AIBU to tell family to stop buying things for DD?

[Fabshab]

DH and I have a DD who is currently 8 months old.

Since she was born family on both sides have not been able to contain themselves from buying things for her, which is lovely but it’s getting too much - especially since DH and I get loads for her too - we are weak and waited 10 years for her so can’t help ourselves (last month for example, she got 6 new toys from us and about 20 from family and friends! - it’s a regular issue too, there hasn’t been one month where she hasn’t received at least 10+ toys)

Issue seems to be on both sides we have family with a lot of disposable income, she is the first baby on my side of the family for over 12 years, so I’ve got cousins who have started working full time but are still living at home with money to burn, my brother is for some reason now a baby person and really loves spoiling her (he has ASD and up until now hated kids!) on my DHs side they have other young children in the family but she is the first girl (and for my FIL and MIL the only grand child they see regularly) so gets spoiled from that angle - new clothes mainly but also toys. My father lives abroad and seems to be over compensating from missing out on seeing her as much by sending ‘care packages’ every month too.

I’ve told my family if they have money to burn to start putting that money into her savings account, which most have started doing (my brother has now started putting savings in, but for some reason can’t help himself if he sees something she might like, but he is half way there) however DH doesn’t want to say the same to his family as he thinks it’s rude.

I have said as a compromise we can ask for gifts with receipts so we can just return them secretly. Which he has also vetoed as ‘rude’

Our house is over run with toys, clothes all the way up to 2-3 years, and it’s getting too much. Worst part is it’s not even just family, we get weekly door drops of gifts and toys from old people in the villiage too, who I can’t really ask to put money in savings for her so I’m trying to tackle the people we can be more honest with.

But before I really push for DH to speak to his family, or just do it myself.

Is it rude to ask for people to put the money they’d spend on a toy into her savings?

YABU - it’s rude

YANBU - it’s not rude

How is she grabbing so much stuff from shelves? She's surely in a buggy/carrier/trolley and can be positioned out of reach very easily.

you can tell people something a million times and they don't real get it, sometimes it takes people to 'see' before they understand. I would put literally EVERYTHING, all her toys, the giant play table, bouncer, swingset, all clothes out of the drawers in piles on every single surface, every single toy, in the baby's room before they come over next time. They come in, can't get in the door, room is a mess.
'Wow you've got a lot of stuff.'
You: 'I know, we do keep trying to tell people she doesn't need anything else but they keep buying stuff, it was getting dangerous/impossible to clean with it all over the house so we've had to put it all in here.'
That way you're not putting the blame on them but these random 'other people' but at the same time it might actually get into their heads you don't want or need anything else!

I don't think asking for money is rude at all. When she's 18/21/30 your baby isn't going to remember the random toy carrot she played with for 2 hours, and having 1 extra toy will have no tangible effect on her overall happiness given she already has more than enough. She will absolutely benefit from and be very grateful for enough money to buy her first car/support her through a degree/use towards a downpayment on a house. Buying random crap might feel good for a minute while baby looks at you with big eyes but is basically just buying love - if you actually care about her it's better to invest in her future. By all means buy a small/useful gift as well but a ) limit it to birthdays or christmas, and b) check with the parents first!

I would be completely honest, say you are really grateful that that want but things for your dd but they are being too generous collectively so your house is busting at the seams. Stress that you really would prefer it if they save their money for now and you have set up a savings account for her for future big costs like driving lessons and university that they could contribute to from time to time eg birthdays/Christmas if she doesn't need anything. Also promise you will let them know what she does need.

An 8 month old "had her eyes on" a bouncy castle?

What utter fucking bollocks. She's 8 months old, not 8 years old. She might have seen it and been interested, but she's 8 months old and exists in the moment. Of course she's interested in things she sees. She's be interested in a stick on the ground and a sock she found in the wash basket.

Doesn't mean you have to buy stuff just because you seem to think she is so advanced she can manipulate people into making people feel guilty for not buying her the random item she's looking at this moment.

Just stop buying her stuff every time. So what if she gives "the eyes"??
Don't let her grab stuff, by keeping her contained some way.

It really isn't hard.

“Shes walking, says 4 words, will shout for mama if she sees something she likes in the shop.”

My mistake then, I assumed from your statement she was walking around the shop. Why did you include the bit about her walking then? Also not quite sure how she is able to pull things from the shelves into her mouth then if she’s not walking around but oh well!

@00100001 we baby wear, so she can grab that way!

Also not sure which shops you frequent but most have aisles with items that you can’t put a pram not in grabbing distance from something. Whilst also not being a prick and blocking the space for other people. I’m not just plonking her pram slap bang in the middle of a shops aisle making it impossible for people to push trolleys either side.

that’s a bit of a silly suggestion.

She can only grab because YOU'RE too close, step two steps back. How long her are arms anyway?

Have taken dozens of babies and small children into hundreds of shops and never had issues with them grabbing stuff so often we've had to buy loads of stuff.

I frequent all the normal shops, where it's perfectly possible to place a child in a trolley where their arms can't even reach past the trolley sides and therefore it's very fucking easy to keep that trolley and therefore baby away from things.

It's also very easy to put a baby in a buggy and turn it away from the shelf without blocking aisles.

What's even easier is going alone.

It really isn't hard.

She's 8 months old! This is bat shit.

God help you when she's 2 + and actually wants random shit in shops.

I think you need to stop taking her round the shops as an activity. Go look at the trees and squirrels instead.

will shout for mama if she sees something she likes in the shop.

Yes I bet she shouts, they all shout and they shout louder and more often if they know it gets them what they want.

It's your job to parent her and stop giving in. What are you going to do when she's constantly shouting for sweets, give in until every tooth in her mouth is rotten?

Sometimes she will just grab shit and stick it in her mouth, which means we need to then get it as it’s not really ok putting something back on the shelf that she has slobbered over.

Start supervising and parenting, it's not too late OP.

@boomtickhouse

Unfortunately we don’t eat squirrel and leaves, so it will be hard to do the weekly shop in the Forrest.

@YabbaDabbaDooooo

Ah you think getting her toys means we will let her get lots of sweets and rot her teeth?

Weird but ok

She pointed to a drill at Costco last week and shouted Mama, we didn’t get that.

What planet do some of you live on

Ah you think getting her toys means we will let her get lots of sweets and rot her teeth?

Yes, if you can't distract her and deal with her shouting for what she wants when she's only 8 months old, you really need to get a handle on it.

You suggested reading classes for a PP, may I suggest parenting classes for you?

And obviously stop her grabbing and licking things you then 'have to buy' if you don't want her eating sweets.

So why are you believing that she is manipulating people into buying what you want? If you're perfectly capable of saying no to a drill, you're perfectly capable of saying no to what the bouncy castle

@YabbaDabbaDooooo you don’t seem to comprehend I don’t want or need to get a handle on her wanting stuff with us.

I'm happy to get what she wants within reason.

The issue is everyone doing it and getting things that aren’t as suitable (fucking fish tank and massive play table come to mind)

But you said you buy her too much stuff and you're cutting down on it. And you also said you had to stop your husband buying her a bouncy castle because she had her eyes on it. So stop you clearly do have an issue.

I was helpful in my earlier comment, but you are sounding pretty vile now OP, honestly. So ungrateful and really rather rude about it.
Your baby isn't 'giving you the eyes' for stuff. Babies of 8 months aren't that manipulative. Even if you think you have a genius for a baby (like most new mums, that's ok) they just aren't. They might cry or scream, but not 'the eyes' That's why you are getting some of the responses you are getting.

You're the one that says she uses the googly eyes and the puppy dog eyes and then people change their mind. What do you think that is if it's not manipulating people.

You really do need to get a handle on so much OP

But parenting and supervising is probably the best place to start.

I can honestly say I’ve never had a baby grab things off the shelves either from a pram or a carrier. I can’t comprehend how this is a regular occurrence for you!

As for an 8 month old “having her eye on a bouncy castle” 😂

You are rude as fuck

Just in case no one has told you before
If you speak to people IRL the way you do here then kindly, you need to fix your attitude

Shocking

Thank everybody - politely - for the gifts but say (perhaps with accompanying photo) that they are now a danger to life and limb, you have no room to move about the house and the baby has no room to play and crawl safely. Do not ask for money instead, that's cheeky; people want the fun and pleasure of buying for a baby, it does not follow that they want to fund her university education.
Then stick everything out on the pavement with a sign saying 'help yourself' and I guarantee it will be gone in half an hour. Maybe not to deserving homes, maybe to people who will sell it on - but you won't have the hassle of dealing with it.

Stop buying her stuff and put your money into savings
Start a wish list of things you actually want and ask people to buy from there
Sell and donate the stuff on
Tell friends and family you will be adopting a sharing model when she is a bit older and that for every new toy she has to give one to a charity shop or sell for pocket change and learn the value of saving, so please if you want to get her something only small things like stickers and crafty bits

When people ask me what do get for presents I say we'll we are saving for some large items so vouchers would be lovely and a small present to wrap e.g. a puzzle or a clothing item

Naturally over time people stop giving as much so it may not go on for long