets harder when the kids are old enough to say 'where's that thing granny gave me? ' so you can't schlep things off to the charity shop as easily.

At some point you get to where anything new means something else has to go, it gets quite stressful tbh.

In laws come with bags full of stuff every time we see them, most of it the kids never see but they're happy buying it and the charity shop benefits, so...

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:28

@smallshinybutton

this is a good idea.

OP posts:
Sehenswürdigkeiten · 01/10/2023 11:28

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:24

@WhateverMate

have you never seen a baby?

she will spot something she likes, if taken away she will give the gooey eyes. She even swindled a woman working in a local charity shop last week when trying to get rid of some of her shit, she saw her looking longingly at a dinosaur and gave it to her!

I think you are imagining the baby to be feeling what you are actually feeling, and trying to justify yourself that way.

fearfuloffluff · 01/10/2023 11:28

And you need to bear in mind that when it comes down to it, spending time together matters more than stuff.

Lots of presents teaches kids that spending money = love

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:29

@fearfuloffluff

this is exactly it, it’s annoying and yes stressful to then have all this shit to offload, in our area many charity shops aren’t taking new donations so it takes a lot of driving around to find somewhere with space.

Adding that into already busy days is annoying.

OP posts:
iatealltheminieggs · 01/10/2023 11:29

Two points:

8 month old giving 'gooey eyes' over something they like the look of does not mean the adults have to give it to her. That's daft.

My DC are 5 and 7 and we still don't have a coffee table. You just have to accept some things aren't practical when you have children.

BananaPalm · 01/10/2023 11:29

SunsetCurtain · 01/10/2023 11:03

Honestly, I think asking for the money is shockingly rude.
She's only 8 months, they'll calm down soon.

Absolutely this! Beyond maybe grandparents, I can't imagine saying that to anyone... 🤦🏻‍♀️

WhateverMate · 01/10/2023 11:29

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:24

@WhateverMate

have you never seen a baby?

she will spot something she likes, if taken away she will give the gooey eyes. She even swindled a woman working in a local charity shop last week when trying to get rid of some of her shit, she saw her looking longingly at a dinosaur and gave it to her!

Oh stop it.

You're coming across as even more immature than your own baby.

A big part of parenting is learning to distract them when they want something you don't need to be giving them.

If you don't learn this soon, she'll end up screaming the place down until she leaves with whatever she wants.

WandaWonder · 01/10/2023 11:29

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:24

@WhateverMate

have you never seen a baby?

she will spot something she likes, if taken away she will give the gooey eyes. She even swindled a woman working in a local charity shop last week when trying to get rid of some of her shit, she saw her looking longingly at a dinosaur and gave it to her!

So your baby acts like a million other babies

So tell then never buy anything and don't give money as money takes up room and is a waste, unless you have seen their bank accounts and see how much they have you sound jealous of?

Parlourgames · 01/10/2023 11:30

I would definitely donate and sell whatever you don’t want in the house. Accept the gifts - say thank you but honestly there really is no need although I’m very grateful - and then don’t feel guilty about getting rid.

I read Marie Kondo when my kids were very small and it totally freed me up to dispose of (almost entirely to the charity shop) unwanted gifts.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:30

@Sehenswürdigkeiten

Maybe so but everyone else is also doing the same!

It would be beneficial if this worked in John Lewis home department or curry’s for a new washing machine, but alas the only freebies she managed to get are toys

OP posts:
Olika · 01/10/2023 11:32

Your DH needs to have some sort of convo with his side as you simply don't have space anymore. He can use the space as the reason.

threefiftysix · 01/10/2023 11:32

@Fabshab I don't think it's rude to ask for money. Obviously you would say 'please no need to buy gifts but if you really want to you can open an account for her'. If they don't like the idea of money they will stop buying gifts which is fine with you. It's family - we should be able to be honest?

But I do think you should not buy her much either if you know she gets lots of gifts. That doesn't make sense to me.

Original poster
Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:32

@WhateverMate

Oh bore off

she is my baby and I’ll get her things if I want. What I don’t want is everyone else doing the same not realising 6 toys a month is a lot more manageable than 26+ toys a month.

I suppose this is what I get for having the ‘boniest baby’ in our county Grin even strangers think she is too cute and give her shit

OP posts:
Notagains · 01/10/2023 11:32

The thing is they enjoy looking for and buying things. They won't get the same pleasure from putting money into an account so yes it is rude.
But you can stop buying so many things for her yourself and tell your family that you appreciate all they do and are please they want to treat her buy she has so many things you don't have room to put the anywhere so could they save presents to special occasions.
Then if they keep sending things you can't use you can always donate them to charity

wizzywig · 01/10/2023 11:34

Say that you've rented a storage unit to keep everything. Then sell all the stuff

AllotmentTime · 01/10/2023 11:34

Invite them over. Make your house as cluttered as possible. Have lots of toys out. Leave the coffee table on its side in the way. At the end of the visit, ask them gently and politely not to buy anything else, because as they can see from <point to multiple examples > it's so kind but you really really don't have room.

And then if they keep doing it, point out to your DH that THEY are the ones being inconsiderate, and give stuff away.

But don't ask for money instead, that's grabby.

Sehenswürdigkeiten · 01/10/2023 11:34

Fabshab · 01/10/2023 11:30

@Sehenswürdigkeiten

Maybe so but everyone else is also doing the same!

It would be beneficial if this worked in John Lewis home department or curry’s for a new washing machine, but alas the only freebies she managed to get are toys

Again, you can only change what you do, not what 'everyone else' does.
Changing what you do will make the situation somewhat easier surely?
As for the play table, I'd have loved someone to buy my child one of those - such a useful gift!

user1492757084 · 01/10/2023 11:34

Just tell people to stop buying so much but to play with her more and think of the planet. Consumerism is not cool.
Inform people of her clothing size.
Another idea is to suggest that relatives leave a couple of toys at their place for when you visit.
Inform family that you will store some toys in a toy box so that she has different ones each month.
Decide to donate toys to the local toy library and Thrift Shop every six months.

I would never ask for money though as gift ideas I really love hinting at membership to local swimming pool, wildlife park or zoo or library.